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Decisions, decisions... Now what??
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 679166" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>UGH. It seems to me there is a common thought out there that the freshman year is the year to party. It is almost an expectation. Even with the teachers I work with. When talking of their freshman year, "did you guys party?" Eyes roll skyward.</p><p>It is rather alarming, and I certainly do not find it amusing, or would condone it. All of that money and time, if you pardon the pun, wasted. So what to do?</p><p>No communication? ACK, I would be in a quandary myself.</p><p></p><p> Hmmmmm, maybe. His choices, his mistakes, his consequences. If you share this with him, would he even respond? What would he say, do?</p><p></p><p> Your sons choices will be his own,<em> no matter where you live</em>.</p><p>Only you know your son, and what his reaction would be to this. Well, even then, <em>maybe not</em> because our <em>kids change a lot when using drugs and alcohol.</em></p><p></p><p>It seems like a high price to pay for you and husband, for you to move back to watch over your son. What I will tell you, is <em>most of our kids get worse with us.</em> </p><p>They use it as a reason to go further off the rails.</p><p>When we get to a point of overstepping in, over-helping, we are walking on thin ice.</p><p>This is because we take on the responsibility for their choices, their consequences. It can have a crippling affect on them, a backwards slide.</p><p></p><p>I suppose the therapist will listen to you and give you suggestions, but cannot tell you what to do. It is up to us. This is hard LMack and I am sorry for the pain of it. </p><p>If it were me, I would probably send a short email saying that what has happened is unacceptable and that a response is expected immediately. </p><p>If no response? </p><p>No money. </p><p>Period.</p><p>I am thinking now, what would my dad do? I think their generation was a lot less coddling, and a lot more demanding of responsibility at this age.</p><p> I think we are stuck within a time zone where we are entangled up too long, with the success or failure of our kids. </p><p>The end result is that we become enablers and our kids are at risk of becoming stunted and stuck by our enabling.</p><p>Here is a good article I found that may help you make your decision.</p><p><a href="http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/enabling-101-how-love-becomes-fear-and-help-becomes-control-1018134" target="_blank">http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/enabling-101-how-love-becomes-fear-and-help-becomes-control-1018134</a></p><p></p><p>There is much for you to weigh here. You do have a bit of time, to make that decision.</p><p></p><p>One of the best pieces of advice I got here is to slow.....way.....down. </p><p>When we find out this outrageous stuff about our kids, our minds go into catastrophic thought overtime. Nothing good can come of making decisions in this mind frame. </p><p>Take time for yourself and really, really think things through.</p><p></p><p>Walking helps and it is good exercise. </p><p>Make a commitment to take the best care of yourself so that whatever conclusion you come to, it is from a solid foundation. </p><p>Keep communication going with your husband, because it makes no sense for your relationship to suffer wth this. </p><p>One thing I have seen and felt myself, is that we begin to feel the consequences of our d cs actions <em>more than they do. </em></p><p>They are out there having a good old time, and we end up with sleepless nights, consumed with worry and on and on.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry for the heartache of this. I cannot tell you what to do, but I will tell you what I would do. If my kid failed to respond to the email I suggested, I would cut off finances. </p><p>I would reason that it is a waste of my money to fund a party lifestyle. </p><p>I would step way back, and let the chips fall where they may.</p><p></p><p>I have learned from many years of "helping" (enabling) that my kids were going to make the mistakes and choices they made, <em>no matter what I did</em>.</p><p> I would have saved myself a whole lot of misery, if I had taken the hardline approach that my dad would have. </p><p>It is cut and dry, tow the line. </p><p>I think it is a good thing. </p><p>Our kids have to see and feel the consequences of their choices.</p><p> I feel now, by my stepping in to "help", to "rescue" it only <em>prolonged the problem</em>. </p><p>I am left now, with regret and two d cs who are still off the rails. </p><p>A lot of sacrifice on my part, no indication of change, appreciation, respect from them. </p><p></p><p>I will tell you LMack, that when we step in too much to rescue, o<em>ur kids begin to hate us for it</em>. </p><p>Oh, yes, they want us to help, <em>but then resent it at the same time</em>. </p><p>We become as fools to them, and they just keep on pushing and pushing the envelope. We lose our self respect, they walk all over us and have no respect, whatsoever. </p><p>It is an endless cycle.</p><p> Don't go into the cycle, put your foot down and don't go there. </p><p>It is misery.</p><p></p><p>So I would say, build yourself up. </p><p>Be firm and strong and keep your own self respect in check. </p><p>That is what this is about, you maintaining your self respect, seeing yourself as a separate person with value, you matter. </p><p>Your son is his own person, making some very big mistakes. </p><p>If you were <em>not there to help him</em>, what would he have to do, or choose? </p><p>He needs to learn this and odds are, he will not learn, if you take the responsibility on your own shoulders. </p><p></p><p>This is key, I think to being able to step way back, understanding that we will not be here forever to clean up our kids mess, and that the sooner they learn, the better......</p><p></p><p>Keep posting, it is really helpful. You are creating a chronology of your story, with responses from folks who have been there, done that. What we share is from kind and caring hearts, because we understand the hardship of it. Really and truly,<em> only you can decide,</em> because you are the one who has to look in the mirror every day.</p><p></p><p>Others will come along and reply. Welcome to the forum, I hope you will find the answers you are seeking.</p><p></p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 679166, member: 19522"] UGH. It seems to me there is a common thought out there that the freshman year is the year to party. It is almost an expectation. Even with the teachers I work with. When talking of their freshman year, "did you guys party?" Eyes roll skyward. It is rather alarming, and I certainly do not find it amusing, or would condone it. All of that money and time, if you pardon the pun, wasted. So what to do? No communication? ACK, I would be in a quandary myself. Hmmmmm, maybe. His choices, his mistakes, his consequences. If you share this with him, would he even respond? What would he say, do? Your sons choices will be his own,[I] no matter where you live[/I]. Only you know your son, and what his reaction would be to this. Well, even then, [I]maybe not[/I] because our [I]kids change a lot when using drugs and alcohol.[/I] It seems like a high price to pay for you and husband, for you to move back to watch over your son. What I will tell you, is [I]most of our kids get worse with us.[/I] They use it as a reason to go further off the rails. When we get to a point of overstepping in, over-helping, we are walking on thin ice. This is because we take on the responsibility for their choices, their consequences. It can have a crippling affect on them, a backwards slide. I suppose the therapist will listen to you and give you suggestions, but cannot tell you what to do. It is up to us. This is hard LMack and I am sorry for the pain of it. If it were me, I would probably send a short email saying that what has happened is unacceptable and that a response is expected immediately. If no response? No money. Period. I am thinking now, what would my dad do? I think their generation was a lot less coddling, and a lot more demanding of responsibility at this age. I think we are stuck within a time zone where we are entangled up too long, with the success or failure of our kids. The end result is that we become enablers and our kids are at risk of becoming stunted and stuck by our enabling. Here is a good article I found that may help you make your decision. [URL]http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/enabling-101-how-love-becomes-fear-and-help-becomes-control-1018134[/URL] There is much for you to weigh here. You do have a bit of time, to make that decision. One of the best pieces of advice I got here is to slow.....way.....down. When we find out this outrageous stuff about our kids, our minds go into catastrophic thought overtime. Nothing good can come of making decisions in this mind frame. Take time for yourself and really, really think things through. Walking helps and it is good exercise. Make a commitment to take the best care of yourself so that whatever conclusion you come to, it is from a solid foundation. Keep communication going with your husband, because it makes no sense for your relationship to suffer wth this. One thing I have seen and felt myself, is that we begin to feel the consequences of our d cs actions [I]more than they do. [/I] They are out there having a good old time, and we end up with sleepless nights, consumed with worry and on and on. I am sorry for the heartache of this. I cannot tell you what to do, but I will tell you what I would do. If my kid failed to respond to the email I suggested, I would cut off finances. I would reason that it is a waste of my money to fund a party lifestyle. I would step way back, and let the chips fall where they may. I have learned from many years of "helping" (enabling) that my kids were going to make the mistakes and choices they made, [I]no matter what I did[/I]. I would have saved myself a whole lot of misery, if I had taken the hardline approach that my dad would have. It is cut and dry, tow the line. I think it is a good thing. Our kids have to see and feel the consequences of their choices. I feel now, by my stepping in to "help", to "rescue" it only [I]prolonged the problem[/I]. I am left now, with regret and two d cs who are still off the rails. A lot of sacrifice on my part, no indication of change, appreciation, respect from them. I will tell you LMack, that when we step in too much to rescue, o[I]ur kids begin to hate us for it[/I]. Oh, yes, they want us to help, [I]but then resent it at the same time[/I]. We become as fools to them, and they just keep on pushing and pushing the envelope. We lose our self respect, they walk all over us and have no respect, whatsoever. It is an endless cycle. Don't go into the cycle, put your foot down and don't go there. It is misery. So I would say, build yourself up. Be firm and strong and keep your own self respect in check. That is what this is about, you maintaining your self respect, seeing yourself as a separate person with value, you matter. Your son is his own person, making some very big mistakes. If you were [I]not there to help him[/I], what would he have to do, or choose? He needs to learn this and odds are, he will not learn, if you take the responsibility on your own shoulders. This is key, I think to being able to step way back, understanding that we will not be here forever to clean up our kids mess, and that the sooner they learn, the better...... Keep posting, it is really helpful. You are creating a chronology of your story, with responses from folks who have been there, done that. What we share is from kind and caring hearts, because we understand the hardship of it. Really and truly,[I] only you can decide,[/I] because you are the one who has to look in the mirror every day. Others will come along and reply. Welcome to the forum, I hope you will find the answers you are seeking. (((HUGS))) leafy [/QUOTE]
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