Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Decisions, decisions... Now what??
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 679202" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Welcome Mack.</p><p>Love and hope.</p><p>This is what I think. If he is using college to self-destruct paying for college is paying to help him to hurt himself. At the very least, I would tell him after this semester, no more. Unless he verifies there has been no more misbehavior, and the burden of proof is on him, not you. And he achieves a certain grade point average in the required number of classes. And any other requirement you find necessary. That would be the most lenient of all responses I would consider.</p><p></p><p>But there are other responses that could make sense. Only you can decide with your husband.</p><p></p><p>Another option would be to tell him after this semester, no more support at all. Because he is already making decisions that are destructive and disrespectful, ie. not communicating, and what else you have cited.</p><p>This is not anything that you can take care of.</p><p></p><p>These are affirmative decisions and behavior that he is choosing--to hurt himself.</p><p></p><p>I think, if it were me, I would say no more. Either he finds a way to continue school on his own steam or he takes a break from it to deal with and handle his issues: Pot and alcohol and slipping grades <em>that you know about</em>. And who knows what else...because this may be the tip of the iceberg.</p><p></p><p>I think I might insist upon <em>drug testing right now as a condition of any more support. I think I would consider cutting him off right now at school, as one option. Because you already know what he is doing. What you do know about is bad. He could hurt somebody or himself so impaired by alcohol.</em></p><p></p><p>You could demand he seek alcohol and drug treatment as a condition of any support what so ever from you. And you could do that now.</p><p></p><p>Some parents (I can think of one or two) that have come here look the other way about drug use at college because they think that completing college is so important, that they do not want to interfere with its successful completion. I shudder at this because of the risks involved to the child, and the message that these parents send to their kids that college is more important than the kid is.</p><p></p><p>Many years ago I used drugs a bit at University. I drank, too. A great deal. I was self-supporting and paid for university myself. I did what I wanted. My mother knew nothing about it. Nor did she care. So many times I cringe to remember how close I came to dying or killing others, by my behavior. I wish I had had people around me that cared enough to insist that I rein myself in. I did not. Luckily or because I got some sense, I survived. This self-destructive period in my life was very short. Thank goodness. But perhaps that was because I had nobody to enable me. I had to learn to make good decisions because ultimately I was the only one responsible.</p><p></p><p>I think it may be a blessing in disguise that you are far away. Because the decisions will be clear cut and because it will be essential that he help himself or not. It puts it all on him. That is a good thing. Like I was, he must be responsible or not.</p><p></p><p>Finally, I hope I do not sound harsh. If you look at my sniveling threads you will see that frequently I feel lost and terribly weak when it comes to my own child.</p><p></p><p>We learn by posting. By talking "strong" with other parents we learn to be stronger ourselves. So forgive me. I do know how hard this is. Really I do. I know the pain of it.</p><p></p><p>I am so glad you are here. Keep posting. I hope you do. It really helps. If you are in a position to post everyday on as many threads as you can, do so. I welcome you to my current thread (how embarrassing) which is called something like "he's finally gone."</p><p></p><p>Take care. You can do this. You are doing. I forget, are you in Europe? Lucky you. My son and I lived abroad for several years. We loved it. DO NOT COME BACK. You deserve to stay and be close to your husband. That is best for your child. That is what I think.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 679202, member: 18958"] Welcome Mack. Love and hope. This is what I think. If he is using college to self-destruct paying for college is paying to help him to hurt himself. At the very least, I would tell him after this semester, no more. Unless he verifies there has been no more misbehavior, and the burden of proof is on him, not you. And he achieves a certain grade point average in the required number of classes. And any other requirement you find necessary. That would be the most lenient of all responses I would consider. But there are other responses that could make sense. Only you can decide with your husband. Another option would be to tell him after this semester, no more support at all. Because he is already making decisions that are destructive and disrespectful, ie. not communicating, and what else you have cited. This is not anything that you can take care of. These are affirmative decisions and behavior that he is choosing--to hurt himself. I think, if it were me, I would say no more. Either he finds a way to continue school on his own steam or he takes a break from it to deal with and handle his issues: Pot and alcohol and slipping grades [I]that you know about[/I]. And who knows what else...because this may be the tip of the iceberg. I think I might insist upon [I]drug testing right now as a condition of any more support. I think I would consider cutting him off right now at school, as one option. Because you already know what he is doing. What you do know about is bad. He could hurt somebody or himself so impaired by alcohol.[/I] You could demand he seek alcohol and drug treatment as a condition of any support what so ever from you. And you could do that now. Some parents (I can think of one or two) that have come here look the other way about drug use at college because they think that completing college is so important, that they do not want to interfere with its successful completion. I shudder at this because of the risks involved to the child, and the message that these parents send to their kids that college is more important than the kid is. Many years ago I used drugs a bit at University. I drank, too. A great deal. I was self-supporting and paid for university myself. I did what I wanted. My mother knew nothing about it. Nor did she care. So many times I cringe to remember how close I came to dying or killing others, by my behavior. I wish I had had people around me that cared enough to insist that I rein myself in. I did not. Luckily or because I got some sense, I survived. This self-destructive period in my life was very short. Thank goodness. But perhaps that was because I had nobody to enable me. I had to learn to make good decisions because ultimately I was the only one responsible. I think it may be a blessing in disguise that you are far away. Because the decisions will be clear cut and because it will be essential that he help himself or not. It puts it all on him. That is a good thing. Like I was, he must be responsible or not. Finally, I hope I do not sound harsh. If you look at my sniveling threads you will see that frequently I feel lost and terribly weak when it comes to my own child. We learn by posting. By talking "strong" with other parents we learn to be stronger ourselves. So forgive me. I do know how hard this is. Really I do. I know the pain of it. I am so glad you are here. Keep posting. I hope you do. It really helps. If you are in a position to post everyday on as many threads as you can, do so. I welcome you to my current thread (how embarrassing) which is called something like "he's finally gone." Take care. You can do this. You are doing. I forget, are you in Europe? Lucky you. My son and I lived abroad for several years. We loved it. DO NOT COME BACK. You deserve to stay and be close to your husband. That is best for your child. That is what I think. COPA [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Decisions, decisions... Now what??
Top