Depression & moving forward

[Steely]

You guys see my depression in every post. You mention it to me and mirror back to me that I am not doing well, and I have been rejecting it to some extent. I know - deep inside I know - but I am too overwhelmed by it to do anything about it. (I do take Lexapro.)
Just like the bills. If I don't open the envelope than maybe it is not there.

I will not go on and on about what makes me depressed - or what I should do.

However, it hit me today that one of the things I have to do to stop being depressed is to stop being Matt's program scapegoat. To not feel like their victim any longer.
I know it is wonky sounding - but it truly is a reality. Sad.
The ed cons admitted to me today, that they are making my life miserable from what appears to be a vindictive stance. They are withholding phone calls, continuously, out of some dysfunctional power struggle between them and me. Sometimes I have to go 14 days before they wil let me talk to Matt. They even denied a Christmas phone call. The ed cons said he is worried, and wants Matt to get help somewhere else.

I truthfully am not sure how I can stand the stress of one more thing - but I do know that I cannot continue to feel like I do not have a son. I literally feel like Matt is not my kid anymore. I don't even know him. I haven't seen him in 6 months, and I have only talked to him supervised, occasionally, within the last 4 months. If he was to call solo, I truly would not know what to say to him - or how to talk to him - that is how bad this has gotten.

Today, I decided it was over. Period. Whatever it takes, I am not going to play their game, or be their victim or scapegoat. Ever. Again. I will talk to my kid more than once a week. Period.

This leaves Matt in a very unfortunate place, because I am not sure where he will end up. He, himself, is dysfunctional and not healthy - so this is scary. The ed cons does not think he can live independently at this point, so he recommends another program. I really have no idea what to think. I am at a loss.

I just know that I am moving forward with this. Any suggestions would be much appreciated.

 

[Hound dog]

See if another program can be found. Matt still needs the help. Like you said, he isn't ready to live on his own yet, but I'm thinking living with you would be a very bad idea at this point. Is there someone you can consult as to what other alternatives are available for Matt at this point?

You sound positive. I like it.

 

[jbrain]

Hi Steely,
just wanted to say I like that you have made your decision. I think feeling like we are helpless or at someone's mercy can make us very depressed. When you feel like there is no way out, nothing you can do, trapped, it is horrible. So, I do not have advice concerning Matt and a program but I do want you to know that I feel you have made a big step yourself in deciding not to be their scapegoat or victim anymore.

Kudos to you!

Jane

 

[smallworld]

Steely, good for you!

Does the ed cons have a specific other program in mind for Matt?

 

[Steely]

Well, just to be clear, Matt will never live with me. That will never, ever be an option, just because of his aggression towards me in the past. Sigh.

The ed cons has some ideas, but he is worried that the places will not take him because of his past aggression towards property. I am very concerned about that as well. Many prayers appreciated in this effort.

I only know it is over. I may be moving on to another set of miserable circumstances, but those are out of my control. I only know that the circumstances that are in my control will not keep me under their thumb any longer.

 

[helpme]

No advice, just lots of cyber support sent your way.

 

[susiestar]

Sounds like an excellent decision that has been a long time coming. I have wondered why the program is so determined to divide you and Matt. Either he has told them some really untrue things or they are far sicker than he is. If it is the latter then I truly hope and pray that there is someone that can help Matt see that he needs other help.

I do hope you can see that if Matt refuses to go into another program you may have to just let him sort it out on his own for a while. I know that scares you totally. Sadly it is the only way some people can learn to mature.

Whatever happens, refusing to let these people victimize you is an excellent decision. I hope you intend to exercise some financial control over them if you are paying for the program. Have you spoken to an attorney about legal action for alienating your son's affections and/or causing emotional distress to you? You may have some options there.

 

[hearts and roses]

Sending more support. Good for you for taking this step; I hope you find some peace with everything and that Matt can get into a better program. Hugs~

 

[KTMom91]

Many hugs and prayers going out, Steely.

 

[Steely]

Thanks guys. No Susie I had not thought about talking to an attny. I am so hyper focused on getting through this one minute at a time that never occurred to me. Thanks for the suggestion.

I really appreciate all of your support. I am actually OK if Matt refuses - I am OK with anything - as long as it is real, and his choice. I have thought through this long and hard & now, for me, the very worst scenario is being controlled by others - anything else are his life choices.

I know that one of the only reasons that this program has refused to let us communicate is because I make waves when things are not going as they should - and they don't want to be held accountable. It is sad, but obvious. I am a single mom that they feel they can blackmail and rule in order to not have to be accountable or for that matter "bothered" with my concerns. And let's face it - Matt is one of their most difficult kids - so they kind of have had me over a barrel. Or so they thought. I had to comply, or Matt would have nowhere to go. They didn't expect me to say - oh well - too bad he has nowhere to go - I am not playing this game. I told the ed cons yesterday that I personally could not do this anymore - and he said "well this is not about you" - and I said - actually it is - it is about BOTH of us and our mental well being.