Detox, Rehab, then sober living?
- Thread starter RN0441
- Start date
Hello. Sorry for my delay. Things have been hectic so I haven't checked the site as often as I like to.
My daughter has been in countless sober living facilities. None have worked for her but that is on her. She has been in expensive ones and in flop houses. Strict programs and ones with very little oversight. The bottom line is that if they want to drink or use they will find a way. If anything, being around other addicts makes it easy for them to get drugs and alcohol.
We just spent another $1000 to help our daughter get into a halfway house when she showed up at our house recently after living in another state for four years. Three weeks later, she was kicked out for using again.
I guess I am very cynical right now but I don't know if halfway houses are going to help your son get or stay sober. But the good things about them is they provide our troubled loved ones with a place to stay and keeps them from causing stress in our homes.
I'm sorry that I am not in a more hopeful state of mind. There are those that do get sober and stay sober and we have some examples of that on our board.
~Kathy
My daughter has been in countless sober living facilities. None have worked for her but that is on her. She has been in expensive ones and in flop houses. Strict programs and ones with very little oversight. The bottom line is that if they want to drink or use they will find a way. If anything, being around other addicts makes it easy for them to get drugs and alcohol.
We just spent another $1000 to help our daughter get into a halfway house when she showed up at our house recently after living in another state for four years. Three weeks later, she was kicked out for using again.
I guess I am very cynical right now but I don't know if halfway houses are going to help your son get or stay sober. But the good things about them is they provide our troubled loved ones with a place to stay and keeps them from causing stress in our homes.
I'm sorry that I am not in a more hopeful state of mind. There are those that do get sober and stay sober and we have some examples of that on our board.
~Kathy
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RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Thanks ladies.
My son was home from detox when I got home from work on Friday. It was very emotional for me because I felt awful that I did not want him to be there. Just need some peace in my home.
However we had a talk with him and gave him a choice of rehab or leaving and he is going to rehab today at 6pm. He had to make the call and set it up. He doesn't have much faith in rehab (he was there at 15 and 17 and now he's 20) but I told him its up to him to get what he wants out of it and that's our only choice.
He was drinking a beer last night. I can't even keep up with him. He has been abusing weed, alcohol, vicodon and benzos in this last binge. He has not done anything heavier than pills to my knowledge and he is not one for covering his tracks at all. But of course who really knows.
I am going to tell him he has to go to sober living after rehab but not ready to fight that fight yet. When should I bring it up?
My son was home from detox when I got home from work on Friday. It was very emotional for me because I felt awful that I did not want him to be there. Just need some peace in my home.
However we had a talk with him and gave him a choice of rehab or leaving and he is going to rehab today at 6pm. He had to make the call and set it up. He doesn't have much faith in rehab (he was there at 15 and 17 and now he's 20) but I told him its up to him to get what he wants out of it and that's our only choice.
He was drinking a beer last night. I can't even keep up with him. He has been abusing weed, alcohol, vicodon and benzos in this last binge. He has not done anything heavier than pills to my knowledge and he is not one for covering his tracks at all. But of course who really knows.
I am going to tell him he has to go to sober living after rehab but not ready to fight that fight yet. When should I bring it up?
toughlovin
Well-Known Member
Oh this is all so familiar. My son has been in and out of treatment since he was 14. Kathy I feel for you and totally understand your cynicism.
I think the big advantage of sober living is they have a place to live, that is not your house and you are not doing something like signing a lease on an apartment which is too much of a risk in my opinion.
So my son is 24. Like I said he has been in and out of rehab and treatment forever. Until last July he felt he did all that because someone else wanted him to do it (either us or the courts). Last July after living on his own, and working and we thought he wa a doing ok, he came to the conclusion he was miserable and admitted he was an alcoholic and wanted to stop. So we helped him get back into rehab. Now he has been in and out since then, and had a couple of relapses and is still struggling but the difference (I hope) is that I think this is now truly his struggle not mine.
When he goes to rehab will it be a residential rehab? If so then when he is residential I would talk to the rehab about how you don't want him coming home tol live and tell him then.
I think the big advantage of sober living is they have a place to live, that is not your house and you are not doing something like signing a lease on an apartment which is too much of a risk in my opinion.
So my son is 24. Like I said he has been in and out of rehab and treatment forever. Until last July he felt he did all that because someone else wanted him to do it (either us or the courts). Last July after living on his own, and working and we thought he wa a doing ok, he came to the conclusion he was miserable and admitted he was an alcoholic and wanted to stop. So we helped him get back into rehab. Now he has been in and out since then, and had a couple of relapses and is still struggling but the difference (I hope) is that I think this is now truly his struggle not mine.
When he goes to rehab will it be a residential rehab? If so then when he is residential I would talk to the rehab about how you don't want him coming home tol live and tell him then.
RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Yes toughlovin he will be there for 30 days I hope. Everything is controlled by insurance. I'm not getting my hopes up like I have in the past. Just taking one day at a time.
He tried to get out going to rehag saying he would do his two college classes, see therapist and go to AA meetings but we have been trying to get him to do that for 2 months when he started this bender. I told him he has too many triggers in our home. His car is a trigger, his phone is a trigger, working is a trigger, and now college is a trigger. Not sure how he can turn this around. Anxiety, depression, etc. Exhausting.
He tried to get out going to rehag saying he would do his two college classes, see therapist and go to AA meetings but we have been trying to get him to do that for 2 months when he started this bender. I told him he has too many triggers in our home. His car is a trigger, his phone is a trigger, working is a trigger, and now college is a trigger. Not sure how he can turn this around. Anxiety, depression, etc. Exhausting.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Alcohol and benzo as a combo can be lethal...not trying to scare you. Usually they aren't, but just a heads up.Vicodin in hard core. It all is, if he is mixing them up. It's up to you when you set limits on your son. I did tell my nineteen year old daughter to leave and had to hear her words in my ears for three long weeks when she wouldn't speak to me. "I HATE YOU FOREVER!"
I won't lie and say it didn't kill me. All I did was cry...at home, at work, shopping...I didn't care. My baby (I could still see her adorable baby face) hated me and it was my fault, I thought at t he time. I even thought, "She takes drugs because of me." But I've talked to her about it since and her reasons for using drugs had nothing to do with me. It had more to do with her peers...but that's another thread. I digress.
Tough love resulted in her quitting...finally letting her go and saying she had to make it on her own with no help from us. She found a place to stay and cleaned up, got a job and walked to and from the job, quit even cigarettes (good for this mom because I hate cigarettes) and is now over ten years clean and a good little mother and has a SO of twelve years. And her own house. This can happen for your son. I truly believe. and see it over and over again on this board, that once we truly set them off on their own and quit bailing them out and worrying about if they will like us or feel abandoned, that is when they start doing better. I don't recall ever hearing about a young adult who lives at home and uses, or who is supported from a distance with parental money, get better. They don't have to. And it's hard to quit. You feel very sick. Chances are, if your son acts normal, he is still using. They do not act normal at all when they are needing their drug. I have learned, through extensive reading and watching Intervention (good show) that heroin addicts, for example, can not function until they get their hit of heroin. THAT is when they act "normal." When they have taken a hit. Until then, they are "dope sick" as it is called. They are shaky, weak, sick, vomiting, not good at all. Eventually they need heroin to feel normal...it doesn't even get them as high as it once did, but they need it to ward off the illness. I am thinking most drugs work this way, including alcohol.
Do what you feel comfortable doing, when you are ready. I feel, and I could be wrong, that the more you set boundaries and refuse to enable the better they do in the long run. It may take a few years on their figuring life out on the streets without our money, but especially right now quite a few of the difficult children on this forum are doing A LOT better. But none of them live at home or get our money anymore.
Hugs and try to find peace today. You can't control yourself, but you can control your own happiness. You deserve it!
I won't lie and say it didn't kill me. All I did was cry...at home, at work, shopping...I didn't care. My baby (I could still see her adorable baby face) hated me and it was my fault, I thought at t he time. I even thought, "She takes drugs because of me." But I've talked to her about it since and her reasons for using drugs had nothing to do with me. It had more to do with her peers...but that's another thread. I digress.
Tough love resulted in her quitting...finally letting her go and saying she had to make it on her own with no help from us. She found a place to stay and cleaned up, got a job and walked to and from the job, quit even cigarettes (good for this mom because I hate cigarettes) and is now over ten years clean and a good little mother and has a SO of twelve years. And her own house. This can happen for your son. I truly believe. and see it over and over again on this board, that once we truly set them off on their own and quit bailing them out and worrying about if they will like us or feel abandoned, that is when they start doing better. I don't recall ever hearing about a young adult who lives at home and uses, or who is supported from a distance with parental money, get better. They don't have to. And it's hard to quit. You feel very sick. Chances are, if your son acts normal, he is still using. They do not act normal at all when they are needing their drug. I have learned, through extensive reading and watching Intervention (good show) that heroin addicts, for example, can not function until they get their hit of heroin. THAT is when they act "normal." When they have taken a hit. Until then, they are "dope sick" as it is called. They are shaky, weak, sick, vomiting, not good at all. Eventually they need heroin to feel normal...it doesn't even get them as high as it once did, but they need it to ward off the illness. I am thinking most drugs work this way, including alcohol.
Do what you feel comfortable doing, when you are ready. I feel, and I could be wrong, that the more you set boundaries and refuse to enable the better they do in the long run. It may take a few years on their figuring life out on the streets without our money, but especially right now quite a few of the difficult children on this forum are doing A LOT better. But none of them live at home or get our money anymore.
Hugs and try to find peace today. You can't control yourself, but you can control your own happiness. You deserve it!
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They have the best chance if they go to sober living for a year. We let our son come home the first time he went to rehab, and it was a big mistake. He relapsed the very next day.
It's best to speak to his counselor sooner rather than later for planning purposes. I would be vague about it until he is admitted. They'll promise anything to get what t hey want.
RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Thanks ladies. I appreciate your thought and response. We also let him come home the first few times from rehab but he was under 18 but now he is 20 so we have to be tougher. Plus he needs to learn the ropes without mommy and daddy around. He needs to be on his own a bit and I think this will help him appreciate his life much more.
How does sober living work? Do we have to pay monthly? Can they stay as long as you want them to?
Prayers to you all and everyone on CD (and me too LOL).
How does sober living work? Do we have to pay monthly? Can they stay as long as you want them to?
Prayers to you all and everyone on CD (and me too LOL).
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toughlovin
Well-Known Member
Sober livings work differently but yes most you pay monthly. I think most of them you can stay as long as you are following the rules... Which at least for my son has been somewhat of a problem!
toughlovin
Well-Known Member
Yes you do. If he is anything like my son it doesn't sound like he is really ready to be committed to being sober.... But I do believe at this age any clean time they get helps.... And they do learn along the way. But it will be important for you to remember this is one step along his journey and there may be many more before he gets to a really good place in his life.
And it is tiring.... Which is why it is so important for you to build a life for you to enjoy in spite of where he is.
And it is tiring.... Which is why it is so important for you to build a life for you to enjoy in spite of where he is.
RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
I am finally getting stronger because of all of you on CD. I didn't realize how much I have been killing myself trying to FIX him until I started reading everyone's posts and saw myself in so many stories. My husband and I can't take it anymore. We are FRIED out. I was just posting something on FaceBook in a group I'm on (MOMS CAN) which is very good and I wrote about five years ago (five years ago!!) that he took pills for my sisters wedding that he and I stood up to. What a nightmare that was. That made me REALIZE WTF are we doing here?
toughlovin
Well-Known Member
Not having him live with you will make a big difference!! It is important that you have time away from all his drama and problems which is really hard when they are living with you!!!
RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Agree. But if you would have asked me a few months ago I would have NEVER even considered putting him in a shelter no matter what he did to us.
Now that sounds crazy to just "accept our sentence" by having a son like this. Of course I haven't had to DO IT yet so I may just be acting sassy!
Now that sounds crazy to just "accept our sentence" by having a son like this. Of course I haven't had to DO IT yet so I may just be acting sassy!
toughlovin
Well-Known Member
You can do it if you need to. We had to kick my son out when he was 18.... We let him come back at one point and had to kick him out again. Not sure what we would have done if we didn't have a younger daughter, but for her sake and well being we had to stick to our guns. Eventually we had to let him be homeless and live on the streets in the middle of winter. It was awful, really awful but I still think we had to do it.
We have for a long time takent he stand we will help you and support you when you are wanting to get help. So at times when he wanted in from the cold he went for help... And each time I think it did give him something. And that is still our stand and he knows it..... So this last time when he relapsed, he was honest and went into residential treatment before we even knew for sure he had relapsed!
We have for a long time takent he stand we will help you and support you when you are wanting to get help. So at times when he wanted in from the cold he went for help... And each time I think it did give him something. And that is still our stand and he knows it..... So this last time when he relapsed, he was honest and went into residential treatment before we even knew for sure he had relapsed!
Sister's Keeper
Active Member
While he is in rehab, if you don't already go, find a nar-anon/alanon near you and go. They will give you a wealth of knowledge and strength and it is great to have someone in real life who can commiserate.
Honestly, I think your son's issues are primarily of substance abuse. He wasn't out of detox a day and he was drinking. If he is not working where is he getting the money for drugs and alcohol? He doesn't seem very invested in sobriety. I do think, for your own peace of mind that sober living is probably the best option at this point.
I assume that you will be involved as far as family groups.support goes in rehab? I think the point to bring up sober living is when they start discussing discharge. Be prepared for a
storm when you make him/them aware. You will need to stick to your guns, because the manipulation will ramp up 1000 fold. Also,this may sound harsh, but if the car is in your name, sell it. Change the locks on your house so he can't walk out of rehab/sober living and come home.
I will tell you, very honestly, that it is not "just pills." Vicodin is just as "heavy" as heroin. There is no difference, chemically, between the vicodin pills that your son is taking and they heroin that my sister is shooting. I don't mean to be a witch, but it is true. The only difference is that pills are more socially acceptable. An addict is an addict. They love the benzos in combo with the opiates because they make the high "more intense." I have been around addicts for a long time now, and I will tell you that the majority of the junkies, like my sister, started with the pills. They move on to snorting heroin when they can't afford the pills any more. They move on to shooting the heroin when they can't afford to snort enough to make them high.
Honestly, I think your son's issues are primarily of substance abuse. He wasn't out of detox a day and he was drinking. If he is not working where is he getting the money for drugs and alcohol? He doesn't seem very invested in sobriety. I do think, for your own peace of mind that sober living is probably the best option at this point.
I assume that you will be involved as far as family groups.support goes in rehab? I think the point to bring up sober living is when they start discussing discharge. Be prepared for a
storm when you make him/them aware. You will need to stick to your guns, because the manipulation will ramp up 1000 fold. Also,this may sound harsh, but if the car is in your name, sell it. Change the locks on your house so he can't walk out of rehab/sober living and come home.I will tell you, very honestly, that it is not "just pills." Vicodin is just as "heavy" as heroin. There is no difference, chemically, between the vicodin pills that your son is taking and they heroin that my sister is shooting. I don't mean to be a witch, but it is true. The only difference is that pills are more socially acceptable. An addict is an addict. They love the benzos in combo with the opiates because they make the high "more intense." I have been around addicts for a long time now, and I will tell you that the majority of the junkies, like my sister, started with the pills. They move on to snorting heroin when they can't afford the pills any more. They move on to shooting the heroin when they can't afford to snort enough to make them high.
RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
He called this morning to say he is homesick. I told him we can't live in that craziness anymore and he cannot come home; that he needs to get to the bottom of his addiction because it is stronger than anything in his life. He says he wasn't doing Vicodin but who knows. I know he did some because he told me a few weeks ago. I think he uses our credit card to buy someone gas or something and then gets money. Plus he sold an old computer that we told him not to sell. Basically he's been stealing from us. We just canceled 2 cards.
We have taken the car away many times. He does not access to the car or his phone anymore and won't in the foreseeable future.
I don't think he's very interested in sobriety either; but I'm hoping if he stays there he'll get something out of it. We definitely want him to go to sober living after this and yes he is going to be very upset. If he leaves rehab we will have to evict him which takes 30 days. I actually left my purse in the kitchen last night! Woot. Woot.
We are just so done with these behaviors but I did tell him we love him.
We have taken the car away many times. He does not access to the car or his phone anymore and won't in the foreseeable future.
I don't think he's very interested in sobriety either; but I'm hoping if he stays there he'll get something out of it. We definitely want him to go to sober living after this and yes he is going to be very upset. If he leaves rehab we will have to evict him which takes 30 days. I actually left my purse in the kitchen last night! Woot. Woot.
We are just so done with these behaviors but I did tell him we love him.
