difficult child at home ("New Participant" - update)

[HereWeGoAgain]

Yes, we are letting our daughter stay at our house for the time being. She is making an effort to get into an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). She's being very good, really, but it's imperative she get in as soon as possible. Unfortunately the center I took her to after her discharge from detox got back to her finally with this message left on our answering machine: "We do not think that your needs will best be met by our program at this time". It took five days to come up with that completely unhelpful response? Don't they know that's an eternity for someone in her situation? As I said to wife, well, then, OK, how about a recommendation as to where she can have her needs met at this time, then?

One thing we found out, she is not HIV positive, after all. One test was inconclusive and I sort of assumed that given her time on the street it must be positive. But by a miracle the retest came back negative. But I wonder if that's why they turned her down.

She's been in touch with two other centers. Three weeks waiting period. It's been a week since any kind of incident with her, and she is on the phone every day in hopes of a spot opening up, going to NA/AA, etc., but as I said, it's imperative she get into an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) asap. From past experience, this can't last if she's not in a highly supervised setting, and the strain of providing the supervision is taking its toll at home -- for instance, driving her to meetings and waiting on her, since we can't afford to let her out of our sight.

There were two episodes early on. I wouldn't let her make a call to the man she'd been living with last "to see about picking up her stuff" and she threw a fit, but later admitted she was wrong and apologized. A couple of days later she says in her it's-no-big-deal voice that she was going to call a friend and maybe go see a movie. Same deal. Mom and I said no way - she threw a fit - then subsided and apologized.

If she does get in to a center before pulling a runner, I think she'll probably do pretty well for several months, then we'll see. For sure, she won't be living with us again.

Our granddaughter is handling this very well. She knows mommy is only visiting until she can stay at the home for people who want to stop taking drugs. She formed the maternal bond with her grandma, and her mother's relationship with her has been more like an older sister who's out on her own or an aunt who comes to visit, so even if difficult child does bolt, I think she'll be OK. Nevertheless, the sooner J gets in somewhere, the better.

Frankly I've been a little embarassed to post this update, having gone against the good counsel of several of you not to let difficult child come back. So far it has not been disastrous but if difficult child does skip again, we'll be kicking ourselves for enabling yet again and it would be sure to be hurtful to our gr.daughter even if J is just an "aunt" (so to speak) to her. Give us a prayer.

 

[everywoman]

Prayers being said. As long as she is following house rules and trying to find a program I think it's okay. My son stayed in my home for two weeks before he went for help. It was nice to have him in the home without the arguing and yelling that had gone on for years. I did worry about relaspe---but that didn't happen. Just keep your eyes and ears open.

 

[Ally]

Sometimes we have to do what we think is best, even if others dont agree. Whe it is over we may look back and think, what the heck was I thinking, but hindsight is 20/20. Life goes on.

Ally

 

[hearthope]

We only share what we have been through. Every person and every situation is unique. Never feel as though you are going against our counsel!
My difficult child is in my home. I felt at the time it was something that needed to happen. I "needed" to give him one more chance. It may be wrong for him and my reasons are selfish, but in order to go to sleep at night I needed to give it one last try.

I pray your daughter sees the light and follows through with getting straight.

This is a very un-nerving time...remember we are all here to share.

It helps me ALOT to just be able to post about my difficult child, there is no one else I could share what is happening in my home with.

So keep us updated and know we have been in your shoes

 

[Jen]

We come here to seek advice and to not be judgemental. These are the things that we can get here that the outside world cannot even begin to understand, and are judgemental, and that is how we get the feelings you sometimes, and us feel. You have to do what is feeling right for yourself, even if it doesnt turn out right. I dont know how many chances I have given our son, and still am only to get kicked in the face again,and when I turn to my outside friends, well needless to say they are sick of hearing it.

Jen

 

[HereWeGoAgain]

Maybe I didn't put that quite right. I don't feel that anyone's been judgmental at all, quite the opposite. The embarassment stems from fear of admitting that I may have gone against my own better judgment, knowing that the advice and knowledge expressed here by people in similar circumstances is valuable.

You ladies are better at just talking about stuff. The male perspective is often that we feeel like we ought to have an action plan and be stoic and all that. Like there's a manual out there of what to do and what not to do in a given situation: if "a", then "b". In reality every situation is unique and you just have to do what seems best and right. You just hate the feeling that you're completely at sea and what if you do the wrong thing, especially when you were warned.

 

[KFld]

I think it's a good sign that she is the one calling everyday to find placement and she is going to meetings. Shows that she is ready for help. If you were the one doing it all while she was sleeping all day, that would be a different story.

I always say, you have to follow your heart when making decisions. Yes, sometimes it goes against the advice of others who have been there done that, but it doesn't mean it's wrong.

I pray your daughter gets into a program soon. My difficult child is a recovering heroin addict, 5 months clean last week. He went from rehab to a soberhouse and he knows he does not ever have the option of living home again, as it would be going backwards for him. He has come much too far for that and more then anything, it has taught him independence that I never thought he would learn.

There is hope for addicts when they are ready. You should push for your daughter to get into a soberhouse for quite awhile after rehab. They really need to live the program for a long time, I have learned, for them to remain clean and learn how to live a normal healthy life. There is so much more to it then just not doing the drugs, it's a whole knew life!

 

[Sunlight]

there is not one single parenting manual that covers all the given differences and possibilites of raising kids.

you did good. you ask for advice and then assess your own situation. you know better than anyone what the real deal is in your own home. once you get ideas, you can mull them over and choose to proceed the way you feel is best.

nothing wrong with that. I have lost a friend because I had a mind of my own and would not be a sheep. I do not make a good sheep. I tend to ask advice and then make my own choices even if others are frustrated by that.

the lack of proper rehabs is amazing. even if you get her in one she still may bolt. it may not be the answer either. God bless and be with you and your family. May the right place come to light soon!

 

[AliceLee]

Don't be embarrassed...you've done what you think is right for your situtation, and nobody else is in your shoes. My prayers are with you & your family.

 

[flutterbee]

All we can ever do is what we think is right at the time and what we can live with. The best advice in the world is useless if you can't live with yourself if you follow it. You're doing what you think is right and that's all that matters. I second-guess myself everyday when it comes to my kids.

I will be keeping your difficult child in my thoughts in hopes that a spot opens for her soon.

 

[HereWeGoAgain]

This weekend was not so encouraging. She has been lying around doing nothing but eating for two days (not purging, though, at least). Should physical after-effects of addiction, specifically extreme lethargy, be this intense this long (17 days)? She bestirred herself to run a couple of loads of laundry and seemed to think that that was some kind of superhuman effort.

Her attitude has been very negative the past couple of days too. Zero attempt to find a meeting to go to. And then this afternoon, wife and I were downloading and playing some tunes, stuff that difficult child used to like along with us, and her mom asked her how'd she like the music? "Made me want heroin", says difficult child, bringing everyone right down (gr.daughter was on an outing with a friend, so did not witness this little scene, fortunately). Why say something like that except to feed her self-pity and make everything "all about her" and her problem? She's such a drag about everyday ordinary life, can't enjoy anything, won't play with her daughter; but other times gets almost giddy talking about things she did while on the street, using street slang and trying to shock us (pretty hard to do, any more), like she's proud of how messed up she is.

 

[jbrain]

So sorry things seem to be going downhill. I remember my dtr too would talk about her drug use as if she was proud of how messed up she was too. She liked to tell her younger sister the gory details. She certainly was into glorifying the drug use. Hope this doesn't go on much longer for you, it does sound depressing.
Sorry,
Jane

 

[AliceLee]

uggh....

 

[Loris]

I'm so sorry she seems to be falling into the trap. Hope she comes out of it soon.

 

[rejectedmom]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: HereWeGoAgain</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> and her mom asked her how'd she like the music? "Made me want heroin", says difficult child, bringing everyone right down... Why say something like that except to feed her self-pity and make everything "all about her" and her problem? She's such a drag about everyday ordinary life, can't enjoy anything, won't play with her daughter; but other times gets almost giddy talking about things she did while on the street, using street slang and trying to shock us (pretty hard to do, any more), like she's proud of how messed up she is. </div></div>

Did you say this to her? Maybe you should. Not to start a fight but just to let her know that you will not buy into her pity party nor will you listen to her macabe stories of drug use and being on the streets. Sorry she is such a downer for you I am sure it is hard to detach when it is right there working at bringing you down. Try not to let her. I would have just gotten up at that point and asked my spouse to dance to the music with me. -RM

 

[HereWeGoAgain]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">RM: Did you say this to her? Maybe you should. Not to start a fight but just to let her know that you will not buy into her pity party... </div></div>

You're right, and in fact my wife did say something along those lines and walk away. I think we succeeded in not letting her get her desired reaction. It did deflate our mood (but not like it would have a year or two ago) but she didn't get to see that. We're learning!

 

[Sunlight]

perhaps it is time to see if she qualifies for mental disability. my ex did that and lives alone in a trailer on the money. at least he is not torturing anyone else right now.