A
AmericanGirl
Guest
PV, i hope you can rest. Mine did this a month ago (didn't know where he was overnight). It was tough but it helped me detach.
difficult child back on drugs again, very worried and need advice
- Thread starter pinevalley
- Start date
lovemysons
Well-Known Member
pinevalley,
So sorry to hear that your difficult child is choosing the more difficult/painful road at the moment.
I think you and husband are going to have to draw a very hard line in the sand, very soon, as son sounds like he is leaving you with no other choice.
I can see how badly you and husband want for your difficult child to graduate High School but it is difficult child's decision, unfortunately. And as others have pointed out, there's always the GED and Community College. Both of my son's got their GED's and both have enrolled in CC, my oldest is in right now (my young difficult child was enrolled at one time, sigh, now headed off to prison).
I am sure last night was a difficult sleep for you. But our difficult child's tend to be very resourceful and know how to use people just as easily as drugs.
I hope you and husband will come up with a plan you can live with and that may lead to the desired results. Consequences seem to be the only thing that gets most of our difficult child's attention and create an environment for change.
I wish it wasn't so painful for us as their parents to watch it all unfold.
Hugs,
LMS
ps...I also think Al Anon would be great for you and husband during this time especially.
So sorry to hear that your difficult child is choosing the more difficult/painful road at the moment.
I think you and husband are going to have to draw a very hard line in the sand, very soon, as son sounds like he is leaving you with no other choice.
I can see how badly you and husband want for your difficult child to graduate High School but it is difficult child's decision, unfortunately. And as others have pointed out, there's always the GED and Community College. Both of my son's got their GED's and both have enrolled in CC, my oldest is in right now (my young difficult child was enrolled at one time, sigh, now headed off to prison).
I am sure last night was a difficult sleep for you. But our difficult child's tend to be very resourceful and know how to use people just as easily as drugs.
I hope you and husband will come up with a plan you can live with and that may lead to the desired results. Consequences seem to be the only thing that gets most of our difficult child's attention and create an environment for change.
I wish it wasn't so painful for us as their parents to watch it all unfold.
Hugs,
LMS
ps...I also think Al Anon would be great for you and husband during this time especially.
PV I hope you were able to rest last night, but I'm sure your heart ached terribly. It was almost a year ago exactly when we told our difficult child not to come home because she was relapsing after rehab and not going to school and not coming home most nights. She tried to come home late one night in a snowstorm and we wouldn't open the door. She banged and kicked it and screamed horrible things to us and we called the police who told her she had to leave. We watched her walk down to the end of the drive and sit in the snow for an hour until someone picked her up. We found out later he gave her $60 to spend the night in a hotel room down the road. It was a very very cold, wintery night and I cried all night. I wanted to open the door and run out and hug her and let her back in but I knew I couldn't. I ached all over.
She came home the next day promising to go back to school, stop smoking pot and get back to AA meetings. It lasted until that evening when she went out and didn't come home until the next day. When she came in we told her she had to leave and once again she threw a fit, broke furniture, threw pictures off the wall, ran upstairs and packed a small bag, slammed her door and broke it off the hinges and left.
She moved in with our pothead neighbor for six weeks until she begged to come home and we said no and gave her some numbers to call for help. She ended up in a sober house where she stayed six months.
What you are living through right now is the most difficult time with a difficult child who is actively using drugs. You are in limbo, you don't know what to do, there is no plan other than to get through that hour, that day. nd the next day is more of the same and there is no end in sight.
The only thing I wish I had differently during that time is I wish I had a place that I could have offered her as an alternative to coming home, either a treatment facility (but we had no money left by then) or a sober house. I wish we had been calmer during those days and stuck to the mantra that she needed to get help for her drug use and that is all we would support. Instead we kept telling her not to come home, and eventually she didn't. But we were flying by the seat of out pants at that time also and looking back there was nothing we could have done at that time that would have changed the outcome. She was not ready to get help then, but I probably would have felt better knowing there was an alternative out there.
Can you call the treatment center he was in and get some advice on where you should go from here and how you should handle it. I am so sorry this is happening. I remember like it was yesterday, I relive it every time I hear the story of another member on this forum. You are in my thoughts.
Hugs,
Nancy
She came home the next day promising to go back to school, stop smoking pot and get back to AA meetings. It lasted until that evening when she went out and didn't come home until the next day. When she came in we told her she had to leave and once again she threw a fit, broke furniture, threw pictures off the wall, ran upstairs and packed a small bag, slammed her door and broke it off the hinges and left.
She moved in with our pothead neighbor for six weeks until she begged to come home and we said no and gave her some numbers to call for help. She ended up in a sober house where she stayed six months.
What you are living through right now is the most difficult time with a difficult child who is actively using drugs. You are in limbo, you don't know what to do, there is no plan other than to get through that hour, that day. nd the next day is more of the same and there is no end in sight.
The only thing I wish I had differently during that time is I wish I had a place that I could have offered her as an alternative to coming home, either a treatment facility (but we had no money left by then) or a sober house. I wish we had been calmer during those days and stuck to the mantra that she needed to get help for her drug use and that is all we would support. Instead we kept telling her not to come home, and eventually she didn't. But we were flying by the seat of out pants at that time also and looking back there was nothing we could have done at that time that would have changed the outcome. She was not ready to get help then, but I probably would have felt better knowing there was an alternative out there.
Can you call the treatment center he was in and get some advice on where you should go from here and how you should handle it. I am so sorry this is happening. I remember like it was yesterday, I relive it every time I hear the story of another member on this forum. You are in my thoughts.
Hugs,
Nancy
PV, are you going to alanon or narcanon meetings? Is your h? You and husband need to get into recovery so that you don't enable your son's problems to continue. There is NO way you should be EVER giving him money for anything. Period.
As for "I'm only using pot", he is a drug addict and they lie. Every word. So you CANNOT trust that he isn't using k2 and/or other things. The whole "only pot" thing wasn't true when my peers used it and it isn't true now either. Not for the vast majority.
PLEASE find a meeting and also start seeing a therapist. Of course we are here and not going anywhere, but you also need help from people that you can see and touch in real life.
If you won't go to meetings for yourself, then go because addicts with family members who are working a recovery program are 30% more likely to get and stay clean. 30% is a LOT. If he was in school, it is three letter grades. Consider it tutoring for his addiction recovery class if you want.
(((((hugs))))) I am sorry this is so hard.
As for "I'm only using pot", he is a drug addict and they lie. Every word. So you CANNOT trust that he isn't using k2 and/or other things. The whole "only pot" thing wasn't true when my peers used it and it isn't true now either. Not for the vast majority.
PLEASE find a meeting and also start seeing a therapist. Of course we are here and not going anywhere, but you also need help from people that you can see and touch in real life.
If you won't go to meetings for yourself, then go because addicts with family members who are working a recovery program are 30% more likely to get and stay clean. 30% is a LOT. If he was in school, it is three letter grades. Consider it tutoring for his addiction recovery class if you want.
(((((hugs))))) I am sorry this is so hard.
DDD
Well-Known Member
We've been there done that, too. I clearly remember the anguish in the pit of my stomach each morning hoping that he would get up and go to school...and stay there. Somehow the senior year makes it more painful because they are sooo close to getting the diploma and as parents we daydream about that proud day and the Senior Prom and all the rest of it. To them, however, their friends and their substances are more important. Sigh. difficult child#1 breezed thru the GED test and it's stashed away in a file at home. It serves the purpose but...well, you know.
What course you choose is clearly up to you. Each of us has different circumstances. Repeat the Serenity Prayer and go with your heart. Hugs DDD
What course you choose is clearly up to you. Each of us has different circumstances. Repeat the Serenity Prayer and go with your heart. Hugs DDD
gottaloveem
Active Member
Hi Pinevalley,
I feel as I need to share.
You mentioned in one of your prior posts, that you don't think he is doing anything strong like heroin. To me, his behavior is screaming of heavy drug use. Please do not be blindsided by how big heroin is now. It is very available. It is much purer than it used to be so kids nowadays can snort it or smoke it, which takes away the fear of using needles for drugs.
In no way am I insinuating that he is on heroin. There are several things you should consider. Prescription drug use is huge for this generation of kids. Many kids get hooked on things like oxycodone (which is an opiate) oxy is very expensive, so therefore many use heroin (opiate) because it is cheaper and very easy to find now. I wish people understood how big heroin use is and has been for years now.
Kids don't sell their beloved guitars for pot. Period. Kids usually don't find themselves homeless because of pot. You mentioned that he used to care about school now he doesn't. Something in your son has changed.
As it has been said, if kids are admitting pot use, there is usually more going on. Especially when combined with some very negative behaviors.
I think you should take the "anything is possible" approach.
My son Alex died on April 23, 2006 due to an accidental heroin overdose. I only found out he was using 3 weeks before he died. When he admitted to using and wanted help stopping I helped. He admitted to using 3-6 months, but as I look back on his behavior, I figure he was using for 6-9 months which I later confirmed when I found a letter. My husband and I went to bed that night so thankful he had stopped and looked forward to a new beginning, and getting him back on the right track of turning into the nice young man we were raising him to be. He relapsed, bought some tainted stuff and died at home while we were sleeping. Drugs totally changed him. (although he was never easy to raise LOL, drugs made it very ugly) I would have never, ever, expected he was using heroin. I was absolutely devastated when I found out. Alex was 17, he only got to be 17 for one month and 2 days.
My advice would be to consider there is much more going on. Come here for advice. Parents here have been through everything. You have to get tough with him, which you are doing. Never give him money. Alex used to ask me for $8 for lunch. I would occasionally give it to him since we never gave him money due to his behavior.I later found out a packet of heroin was $8.
I wish you the best of luck with your son. I hope he decides he doesn't want to live like this and makes the decision to get his act together, finish school and move on in a positive direction.
Sending many cyber hugs and support your way. Substance abuse (of any kind) is extremely difficult.
Love,
Lia
PS: if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask. I don't mind sharing my experience especially if I can help another person (((HUGS)))
I feel as I need to share.
You mentioned in one of your prior posts, that you don't think he is doing anything strong like heroin. To me, his behavior is screaming of heavy drug use. Please do not be blindsided by how big heroin is now. It is very available. It is much purer than it used to be so kids nowadays can snort it or smoke it, which takes away the fear of using needles for drugs.
In no way am I insinuating that he is on heroin. There are several things you should consider. Prescription drug use is huge for this generation of kids. Many kids get hooked on things like oxycodone (which is an opiate) oxy is very expensive, so therefore many use heroin (opiate) because it is cheaper and very easy to find now. I wish people understood how big heroin use is and has been for years now.
Kids don't sell their beloved guitars for pot. Period. Kids usually don't find themselves homeless because of pot. You mentioned that he used to care about school now he doesn't. Something in your son has changed.
As it has been said, if kids are admitting pot use, there is usually more going on. Especially when combined with some very negative behaviors.
I think you should take the "anything is possible" approach.
My son Alex died on April 23, 2006 due to an accidental heroin overdose. I only found out he was using 3 weeks before he died. When he admitted to using and wanted help stopping I helped. He admitted to using 3-6 months, but as I look back on his behavior, I figure he was using for 6-9 months which I later confirmed when I found a letter. My husband and I went to bed that night so thankful he had stopped and looked forward to a new beginning, and getting him back on the right track of turning into the nice young man we were raising him to be. He relapsed, bought some tainted stuff and died at home while we were sleeping. Drugs totally changed him. (although he was never easy to raise LOL, drugs made it very ugly) I would have never, ever, expected he was using heroin. I was absolutely devastated when I found out. Alex was 17, he only got to be 17 for one month and 2 days.
My advice would be to consider there is much more going on. Come here for advice. Parents here have been through everything. You have to get tough with him, which you are doing. Never give him money. Alex used to ask me for $8 for lunch. I would occasionally give it to him since we never gave him money due to his behavior.I later found out a packet of heroin was $8.
I wish you the best of luck with your son. I hope he decides he doesn't want to live like this and makes the decision to get his act together, finish school and move on in a positive direction.
Sending many cyber hugs and support your way. Substance abuse (of any kind) is extremely difficult.
Love,
Lia
PS: if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask. I don't mind sharing my experience especially if I can help another person (((HUGS)))
Hi PV,
I was the one that was advocating that getting his high school diploma was really important and to try to stick it out until May. However, that was when I thought he might just be smoking pot. From you latest posts, it sounds like things are really escalating and that he is involved in much more than smoking pot. At this point, I think you need to let the diploma go and focus on his need to rehab and a halfway house.
I was also the one that posted about having to go through the eviction process to kick out our drug using daughter. by the way, my daughter was really abusing prescription pills and alcohol along with pot. Unfortunately she knew the law (which had been shared with her by other drug users living with their parents) and refused to leave when we told her that she had to go. We called the police and to out shock they told us she was right.
They told us our only alternative was to get a temporary restraining order and then she would have to leave. To get that though, we would have to prove that she was a danger to us.
We finally were able to get her out when she forged a check on our account while we were out of town and we told her that her choice was to leave or we would prosecute. She chose to leave.
I would go ahead and send him a letter by certified mail that he was being evicted and then follow up with the court system. In the meantime, if you find drugs in your house, threaten to turn him in if he doesn't leave. That might make him go. If he threatens you, try to get it recorded on your cell phone so you have proof for the restraining order. Lock up all your valuables, too.
Once our difficult child voluntarily left our house, we didn't have to let her return. She came and parked in our driveway several times and wouldn't leave so we called the police and one suggested a temporary trespassing order which would make it possible to have her arrested if she refused to leave. He gave a copy to her and us and it is good for a year.
It was really hard for me to watch a police officer tell my difficult child she had to leave our property or be arrested. It was the impetus, though, for her to finally enter rehab and then go to a halfway house. She had to hit rock bottom and truly have no place to go before she was willing to get help. Even then, she went into the 30 day rehab program to "show" us that she didn't have a problem. The stay in rehab didn't miraculously make everything better but it did open her eyes to the fact that she was an addict and started her on the journey of recovery.
My heart hurts for you as I read your posts because I know the agony that you are going through. We, too, grasped at anything that we thought would work. I can't tell you how many hotels, apartments, and extended stay hotels we paid for knowing that she couldn't live here since she was stealing from us to buy drugs and alcohol. All we did, though, was delay the inevitable. We just provided her a place to go use drugs. I wish we had forced our hand years ago.
{{{hugs}} for you and your husband and for your difficult child, too. That little boy that you love is still in there.
~Kathy
I was the one that was advocating that getting his high school diploma was really important and to try to stick it out until May. However, that was when I thought he might just be smoking pot. From you latest posts, it sounds like things are really escalating and that he is involved in much more than smoking pot. At this point, I think you need to let the diploma go and focus on his need to rehab and a halfway house.
I was also the one that posted about having to go through the eviction process to kick out our drug using daughter. by the way, my daughter was really abusing prescription pills and alcohol along with pot. Unfortunately she knew the law (which had been shared with her by other drug users living with their parents) and refused to leave when we told her that she had to go. We called the police and to out shock they told us she was right.
They told us our only alternative was to get a temporary restraining order and then she would have to leave. To get that though, we would have to prove that she was a danger to us.
We finally were able to get her out when she forged a check on our account while we were out of town and we told her that her choice was to leave or we would prosecute. She chose to leave.
I would go ahead and send him a letter by certified mail that he was being evicted and then follow up with the court system. In the meantime, if you find drugs in your house, threaten to turn him in if he doesn't leave. That might make him go. If he threatens you, try to get it recorded on your cell phone so you have proof for the restraining order. Lock up all your valuables, too.
Once our difficult child voluntarily left our house, we didn't have to let her return. She came and parked in our driveway several times and wouldn't leave so we called the police and one suggested a temporary trespassing order which would make it possible to have her arrested if she refused to leave. He gave a copy to her and us and it is good for a year.
It was really hard for me to watch a police officer tell my difficult child she had to leave our property or be arrested. It was the impetus, though, for her to finally enter rehab and then go to a halfway house. She had to hit rock bottom and truly have no place to go before she was willing to get help. Even then, she went into the 30 day rehab program to "show" us that she didn't have a problem. The stay in rehab didn't miraculously make everything better but it did open her eyes to the fact that she was an addict and started her on the journey of recovery.
My heart hurts for you as I read your posts because I know the agony that you are going through. We, too, grasped at anything that we thought would work. I can't tell you how many hotels, apartments, and extended stay hotels we paid for knowing that she couldn't live here since she was stealing from us to buy drugs and alcohol. All we did, though, was delay the inevitable. We just provided her a place to go use drugs. I wish we had forced our hand years ago.
{{{hugs}} for you and your husband and for your difficult child, too. That little boy that you love is still in there.
~Kathy
Nancy has a good point. You can start the eviction process now and inform him of that. You can also inform him that if in this time, he decides to take recovery seriously, attend IOP and follow the rules in YOUR home, you MAY reconsider. You can also remind him of the rules in your home "there are no drugs in this house" and that he seems to not be respecting your wishes. With this in mind, you will be calling the police if you find drugs in your home. That you are too tired of going up against him on the drugs and you need to remove yourself from that issue. If he brings drugs into YOUR home it will be between he and the police. If he cannot live with these reuls, he is free to leave, but until he does, your rules for YOUR home stand.
rejectedmom
New Member
PV, You have gotten very good advice so far. I wanted you to know that I too have been in your shoes. My son was using and in trouble with the law and disrespectful and abusive. I ,however, did not put my son out until he had physically harmed me while high. I later found out that he was using more than pot and had smoked crack right before the attack which left me with a broken rib. He was on bail at the time and I revoked the bond so he would not be on the streets using drugs in the harsh winter. I hate that our difficult child's force us to make such painful decisions when what they really need to do is the right thing. Unfortunately drugs are making their decisions for them. It hurts our hearts and frequently manifests in physical ailments for us the parents. Please try to take the time to take care of yourself also. It is important, even though right now your mind and heart are screaming "save your child". Try to make some kind of a balance and take time away from this problem to "just be normal" every day. It will help you when it comes to making the tough decisions becuse your anxiety elvels will be a tad lower. I am sorry you are going through this. -RM
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
I think almost everyone has said it all, but I wanted to emphasis that your son is most likely into a lot more than just pot. Kids will usually cop to pot because they know we, as parents, won't get THAT alarmed about it if that is all it is. But they don't cop to meth or over the counter drugs that can kill you or other dangerous drugs, and they also don't start selling things to get pot. That usually is a big red flag for addiction.
While our daughter was using, we thought she was just smoking pot, drinking and maybe, maybe experimenting with stronger drugs, but she always insisted she was afraid to use hard drugs. After she quit, she told us the truth: meth, speed, downers, even a shot of heroin once. There was probably nothing she didn't try. NOTHING scared her. We are fortunate that she lived to quit, but she taught us a scary lesson...we don't know what our kids are doing when it comes to drugs. My daughter's philosophy is: "Never trust a druggie. NEVER! Everything they say is a lie."
Hugs and I hope you can find a way to peace. I recommend Al-Anon or Narc-Anon too. It's great to get real face time support and help.
While our daughter was using, we thought she was just smoking pot, drinking and maybe, maybe experimenting with stronger drugs, but she always insisted she was afraid to use hard drugs. After she quit, she told us the truth: meth, speed, downers, even a shot of heroin once. There was probably nothing she didn't try. NOTHING scared her. We are fortunate that she lived to quit, but she taught us a scary lesson...we don't know what our kids are doing when it comes to drugs. My daughter's philosophy is: "Never trust a druggie. NEVER! Everything they say is a lie."
Hugs and I hope you can find a way to peace. I recommend Al-Anon or Narc-Anon too. It's great to get real face time support and help.
DammitJanet
Well-Known Member
I know I am not an expert but my theory is that he is using more than pot also. As far as the 30 day eviction thing, I would start with the certified letter, go ahead and send it but I would also do what Kathy suggested and inform him that the next time you either find drugs in your home or even suspect he is under the influence in your home you will call the police on him and that you will call the police on him each and every time you find him under the influence at your home. It is illegal for him to be under the influence so you can have him charged and if he wishes not to be charged he can remove himself from your home. Problem solved.
As far as the GED, I got my GED for a different reason than our difficult child's but I did get one and later I went on to college and ended up graduated with a 4.0 average and I did it with 3 kids under the age of 6.
As far as the GED, I got my GED for a different reason than our difficult child's but I did get one and later I went on to college and ended up graduated with a 4.0 average and I did it with 3 kids under the age of 6.
P
PatriotsGirl
Guest
I, too, got my GED and graduated college with a 4.0! Also had two kids at home, worked nights in a club and went to school during the day. It never ceases to amaze me how much we have in common....
Tiredof33
Active Member
Almost any parent wants their child to enjoy school proms etc. and graduate but my difficult child was gifted and hated school. A GED will keep you from an Ivy League college, but will allow you to work and go to another college the same as a diploma. I drove my difficult child to take the GED tests and sat in the car to make sure he didn't leave without taking them. I think a difficult child getting a GED is a huge accomplishment and a step in the right direction! I agree that anyone can go to college later in life and you hear of it often and at any age. But, I see few high school drop outs go for a GED later in life. I know several and they say they would be too embarassed at their age to sit for the tests, they both were lucky that they started their own business and it is doing fairly well.
Hubby's daughter took the GED at 18 and now has a masters and works in the public school system. Our Teacher of the Year award was given to a difficult child dropout that turned her life around in her twenties and sat for her GED and later went to college.
I got married in my senior year with only 2 courses needed to graduate. I had met the 'perfect man' and married. In our culture a woman's education was not as important as her looks. I still see some of that in this rural south area today. They are more proud of the beauty queens than the honor student!
I had always wanted to got to college but was told it was a waste because 'I was just going to get married and raise a family anyway'. I went to night school working full time with a baby and a husband that was not supportive in any way.
My husband did not want me to do anything outside of the home including having friends. When he started drug use ( I suspect he always had been using and I just didn't now the signs ) I had a very hard time getting away from him, but I divorced him.
I was in my 30's when I started college using AT&T's tuition plan and I now have two masters. It is all in what the individual wants to do and they have to really want it lol!!!
Hubby's daughter took the GED at 18 and now has a masters and works in the public school system. Our Teacher of the Year award was given to a difficult child dropout that turned her life around in her twenties and sat for her GED and later went to college.
I got married in my senior year with only 2 courses needed to graduate. I had met the 'perfect man' and married. In our culture a woman's education was not as important as her looks. I still see some of that in this rural south area today. They are more proud of the beauty queens than the honor student!
I had always wanted to got to college but was told it was a waste because 'I was just going to get married and raise a family anyway'. I went to night school working full time with a baby and a husband that was not supportive in any way.
My husband did not want me to do anything outside of the home including having friends. When he started drug use ( I suspect he always had been using and I just didn't now the signs ) I had a very hard time getting away from him, but I divorced him.
I was in my 30's when I started college using AT&T's tuition plan and I now have two masters. It is all in what the individual wants to do and they have to really want it lol!!!
FlowerGarden
Active Member
In my town, if a student is truant, the police will bring the student to school. No way would they allow the student to just wander the streets or just skip school. As long as they are registered at the school, it doesn't matter their age. The police need to help you enforce school attendance. The police have the upper hand and can arrest him. Having him arrested could work in your favor. You can try to see if he can be court ordered into a drug program.
Hugs to you.
Hugs to you.
pinevalley
Member
To Lia (gottaloveem): Reading about the tragic way that your son Alex dies almost made me cry. I have no idea how you ever recover from the death of a child. It was so brave of you to share your story with me, and to continue to try to help other struggling parents. Thank you so much for caring enough to tell me about Alex. I will say a prayer in memory of your son.
