difficult child has been gone 10 days

[Skylark Matrix]

Well, 10 days into the new bout of stupidity..... the bank phoned looking for her, she's overdrawn. I phoned her to tell her, she is overdrawn "a bit" and the bank had tracked her down. so I did the motherly thing AGAIN and explained what happens with nsf cheques, why you can't do that, use cash only, etc. etc. Then she got in a rant because she wanted me to cover it from money we have in a joint account to be used for school and getting her own place, along with $300 that was to be used to learn to budget weekly for August, which now has to stretch to Sept. because she quit her job. Anyway when I told her I would not cover it because of the above reasons she let it slip and I found out she is $270 overdrawn. In ten days. That's not including the $125 I gave her just before she left (for her weekly budget because I didn't know she was leaving) and the $60 for the next week - we had to cut the amount in half so it would last for 2 months now. While at home she had a nice job in a store at a resort, full time until Sept 4, but she could not stand to live here one more minute. She won't work in restaurants that are hiring because she HATES that and won't do it. She does, thankfully, have a part time job in a clothing store, but won't get paid for a while. I hung up on her when she was yelling at me "what the hell are you doing".
Anyway, on the upside, my hard greiving is over, and I have the room cleaned and fixed up for company.

 

[mom_to_3]

It sounds like you have all your ducks in a row and are at peace with this situation. Not that you like the situation, but know that your daughter has to do all the work now. Just reading your post, it was interesting to me to see how much we micro manage so many of the details of our difficult child's lives. Glad you are ready for company now!

 

[1905]

It sounds like she has some lessons to learn. She couldn't stand working at her job one more minute? And she hates restaurant work? Next time she calls you yelling at you, hang right up. You won't be yelled at. Have a standard answer ready when she calls with her "woe is me" story, like, "You're a smart girl, I'm sure you'll figure something out". I would make that allowance conditional like she needs a full time job. It sounds like she expects you to clean up her messes with the bank, and pay for everything she wants through her school fund. Don't help her with the bank mess, she'll wise up quickly. You can do it.Alyssa

 

[meowbunny]

If the money is hers, I'd give it to her. Legally, she has a right to it. If you contributed to the account for specific purposes (school, car, etc.), I would take that money out and put it in a separate account or simply say it is my money, it is not being used as planned and spend it on something special for me. I would make it abundantly clear that once this money is gone there will be no more and mean it. No matter what, you won't bail her out financially.

My daughter was like yours -- just had to move out, just had to spend every dime she had, just had to quit her job within days of leaving home, just had to be overdrawn because she had no money. The first two times, I paid her overdraft fees, I paid her friends the money she owed. The last time, I let her come home but I would not pay for her mistakes. She's had to find a way to make thihgs right with everyone. It caused her some problems -- she has some friends who will no longer talk to her, she has a Hollywood Video account in collections but she's making arrangements on her own to fix this, she no longer has a checking account, her credit ratring is a wreck. However, she is taking care of her problems, she is showing some responsibility and some maturity and I don't have to hear her whine about money. I simply say, "Sorry, hon, you're an adult. You'll have to figure out a way to take care of it." If she explicitly asks for advice on an issue, I will give her an answer on that question only. It's saved a lot of battles.

 

[Skylark Matrix]

I know the money is legally hers and it is all hers, I didn't contribute. If I give it all over to her now it will be gone in a couple of days and she may even use it for something really stupid like going to Vancouver (or Tuktiyuktuk !!! LOL) to meet some new boyfriend and then I will be in a big anxiety attack. I know I shouldn't try to help her this way, but a small part of me is still really hoping college on Sept 17 will be a new start and she'll make it work. She'll need the money then and hopefully use it properly.
A new item of disrespect: Even though I cleaned her room I did leave some things as she had them, one being a "Jones" bottle collection on a shelf. I did not want her to feel like I garbaged her whole life, I want that to always be her room, even though it is not decorated with dirty underwear, garbage and food scraps. Today I am doing windows and discovered when one bottle fell over that it was an "8 Ball rye and coke". We do not drink ever, even extended family just know not to bring liquor here. I had no idea it was there as it sort of looks similar to a jones bottle. This is a new low for me to deal with and I am not very happy about it.

 

[Sunlight]

it is a process of removing what you hoped for from your life and learning to accept what you have. ant still overdraws his acct every single week and is charged 38 bucks or more per time. he said he is simply not going to use a bank anymore. he refuses to learn to manage a bank acct.