Coping with addicted, homeless adult daughter

[ANewLife4Me]

To clarify, she found the book in our house, buried in a drawer. I knew that book sounded familiar. I just hadn’t seen it in a while.

For me Dad34 it’s easier to read either books or this group here. I have a support group in my area but, takes a monumental effort to do anything these days. My lifelong issue with depression/anxiety is only compounded by my daughter’s issues. Trying with all I have to break free of this cycle. Hope the book inspires you as it did me.

You were saying to Copa how you messaged your daughter with no response. Having tried multiple ways in past to be in my daughters life, the times she did just up and leave us, the time I found her an apartment….she would only contact me when she needed something. Looking back on this just clearly puts into my mind the manipulation, the control they have over us. I think my daughter fed on my need for her, used it against me time and again. My son, who does not have the mental issues his sister does, we had the same relationship. As he is getting older things are changing for us, he realizes what he has been doing all these years and we have a closer relationship now as he figured out the pain he caused me. He has a completely different outlook on his childhood compared to my daughter. Said that his childhood was amazing and he could not have better parents. I am comforted by that as those thoughts of what I did wrong were for nothing. I suspect this is the same with you too. Because we are blaming ourselves, overthinking each tiny detail, as you said about your last conversation with your daughter, maybe we are not the problem after all much as they try and blame us. I am trying to put my mind elsewhere these days and not so much on those details.

Hugs!

 

[Dad34]

Dad …thank you for sharing additional details about your daughter.

WOW! She graduated high school and college! Not many of us here on our board can say that about our wayward children.
This is a huge plus in my opinion because this gives her a win in her life. My son had a lot of failures in his life, not many wins.

It sounds like your daughter has definitely experienced deep depression and may need an antidepressant to help her with her struggles. Of course she also must seek help for her alcoholism as well.

Suicide is definitely a concern too. My son used to have suicidal thoughts too. Most of this stopped after he became a Christian.
I also discussed with him the fact that most people who survive a suicide attempt regret the act immediately afterwords.

My son did not graduate high school but did get his GED. He entered the Army a couple of weeks after he married his girlfriend who had become pregnant. Though his time in the Army only lasted about a year and a half due to substance abuse issues. He was discharged honorably though thank goodness.

Yes I do think it’s important that you are prepared for the next crisis.

You sound like a very loving dad. Your daughter has surely been blessed to having been raised by you. I hope you won’t be too hard on yourself.

Love and prayers,
LMS

Hi LMS,

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. It is good she graduated from high school and from college with a B.S. and I have told her I'm proud of her. She could still have a good future if she broke free from her addictions - a BIG if, I understand, but I have to leave that in God's hands; she has already done a lot of damage to her body and mind, unfortunately. As for depression, my daughter was on an anti-depressant for many years and I assume she still is.

I'm glad your son became a Christian. I'm sure that is comforting to you now, after his passing, which you can now know was into eternal life and you will see him again one glorious day, and he will be free from his addictions! My daughter used to say she didn't believe in God but in recent years she's switched and says she now believes that God exists, she prays, and considers herself a Christian (she was raised going to church, so she has knowledge about the Christian faith). That is encouraging and I pray that God can use that foothold to rescue her from her addiction, in His timing. But again, that is in God's hands and I realize I can't count on the outcome I want for her. I must leave that to God, trust him with the outcome, and continue to hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

I agree I must be prepared for the next crisis, whatever that is. It is difficult to do, since I don't know for sure what that crisis will be. But I will keep reading the posts on this website and my Al Anon "One Day at a Time" book, which reminds me to work on my own shortcomings, be more loving and less critical of my daughter, all the while setting clear boundaries with her. And of course, I will trust that God will help me through the crisis, whatever it is.

Blessings to you, LMS.

 

[lovemysons]

Thank you Dad…

I was rereading through your post and saw where your daughter said she hated herself. I do wonder what it is that she thinks is so unforgivable that she has done to make her hate herself. If she could ever discuss that with say a Christian counselor she might get somewhere with healing.

I think my own son suffered inside with feeling like a failure. My husband is a Superman. Can fix anything broken. Has worked his entire adult life and been very successful in leadership roles and even coaching football as well as bowling.
My other son who struggled for many years with addiction now owns an almost 20 million dollar a year business with 70 employees. He is doing quite well for himself too. And my daughter is working towards her Masters and is a wonderful mama to my 3 year old granddaughter and she is pregnant with new grand baby due in September.

I am so glad to know though that your daughter has her education to fall back on if and when she can. My son did not have any huge wins except for his 3 beautiful children who he was very very proud of. They miss him so much now.

Keep praying and posting.
Love,
LMS

 

[Beta]

Such good insight, from both of you. Thank you. Not allowing the decisions of our child to overwhelm our daily lives and keep us from living the life we have been entrusted with is a daily struggle. It helps to know that I'm not alone.

 

[Dad34]

Hi Dad,
Your thoughts and kind response is so appreciated.


It has been a challenge with two wayward daughters, that’s for sure. I still get thrown off guard by the reality and the off and on news of them, but it is what it is. I am blessed to have three adult children who are doing well and have to remind myself that for many years, late hubs and I were so focused on trying to save my two. It wasn’t fair to their siblings. Time to focus on my well children and grandchildren, as well as trying to live my best life.

I do believe that our addicted adult children in their desperate minds, grab at anything to switch the blame for their choices towards us. I used to “reel the tapes” of how I might have done things differently. I was stuck in a loop for quite some time. It was surprising to me to hear my daughter speak those words. Unfortunately she is back out there, but I do hope that each time she goes through jail or rehab, she will retain something positive from her experience. I do believe deep down our kids know. CD had a member who was a recovering addict and I remember him writing that when sober, all of the wrongful things he did to get high, would come back to haunt him. So he would get high to avoid the guilt. What a vicious cycle.

Definitely slow motion train wreck. As I was raising my two, hubs cousins were going through one crisis after another with their meth addicted daughter who had four children. Never in my wildest imagination did I think we would be traveling a similar journey. Indeed “let go and let God”.

My youngest daughter always quotes “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” I had a lot of waking up to do and still have to work at it. I have come to realize that there is nothing I can do or say that will change my twos life course. What I have left is prayer, and prayer is more powerful than anything.

It is hard to hear, but good to have that reinforcement from folks who know how addiction works.

I wish it was different too. I have a hard time with the word acceptance, I don’t think I will ever accept the life my daughters choose. The reality is that I have no control over it, or them. When I find myself troubled over whatever new situation comes up, I write here and get help from the kind folks here and I pray that God will watch over them. Tornado once told me that “You have to accept that I am an addict.” I replied “The only thing I am accepting is that I have no control over your choices.” But, I do tell her that she has way more potential than the choices she is making. Hopefully one day she and her sister will realize this.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad after a 6 year battle with illness, then 4 years later my husband passed after being ill off and on for 3 years. All the while my two were cycling downward. I have often said that grieving over a loved one who is living is harder than losing a loved one in death. While this loss is so difficult to deal with, there is a finality. With our wayward adult children the grief can be a constant roller coaster until we decide to get off that hellish ride.

It is sad. I tried to be stoic about it, but realized that if I don’t let those feelings flow every so often, my health deteriorates.

This is the challenge that we face. I have not given up on my two, I have given in to the ill conceived notion that I can change them.

You know, I couldn’t go through those photos for years. It made me sad and kept me stuck at viewing my daughters as the children they once were. That just pressed the rescue button even harder. I think we have to go through different stages and steps of dealing with this harsh reality with our beloveds choices to find our own path with peace. We are on our own journey of recovery.

True words. When grieving the passing of my husband, there was a point where I kept seeing and feeling his final moments. It haunted me. Then I realized that I was not honoring his life, by allowing myself to be overcome by his death. Maybe it’s the same when our adult children are on this destructive path. I would project the absolute worst case scenarios, as if to prepare myself for whatever may happen. Now, I try to replace negative thoughts and images with positive ones. To view the time I did have with my two, my husband, with a grateful heart.
I think our adult kids have a lot of soul searching to do. Their actions do not bespeak self love. We do not have to synchronize with that. We can understand it, but we can rise above. It takes work. I am my own worst critic as well and have a tendency for circular thinking. Stopping that negative voice in my head is critical. It is hard, but necessary. I believe everything has energy, thoughts and words are powerful. We need to practice more kindness towards ourselves.


Thank you for your prayers.

I love that analogy. Imagery from stories, songs, quotes from folks who have risen above life’s challenges has been a lifeline for me.

It does not sound like a sermon at all. Thank you for sharing. It is similar to the mantra I want to live by- Have an attitude of gratitude.
Thank you for sharing your journey Dad. It is not an easy path to walk, do know that you are not alone. Our lives are worth living well, finding peace and joy. We are the first teachers and best examples for our adult children in modeling and practicing self love. I think that path and prayer is the truest help we can offer.
Hugs
New Leaf

Hi New Leaf,
Your analogy is helpful, to stop "Reeling the Tapes" of happier times when our adult, addict children were young. It's good to be grateful for the time we had with them when they were children, but we can't stay stuck there if we want to live our best lives here in the present. There's an old 80's song that says "to the heart and mind, ignorance is kind; it's easy to pretend". Being stuck in the past is like trying to find comfort by pretending things are like they were then. But that only makes the present more difficult when reality comes back into focus or the next crisis slaps us in the face. I'm so glad we can find joy in what we had (and in other good things we have now), and that that joy can only be stolen from us by the present if we allow it. The choice is ours.

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” I had a lot of waking up to do and still have to work at it. I have come to realize that there is nothing I can do or say that will change my twos life course. What I have left is prayer, and prayer is more powerful than anything.

Amen to that. I need to remember this too, especially when the next crisis rears its ugly head. In the fog of war, it is easy to forget these lessons we've learned and share on this website, and insanity seems to be an accurate description of how I often felt when I continued to try and continued to fail. Prayer and "Let Go, Let God" is far better.

I have a hard time with the word acceptance, I don’t think I will ever accept the life my daughters choose...Tornado once told me that “You have to accept that I am an addict.” I replied “The only thing I am accepting is that I have no control over your choices.” But, I do tell her that she has way more potential than the choices she is making.

I think you are right, and I probably misspoke when I said I must accept her status as an addict. A more accurate word would be "detach". I must detach emotionally from the destructive consequences of her addiction, while accepting that I can't change her choices.

I lost my Dad after a 6 year battle with illness, then 4 years later my husband passed after being ill off and on for 3 years. All the while my two were cycling downward. I have often said that grieving over a loved one who is living is harder than losing a loved one in death. While this loss is so difficult to deal with, there is a finality. With our wayward adult children the grief can be a constant roller coaster until we decide to get off that hellish ride.

I'm sorry for your loss too. I didn't realize you had lost your husband. How hard that must have been. But I agree with your statements about grieving over the loss of our loved ones who are living vs those who were lost in death, and I appreciate your reminder that we as parents have the choice to get off the hellish roller coaster of fearing and being depressed over our addicted children's destructive choices, both past and potentially future.

I would project the absolute worst case scenarios, as if to prepare myself for whatever may happen. Now, I try to replace negative thoughts and images with positive ones. To view the time I did have with my two, my husband, with a grateful heart.

Fearing the worst case scenarios almost destroyed me. I was sad and sometimes in despair about her situation and afraid of hearing the phone ring and hearing the next bad news. As I said earlier, it's so easy to slip back into that fearful mindset, and keeping free from it, or at least not being paralyzed by it, requires constant vigilance...thinking about good vs. bad, being grateful, praying, taking refuge in God.

Thanks again, New Leaf. Praying for your children and grandchildren.

 

[Dad34]

Hi, as I read your post, I saw so many similarities with our situation. Our oldest son, age 34 yo, is homeless and addicted to fentanyl somewhere in Phoenix, AZ. He has some possible bipolar issues. He too has lost his phone and only communicates sporadically by FB messenger. He says fentanyl is no big deal and it makes him feel better. I totally understand the anxiety, fear, and bafflement you express. I too could never have imagined this when he was growing up. My husband and I pray for him every day; we have prepared ourselves for the worst to happen, and we too have to detach a little bit each day in order to function and not have this overwhelm our lives. I just want to say that you are right--you are not alone. I also want to say I am so, so sorry for the daily struggle to bear up under this. Keep checking back on this site and post when you need to. There are some wonderful, wise people here who have helped me many times with my perspective. God bless you.

Hi Beta,
Thank you for your kind response. I have read some of your posts in the past few months and my heart breaks for you and your husband. I thought the same thing as I read your posts, that the story of my 34 yo is similar to your son's. I agree this website is a Godsend, and there is much wisdom shared here that has been forged in the crucible of the kind of suffering we all share; it is a heavy cross to bear. I suppose Easter reminds us we have Someone who can encourage us as we bear our cross though, Someone who is familiar with pain, suffering, and sorrow (Good Friday), as well as joy, peace, and hope (Easter Sunday). God bless you too.

 

[Dad34]

Thank you Dad, for your comments. One thing I struggle with is my son's capacity to decide well in his life. His judgment is horrible. The whole issue of responsibility is so difficult when people have diminished capacity, for one reason or another.

But if I gain distance and don't feel the weight of this personally I say that parents should not take responsibility for their grown children, even if they're marginally responsible. It crushes us. We become beasts of burden. The other reason is that there will be a time that we're gone. And our children must reconcile themselves to real life unmediated by their parents. And finally, every adult needs their own relationship to their lives.

But I worry, fret and suffer to the extent I think my son can't do it.

He has said more than once, I'm not you. There is so much truth in that. Even wisdom.

And finally, aren't our paths, "G-d-given?" Can we say we will only accept the good and the easy? Isn't that the truth for us and for our children, too?

Copa,
Once again you make some very valid points. I know from another post of yours that you recently heard from your son and was accused by him, and you struggle, and I'm sorry to hear that. That is the fog of war I mentioned in this string; it is difficult to "hold the line" and do (or not do) what we know we should (or shouldn't) do, when we are in the midst of a frontal assault by them. We love our kids, know they have terrible judgement, know they are in desperate situations (consequences of their own decisions), and it's heartbreaking to tell them "No", we can't necessarily do what they ask of us. They ARE adults now, and it isn't our responsibility to bail them out, lest we be crushed, as you said above, because it becomes a repeated, endless cycle.

Are our paths God given? Mostly I believe that's true. I also believe God allows us to make choices, and some of our suffering comes from the consequences of our own choices, and that perhaps it could have been different if we'd made other choices. Just like our children who suffer the consequences of their decisions. But I agree that we can't expect only the good and easy. Suffering is part of this life and why should we expect to be exempt? As long as God is present with us in our suffering, which I believe he is (if we ask him), then I believe we can endure it and even be refined by it, somehow. But I am tired, I'll admit. Sometimes it seems so heavy. I need to focus on the good I have been given and not allow myself to be constantly pulled down into discouragement by my daughter's choices and her situation. We parents need to live our lives and enjoy our relationships with others in our lives.

 

[Dad34]

For me Dad34 it’s easier to read either books or this group here. I have a support group in my area but, takes a monumental effort to do anything these days. My lifelong issue with depression/anxiety is only compounded by my daughter’s issues. Trying with all I have to break free of this cycle. Hope the book inspires you as it did me.

You were saying to Copa how you messaged your daughter with no response. Having tried multiple ways in past to be in my daughters life, the times she did just up and leave us, the time I found her an apartment….she would only contact me when she needed something. Looking back on this just clearly puts into my mind the manipulation, the control they have over us. I think my daughter fed on my need for her, used it against me time and again. My son, who does not have the mental issues his sister does, we had the same relationship. As he is getting older things are changing for us, he realizes what he has been doing all these years and we have a closer relationship now as he figured out the pain he caused me. He has a completely different outlook on his childhood compared to my daughter. Said that his childhood was amazing and he could not have better parents. I am comforted by that as those thoughts of what I did wrong were for nothing. I suspect this is the same with you too. Because we are blaming ourselves, overthinking each tiny detail, as you said about your last conversation with your daughter, maybe we are not the problem after all much as they try and blame us. I am trying to put my mind elsewhere these days and not so much on those details.

Hugs!

ANewLife4Me:
Thank you for your encouragement and valuable insights. It's helpful to hear that you and other parents on this forum have been through similar situations and have struggled with blaming themselves for mistakes they may have made, or struggled with overthinking each tiny detail and feeling guilty, but have managed to find a more healthy path. You are fortunate you have your son who woke up from his hurtful ways and then told you that you were great parents. What a blessing! I must stop "reeling the tapes" of the past. Instead, I must try to put my mind elsewhere this day, and tomorrow, and the day after that, one day at a time. Yes, I needed to hear that! Thanks again!

 

[Dad34]

Thank you Dad…

I was rereading through your post and saw where your daughter said she hated herself. I do wonder what it is that she thinks is so unforgivable that she has done to make her hate herself. If she could ever discuss that with say a Christian counselor she might get somewhere with healing.

I think my own son suffered inside with feeling like a failure. My husband is a Superman. Can fix anything broken. Has worked his entire adult life and been very successful in leadership roles and even coaching football as well as bowling.
My other son who struggled for many years with addiction now owns an almost 20 million dollar a year business with 70 employees. He is doing quite well for himself too. And my daughter is working towards her Masters and is a wonderful mama to my 3 year old granddaughter and she is pregnant with new grand baby due in September.

I am so glad to know though that your daughter has her education to fall back on if and when she can. My son did not have any huge wins except for his 3 beautiful children who he was very very proud of. They miss him so much now.

Keep praying and posting.
Love,
LMS

lovemysons,
I don't know what has caused her to hate herself. Al Anon literature states that often the addict knows they are hurting their family through their addiction, and that that can cause them to continue to drink/use drugs to dull the pain/guilt, especially if we family members criticize them, beg them to do what we want them to do, etc. Also, when she was in high school, she used to sneak out of the house at night - a lot (I thought I caught her most of the time but she must have done it more than I knew). Anyway, many years later she told me that once, when she had sneaked out of the house, she had been raped. My ex-wife isn't sure she is telling the truth. I don't know, but she seemed to be telling the truth when she told me. I asked her why she hadn't told me that night, and she said she tried to tell herself it wasn't a big deal. It's still hard for me to believe she could keep something like that from me for so many years without my finding out. Anyway, she wouldn't tell me who had raped her (which could be a good thing, because as a father I may feel moved to find the creep and...well, you get the picture). If she was raped, surely it would have had emotional consequences, I would think. As for seeing a Christian counselor, I would love for her to do that and perhaps that time will come. But now she is out of contact and, apparently, still homeless and lost in her addiction.

I'm glad your other son got his act together, and that your daughter is doing well. I'll keep praying for your grandchildren too. I'm sure they do miss their dad.

Thanks for your thoughtful questions!

 

[ANewLife4Me]

ANewLife4Me:
Thank you for your encouragement and valuable insights. It's helpful to hear that you and other parents on this forum have been through similar situations and have struggled with blaming themselves for mistakes they may have made, or struggled with overthinking each tiny detail and feeling guilty, but have managed to find a more healthy path. You are fortunate you have your son who woke up from his hurtful ways and then told you that you were great parents. What a blessing! I must stop "reeling the tapes" of the past. Instead, I must try to put my mind elsewhere this day, and tomorrow, and the day after that, one day at a time. Yes, I needed to hear that! Thanks again!

I hope that today finds you well Dad34. No matter how hard we try, our hearts let us down but, it’s to be expected….we are far from perfect. Have had a few bad days myself, what brought it on is my daughters competency hearing is on the 16th. The decision if she is able to continue on to trial or not. Depression reared itself yet again and am just getting out of it. What a fine line we walk day to day but hopefully, more days of putting ourselves first….2 steps forward - 3 back. Just have to trust that God will intercept on our behalf with the best possible outcome. My son, well, it’s good days and bad. He realizes and then goes back to old ways. I broke down on the phone with him few days ago saying I am not in a good way. He was very concerned and hopefully put it more to him that things cannot continue or else I will have to make a hard decision with him as well.

 

[Beta]

Hi Beta,
Thank you for your kind response. I have read some of your posts in the past few months and my heart breaks for you and your husband. I thought the same thing as I read your posts, that the story of my 34 yo is similar to your son's. I agree this website is a Godsend, and there is much wisdom shared here that has been forged in the crucible of the kind of suffering we all share; it is a heavy cross to bear. I suppose Easter reminds us we have Someone who can encourage us as we bear our cross though, Someone who is familiar with pain, suffering, and sorrow (Good Friday), as well as joy, peace, and hope (Easter Sunday). God bless you too.

Dad34,
Thank you for your kind response. I do trust that God is with us and will use this for good in our lives as we allow Him. I am thankful that He knows very well how frail human beings are. But, like you, I am weary. Struggling with the grief. It's been almost two months since I last heard from Josh. Back in the summer, he went five months with no contact and I'm wondering if this will be another long stretch, or if he's even alive. We have registered our contact information with the coroner's office where he lives, and he is in the system from a previous arrest, but I still worry that something could happen and we might not ever know. Everyday is a struggle to trust God with this. I keep reminding myself that He gave Josh to us to raise and to love, and He had a purpose for that and knew this would happen. Wish I could write more, but time to go to work. Thank you for allowing me to "vent" for a moment.

 

[Dad34]

Dad34,
Thank you for your kind response. I do trust that God is with us and will use this for good in our lives as we allow Him. I am thankful that He knows very well how frail human beings are. But, like you, I am weary. Struggling with the grief. It's been almost two months since I last heard from Josh. Back in the summer, he went five months with no contact and I'm wondering if this will be another long stretch, or if he's even alive. We have registered our contact information with the coroner's office where he lives, and he is in the system from a previous arrest, but I still worry that something could happen and we might not ever know. Everyday is a struggle to trust God with this. I keep reminding myself that He gave Josh to us to raise and to love, and He had a purpose for that and knew this would happen. Wish I could write more, but time to go to work. Thank you for allowing me to "vent" for a moment.

Beta,
Feel free to "vent" any time you like. I haven't heard from my daughter since last summer. The grief is sometimes almost overwhelming. I assume if something really bad happens to her, that her mother would contact me - IF she is in contact with her, which I'm not certain of, since she rarely communicates with me either. I miss my daughter, but I find comfort in knowing I can turn her over to God in prayer, and that He knows where she is, how she is doing, and is working in her life in ways I can't understand. She is, after all, His daughter too; He knows her even better than I do. I should look into finding out if she has been arrested...I haven't figured out yet how to do that. I never thought about contacting the coroner's office.

 

[Beta]

Beta,
Feel free to "vent" any time you like. I haven't heard from my daughter since last summer. The grief is sometimes almost overwhelming. I assume if something really bad happens to her, that her mother would contact me - IF she is in contact with her, which I'm not certain of, since she rarely communicates with me either. I miss my daughter, but I find comfort in knowing I can turn her over to God in prayer, and that He knows where she is, how she is doing, and is working in her life in ways I can't understand. She is, after all, His daughter too; He knows her even better than I do. I should look into finding out if she has been arrested...I haven't figured out yet how to do that. I never thought about contacting the coroner's office.

Thank you; I appreciate that. I am so sorry for the absence of your daughter in your life right now and her silence. You are right--the grief can feel overwhelming. I pray for Josh throughout each day as he comes to mind and that does help to some extent. I just wish we could do something more but we have no way of contacting him since he has no phone and we have no idea where he is staying. Only God can work this out in our children's lives.

 

[ButCoffeeFirst]

Dad34, I am not so good with learning how to quote nor do I write as wonderful as all of you do. Just wanted to say how this touched me, your pain is so evident for both you and her. We have made mistakes in the past, God is the only perfect one so we should not put so much weight on what we did or did not do. I have heard from so many, even a judge when I was in court with her, they said others in her shoes could only wish for the love and support she has. From the book…..

“The bitter truth for many of us is that we haven’t been helping; we’ve been enabling. So instead of praying to God to stop the pain, remove the difficulty, or change the lives of our adult children, we must rise up and pray for something entirely different. We must pray for the courage to look deep in our own hearts and souls. We must pray for the strength to begin a journey that quite possibly may change our own lives—and pray for the wisdom to make new choices. Making new choices won’t always be easy. We’ve been repeating the same patterns for years, but now we need to ask ourselves what rewards we’re getting from enabling our adult children. What need is this fulfilling in our lives? Quite simply, we must identify our own issues.”

This book was a big deal to me, the focus is on God above all but, my enabling. When I recognized the whys of what I did it was a huge moment for me. My own mother was an enabler, my father an alcoholic. Thinking of my own past I could pinpoint the exact issues which lead me to do as I do today. Am also a co-dependent to both my children, they are my life. Breaking free of these behaviors is difficult and in essence re-writing my own history. It’s baby steps at the moment, one step forward - 2 back but each step I declare victory nonetheless.

I do not mind at all you speaking of God, He has gotten me through so many horrible situations in my life….I would not be here today if it were not for Him.

Big hugs!

You write with such clarity and insightfulness.
I find myself often nodding or pausing to reread and think it over.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

You write with such clarity and insightfulness.
I find myself often nodding or pausing to reread and think it over.

Thank you so much ButCoffeeFirst, we all speak from the heart.

 

[Midst]

Hello everyone. I'm new here and have been reading posts. My 35 year old daughter is addicted to methamphetamine and alcohol, and she has been homeless for about four years. She got pregnant and gave birth to my grandson in 2022. She didn't want him and she didn't even want to hold him when he was born. DHS placed him with my husband and I after taking him away from her. I'm 56 and my husband is 63. My grandson is healthy by the grace of God, and we love him completely, but I really resent my daughter for not being willing to get her life together! I have slowly been able to detach from her and realize that I can't save her. It's very painful to accept.

 

[ksm]

I'm so sorry, Midst...I have a similar issue with my daughter/granddaughter. (Long story...20 years ago our grands were in foster care for a year before we could get them placed with us. We adopted in 2005. They are now 24 and 26 and the youngest one has a little boy who is 4)

Their parents had an addiction to meth. Now the youngest is a meth addict. We have taken care of great grandson for 2.5 years.

I will be 69 soon and my husband is 80. Luckily we are healthy, but it is very hard caring for a 4 year old! And I do resent his mom! She started experimenting with meth at age 15. She got in trouble for being stopped with drugs in her car over a year ago. It could be a felony, but she was offered diversion last month.

I don't know if she can follow the rules for 18 months and stay clean. If not, she will probably be sent to jail. She pops in and out of her son's life. I keep a diary of daily notes and she spent 3 nights in June here. So maybe her not being around is a blessing of sorts.

Resentment is normal. I resent that meth is affecting another generation... That my Great grandson looks out his bedroom window every morning and says "mommy's car is not here". "where's mommy" and lately..."mommy died".

This is a good place to come and vent...welcome to the club no one wanted to join.

Ksm

 

[Copabanana]

welcome to the club no one wanted to join.

ditto. Hi Midst. Welcome!

This is a very, very fine club.

I am wondering how Dad is. Dad, are you around? How are you?

 

[Dad34]

Hi Copa, yes I’m still here most every day. I’m okay, but have been struggling with being estranged from my daughter. It’s easy to dwell on my mistakes in the past as I try to guess exactly why she won’t respond to my occasional Facebook messages to her (the only way I know how to reach her). Is it my fault? Is it her addictions? Something else? All of the above? People tell me I tend to overthink, and that may be true here. I saw that Beta was able to communicate with her son in Phoenix, the impressive effort she made to do so, and I’m happy for her (though sad it didn’t turn out better…at least in the short term… maybe it will be good in the end, who knows ). But it makes me sad for my own situation, and causes me to consider how, if, or when I should try contacting her again. I don’t even know what to say to her anymore. Anyway, I keep busy and have much to be grateful for in my life too, so I try to focus on that. Thanks for asking! How are you?

Midst, welcome to the forum and I encourage you to stay and keep posting. I admire you and your husband’s devotion to your grandchildren, and I’m praying for you and for them.

 

[Copabanana]

my Great grandson looks out his bedroom window every morning and says "mommy's car is not here". "where's mommy" and lately..."mommy died".

ksm. This is heartbreaking.

It’s easy to dwell on my mistakes in the past as I try to guess

Dad, I don't know what to say here. You know this is self-flagellation. You're human. Can you forgive yourself for that?

t makes me sad for my own situation, and causes me to consider how, if, or when I should try contacting her again. I don’t even know what to say to her anymore.

I used to take the train to meet my son in the large metro where he is homeless most of the time. Never one time did he meet me where or when he said he would. At best I would buy myself a glass of wine and have a sandwich. Six hours back and forth. Then I caught a clue. My son lives as he chooses. Period. I am not obligated to go out of my way to stay connected. Especially if he is unpleasant.

Lately, he and I have been talking about this. (Fast forward 4 or 5 years) At first, he tried expressing anger at me. Kind of self-pitying anger. Such as, "I've burnt my bridges and you don't love me anymore." I replied, "I do love you but I find the way you live and sometimes the way you treat me, to be very hard to bear." In the latest phone call, he said something like this, "One of us is going to die at some point, don't you ever want to see each other?" I replied, "You bring up a good point. That you don't get treatment for your liver is one example of how you live being hurtful to me. In the same phone call he said, "Can I sleep in the garage?" I said, "no. That is what I mean. to me, people sleep in beds in bedrooms. They don't sleep in yards or laundry rooms or garages or on the street. It is uncomfortable for me, and it makes me sad and upset to have to deal with behavior that is so contrary to my values and expectations."

I don't know if I am right or wrong, but I will tell you it feels way better to get responsibility outside of myself. It is okay in my book to not want to be around another adult who lives in a disordered way. I can hold that value and I can hold that boundary. It has nothing to do with love.

I do not think it's wrong to stand up for ourselves. I don't think we need to throw ourselves on our swords. You did not make your daughter an addict. It is some combination of predisposition, vulnerability, chance, and choice. Another way to put it is this is her life path. And the meaning of her life is to respond in the very best way she can to her circumstances and dig her way out of it to move forward to have a productive life and be a loving person. There is free choice.

Today a woman I know told me her 55-year-old son who has been an alcoholic since he was 10 years old stopped drinking. A lifelong atheist (my patient is a devout catholic) he told his Mom, I decided I didn't want to drink anymore and I asked G-d to help me. I am turning to G-d for help. Miracles _happen. But often parents of adults, need to get out of the way.

If you feel the need to do penance, it's between you and G-d. It has nothing to do with your daughter. I say that with love in my heart.