difficult child is missing---update found!

[DDD]

Of course I am glad that she is alive and safe. on the other hand I hope you can figure out a way to detach even more from her choices before it takes a toll on your health. I find myself getting angry at your difficult child which obviously is not beneficial for anyone.
Hugs. DDD

 

[Signorina]

I am glad she is ok.

And I am simpatico with your feelings about her being on vacation. My difficult child was on vacation last week. He was a guest of his girlfriend's family-but it still was a loss of a week's wages plus added entertainment expenses -which he can ill afford- plus he was away over my birthday which hurt. (A LOT)

The fact that they can't or won't connect the dots between prioritizing work over play frustrates me to no end.

 

[pinevalley]

I'm glad that she is not hurt or worse. You have every right to be very angry with her. I am angry at her for how she treats you and h, and I don't even know her. HUGS...

 

[Kathy813]

This is my first week back to school so I haven't been as active on the board and just saw this! I would like to strangle your difficult child but I am glad she is okay.

Does she still have her job? Didn't she just start this job? I doubt they would let her take time off so soon.

DDD is right, though. This shows you that you to figure out how to detach even more. Maybe it is time to let her get her own cell phone plan so you can't see her emails or lack of emails. Her antics are eating you up inside while she is having the time of her life.

{{{Hugs}}}

~Kathy

 

[Nancy]

Yes this is a new job and I'm sure they didn't give her the time off so either she is calling in sick or she quit or was fired. I was doing really well, not checking anything. And I did not check until last night when husband asked if I heard from her because she was suppose to be back yesterday morning. So when I checked the cell records that's when I discovered she hadn't been on in two days and then I checked her cell phone. If she hadn't lied and told husband she would be gone a few days we wouldn't have thought anything.

I texted her and told her that it was not fair of her to make us all worry and not get any sleep and if something had happened to her we wouldn't even know how to get help to her.

I haven't been to a support meeting in three weks because of my trip and this surgery so I'm hoping to get to one Friday night. Once again I am reminded that she doesn't care about anyone but herself.

Nancy

 

[AmericanGirl]

Sweet Nancy,

She doesn't even care about herself right now. Its the nature of the disease.

But many care about you. I know it s harder because of your foot...happy to see you are going to a meeting.

One day a time....

 

[jinger]

Nancy...This is Jinger (Penta). She will do what she will do. The worst fear is always in the back of our minds....but we have to live. Since she is an adult, it seems it would be good to get her off your cell plan and for you to defriend her on facebook. You don't need to know what she is doing every day. If there is ever an emergency, you will know soon enough.

I'm glad you have a meeting scheduled and hope you are feeling better soon.

 

[Calamity Jane]

You know, on paper, it looks like difficult child is having a blast and we should be wishing we had fun like she does. It's not like she's miserable, lonely, or feeling any consequences at all! I just don't get it, I really don't.

 

[AmericanGirl]

CJ...i think their consciouses are either missing or buried under substances. That's the only thing that makes sense to me.

I think their brains have to be rewired completely. That's why treatment fails so often. One wire outta place...systm failure.

Couple that with frontal cortexes which aren't fully mature and other areas whic stopped maturing when substances started....mix in an assortment of idiotic "friends"/addicts.

 

[pasajes4]

She is 20. She does not live at home, right? She does not have to tell you where she is or who she is with. If you are paying any of her bills, stop. If she has a car you paid for, take it back. If she is in trouble with the law, do not bail her out, or get her a lawyer.

Believe me she is getting a huge kick out of you sitting at home wringing your hands. Her life is truly her own now. It is time for you to live yours. The umbilical cord was cut 20 years ago and believe it or not everything they have done from that point on was their decision. If they did what you wanted or behaved the way you wanted them to, it was their decision to do it.

 

[Signorina]

Pas-I am hoping you did not intend for your post to read quite so harshly. I know it seems like detaching should be black & white-the practice of it is so many shades of gray.

Let me explain from my own point of view

My son's umbilical cut was cut 20 years ago. But I didn't leave him to fend for himself then and while my son may be fending for himself now- I am just as concerned for his well being as I was on the day he was born.

When your kid is addicted to drugs- they are playing russian roulette. Every time they click the safety on the "gun" we hold our breath wondering if it will go off. We know we can't wrest it from their hands, we know we can't take away their bullets, we know we can't control the outcome.

But we also know that one day that gun WILL go off. We wring our hands hoping the "bullet" doesn't hit them or an innocent bystander. We pray that it grazes them or scares them enough to make them go straight. Yet, we know that there's a real chance that their behavior will kill them and that we're powerless to stop it. So when they disappear-we wonder- "is this IT?"

If you read our posts you know that we are praying for our kids & each other's kids to hit bottom. We're HAPPY when our kids get arrested. How screwed up is that?? Seriously! Most parents are praying for their kids to get into a good college or make the football team and we're praying that our kid go to jail-at least overnight. Sad -but also our best bet for separating out kids from the people, substances and lifestyle that is putting their lives at risk.

I can't speak for Nancy or anyone but myself, but I think most of us are doing the same things. We're practicing Tough Love- our kids are out of the house, we're not caving in, we are showing them our bravest, toughest, most detached face. We have kicked them out when we REALLY want to lock them in their rooms. We have released them into the risky lifestyle they decided they want.

But privately-here in this soft place- and in the safety of other parents who "get it"- we wring our hands and we worry about the adult, at-risk children we love. We struggle here while we are resolute in real life.

No criticism meant or implied. Just trying to explain how it's possible to physically and practically detach while at the same time privately ache. It's such a paradox!

 

[pasajes4]

I currently have one of these kids and I also have one that used to be a druggie and a huge difficult child now easy child. I never stopped caring about him or the one I have. I am not trying to be harsh. I know first hand how hard and heart breaking it is to see our kids go through this. I was thrilled when mine got jail time and at the same time it hurt like hell. I also learned first hand after my oldest son became clean, sober and responsible how my emotional investment which drove how i responded to him actually was as enabling as handing him money or bailing him out. I used to hawk him after he moved out and was legally an "adult" it only hurt me more and changed nothing. The day I stopped and started taking care of me was the day that things started changing with him. he did not have my emotional garbage to fuel his need to do whatever (read drug use among other things) to escape his perceived notion that I wanted to run his life.

 

[exhausted]

Dear Nancy-I am sorry I am late on this thread too much going on. I just want to say that worrying is normal and it is what mom brains were designed to do. That you have worked hard on detatching with love. You are double worried because your difficult child is so immature and has mental issues as well. We do not stop the worry and the hopes just because we stop other enabling behaviors. Everything comes in stages. Your difficult child is just out doing what she wants-it isn't directed at you or even that she doesn't care. Her brain is wacked for all the reasons that AG said. Narcosism is so great a part of the disease and it is also something that can characterize mental issues.

I am glad you share here. I need to share here as well as I learn in stages to be a better mom to my addict and mentally ill child. Shades of grey are everywhere. Tough love is preached as the best sollution for addicts and yet books I read about Borderline (BPD) say it only backfires and makes things worse.(So where is the answer?) That they are truelly anguished and disabled by their brains makes it hard to dump them out so easily. They try to self-sooth by using, being risky, anything that shuts their "crazzies" off. The answer is blowing in the wind. Noone has an answer and each person and family travels at their own pace. We live in the "mystery" and we live day to day.

I hope she is back and working and I pray for her and each" board child" every night. I ask my higher power to bless each mom here. ((Hugs))

 

[Ephchap]

Nancy, OMG, I'm so glad she's safe. Of course, now I want to choke her along with you and the other board members, lol. Yes, I understand that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach when you have no idea where they are, or if they are dead or alive, and pacing all night (sometimes for several nights). I've been there. I have also been there when our whole family was sick with worry, and meanwhile, difficult child was out having a good ol time, with not a care in the world. Arghhhh.

Such is the life of a parent of a difficult child addict. Signorina, you hit the nail on the head with so much of what you wrote. Sometimes I prayed my son would end up in jail, only because that would mean he was safe.

Sending hugs your way, Nancy.
Deb

 

[Nancy]

Thanks everyone, your words mean so much to me and Sig you were able to say exactly what I was feeling so well. I do get on with my life. I have friends and activities and I am not sitting at home checking up on her or worrying but this was put in front of my face, I didn't go looking for what she was doing. I realize better than anyone that she is 21 and will do what she is going to do and she loves the fact that she doesn't have to answer to anyone. If she had been honest with husband and told him she would be gone a few days we would not have thought anything of it. But when she said she would be back that night and then wasn't and worse she had no phone activity and we didn't know who she was with or where she was and the last thing she told husband was that she was going out on the lake and it was almost dark by then and her pictures showed they had several cases of beer and she wouldn't answer our texts, well I'm not sure there was anyway to detach from that. I just wanted to know she was alive.

I know that we are the only ones who understand the agony of not knowing where our difficult child is, there was no one else I could turn to who would understand the panic. Unfortunately our worries are often very real, we have seen what happens to addicts. What she did was normal behavior for a easy child, but difficult child's activities can turn tragic in an instant.

Nancy