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Difficult child with possible Borderline (BPD)/self harm
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember1" data-source="post: 750219" data-attributes="member: 23706"><p>Hi. Well, been there and tried to fix her life and now she is 33 and no better plus helpless and not nice to us either. The mentally ill only get better if they want help and seek it out. We don't help them by pitying them, although I have been there too. It does not help either to treat them like invalids. They get better if treated as if they CAN, not by acting as if they are damaged and frail. I did this. I am very sorry for it.</p><p></p><p>I am still in Al Anon and therapy and my husband and I, the worlds biggest enablers, finally learned that there is nothing we can do to save our daughter. Nothing. Nada. It is a hard pill to swallow, but nobody can help, fix or change another person. Only the person herself can do it. It took us a decade of trying to see this and to truly stop trying and to give our beloved daughter to God.</p><p></p><p>My daughter is a cutter. How much shej cuts we don't know for sure nor do you. Tjey hide it and lie unless they know it scares us and they want to use it for pity and favors. I think my daugjter is borderline bit it is impossible for us to diagnose. It is hard even for doctors to diagnose right. There are no blood tests, just guessing. I dont care about my daughter's diagnosis. I just wish she would get help.but wr can't force this. They need to want to change and to initiate help on their own.</p><p></p><p>My daughter smokes pot as a healtjy plant,h words, that cures everything from anxiety to cancer. That is her only help. Her disturbed husband is like her and they feed off one another, fighting physically at times in frohnt of my doomed and beloved grandson. I can't help. CPS told me he is not abused by their standards. The bar for removing a child is very high. Medical pot is legal in their state and smoking it around him is not bad enough.. Not vaccinating him is not illegal nor is homeschooling with no credentials. He is fed and not beaten up. That's thle bar. Even though the cops have been out for her husband choking h her once and the baby saw and cps never tried to do anything about it. i i worry about him. I can't do anything. And if Kay knew I called CPS she would never let me see him to check on him. They isolate him</p><p> I have to be careful. There are no grandparent rights on her state (or most)..</p><p></p><p>My daughter is very angry at us for no longer paying her bills. We are punished with silence but are now too broke to help out. We gave her most of our retirement. My two other kids are very upset and protective of us. They don't care for their sister and ignore her and she doesn't like them either.</p><p></p><p>Kay was adopted very young from another country and.plays that up. We don't love her, her words, because of this. It is true that she.looks very different from us (she is.pretty, we are just plain.), is not like us in personality and ambition and she says she doesnt belong. Yet we spent more time, love and attention on her than.the other kids and THEY feel hurt by this. We loved her and still do to the moon. We just gave her to God because helping her made her angry, helpless and worse. And helping didn't help. She wanted money, not therapy or any other help. And she spent any money on pot. Still does. What she does not do is work or clean or cook.</p><p></p><p>From my experience my best suggestions are to back off and stop trying to find solutions. She has to do these things. She probably won't take your suggestions and may hate you for them and punish you with venom. Let God handle her. You can't.</p><p></p><p>Love to you. Be well. If you pray, keep praying. Go back to Al Anon. Are you sure she doesn't use any drugs? Pot and alcohol count.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember1, post: 750219, member: 23706"] Hi. Well, been there and tried to fix her life and now she is 33 and no better plus helpless and not nice to us either. The mentally ill only get better if they want help and seek it out. We don't help them by pitying them, although I have been there too. It does not help either to treat them like invalids. They get better if treated as if they CAN, not by acting as if they are damaged and frail. I did this. I am very sorry for it. I am still in Al Anon and therapy and my husband and I, the worlds biggest enablers, finally learned that there is nothing we can do to save our daughter. Nothing. Nada. It is a hard pill to swallow, but nobody can help, fix or change another person. Only the person herself can do it. It took us a decade of trying to see this and to truly stop trying and to give our beloved daughter to God. My daughter is a cutter. How much shej cuts we don't know for sure nor do you. Tjey hide it and lie unless they know it scares us and they want to use it for pity and favors. I think my daugjter is borderline bit it is impossible for us to diagnose. It is hard even for doctors to diagnose right. There are no blood tests, just guessing. I dont care about my daughter's diagnosis. I just wish she would get help.but wr can't force this. They need to want to change and to initiate help on their own. My daughter smokes pot as a healtjy plant,h words, that cures everything from anxiety to cancer. That is her only help. Her disturbed husband is like her and they feed off one another, fighting physically at times in frohnt of my doomed and beloved grandson. I can't help. CPS told me he is not abused by their standards. The bar for removing a child is very high. Medical pot is legal in their state and smoking it around him is not bad enough.. Not vaccinating him is not illegal nor is homeschooling with no credentials. He is fed and not beaten up. That's thle bar. Even though the cops have been out for her husband choking h her once and the baby saw and cps never tried to do anything about it. i i worry about him. I can't do anything. And if Kay knew I called CPS she would never let me see him to check on him. They isolate him I have to be careful. There are no grandparent rights on her state (or most).. My daughter is very angry at us for no longer paying her bills. We are punished with silence but are now too broke to help out. We gave her most of our retirement. My two other kids are very upset and protective of us. They don't care for their sister and ignore her and she doesn't like them either. Kay was adopted very young from another country and.plays that up. We don't love her, her words, because of this. It is true that she.looks very different from us (she is.pretty, we are just plain.), is not like us in personality and ambition and she says she doesnt belong. Yet we spent more time, love and attention on her than.the other kids and THEY feel hurt by this. We loved her and still do to the moon. We just gave her to God because helping her made her angry, helpless and worse. And helping didn't help. She wanted money, not therapy or any other help. And she spent any money on pot. Still does. What she does not do is work or clean or cook. From my experience my best suggestions are to back off and stop trying to find solutions. She has to do these things. She probably won't take your suggestions and may hate you for them and punish you with venom. Let God handle her. You can't. Love to you. Be well. If you pray, keep praying. Go back to Al Anon. Are you sure she doesn't use any drugs? Pot and alcohol count. [/QUOTE]
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