the type of relationship I want is to not be the rescuer and keeper of his well being.
What you write here could be the manifesto of this forum.
Let me write a few words about how I think about this from my own perspective.
First I will say: how can this not be the principal goal we hold? It was pointed out to me recently that the BIBLE no less urges young adults to move apart from their families, to separate, to go their own. To make their own lives. And multiply. Or something like that. And do it far away, at that. In Genesis.
I cannot remember exactly the passage but my first thought, is this: my mother and my son, must have not read this part. Well, actually, they have not read any part.
So, here we are: the bible underscores detachment parenting. And I truly get how many mothers before me, billions, lived this reality. Except that cold, harsh reality impelled these mothers to push out and away their children. My maternal great-grandparents, each has 12 to 15 children.
Mothers had to have food for the little ones. The big kids had to step up. In M's family there were 12 kids, I think. M was out working by age 5 and left home at 13. That was pretty much the case for my grandparents, too.
What I am saying here is that our society I think encourages a long childhood--to keep the number of people in the labor force, for one--and to support the technical, advanced training that workers require in a high-tech society.
But our own kids somehow do not get the message. They get the part of encouraging long childhoods, but do not get the part about eventual independence.
At this point in my life, I have to acknowledge that I must have created at least some of the pre-conditions for this attitude and expectation by my son.
So, recognizing, I cannot change him, I can only change myself.
My son last night spent his first night in a space we own away from here--my own house where I live. Can you believe my own house felt empty? I missed him. Despite the stress and constant hassle, I had grown use to his presence at the other end of the house.
This is not normal. I am not normal. I have to accept that.
M said this morning:
I think J smoked marijuana with the kids next door. I could tell by the way he looked.
What can we do? What can I do, I asked.
Nothing. When it comes time for the drug test, and he fails, he leaves.
We have set everything up so that he can take care of himself and be productive. He will pay only utilities. No other costs. We are fixing the place up, nice.
What in the world can I do if he does not want for himself? How many kids on this forum might appreciate their own house, rent free, to begin again? So that there own efforts go solely into their welfare?
Actually, not many. Because people's lives are made by their own efforts. The bible says so. Mothers can try to give them a boost up--and with many kids, this works. A defining characteristic of our own children, the difficult ones, is that it does not work--trying to help them. Instead they grab what we give them, and like my Yorkshire Terrier Romy, runs away with the morsel in his mouth, and only returns to grab more.
We do this for ourselves, so that we can once again push them away, as we need to do.
I do not doubt that my son wants an easier and better life. But he wants his own life, not the one imposed by his mother. I will have to send him away.
I know this. But even I realize there is not one bit of choice I have in the manner. Every. single. thing I am doing is to build up the strength in myself to do what I have to do.
Those mothers 120 years ago--had to do right off, what they had to do. There were 8 or 10 more kids, clamoring for the food. For us, with enough food, it is harder. But we must. As if our lives depend on it. Because they do.
