Difficulties with grown up daughter. Advice please.

[pushover76]

i have a grown daughter, that moved out and moved in to where my mother is living with a family friend. She didn't have to pay rent with me and had her own room and freedom but because my father in law smoked cigars in his house, she left and went to my mom and her friend's where now, she has to pay rent. Well, about a year ago, I made her start paying her car note on the car that I was driving and gave to her because she needed a car. Well, now, she is not helping with car insurance and I recently started asking her to and she stated that she can't afford it and it doesn't help that she is spending way too much on her daughter's first Christmas. I don't make a lot of money and I have 3 other kids that are all younger than her. She decided to message me to ask what I got for her daughter for Christmas and I told her that I couldn't afford to buy anyone gifts and then she goes on to call me a liar because, my mom, her nana, that she now lives with, told her so. Well, when I asked about the car insurance, she told me that she couldn't afford it, well neither can I. I pay child support to my ex-husband, which comes out of my check before I even get it. So, my question is, since she was 12 and finally met her deadbeat father and went and moved in with him after false allegations that I abused her(case was later closed) and so while she was with her father, my mom and her father filled her head and now any time I hear from her, its because she wants something. I had to have surgery in February and she told me that before she would come to hospital that I had to apologize to my mom, her nana, because I was in the emergency room all alone and in pain and ended getting admitted and having surgery the next day due to it. My question, is our relationship just dead and should I quit allowing her to control me? I know that she will have all that she needs with her nana, my mother, who bad mouths me to everyone? Any advice or help would be so deeply appreciated? TIA!

 

[BusynMember]

Well, you didn't say how old she is, but sounds like you shouldn't be paying for anything for her. She is I assume over 18 and doesn't sound as if she is even trying to be self sufficient. From what you wrote, she sounds entitled and spoiled and perhaps mean too if you don't dance when she tells you to.

What are you getting from the relationship? Nobody can tell you what to do with your daughter but you do have other kids who will see her as an example of an adult in the family. You have to do what is best for you. If she is only nice to you if you pay her bills then her ability to love is questionable. Her love has a price tag? Does she do loving things for you?

I always suggest therapy for those struggling with hard issues. Therapy, working with a neutral third party who is not emotionally involved in the family, helped keep me strong. And taught me to love and take care of me and to be happy and grateful for my blessings. I have three awesome kids and one who will forever challenge me and is sometimes not nice to me and others
But my three others are better than amazing as is my husband.

You have other loved ones too.

You don't need to put up with anyone abusing you, not even an adult child. Until she is kind, nobody will blame you (at least not here) if you choose to go low contact. Think over what YOU want to do...you matter as much as your adult daughter does.

My advice on letting her control you is to NEVER let anyone control you. Anyone. Ever. Then you are a slave. Why would you want that?

Hugs and be well.

 

[Albatross]

I had to have surgery in February and she told me that before she would come to hospital that I had to apologize to my mom, her nana, because I was in the emergency room all alone and in pain and ended getting admitted and having surgery the next day due to it. My question, is our relationship just dead and should I quit allowing her to control me?

I ditto what SWOT said. If you only hear from her when she wants something, that is not good. If she makes demands on you when you are in the emergency room, that is also not good. But is here is a middle ground between the relationship being dead and her not controlling you? Maybe it doesn't have to be one or the other. For example, if you can't pay the car insurance, what would happen if you gave her notice that you will no longer pay it as of X date? What would happen if you told her that her nana and you have very different versions of the truth and you won't be defending yourself against nana's accusations?

 

[ksm]

First...is the car and insurance in your name? If the car is in your name, take it back until she can pay for the insurance... It is a liability that you can't afford to have, if she wrecked it and you could be responsible. If it's paid for, sign the title over to her, and make sure the insurance is not also in your name. Cancel the policy and let her figure it out.

Good luck... KSM