Last ♡ Hope
New Member
Seriously, there are times when I am *this* close to putting him in foster care because I am just *so* done. I am absolutely serious. Like I don't even care what kind of people they stick him with because I am just that desperate to have my normal life back. Desperate for my other kids to have a good and happy life for ONCE. To be able to do things as a family for ONCE. This is how I walk around feeling when he's at his worst, and it can be a day or it can be a month, but as long as he's exploding - this is my frame of mind. And it feels really, really ****thank you. I'm not proud of it, but when your child beats the **** out of you, and you can't do much about it because really, you could hurt him, and your baby and your ten year old are bawling because they're scared for their mama, you just want to be done. You don't want to try more medications. You don't want try a new technique or approach. You just want difficult child to leave.
And then the exploding recedes for awhile. He's cuddly and never misses an opportunity to say 'Love you mommy!'. And you feel the resentment slowwwwly fade, and you start to notice you are able to laugh again, to relax a little. You notice that difficult child is actually really adorable, smart and funny. You feel hope start to sprout a little bit. You watch out the window as difficult child and 10 year old easy child play nicely together outside for an hour straight - a *miracle*! You watch them rough house like normal boys do, and when difficult child accidently hurts easy child, he quickly and sincerely apologizes and they go back to playing nicely - another miracle! You wake up and chirp 'Good Morning!' to everyone as you flip their light on and start the day. You are actually able to give difficult child real, heartfelt hugs and goodnight kisses. The whole world feels lighter, sweeter!
Slowly but surely, the worm turns again... he's angry from sun up to sun down. Everything sets him off. Nothing is right, everything is wrong. YOU are wrong. Everything you do is wrong, not enough, not right, stupid. YOU are stupid. Eventually you aren't just stupid, you're a f**ing b****, he hates you, he's going to stab you, cut your head off, etc. etc. blah blah blah. Eventually saying 'no' to his increasingly selfish, unreasonable demands is going to get you a fat lip or a bloody nose or if you don't pull over, a car accident. And eventually your easy child is going to have to race upstairs with your baby while you try to de-escalate difficult child again. And you are right back to 'I just don't want to do this anymore - I don't want someone to take him for the day, or the weekend, I just want him to leave. I want to take my normal children and live a normal life without him poisoning it, and I want to move and change all our names.'
Until a day or a week or a month later when sweet peace returns...
Am I horrible? I do love him, it's just so unbelievably hard to remember sometimes...
And then the exploding recedes for awhile. He's cuddly and never misses an opportunity to say 'Love you mommy!'. And you feel the resentment slowwwwly fade, and you start to notice you are able to laugh again, to relax a little. You notice that difficult child is actually really adorable, smart and funny. You feel hope start to sprout a little bit. You watch out the window as difficult child and 10 year old easy child play nicely together outside for an hour straight - a *miracle*! You watch them rough house like normal boys do, and when difficult child accidently hurts easy child, he quickly and sincerely apologizes and they go back to playing nicely - another miracle! You wake up and chirp 'Good Morning!' to everyone as you flip their light on and start the day. You are actually able to give difficult child real, heartfelt hugs and goodnight kisses. The whole world feels lighter, sweeter!
Slowly but surely, the worm turns again... he's angry from sun up to sun down. Everything sets him off. Nothing is right, everything is wrong. YOU are wrong. Everything you do is wrong, not enough, not right, stupid. YOU are stupid. Eventually you aren't just stupid, you're a f**ing b****, he hates you, he's going to stab you, cut your head off, etc. etc. blah blah blah. Eventually saying 'no' to his increasingly selfish, unreasonable demands is going to get you a fat lip or a bloody nose or if you don't pull over, a car accident. And eventually your easy child is going to have to race upstairs with your baby while you try to de-escalate difficult child again. And you are right back to 'I just don't want to do this anymore - I don't want someone to take him for the day, or the weekend, I just want him to leave. I want to take my normal children and live a normal life without him poisoning it, and I want to move and change all our names.'
Until a day or a week or a month later when sweet peace returns...
Am I horrible? I do love him, it's just so unbelievably hard to remember sometimes...