Roxanne@74
New Member
Hello and Happy New Year to all of you, fellow parents of difficult adult children. I found this forum on accident, but I am so glad I did! After reading so many stories posted by parents who hurt, my heart goes out to each and every one of you.
My abusive husband and I divorced over 20 years ago. I had to make my escape when husband was out of state, otherwise, he would not have allowed me to leave with our son, who was still very young (he held him hostage during arguments, so I figured as much). So, I had my 18 months old in my arms when I entered shelter for battered women. I had no friends - my ex made paid them to testify in court on his behalf (some friends, huh), no family and nobody to turn to. I was afraid to leave the shelter for the first couple of weeks because I fully expected my ex-marine husband to shoot me on the street. I won't bore you with the details, but we went through the system and came out on the other side about 9-12 months later. I went to school and upon graduation started a job for only 10.50/hour 45 minutes away. That was a year of 2002 and post 9/11. Fast forward 4 years, I bought my own house because I wanted a normal life and more than anything, I wanted to give my son a home. My divorce lawyer called me a survivor.
My son had all he needed. I made sure of that. I was a computer tech and I liked to have the latest and greatest in information technology, so I bought him expensive electronics. My ex and I divorced on December 13th, 2001 - my personal independence day and the day when I was no longer bound by any ties to that man. I wanted my son to still have a father figuring that if our marriage didn't work out, doesn't mean my son should never know his dad. Against my attorney's advise, I gave my ex 50% custody of our son. Long story short, he screwed himself out of that custody and after a several long years of legal battle and surviving as a single mother living on a single income, I was granted a full custody of our son. When my son turned 12, he wanted to go live with his father (that is the age where child can decide for himself) and because he thought I was too demanding or whatever, he decided to move out. He spent total of 4-5 years living with dad. Dad was easy on him - no chores, no demands. Make your own sandwich. So, he spent all his free time playing video games (shocker, right?) Until one day (fast forward to 2016) I get a call that my son got expelled from school. He has always been a very sharp kid. His kindergarten teacher even suggested to test him as gifted and talented. But despite of his talents, he didn't do too well in school. So, at some point and with-o consulting with me, his dad decided to take our son to the doctor for presumed depression. As a result, my teenage son was prescribed antidepressants that made him lethargic, so he slept in class, Short while later he was expelled for failing school. Of course, I dropped everything, went and extracted him from that situation and brought him home with me. Loved him, took care of him... About a year later, he threw a fit when I told him straight up about his entitled unappreciative and abusive behavior and he stormed out. He was 17 and still in High School. So, back to his dad he went (he played us against each other growing up - that's for sure). Then another year later he decided he wanted to move back to Denver metro (his dad lives on the ranch 2.5 hours drive and too far away from the city). I again, for the 3rd time took him in. Saying it was a struggle to get him finish high school, it would be saying nothing at all, but between the school principal whom I will forever be grateful and myself, my son graduated with HS diploma in 2018. He worked a few jobs delivering pizza, bartending, etc. until Covid hit and the restaurant he worked out gone out of business. Once again, wanting to provide a home for my son, I bought a 2 bedroom/2 bath condo where we moved in March of 2020. It was a struggle to deal with one another in close quarters during Covid (I worked from home and supported us). When Covid was over, my son was still playing easy child games all day and all night, (he'd sleep during the day and play all night), no job, not going to school, but by then he was already 22. I struggled. Though, now with Masters degree and a 6 digit salary working for one of the most reputable engineering and construction companies in the country, 2 bedroom condo in a highly sought after neighborhood of Denver metro, I was stuck with this overgrown man child, who was no help in any sense of that word. After much struggle, back and forth, he joined the Army and I couldn't be more proud. He did really well (being as smart as he is, he scored high enough on ASVAB to get into intel). Today, he is 24 and is serving in the Army reserves. He came back from advanced training in June. It is December and yes, you guessed it, he still lives with me and not doing much for himself or to help around the house or with the bills. He barely gets by on his military pay (one weekend a month) to pay his bills, he abuses his body and mind by not taking care of himself and he talks back when I try to explain that he is not a child anymore and he needs to have responsibilities if he wants to continue to stay with me.
He is 6'2'' smart, attractive, distinguished Army PFC. He says he wants to go to school to commission and make military his lifelong career, but he doesn't shower but 2-3 times a month, doesn't brush his teeth, doesn't exercise (it's a miracle he passed his AFT), refuses to help around the house, plays easy child games with his friends (he is very social) all night and sleeps all day and HE MOUTHES OFF TO ME. He ignores me when I try to tell him he has to get a job (even part time) to be able to buy his own groceries. I said I will teach him how to cook. He applied at a couple of places (he is very picky) and when he wasn't hired, I guess he decided he is not going to get a job after all and continue to live on his military pay. Here I am this many years later and age almost 50, still in the same predicament having a young buck living at home useless as can be and disrespectful. Inflation is the highest it's been in 40 years, Colorado living is beyond unaffordable, so this kid taking advantage of his mother acting as if he has a choice? I tolerated his behavior for such a long time and folks, I just have no more to give. I feel like an empty well. Last Tuesday I came home to a pile of dishes (he attempted to cook) and all the groceries I brought home 3 days prior is eaten. I had a meltdown. I told him that I am tired of his abuse and him using me for a place to stay. I said he had 2 weeks to figure our his living arrangements and move the hell out!!! When he realized I wasn't joking, he decided he wasn't going to wait 2 weeks and left the house. I don't know where he spent the night, but the next morning, he came home (figured that I'd be at work, but I worked from home that day), grabbed some stuff and left with-o saying a word. I haven't heard from him sense. Just for the record, when he left the house, he was wearing the sneakers I bought when he had no money, the vintage shirt (I bought him for X-mas) - you can't find those in stores anymore and he really wanted it, pair military utility pants (I bought 2 pair 80 bucks a pop), coat I bought for him while back. He drove away in the 20K Subaru I gifted to him when he needed a reliable transportation after his dad's Ford Fiesta kept breaking down on him. So, yes, I am sorry that I blew up, I mishandled the situation, but what the heck do you do when your grown child doesn't want to listen to you when you try to set some boundaries, expectations that are ignored? I never wanted to kick him out of the house - he is all I have, but folks, I feel relived nevertheless. I guess I reached my breaking point, but I also know I raised him right (he doesn't drink, smoke or do drugs) and with his military training, he will be ok. Hopefully, being on his own and maybe sleeping on his friend's couch somewhere, eventually will make him realize how good he had it living with mom. Until then, I need a serious break from him. He owes me 3K which I don't want back. I told him to use that money to get himself situated while he is getting a reality check and a major attitude adjustment.
My abusive husband and I divorced over 20 years ago. I had to make my escape when husband was out of state, otherwise, he would not have allowed me to leave with our son, who was still very young (he held him hostage during arguments, so I figured as much). So, I had my 18 months old in my arms when I entered shelter for battered women. I had no friends - my ex made paid them to testify in court on his behalf (some friends, huh), no family and nobody to turn to. I was afraid to leave the shelter for the first couple of weeks because I fully expected my ex-marine husband to shoot me on the street. I won't bore you with the details, but we went through the system and came out on the other side about 9-12 months later. I went to school and upon graduation started a job for only 10.50/hour 45 minutes away. That was a year of 2002 and post 9/11. Fast forward 4 years, I bought my own house because I wanted a normal life and more than anything, I wanted to give my son a home. My divorce lawyer called me a survivor.
My son had all he needed. I made sure of that. I was a computer tech and I liked to have the latest and greatest in information technology, so I bought him expensive electronics. My ex and I divorced on December 13th, 2001 - my personal independence day and the day when I was no longer bound by any ties to that man. I wanted my son to still have a father figuring that if our marriage didn't work out, doesn't mean my son should never know his dad. Against my attorney's advise, I gave my ex 50% custody of our son. Long story short, he screwed himself out of that custody and after a several long years of legal battle and surviving as a single mother living on a single income, I was granted a full custody of our son. When my son turned 12, he wanted to go live with his father (that is the age where child can decide for himself) and because he thought I was too demanding or whatever, he decided to move out. He spent total of 4-5 years living with dad. Dad was easy on him - no chores, no demands. Make your own sandwich. So, he spent all his free time playing video games (shocker, right?) Until one day (fast forward to 2016) I get a call that my son got expelled from school. He has always been a very sharp kid. His kindergarten teacher even suggested to test him as gifted and talented. But despite of his talents, he didn't do too well in school. So, at some point and with-o consulting with me, his dad decided to take our son to the doctor for presumed depression. As a result, my teenage son was prescribed antidepressants that made him lethargic, so he slept in class, Short while later he was expelled for failing school. Of course, I dropped everything, went and extracted him from that situation and brought him home with me. Loved him, took care of him... About a year later, he threw a fit when I told him straight up about his entitled unappreciative and abusive behavior and he stormed out. He was 17 and still in High School. So, back to his dad he went (he played us against each other growing up - that's for sure). Then another year later he decided he wanted to move back to Denver metro (his dad lives on the ranch 2.5 hours drive and too far away from the city). I again, for the 3rd time took him in. Saying it was a struggle to get him finish high school, it would be saying nothing at all, but between the school principal whom I will forever be grateful and myself, my son graduated with HS diploma in 2018. He worked a few jobs delivering pizza, bartending, etc. until Covid hit and the restaurant he worked out gone out of business. Once again, wanting to provide a home for my son, I bought a 2 bedroom/2 bath condo where we moved in March of 2020. It was a struggle to deal with one another in close quarters during Covid (I worked from home and supported us). When Covid was over, my son was still playing easy child games all day and all night, (he'd sleep during the day and play all night), no job, not going to school, but by then he was already 22. I struggled. Though, now with Masters degree and a 6 digit salary working for one of the most reputable engineering and construction companies in the country, 2 bedroom condo in a highly sought after neighborhood of Denver metro, I was stuck with this overgrown man child, who was no help in any sense of that word. After much struggle, back and forth, he joined the Army and I couldn't be more proud. He did really well (being as smart as he is, he scored high enough on ASVAB to get into intel). Today, he is 24 and is serving in the Army reserves. He came back from advanced training in June. It is December and yes, you guessed it, he still lives with me and not doing much for himself or to help around the house or with the bills. He barely gets by on his military pay (one weekend a month) to pay his bills, he abuses his body and mind by not taking care of himself and he talks back when I try to explain that he is not a child anymore and he needs to have responsibilities if he wants to continue to stay with me.
He is 6'2'' smart, attractive, distinguished Army PFC. He says he wants to go to school to commission and make military his lifelong career, but he doesn't shower but 2-3 times a month, doesn't brush his teeth, doesn't exercise (it's a miracle he passed his AFT), refuses to help around the house, plays easy child games with his friends (he is very social) all night and sleeps all day and HE MOUTHES OFF TO ME. He ignores me when I try to tell him he has to get a job (even part time) to be able to buy his own groceries. I said I will teach him how to cook. He applied at a couple of places (he is very picky) and when he wasn't hired, I guess he decided he is not going to get a job after all and continue to live on his military pay. Here I am this many years later and age almost 50, still in the same predicament having a young buck living at home useless as can be and disrespectful. Inflation is the highest it's been in 40 years, Colorado living is beyond unaffordable, so this kid taking advantage of his mother acting as if he has a choice? I tolerated his behavior for such a long time and folks, I just have no more to give. I feel like an empty well. Last Tuesday I came home to a pile of dishes (he attempted to cook) and all the groceries I brought home 3 days prior is eaten. I had a meltdown. I told him that I am tired of his abuse and him using me for a place to stay. I said he had 2 weeks to figure our his living arrangements and move the hell out!!! When he realized I wasn't joking, he decided he wasn't going to wait 2 weeks and left the house. I don't know where he spent the night, but the next morning, he came home (figured that I'd be at work, but I worked from home that day), grabbed some stuff and left with-o saying a word. I haven't heard from him sense. Just for the record, when he left the house, he was wearing the sneakers I bought when he had no money, the vintage shirt (I bought him for X-mas) - you can't find those in stores anymore and he really wanted it, pair military utility pants (I bought 2 pair 80 bucks a pop), coat I bought for him while back. He drove away in the 20K Subaru I gifted to him when he needed a reliable transportation after his dad's Ford Fiesta kept breaking down on him. So, yes, I am sorry that I blew up, I mishandled the situation, but what the heck do you do when your grown child doesn't want to listen to you when you try to set some boundaries, expectations that are ignored? I never wanted to kick him out of the house - he is all I have, but folks, I feel relived nevertheless. I guess I reached my breaking point, but I also know I raised him right (he doesn't drink, smoke or do drugs) and with his military training, he will be ok. Hopefully, being on his own and maybe sleeping on his friend's couch somewhere, eventually will make him realize how good he had it living with mom. Until then, I need a serious break from him. He owes me 3K which I don't want back. I told him to use that money to get himself situated while he is getting a reality check and a major attitude adjustment.
. I would truly have a meltdown over that. I don’t know how you have tolerated that since he came back from the military.
