travelingmom
New Member
I'll try and keep this fairly concise. (well I tried but it's a book, I'm hoping someone with take the time to read it 
I have four sons, one of them is a challenge, very more difficult than the other three.
My difficult child started becoming difficult at about age 3. He wasn't a difficult baby, and he has had a solid upbringing with two parents who have been with him consistently, and have shown him lots of love.
Here are his main issues:
1. constantly annoys me and/or brothers. (Sometimes Dad)
2. Does not do anything I ask of him, without a fight. (and I mean anything)
3. Falling down a lot and hard on his body (falling into things, throwing his body on the ground)
4. When being disciplined, or playing with brothers he will scream like he is being physically harmed, but he is not. Trying to get others in trouble. Or he will throw his body as if someone just did it to him, when no one did, again trying to get other's in trouble.
5. Encopresis, (sorry on the spelliing-he holds his poop) I give him a cap full of laxative and that has helped, but sometimes we forget, start finding poop pellets around the house, and tell him to go. (He now goes without much of a fight--much better than the past!!) He does get coins for this. He also was using wet wipes and has now moved to regular toilet paper, so that is good! Now we are working on not coming out of the bathroom until it's all done. He habitually comes out and bends over to ask if he is totally clean.
6. Smart mouth, and talk back.
7. If problem escalates it ends in my physically moving him to his room, all the while him screaming, going limp or trying to get away. Then I hold the door shut while he screams and kicks the door. This only happens once a month now, so VERY better then the once a day episodes we were dealing with.
At School:
1. He teacher says he is very kind to her, and very respectful.
2. He has friends.
3. He does well in reading (above average), math and spelling.
4. No one believes me when I say he is very difficult at home.
5. Teacher says he is EXTREMELY quiet, and she has to go close to him to hear what he wants to say (he is very loud and talks back at home)
6. She also says he takes a long time to do his work and has a hard time staying focused. So our little chant with him in the mornings is, "Stay fast and focused today!!)
Does anyone else have a child who is awful at home but not at school??
Our journey so far:
Finally convinced myself and husband we had to do something to help him when he was about 6, no longer believing his behaviors were just "phases" or being the third he was feeling left out. We rode that for a long time and made sure he knew he was a part of everything, I think it helped a little.
Started going to psychologist, who spent most of the hour helping me with my parenting skills. Which was very helpful. Went to him for about 4 months. he spoke with my son alone for about 10 min each session. He begged me to bring my husband, and although my husband conceded to have me take him somewhere he absolutely refused to go with us. Hurt me very much, but he was adamant. He refused to tell me why, the only thing I can go on is that he thinks that he can parent his child on his own and doesn't need help. He was very happy I was going though, because he feels I need a lot of help learning to deal with difficult child. I get angry very quickly, and do need help. This psychiatric did help me, still not there, but better than I was 10 months ago. Just wasn't sure that he had a whole lot more to give after those several months.
Then went to his pediatrician to ask for help, he referred me to a behaviorist. Had to wait 6 months to see her. In the mean time I started seeing another psychologist. My memory isn't the best, and I can't remember why we switched exactly. I suppose I wanted to get a second opinion. The second guy said right away that my son has anxiety and fears. (he is afraid of the weather, and being alone) He gave my son some great skills, that we still refer to. Self talk yourself out of having temper tantrums, and getting angry. And when he was on a "yellow light" he had to choose either green or red, and which one would he choose. These are great and they work, but being consistent has been a challenge. End of December he said he thought my son would be fine and didn't need to see him anymore. (I should mention when we were at our initial appointment with him, we talked about ALL of son's problems while son was in the room. I spoke about his pooping issues, and my son curled up into a fetal position in my lap, he was so mortified. I felt so bad for him. I'm not sure if that was the best thing to do, but I am/was desperate to help my family so I put all my trust into these trained professionals, and hope we are doing the right thing.
1st appoint with behaviorist felt promising, although I still wan't sure what she did or how she was going to help us. She asked son series of questions, he passed with "school stuff" questions with flying colors. He said he didn't have chores, and other brothers did. Which is in deed true, just no energy on my end to get him to clean, it's such a challenge. Son left the room to play. She ridiculed me to not giving him chores, and I understand what she was saying but just felt like crying. She gave me three surveys. One for my husband to fill out, one for me, and one for his teacher. Last Monday I went back to get the results from analyzing the survey. So based on the survey questions my husband and I placed him in the ODD category. The teacher placed him in the ADHD category. The Dr. said since he was not placed consistently in any of the categories he most likely wasn't any of them. She can't help me beyond that, which I was disappointed as I was hoping she was going to help him with his behavior, being a behaviorist, and my pediatrician recommended her. But I think she is just looking for ADHD kids and that it. She just said make sure he has at least one chore to do and build from there. And she recommended going back to the psychiatric. And telling him exactly what we need to work on.
So here we are. I feel like there are so many options of who to go to now, what the diagnosis could/would/should be, what method I should use to help, etc. etc. I just don't know what to do. part of me thinks we just go back to just dealing with it the best we can. It's a difficult existence but I just don't know if what the psychologists were doing was helping immensely. Maybe I have too high of expectations for the results. Maybe we see a psychiatrist and that will prove more helpful? Any thoughts? Isn't there someone out there that sits down and works with HIM for an hour? I'm not trying to pass the buck, I want to do my part.
Another part of this that is difficult is my husband has decided that he should take over more, which is actually wonderful and I really appreciate someone I can pass it over to when I'm at my wits end. But he isn't home very much, so my son and I get into good rhythms sometimes, and I feel proud when we are in a good place. But when my husband is home he lifts his hand up in the air, this is an indication for me to be silent, he is going to take over. It is so frustrating, that he doesn't see the steps I've made to be more patient with our son and I can handle the situation, even when he is there. But he just nit picks every word and consequence I give. he doesn't think I do as good of a job as he does. He does have a better relationship with my son, but he also lets a lot of things slide with him as well. For example today when we got home I told all the kids to get all the stuff out of the car before they went into the house, so the car was tidy. Everyone did, except my son (like always) did not follow the simple instruction, and left his coat in the car. So when I noticed I went back into the house and asked him to go get it and bring it in. Immediately my husband is looking at me like he is annoyed and I should just let it go, it's not a big deal. (I didn't let it go, to me it's a simple life skill that he needs to learn. he was so angry that I made him go back out there and was yelling, but he did it) The behaviorist said our disagreeing is only allowing my son to get away with more things. Which I'm sure he sees/hears us disagree so this is true.
Then one other random thought, I was hoping someone can chime in on.
I sometimes wonder if the fact that I found out about some extremely difficult news when I was pregnant with this child at about 6 months would have made some sort of effect on his brain? I was severely depressed (not medicated, and still got up and did stuff because I'm an A type and anything else wasn't an option, but just totally dead inside and didn't share my difficult news with anyone or deal with it)??? The 1st psychiatric. said no, but I still wonder, since all my other kids are do-able and that's the only real difference I can remember, when we was in-utero/infant.
I'm sorry this is SO long. Thanks for letting me type down all this. I've been reading some of the other posts, and it's clear my sons issues are very minor to some of you and may seem trivial. But I'd appreciate any insight to any of it. I'm pretty upset by the latest info, mainly because I still don't know what really to do for him. Prayers to those who are suffering on this board. I hope you can find the answers and peace you seek for your children and loved ones.
I have four sons, one of them is a challenge, very more difficult than the other three. My difficult child started becoming difficult at about age 3. He wasn't a difficult baby, and he has had a solid upbringing with two parents who have been with him consistently, and have shown him lots of love.
Here are his main issues:
1. constantly annoys me and/or brothers. (Sometimes Dad)
2. Does not do anything I ask of him, without a fight. (and I mean anything)
3. Falling down a lot and hard on his body (falling into things, throwing his body on the ground)
4. When being disciplined, or playing with brothers he will scream like he is being physically harmed, but he is not. Trying to get others in trouble. Or he will throw his body as if someone just did it to him, when no one did, again trying to get other's in trouble.
5. Encopresis, (sorry on the spelliing-he holds his poop) I give him a cap full of laxative and that has helped, but sometimes we forget, start finding poop pellets around the house, and tell him to go. (He now goes without much of a fight--much better than the past!!) He does get coins for this. He also was using wet wipes and has now moved to regular toilet paper, so that is good! Now we are working on not coming out of the bathroom until it's all done. He habitually comes out and bends over to ask if he is totally clean.
6. Smart mouth, and talk back.
7. If problem escalates it ends in my physically moving him to his room, all the while him screaming, going limp or trying to get away. Then I hold the door shut while he screams and kicks the door. This only happens once a month now, so VERY better then the once a day episodes we were dealing with.
At School:
1. He teacher says he is very kind to her, and very respectful.
2. He has friends.
3. He does well in reading (above average), math and spelling.
4. No one believes me when I say he is very difficult at home.
5. Teacher says he is EXTREMELY quiet, and she has to go close to him to hear what he wants to say (he is very loud and talks back at home)
6. She also says he takes a long time to do his work and has a hard time staying focused. So our little chant with him in the mornings is, "Stay fast and focused today!!)
Does anyone else have a child who is awful at home but not at school??
Our journey so far:
Finally convinced myself and husband we had to do something to help him when he was about 6, no longer believing his behaviors were just "phases" or being the third he was feeling left out. We rode that for a long time and made sure he knew he was a part of everything, I think it helped a little.
Started going to psychologist, who spent most of the hour helping me with my parenting skills. Which was very helpful. Went to him for about 4 months. he spoke with my son alone for about 10 min each session. He begged me to bring my husband, and although my husband conceded to have me take him somewhere he absolutely refused to go with us. Hurt me very much, but he was adamant. He refused to tell me why, the only thing I can go on is that he thinks that he can parent his child on his own and doesn't need help. He was very happy I was going though, because he feels I need a lot of help learning to deal with difficult child. I get angry very quickly, and do need help. This psychiatric did help me, still not there, but better than I was 10 months ago. Just wasn't sure that he had a whole lot more to give after those several months.
Then went to his pediatrician to ask for help, he referred me to a behaviorist. Had to wait 6 months to see her. In the mean time I started seeing another psychologist. My memory isn't the best, and I can't remember why we switched exactly. I suppose I wanted to get a second opinion. The second guy said right away that my son has anxiety and fears. (he is afraid of the weather, and being alone) He gave my son some great skills, that we still refer to. Self talk yourself out of having temper tantrums, and getting angry. And when he was on a "yellow light" he had to choose either green or red, and which one would he choose. These are great and they work, but being consistent has been a challenge. End of December he said he thought my son would be fine and didn't need to see him anymore. (I should mention when we were at our initial appointment with him, we talked about ALL of son's problems while son was in the room. I spoke about his pooping issues, and my son curled up into a fetal position in my lap, he was so mortified. I felt so bad for him. I'm not sure if that was the best thing to do, but I am/was desperate to help my family so I put all my trust into these trained professionals, and hope we are doing the right thing.
1st appoint with behaviorist felt promising, although I still wan't sure what she did or how she was going to help us. She asked son series of questions, he passed with "school stuff" questions with flying colors. He said he didn't have chores, and other brothers did. Which is in deed true, just no energy on my end to get him to clean, it's such a challenge. Son left the room to play. She ridiculed me to not giving him chores, and I understand what she was saying but just felt like crying. She gave me three surveys. One for my husband to fill out, one for me, and one for his teacher. Last Monday I went back to get the results from analyzing the survey. So based on the survey questions my husband and I placed him in the ODD category. The teacher placed him in the ADHD category. The Dr. said since he was not placed consistently in any of the categories he most likely wasn't any of them. She can't help me beyond that, which I was disappointed as I was hoping she was going to help him with his behavior, being a behaviorist, and my pediatrician recommended her. But I think she is just looking for ADHD kids and that it. She just said make sure he has at least one chore to do and build from there. And she recommended going back to the psychiatric. And telling him exactly what we need to work on.
So here we are. I feel like there are so many options of who to go to now, what the diagnosis could/would/should be, what method I should use to help, etc. etc. I just don't know what to do. part of me thinks we just go back to just dealing with it the best we can. It's a difficult existence but I just don't know if what the psychologists were doing was helping immensely. Maybe I have too high of expectations for the results. Maybe we see a psychiatrist and that will prove more helpful? Any thoughts? Isn't there someone out there that sits down and works with HIM for an hour? I'm not trying to pass the buck, I want to do my part.
Another part of this that is difficult is my husband has decided that he should take over more, which is actually wonderful and I really appreciate someone I can pass it over to when I'm at my wits end. But he isn't home very much, so my son and I get into good rhythms sometimes, and I feel proud when we are in a good place. But when my husband is home he lifts his hand up in the air, this is an indication for me to be silent, he is going to take over. It is so frustrating, that he doesn't see the steps I've made to be more patient with our son and I can handle the situation, even when he is there. But he just nit picks every word and consequence I give. he doesn't think I do as good of a job as he does. He does have a better relationship with my son, but he also lets a lot of things slide with him as well. For example today when we got home I told all the kids to get all the stuff out of the car before they went into the house, so the car was tidy. Everyone did, except my son (like always) did not follow the simple instruction, and left his coat in the car. So when I noticed I went back into the house and asked him to go get it and bring it in. Immediately my husband is looking at me like he is annoyed and I should just let it go, it's not a big deal. (I didn't let it go, to me it's a simple life skill that he needs to learn. he was so angry that I made him go back out there and was yelling, but he did it) The behaviorist said our disagreeing is only allowing my son to get away with more things. Which I'm sure he sees/hears us disagree so this is true.
Then one other random thought, I was hoping someone can chime in on.
I sometimes wonder if the fact that I found out about some extremely difficult news when I was pregnant with this child at about 6 months would have made some sort of effect on his brain? I was severely depressed (not medicated, and still got up and did stuff because I'm an A type and anything else wasn't an option, but just totally dead inside and didn't share my difficult news with anyone or deal with it)??? The 1st psychiatric. said no, but I still wonder, since all my other kids are do-able and that's the only real difference I can remember, when we was in-utero/infant.
I'm sorry this is SO long. Thanks for letting me type down all this. I've been reading some of the other posts, and it's clear my sons issues are very minor to some of you and may seem trivial. But I'd appreciate any insight to any of it. I'm pretty upset by the latest info, mainly because I still don't know what really to do for him. Prayers to those who are suffering on this board. I hope you can find the answers and peace you seek for your children and loved ones.
