emotional affairs

[Marguerite]

I'm with Lisa on this one, in terms of "the other woman". I, too, was thinking that your boyfriend has been manipulated BIG TIME by M. She has plenty of reasons to move on from her divorce and her husband's remarriage, but she's getting more ego-stroking from your boyfriend.

He's a rescuer. You can't change this in him. Chances are, it's a big factor in what drew you two together. Therefore, much as you insist on having his complete and undivided attention, you're never going to have it. But his complete and undivided love - yes, quite likely you can have that, with surety.

With men who are basically loving, caring people, you CAN'T successfully dictate who they can talk to, who they're permitted to help and who they can be friends with. You just can't. If you try, you're going against their basic nature. If you force the issue, they will be forced to lie to you, to continue to be true to themselves. And once he begins to lie to you it means he can't discuss it with you. This is the beginning of a widening wedge between you. far better to have honesty, even if you're not happy about what he says. Never get angry with him for telling you truth. The more he can talk about this with you, the more you know about what M is trying to do. Who was it who said, "Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer"? Bear this in mind, especially now.

I believe in NEVER, EVER giving ultimatums. I've seen too many backfire badly. It also puts one partner on top and the other subordinate - not healthy.

However, you have a genuine problem here. I strongly suspect boyfriend doesn't know it, but M has her eye on him and is trying to get her claws in. Even if all she wants from him is emotional feedback, she doesn't seem to care about damaging his relationship with you in the process. Therefore, she is NOT being a good friend to him. From what you say of him, he has probably told her that you aren't happy with contact between you. This is probably music to her ears. Of course, if you asked him he would tell you she was upset for him, upset to have to stop their talks which are SO helpful to her, she has nowhere else to turn (because she's been thrown out everywhere else?) and she probably even got tearful on the phone. So how can a guy like that be firm under those circumstances? So she asks to meet face to face. He thinks, there's nothing in it, we're just old friends. And to him, that's all it is. But because you've put the restriction on it ("Do not contact her ever again, if you want to be with me") he feels constrained to lie to you about it. After all, he's probably rationalising that it's harmless. In his eyes, there's nothing in it. And as I said before, it's the beginning of a widening gulf, caused by the ultimatum. If you hadn't forbidden it (and he's not a child, to be forbidden) then he could have/would have talked to you about it, maybe even asked your advice on how to advise her.

But he's a total innocent, in someone else's gunsights.

I've seen this scenario. I've even lived it, early in our relationship. And the best way to handle it - make her YOUR problem too. Let boyfriend go see her - and you go too, sitting there in the café holding his hand and patting hers. Make it clear that you are supporting boyfriend in his quest to help her. Be available. Be VERY available. You and boyfriend are a team, you do everything together, you go everywhere together. You love each other so much that his problems are your problems too. His interests are your interests. When she rings up - ask to talk to her as well. Make her your friend. Because if she is your friend, how can she hurt you? And the more she sees you and boyfriend as an item, the more she will have her nose rubbed in it that your boyfriend is no longer available, thank you.

Another way to handle it - and this may be easier for you - sit and talk to him about what HER needs are. Explain to him that M IS holding a torch for him (women do know these things) and is waiting for him to no longer be involved with you. Also explain that this clearly is a pattern with her. She is NOT being a good friend to him if she's encouraging him to lie, just so he can make HER feel better by meeting with her. This is selfish and self-serving of her to be doing this (and doesn't augur well for a future healthy relationship). If he protests that she isn't like that, point out once again that women DO understand women, even if men don't.

He wants to be a helper but he to learn that on the way, he must not be an enabler. And right now, if he continues contact with her, he is an enabler. But he can't see this unless you can help him see this.

And also, at some level - it is very comforting for him, at some subliminal level, to have you and M both wanting his undivided attention. Very ego-boosting.

You CAN have what you want in him, if you do it right. Ultimatums - not right. And they will not get you what you want. You can't know if your ultimatum has worked, if you've trained him to lie to you.

The best outcome and the best revenge for you is for her to realise that you have won.

I know my husband is going to be reading this, and possibly wondering who, in his past, I could be talking about. There were two I can think of, both from after we were engaged but before we married. One (I believed back then and still believe; he didn't) was actively trying to steal him. The other just had high hopes. For both, it was seeing us together, very much together, that encouraged them to try their luck elsewhere. And there were others that he never even noticed. But I could see. Sometimes at a public event I'd be standing back, watching some desperate woman making a play for him and him not seeing it; and then calmly I'd move over and stake my claim, smiling sweetly as the other woman sheather her claws. Very satisfying. I never act jealous - it serves absolutely no purpose. Instead, I act the winner. The day that he prefers someone else is the day he can leave. There is no point my hanging on to someone who wants to be somewhere else. But in the meantime - he's got MY undivided attention.

Feel sorry for M. She has nobody and no understanding of how to have a healthy, normal relationship. She needs to be needy and broken and therefore, cannot heal while this is allowed to continue.
Do not feel threatened by M. (or at least, do not show you feel threatened by her). Instead, explain to boyfriend how his ongoing support without you involved is not helping M in any way; it's not helping her move on and grow. The sooner M leaves boyfriend alone by HER choice, the sooner she can find her own boyfriend.

I leave you with one final question to ask boyfriend to think about - how many other male friends is M doing this to? If boyfriend cannot come to the phone, who does M ring next? I guarantee, there are others. And she lives in hope that one of them will soon become available.

I know too many Ms. It's not always your man they want, but continuing to allow them to make contact when they refuse to grow and change - it's pointless. At least by working this out and cutting off contact you are no longer the enabler. Or in this case, boyfriend is no longer the enabler. M has the emotional equivalent of Munchhausen's Syndrome.

Good luck with this one. From a Christian perspective, he has to encourage her to move on or he prevents her healing. (not that she will accept this from anybody).

Marg

 

[BusynMember]

Janet, for what it's worth, i don't think it's immature or wrong at all to expect a committed relationship NOT to include friends of the opposite sex that the other person sees alone. I will copy and paste my response to Amy, when I'm done with my speel...lol. Frankly, it has never crossed my mind to have friendships with other men that didn't include my hub right there with me. The potential for attraction to spark and for stuff we don't expect or plan on or want to happen is too great. Do we all look at other people of the opposite sex? SURE!!!! Ask me who I think is a hottie on GREYS ANATOMY or my soap operas :smile: I'll give you a laundry list. These are "safe" men who I wlil never meet. That kind of cute guy who lives next door (hypothetical) is another issue. He's available and right near me. I think women are great fun and all my close friends are women. I have no male friends that aren't their husbands, and we share the friendships. Here is my answer to Amy, and a real life experience that evolved from my best friend's innocent friendship with a male:
Below is my post to Amy:
Like to add my closest friend started out having just a friendship with a man. The attraction wasn't there at first, but it grew. They ended up sneaking around (not having sex, but everything but) for TEN years and her husband never knew. Because it is so easy for a spark to fly when you're friends with somebody of the opposite sex, I always avoided it and expected my hubs ( had two...lol) to also avoid it. Both of them agreed--it was not even an issue we had to talk about. Although I divorced hub 1, it had nothing to do with cheating. I do think it's risky. I think there are plenty of cool people of our own sex to hang with. JMO
_________________________

 

[Allan-Matlem]

Hi,
I am sorry about the situation , I hope it is only a bump in the road and things will move in the right direction. You are right about the ultimatum ,if boyfriend thinks he has you in his pocket , he is free to do what he pleases. Every one here has introduced different perspectives and in the end each of us has to weigh up the pluses and minuses to stay in a relationship. I think it is important to see the big picture of a person. Often an incident , no matter how bad can cloud our vision. From your posts , boyfriend seems a positive personality.

Here is a short story , I don't know if it is relevant here
There was a kind king whom the people loved and his tyrant chief of staff = whom the people hated and were terrified of him. They decided to change roles , the king began to terrorize and the chief of staff became compassionate and kind. What did the people say ?


The said the chief of staff was not so bad after all and the king was really not kind.

Sending prayers in your direction for healing of the relationship.

Allan

 

[Sunlight]

thanks all for your kind words and insight. just to clarify a couple points:

boyfriend and I have both sex friends. males and females who email us from time to time from our group. we interact with them all equally. one might email both of us and back and forth. we do not get jealous of one another talking to or emailing other people. we all went to this supoprt grp over the past few yrs and from time to time would befriend this or that person and then it would fade off once the person was feeling better and moved on. of the group only two couples were formed, ours and one other couple the other singles have moved on to other places.

the problem is this particular woman is secret to him. she never moved on. I do not know her at all. when he first told me she emailed, he said he was helping her get thru tough times. after three yrs I noticed how protective he was of her emails. they have emailed almost 5 yrs. he would not give it up. I offered to meet her with him. he said no.
I told him he is holding her back from finding someone who can be with her. I reminded him how cruel it can be because he cannot truly be there for her because we live together. he said he thought he could help her. it became a thorn in my side when the secrecy moved to the phone calls then to this inperson visit.

we each have our own homes. boyfriend and I do not maintain each others' houses cars or bills. he has his house up for sale to move in here but so far we spend time at each house. we each are on our own all day at work or whatever and meet up for dinner and the night.

when I met boyfriend he rescued two other women before I dated him, after his marriage ended. one he slept with. she broke it off the minute he said he loved her after a two month relationship. the other one he tried to help but she rejected him and moved out of state. I know them both and at the time, did not know boyfriend well and in fact was glad he was finding someone to be with as he seemed lost.

during his marriage...in its final days while they were about to divorce...he renewed a relationship with an old high school pal in need and it began a one yr affair while he still lived with his wife. the wife did not know of the contact between he and this woman. it ended when he refused to leave his wife for her. the wife subsequently was on her way out with a man she met during the marriage.

so naturally I am thinking boyfriend's tendency to be helpful gets him deeper in than he needs to be. my expectations of him or anyone else are to be truthful and open. period. otherwise they can hit the road and deceive other people not me.

I refuse to snoop around or play games with him. it is very clear that I will not tolerate him getting his heart involved with other women. that will only lead to trouble. we can surely talk to M together, but he said NO when I first found out about the planned get together. he said I did not know her enough to talk about things with her.

even still, I wonder if he really did cut it off and when you bring things to surface, just like drug addiction..sometimes it only makes the person go underground and hide it more. I gave him a choice not an ultimatum. he knows where I stand and what will break up our relationship. this is so true:

"the bottom line from where I sit boyfriend lied about staying in contact with her even after promising you to cut all ties. You have made it clear that you are not okay with this relationship, HOWEVER, he has continued inspite of that. To me, his having contact with her is/was more important than you and your feelings. "


I told him I need to matter. after all, if he told me something was bothering him, I would NOT do it. boyfriend has a weakness when it comes to women. Lies and secret meetings, not being concerned about how I would feel about it, proceeding with the escalation from email to phone to meeting...all very bad signs.

In my mind, I give the relationship with him a month-I will perhaps ask him then if things are still the same and he has not contacted her or she him. if he disappoints me, I cannot allow myself to continue to put my heart and soul into a man who is untrustworthy. been there done that

 

[wakeupcall]

You sound worried, a bit scared, sad, but absolutely in control. Good for you. We all do what we have to do. I'm glad you are so strong.

 

[hearts and roses]

I have to respectfully disagree slightly with the thoughts on this being about the other woman getting HER ego stroked. The other woman's actions are based solely in her own insecurities, lack of relationship success, and possible need for attention. boyfriend's actions are based in his own insecurities, his need to be needed, to be the hero, the savior, if you will. It happens all the time. Men like to be heros pretty much across the board. Most men fulfill this need through thier family, relationship with thier wife/SO or children. Others don't and the reality is, there are more than enough stragglers and leeches out there looking for someone to be thier hero - boyfriend is it for this other woman.

I see it in my own H as well. When we first got together, I was newly divorced with two very young daughter's. I was struggling emotionally, financially, etc. H was my hero - he was my cowboy. He was there for me constantly in every way that my exh was not and should have been. Eventually, and not without much communication, our relationship matured and we moved to an even playing field (turns out I saved him as well in many ways!).

Anyway, flash forward a few years and one of our neighbors is a single mom with an adorable little boy, whose first word was my H's name. Everytime I came out to the garage, there was this woman and her son, she regaling my H's capabilities at some task or another - ugh, it was downright nauseating - telling me how H was teaching her son to use a hammer or something. One day, I noticed that this woman had a dress similar to one I owned. Then I noticed that she also had the same sandals, eventually, the same jacket, and then jewelry. When I asked H to cool it, he would say how sorry he felt for her and the boy, being alone and not having a dad, etc. Finally, I had to point it out to H that he's a serial rescuer! At first, he couldn't, wouldn't, believe it, but after a few days of some major discussion, he saw it too. He has been in that situation again but now he catches himself. He is most vulnerable when our lives become hectic and so full that we forget to make time to nurture our own relationship, to appreciate one another, etc. This is very much about ego stroking, but more on the side of the rescuer, not so much the one seeking it, in my opinion.

antsmom, you're doing the right thing. Give him time, DO talk about his need to be needed and look at your own relationship a little more closely - has it become routine, rote in any way? Perhaps it needs a shot of B-12? If your boyfriend is a rescuer, then he needs to be aware of it and be on notice for future run-ins with needy women. And your putting into place boundaries that suit YOUR needs is perfectly acceptable and right. Someone said above that we all enter into relationships with our own expectations and baggage - that's very true and it's okay if one of your expectations is different from another's. It belongs to you and you have a right to your own comfort level.

 

[Fran]

Janet, I wouldn't presume to know your relationship with boyfriend. I guess if I were in your shoes, I would weigh all the good he brings to your life and put it against the negative. He hasn't betrayed you as much as made you feel left out of a portion of his life.
Weighing the good and the bad will probably give you an indication of which direction to go.
I must say that all adults let down their spouse in some way or another over the course of a lifetime. It's a matter of degree.

Feeling left out is a pretty powerful situation that brings up a lot of fears in most people. It's the same old "I'm not good enough" that starts with girls in Jr. High. At this point you are good enough and you can hold your own. It's a matter of trust,giving(his and yours), support and understanding that will see if you two are meshing for a lifetime or not. These issues of disappointment between what we expect and what he expects that will go on throughout a relationship. Some boundaries can't be crossed. We all have different boundaries. I don't think anyone has the same.

I can't say what to do or not but I decided long ago that I wasn't going to divorce husband for one of his most annoying tendencies because he was a wonderful friend,lover,partner and dad. I was going to live with it and not become a nag. He weighed on the pro side so much that his negatives didn't warrent my disdain.
Walking away shouldn't be the first step in repairing something that is good at it's basis.
Now my situation didn't have anything to do with trust so I don't know if one has anything to do with your situation. It was an light bulb moment in my newly married life that it doesn't have to be all or nothing. There is room for compromise or acceptance that this is the way he is.

No one really teaches us how to be a life partner. It's a lot of observing, trial and error and morphing into a couple. If the core is healthy, happy and well meaning then the outside can be worked on.

Believe me Janet I don't know what makes other relationships tick. I can only go from learning on my own. I did not have good role models but I looked at them and knew what not to do. I found my own way to love someone over the long term even when not always loveable.

 

[DDD]

Fran, I think you nailed the topic response. No functional couple can be conjoined. We have to remain the individuals we
were for the first 20, 30, 40+ years before our marriage and then
meld over the future years into a couple by choice. The needs
of the male and female evolve with the passage of time and the
changing of circumstances. If the partner is worth keeping then
professional caring counseling might be well worth the time and
investment. DDD

 

[Sunlight]

I do not mind him having his own time and friends. point is the lying, and him sending her the romantic email inviting her to call. given his history...it makes me uncomfortable. I did not feel left out of their meeting. I felt it was inappropriate to have them meet the way they did and the follow up email from him to her was over the top.

on paper he would be 98 percent good and two percent unacceptable. however if he continues to lie or meet women to rescue and romance...the two percent bad will outweigh any good he is. he would shatter my trust and hope in him.

someone else could be also 98 percent wonderful and their two percent could be drug use, verbal abuse, they go to bars at night, or some other thing. all those things I would not accept either. I guess we all can put up with different stuff. cheating and lying totally violate my boundaries. I will never overlook those tendencies and cannot respect that.


time will tell.

 

[Fran]

Janet, there are many here who stuck it out with a mate who had an addiction or a daliance or whatever boundary that was crossed. Not all but many. They weighed the plus and minus and worked on it. It was their choice, Of course, there had to be an effort to improve. The loss of that person or the giving up on the relationship wasn't the right move for them at that time. Would they walk into a marriage or long term committment knowing what they know? Probably not. All I was saying is that if he has apologized and agreed to not involve himself with another woman romantically then what joy he has brought you in the last 3 yrs can adapt and continue to grow.

If he has a cheating heart then nothing you do or say or he can say will make that change and you will be happy to be rid of him.

All I offered was a different viewpoint. I assumed that when you posted your story that you wanted different opinions and experiences, so that you could make the best decision for yourself.

 

[Sunlight]

I do appreciate all viewpoints and feel very inadequate in the relationship world. I think it scared me to the point that I am thinking of stepping back into the safe zone of being alone.

because boyfriend and I have no other issues and a very loving three years history..he is worth waiting it out a bit.

I think I fear I will overstay or be deceived and stupid. I want to trust he meant what he said.

thanks all for the input. I just want to have someone I can truly believe in for a change.

 

[rejectedmom]

Janet, much has been written on the subject of emotional affairs. People have different views and opinions. Personally, I do not like them because they rob relationships of intimacy that should be reserved for the SO only. These are affairs of the heart without the sex. They are intimate and sharing on every level other than the physical. They are detrimental to relationships and often lead to way more than just friendship.

On the other hand I have no problem with other sex friends. That is very different. I have no problem with husband dancing with other women from our group. No problem with him helping them with their coats or getting them a drink for the bar and such.
BUT there limits. While this is one issue you are facing there is another one that isn't quite as debatable.

Boundries are present in all friendships but I do think that for other sex friendships, where the friends are in committed relationships with other people, the boundries need to be a bit more rigid. You were uncomfortable with this woman's pull on your boyfriend. You were open and honest about it and you expected him to be the same.

As I see it this is not so much about your boyfriend having a female friend as it is about his maintaining a questionable relationship with another woman and lying about it to you...not once but twice. Then once confrounted with his lies he did not openly end the relationship.

He lied and now he expects you to trust what he says about cutting it off. It really isn't realistic. How will you know if you do not ever follow up? It is a dilemma.

Once trust is broken it is hard to regain. It is something that only time and repeated trustful acts can restore.

You have to decide what your deal breakers are. Deal brakers are different for every indivitual.

I think you refered me to this site a while back. Maybe you need to take a look again?

Marriagebuilders.com

There is a questionaire there that things like:
What are your emotional needs? Are they being met? Can you accept it if they are not? What are your deal breakers?

I am so sorry you are hurting. -RM

 

[hearthope]

Janet~

He broke YOUR trust.
He said he broke it off and turned around to meet her.

You aren't being stupid and you are not staying too long...

You are letting him know that you care enough to stay, you are willing to work it out

But the ball is in his court. He must show you that HE cares enough to stay and that he is willing to work it out.

In all respect to all the other post
in my humble opinion the only way for him to do that is to contact her with you present and let you hear\see that she is told goodbye.

This really has nothing to do with friends of the opposite sex, this is your boyfriend of three yrs telling you one thing in regards to this woman and doing something else.

It would be the same if it was another issue

~a lie is a lie is a lie~

 

[dreamer]

I am sorry you have this issue threatening your relationship.
I know for me I tell my kids all the time if they have a dating type relationship, they cannot dictate who their partner sees or talks to etc cuz you do not own another person. I personally also do not let my kids think a partner can be "stolen" away short of aggressive physical "kidnapping"
But I know and understand thats just my personal belief system. I know not everyone else shares that perspective.
Something that it seems to me that might have changed in the years since I married is that--------- wel- homosexuality is more out in the open, now. Becuz of that sometimes I wondr if that means we have to be hyperalert to same sex relationships, too?
Maybe you offered your boyfriend a choice, but it may be a choice he does not want or does not agree with and maybe he feels like youbacked him into a corner (I think someone already said this, sorry)
Due to extreme abuses in past relationships, I was very slow to trust. Once I did take the gamble to trust my now husband, I do not know how I would react or respond if I felt the trust being threatened. - altho I guess for me it will never be an issue anymore since he has not left the house in years and years.
I will say I do meet old friends, even a man I was once engaged to for coffee......he is married and so am I and we pore over pics of our kids and funny little tales of our lives. BUT I never ever even try to hide that I see him, have taken my kids with, he gave my easy child an 18 wheel truck driving lesson once........
If my husband ever told me I could NOT see that person, we might have a very serious problem. If my husband told me I had to make a choice, we would have a very serious problem.
My husband and my family had a terrible history and we were estranged from my family partly cuz of that- but when my mom was ill, I did not lie, I did not ask, BUT I did go to my mom. I left my husband home and fully expected him to step up to the plate without him feeling like I "chose" mom over him- mostly becuz I am who I am, I do what I have to do, and I love and like who I love and like. He was not happy with my absence, and he was not happy left on his own with our children, but he knew me, he knew I was doing what I had to be doing to be true to who I am and he also knew that was a part of me that drew him to me.........so whether he liked it or not, he had to honor it and respect it.
I take care of people. BUT no, I will not lie about it and no, it is not up for discussion. My husband who I adore and love to no end can accept me doing what I need to do or he can pout. Or if he wants to throw away our 23 years, well.......if thats what he wants to do, but I have to be who I am. and he knew that before we married.

 

[Sunlight]

marriagebuilders.com is one of my fav sites to read. one of the places I went to when I realized what was happening. the deal breaker for me is lying, making decisions irregardless of my feelings.

I still do not trust him that he ended it. he should have let me hear him end it. he says she has not contacted him any further.

I do not feel the same about him anymore. I do trust that God revealed this info to me so I could be more aware and bring it to the surface. now that he knows and said he took care of it, I have no choice but to go on with him or leave. For now I will go on with him, but my heart is different towards him. I am mad at him that he brought this trouble to our otherwise wonderful relationship.

 

[rejectedmom]

Janet, I am glad you are actively dealing with these issues and not buryng them. You are truly examining your situation and relationship from every angle. that is the best thing you can do for yourself. I will support you whatever you decide the outcome will be. I think you are very wise to not make any hasty decisions. (((HUGS))) -RM

 

[ScentofCedar]

I would do the same. Only I think you might try to look at this month as a time of preparation for who you will become as you progress beyond this time.

And maybe, let this month be a time to cherish what you and boyfriend did have, once.

The thing is, it really has nothing to do with boyfriend or the other woman.

It has to do with you, and with who you feel you are becoming through this relationship.

If boyfriend can no longer bring you feelings of joy and peace and possibility, if the laughter has become forced and you are continually second-guessing yourself, perhaps it is time you moved on into a relationship where those things are yours for the sharing.

There really is no reason to settle for less than that.

We are talking about your life, here.

I agree that you sound stronger, Janet.

Know that I wish you well.

Barbara

 

[BeckyW]

Janet,
I have followed this post and I understand where you are coming from. My heart goes out to you.
It is really hard to have a relationship with someone/anyone when your past relationships have put you through the gamut of lying, cheating, etc.
The only advice I can offer is try not to judge this man by previous relationships. I'm not saying put blinders on, by any means--- but do give him a chance to prove himself.
I agree that the ending of his communication with this other woman should have been in your presence in an effort on HIS part to rebuild trust and show sincerity. He is the one who messed up-HE needs to be the one trying extra hard to rebuild the trust.
I think a month may be too short a time to overcome the broken trust issue unless you just do not feel any better at all about the issues at the end of the month.
Sending hugs for your hurting heart.

 

[VLong]

Janet,

I am so sorry that you are going thru this and just wanted to send support.

After reading all of the posts, the one thing that keeps coming to my mind is even if you did hear him break it off would you feel any differently? Words are easy to speak, actions harder to live. husband and I went thru a long, long period of time (about 20-25 years ago) when there was no trust, nada, zip, zilch even when I heard the words coming out of his mouth and him with me. Obviously we didn't stay together then and it took him over 10 years to start trusting me again and it took me til we were married almost a year to know that he wasn't going to leave me and break my heart again. Trust is the HUGE deal breaker in our home. However, that being said, to get to this point in our relationship, sometimes we just had to take a leap of faith and PROVE to each other that we were trustworthy again. Also, sometimes we just had to put the past completely out of the picture and deal with the present and take it one day at a time. And almost 6 years later those days have added up to a lot of happiness and an extremely stable, loving marriage. Was it easy? No way. Was it something we both at one time or another wanted to give up on? Maybe. Was it worth it? More than life itself.

I'm not really sure where this post is leading, but I do know how happy, truly happy boyfriend has made you, Ant and Kaleb. I think that if you BOTH want to work it out it has to be together. Rescuers are hard people to be with, unless you have the kind of faith and trust in them that is totally unshakeable. On the other hand, you know him, we don't and I believe in trusting in gut feelings. Do you honestly, deep down inside feel he will cut it off or is he just saying it to make you happy and keep you happy?

I hope you can work it out together and three years is a long time to throw away. Would he consider counseling? Would you?

Just know, no matter the outcome, we are here for you!