Emotions all over the place

[strangeworld]

My daughter has been home two days straight. Sober. My husband brought her home and she was drunk three nights ago. Son was in the car. I told her she cannot come home if she's been drinking. And we will not be giving her rides in the evening at all anymore.

She has been in a decent mood. We watched a movie together two nights ago....laughed. I enjoy her company when she's in a good mood. We actually get along and have similar personalities in my opinion. She would probably disagree.

Today she said she's riding her bike into town. It's 15 miles to her hangout. I said we can't pick you up (husband and I go out every Friday usually) and she said I'm not coming back here. I said do you have somewhere to stay and she said probably under a bridge.

My heart is breaking.

Two days ago, I told her absolutely no more rides in the evening, and I told her how painful it is to see her like that. I asked if she understood and she said "well it's hard seeing my friends like that so it must be painful to watch your child like that" (meaning drunk, high, etc., Self destructing). I said I would go to AA with her because she told me the night before was going to be her last night drinking. Apparently she's been trying. She said absolutely not...would not ever go to AA with me because we have "different perspectives". I went to AA for a little while when I quit drinking 18 years ago, but never became entrenched in the program. I didn't feel I needed it. But I have remained sober. And I don't any craving to drink thankfully.

I asked her if I made an appointment with a counselor would she go? She said no, basically, because she wouldn't show up.

This is so hard. She knows we love her. She knows we will help support her financially if she decides on rehab, counseling, school, anything positive. We've told her this. She basically said she might to be moving in with her boyfriend in Sept. When his domestic violence classes are over. When the no contact order is changed to peaceful contact order. I don't know if or how this will happen. He just got on govt aid probably for depression. I can't stop her from loving him. I can't stop her from anything.

I don't know how to see the good things in my life when this dark cloud is hovering. I know I need to recognize and accept that kids grow up and leave the nest...which is hard enough in healthy relationships, healthy individuals, healthy families. It's the natural course of things. My son just got his learner's permit, got all As and Bs this year, has a lovely girlfriend with parents I like a lot. He wants to be with her all the time. I am happy for him but the distance between my baby boy and me is growing and it doesn't feel good. The warm fuzziest motherhood produced when they were little have dissipated. I guess it happens to all loving mothers.

It hurts.. being a mom. It truly is a painful experience at times. I'm absolutely not ready for empty nest. I realize, and it is embarrassing to admit, that I have very little going on. My hobby also happens to be my job. I don't even have tv shows I enjoy. I don't really have close friends. The friends I have are mom's who have sons in scouts.

I don't like to tell my parent's about my feelings anymore because I know it stresses out my mom especially. My dad is the ultimate optimist and while that's good to have a mind like that, I feel like I have let them down. My mom seems to not want to talk to me on the phone anymore because every time I call my dad picks up but she's right there in the background chiming in. It hurts to feel like my mom doesn't want to talk, but I don't blame her. I try not to go on about my daughter but when they ask sometimes it comes spilling out.

I think I will try to get to Al Anon today. It's only one of two day time meetings for the week and I missed Wednesday.

I also tried to contact a therapist a couple days ago from psychology today website but no response. She specializes in addiction and depression and takes our insurance. I guess I need to contact her direct number. It's just overwhelming.

Thanks for hearing me vent. I know you all understand.

 

[BusynMember]

Hi. I am sorry for your pain. We come from different perspectives.

When my kids got boyfriends and were not home I was relieved, happy and even comforted that they were doing what is normal. I started doing my own things and had no sorrows. Your son is almost a man not your baby boy. Babyhood is very short. Your almost man son should make you PROUD! Our kids grow up and move away and often do not stay our friends nor is it healthy for them not to grow up.

As for daughter, I WOULD seek counseling. There are ways to cope so that you don't always think about her problems and can live a happy life of your own

Love and light.

 

[strangeworld]

Wow. Maybe this is not the place for me. Your words sting.

I certainly am proud of him. I'm not sure why you think I am not. And very happy for him. But empty nest feelings are also normal for some and difficult for some. Sorry I posted about my feelings. I thought here was a safe place to vent. I find your response quite abrasive honestly. And hurtful. Why would you feel the need to kick someone when they are down? Maybe I'm overly sensitive right now and misinterpreted your post.

I guess we do have different perspectives. I would never in a million years shame someone for admitting they have sadness about kids growing up.

 

[BusynMember]

I certainly am sorry...I did not mean for the words to sting. I just wanted to cheer you up as you realize you have a normal well balanced young man as a son! I am so sorry it didn't seem that way. In no way did I mean to kick I was praising g your son for doing well.

I apologize again and am a little puzzled but I didn't mean to sound harsh. But I am very apologetic. Maybe it did sound harsh....

 

[strangeworld]

I appreciate your apology SWOT. Perhaps I am also just an emotional wreck right now and take everything harshly so I'm sorry if I overreacted. I didn't mean to sound like I am not happy for my son. Just realizing how much I don't have going on in my life to focus on as he needs me less and less. It's something I need to work on. For me, probably the time in my life when I felt the most whole and grounded is when they were little. Not just because they needed me and it made me feel useful and loved but because of the honesty in our relationship. The realness in affection and thoughts. Maybe I never really grew up and it felt good to be in the safe zone where I could let simple things of childhood be my world again. Realizing how much I've given to motherhood and in turn neglected my other areas that I now need to rely on more and more. And it's going to be a lot of work mentally finding those things that fill me up so I'm not a drag on my kids. It's a bit dismal at the moment. Also realizing maybe I expect too much from myself and everyone else. We are only human.
Anyway I'm sorry I overreacted. Thanks for clarifying your points as well.

 

[BusynMember]

Hey, I get it. My kids were my world too when they were little and I had to find myself too. But I was an older mom and my kids left later in my life so hub and I already had plans. That may have made it easier.

I truly do understand. Mom is all I wanted to be most of my life. I worked on and off but my identity was Mom.

 

[Littleboylost]

My daughter has been home two days straight. Sober. My husband brought her home and she was drunk three nights ago. Son was in the car. I told her she cannot come home if she's been drinking. And we will not be giving her rides in the evening at all anymore.

She has been in a decent mood. We watched a movie together two nights ago....laughed. I enjoy her company when she's in a good mood. We actually get along and have similar personalities in my opinion. She would probably disagree.

Today she said she's riding her bike into town. It's 15 miles to her hangout. I said we can't pick you up (husband and I go out every Friday usually) and she said I'm not coming back here. I said do you have somewhere to stay and she said probably under a bridge.

My heart is breaking.

Two days ago, I told her absolutely no more rides in the evening, and I told her how painful it is to see her like that. I asked if she understood and she said "well it's hard seeing my friends like that so it must be painful to watch your child like that" (meaning drunk, high, etc., Self destructing). I said I would go to AA with her because she told me the night before was going to be her last night drinking. Apparently she's been trying. She said absolutely not...would not ever go to AA with me because we have "different perspectives". I went to AA for a little while when I quit drinking 18 years ago, but never became entrenched in the program. I didn't feel I needed it. But I have remained sober. And I don't any craving to drink thankfully.

I asked her if I made an appointment with a counselor would she go? She said no, basically, because she wouldn't show up.

This is so hard. She knows we love her. She knows we will help support her financially if she decides on rehab, counseling, school, anything positive. We've told her this. She basically said she might to be moving in with her boyfriend in Sept. When his domestic violence classes are over. When the no contact order is changed to peaceful contact order. I don't know if or how this will happen. He just got on govt aid probably for depression. I can't stop her from loving him. I can't stop her from anything.

I don't know how to see the good things in my life when this dark cloud is hovering. I know I need to recognize and accept that kids grow up and leave the nest...which is hard enough in healthy relationships, healthy individuals, healthy families. It's the natural course of things. My son just got his learner's permit, got all As and Bs this year, has a lovely girlfriend with parents I like a lot. He wants to be with her all the time. I am happy for him but the distance between my baby boy and me is growing and it doesn't feel good. The warm fuzziest motherhood produced when they were little have dissipated. I guess it happens to all loving mothers.

It hurts.. being a mom. It truly is a painful experience at times. I'm absolutely not ready for empty nest. I realize, and it is embarrassing to admit, that I have very little going on. My hobby also happens to be my job. I don't even have tv shows I enjoy. I don't really have close friends. The friends I have are mom's who have sons in scouts.

I don't like to tell my parent's about my feelings anymore because I know it stresses out my mom especially. My dad is the ultimate optimist and while that's good to have a mind like that, I feel like I have let them down. My mom seems to not want to talk to me on the phone anymore because every time I call my dad picks up but she's right there in the background chiming in. It hurts to feel like my mom doesn't want to talk, but I don't blame her. I try not to go on about my daughter but when they ask sometimes it comes spilling out.

I think I will try to get to Al Anon today. It's only one of two day time meetings for the week and I missed Wednesday.

I also tried to contact a therapist a couple days ago from psychology today website but no response. She specializes in addiction and depression and takes our insurance. I guess I need to contact her direct number. It's just overwhelming.

Thanks for hearing me vent. I know you all understand.

I feel your pain and I do know where Oh are at emotionally. You are not alone. Do get some support for yourself. Self care is important.

 

[Triedntrue]

I understand how you feel. When my younger two moved out of state at basically the same time i had a hard time dealing with that. My oldest is my difficult child and i felt like he had taken so much of my time they resented him and me. We have reconciled to an extent but i don't see or hear from them as much as i would like. Anyway some suggestions that help me :day trips to things i put off seeing in my area, classes: i have done a cooking class, a wreath making class, a kissing ball class and a mozaic with stained glass. I also go on nature walks with my dog. Try to do things you would find interesting. Hope you can find some peace.

 

[strangeworld]

Thanks everyone. I just feel quite lost these days. Classes are a good idea Tired Mama. I keep wanting to learn how to wire wrap stones to make jewelry. There's always something to learn.

 

[Copabanana]

Strange world. I could have written 90 percent of your post.

I admire your honesty with yourself and your transparency.

I also admire your good boundaries. You speak up for yourself and you were right. We each of us has a different psychological makeup. There is no way to understand us, and to get our needs met without being real. It hurts when that does not feel respected.

What you are dealing with is crushingly hard. I think the fact you had an alcohol problem might make it harder. I find that to be the case myself. The hardest parts are the repetitions. The old wounds that get opened. The dreams that turn bad. The guilt. That it must be me. That I am the common denominator.

I am very glad you are here and so much hope you continue posting. You have so much to share with the rest of us.

I am so like you. I felt my life redeemed by motherhood. My son accused me of that. He was right. It has been devastating to me to suffer with my son. But this is very wrong of me. No child should have to carry the emotional welfare of their parent. I think this is what swot intended to say. i would have been hurt and angry too. But you and I are raw and exposed. It is hard to hear that there could be another way.

But the thing is. There is a way out and forward for us.

We are stronger than we feel you and I. And I am learning that there can be pain and fear with strength. But it is hard. Very.

 

[strangeworld]

Copa, so much of what you said is how I feel too. Being a former drinker, and a blackout reckless angry drinker, it terrifies me seeing my daughter like this. I started around 18 when I was in a band. It lowered my inhibitions but it also ultimately took me from the music I so loved. There is a shame so deep when you realize how close you were to death many times, how selfish the disease is. How stupid I was when drunk and clueless. All these feelings that have resurfaced as I watch my daughter go down a black hole that she might not ever climb out of is terrifying. Then again, she has a strong will. I try to tell myself the cliche we are not defined by our past.

I also felt redeemed when I became a mother. A wholesomeness and innocence I had not felt in a long time came with motherhood...a chance to give of my good, authentic self to my daughter and then my son. I had not told my daughter about my drinking past until last summer when it came tumbling out into a text after she raged at me...police came...and then she left. I told her I can't handle alcohol. Told her about my DUI and my two weekends in jail. Told her how I knew I had to stop for good. And then I told her I didn't want to witness another person I love (her) be destroyed by the ravages of alcohol. My husband drinks on the weekends if we go out and knowing our past, his family's history of alcohol abuse and tragic ending to his parents' and sister's lives, it scares me. When they say in al-anon that alcoholism is an incurable and often fatal disease, I believe it. But I am powerless over it and others.

I'm trying to focus on the good. Trying to remember to be grateful for the things in my life that are good and well....and there is a lot of good. Just hard to see when I feel so lacking in spirit these days.

Wishing everyone here on this forum and our loved ones peace.

 

[Copabanana]

Again strangeworld, I could have written much of your post. My response to much of the stuff you write is just coming into consciousness (and I just woke up) so will write just a bit.

I have the generational thing in my family, too. I am beginning to call it inherited trauma, that has been passed along, and that I carry.

I live with it like a hot potato. If it surfaces it needs to get out of here. Fast. And I disown it.

With my son nothing I could do could get rid of the hot potato. It is a constant ache from the burn always there. Last night's nightmares were about my son. when I feel the pain of the burn, I name him as the cause.

Except guess what?

I had a drinking past too as a young woman though I do not drink now. There were similarities to yours. It was work related. It was excessive. I was wild. I felt invincible.I was in danger without being aware.

And my dad was an alcoholic and drug user. Like bad. He worked but almost skid row bad. It ended badly.

And my son's birth parents were drug addicts.

I am slowly understanding that the problem here is me. I have no desire to go to al anon. I have no desire to be with other sad, hand wringing mothers and wives like me. That is how I imagine the group.

I am going to go to AA. Somebody told me recently your son is your drug. Your drink. She was right.

You know that song, amazing grace?

I once was lost but now i'm found....

I found myself in my son.

But all these years later I have become the hot potato. My unresolved pain and past. I see it. The hot potato is what I am carrying. The pain is mine. Not him.

Thank you strange world

 

[Littleboylost]

That is a huge revelation Copa. The first step to recover is identifying the problem. You are well on your way.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Strangeworld, your words touched my heart....I'm so sorry you're struggling......there is no heartbreak quite like having our precious kids go off the rails while we are standing on the sidelines, powerless.

It hurts.. being a mom. It truly is a painful experience at times.

Yes, it is a painful experience, it hurts. The hardest thing I've ever done was to let go of my daughter. It took a lot of work on my part, a lot of support and I often felt overwhelmed. All we can do sometimes is put one foot in front of the other and hope we land on a safe ledge. And, each step can be such a challenge......and yet, you are doing exactly what all of us do.....navigating an entirely new landscape with as much grace and courage as you can muster all the while doing everything possible to help your daughter...... while learning how to care for yourself. It's not easy...but it's necessary. You're a Mom, when our kids hurt, we hurt. When our kids go south, we have to learn not to go with them.

I don't know how to see the good things in my life when this dark cloud is hovering. I

I doubt any of us know how to do that.....we have to learn. We have to find a way to get our own lives back....that's where support comes in......it's not uncommon for us Mother's to have parenting be our priority for many years and when it comes time to let them go, it's really difficult.....especially if they're struggling in any way. Everything you're feeling is normal....this is hard stuff. What helps get through is for us to begin to put ourselves as the priority, to have our self care be the focus.....as we make that shift in focus, as we fill our own selves up with love, self acceptance and self forgiveness, we make healthier choices and are better equipped to weather these storms with our troubled kids.

In the midst of your struggles you're making good choices, attending Al Anon and finding a therapist versed in addiction and depression is terrific, keep it up. I know how hard it can be, and yet you're doing it.....you're putting one step in front of the other and you're seeking help. Good for you. We'll do our best to support you and circle our wagons around you as you travel this path. You're not alone, we understand the grief, the fear, the overwhelm, the devastation of it all......hang in there.....remember that you matter too, your feelings and your heartbreak and your sorrow matter.....find safe, supportive, caring environments for you to find your joy again.
(((HUGS))))

 

[strangeworld]

All of this is so confusing sometimes. Copa, I understand what you are saying. I am glad to know that on this forum I am not the only one who had a drinking problem. For me, it has been an overwhelming realization in the last couple years that part of the problem is me and my fear. And there's been a rude awakening that keeping alcohol out of the house since the day I quit did not keep my daughter from it in the end. Here I was, thinking if I could be sober, if my husband could be sober, my daughter and son would not end up an alcoholic or heavy drinker.

How naive to think abstinence on my part would break the cylce that appeared over and over in our bloodlines. I should have known that it is hereditary because I was adopted as an infant by two non-alcoholics. They would drink a beer or a glass of wine here or there but that was it - occasional,normal drinking. Now I think they drink every night during "cocktail hour" but still, they do not ever have more than one or two. My birth father was an alcoholic from what I believe. My birth mother, who I continue to have a long distance relationship with as I found her about 16 years ago, might be one, but I don't know. If anything she is more of a heavy drinker at times I believe, but I really don't know.

All I do know is I did offer my children the real me while they were growing up, and this is still the real me. For some odd reason, I always feel the need to bare my soul so that someone can say they understand. But I don't want my kids to see me weak so I have to do it here or with a therapist. None of us has a past free of some kind of regret. Copa, you and I also have the firsthand knowledge that quitting for good can be done - we have done it. Our kids can too. If nothing else, my daughter knows that her mom was able to stop. Maybe in some odd way, us going through our own battles was to "meant to be" so that we would be able to have more compassion and empathy for our kids when they go through it because in a way - we have been there. Copa, does your son know of your past struggles?

I do know what you mean about your son being your drug. That is part of my issue too. Maybe if we fix our kids we will be fixing ourselves? Proving that we are good - we are not tainted - we are truly good people. I thought about going to AA - maybe therein would be more of an camaraderie because I'm not sure how many of those at al-anon have actually been through alcoholism or problem drinking themselves. There must be some...it's hereditary. I'm sure there are more than we know. I go there to learn how to detach but I have not had much luck yet. It's a slow process. I have not really grasped the "program" yet. But I do like everything about it.

I think in a nutshell I have realized that I need to accept something. That alcoholism runs in our family and there's not a damn thing I can do to change that. That me staying away from alcohol is MY PERSONAL JOURNEY and no one else's. I quit for my kids but I truly did it for ME. The embarrassing acknowledgement that I thought I was saved by my daughter - I couldn't imagine being that drunk mom - was actually selfish. What a huge burden for her to carry if I ever told her that. I want her to quit drinking not for me, or her dad or her boyfriend or brother, but for HER. When I tell her it is painful to see her drunk, it's the truth. But the real sadness is that she probably drinks to fill the void - one that should be filled with self worth. Something that moms and dads are supposed to help their daughter's with. It feels like we missed the boat somewhere along the way. But it's done - there is only now and moving forward. There's still time.

I'm rambling now, but just wanted to say that sometimes when the truth starts to surface, it is painful but Copa, you are right. We are strong and we will be okay. The truth is freeing once the pain subsides.

 

[Copabanana]

To answer your question:. You know the odd thing?

I never considered myself as having had a drinking problem. It was something I did for a few years in my extreme youth. We worked at night and closed the bars after work, friends and I. It felt like a lifestyle, not an addiction. When I stopped drinking heavily, I stopped.

I continued to drink occasionally like wine over the years. While I enjoyed it, it did not control me.

It is only very very lately that I am thinking about this past in a far different light. Because I see I have always turned to compulsive, escapist even destructive behavior to handle strong emotions. I have always engaged in "somewhere over the rainbow" thinking. Like you say, to fill the void.

I have had a hard time staying present, anchored or grounded in self care. Or knowing who and what I was absent goals, or without the validation of others.

All of the this I am belatedly tying together and unhappily to my responses, reactions and attitudes to my son, let alone myself.

My son hates himself. Talk about pain.

 

[Triedntrue]

I also came to the conclusion that my lack of self esteem carried over to my son. One of the reasons that i decided that i had to stop helping was what my therapist and my husband both said to me. He has to be able to do it himself so he can be proud of himself and I realized that my confidence grew with my independence. I never drank more than once or twice a year because i took the opposite view i knew my dads drinking was hard on my mom so i decided early that i would never take a drink if i needed one to cope. I do think that that is why my son drinks and trys drugs because he uses it as a crutch. My hope is that if he becomes more confident he will gain the strength to stop. Maybe a pipe dream but....