Fed up and don't know what to do.

[4Crazykids]

We are struggling with our 17 yr old son and I am so stressed!

He has been smoking pot, cheating on his pregnant 17 year old girlfriend, and last night was arrested for curfew violation. I know that many kids are much worse off than him at this point, but things are spiraling out of control.

He has dropped out of school and has run away several times. Moved out for a while, but came home when things started going awry with the friends he lived with. But, they were one source of pot and he has since reconnected with them. He refuses to help around the house or to get a job (because he won't pass the drug test).

Our entire household is in chaos all the time and it's exhausting.

My husband and I are working on setting up a house rules contract with all of our kids. I am starting to work 2nd shift this next week so that one of us will be at home at all times.

Any suggestions or help is appreciated!

 

[BusynMember]

First of all, your son sounds like hes in a ton of a mess. For one thing, from one who experienced this, you have no idea if your son is only smoking pot. It could be worse. I thought my daughter was just smoking pot too. I was sure if it. I was way wrong and it got way worse before she finally straightened out.

Secondly, getting his girlfriend pregnant is huge. when he turns eighteen he is going to have to pay child support for that kid. I doubt he us ready to be a father, but he is going to be one. I hope his girlfriend isn't drinking or drugging while pregnant. That can cause permanent problems with this child. I assume she's not thinking of a mature couple and adoption...they dont.

Dropping out of school gives your son zilch chance for a fruitful future. Do you think he'd follow a contract? What will be his consequences if he doesnt follow your rules? Does he have a job? Does he pay for his own toys? Does he pay for whatever car he drives? Put his own gas in? Pay his share of the insurance?

My opinion is to crack the whip on him. Until he turns eighteen only provide him with essentals like nutritious food. He doesnt need a cell phone or get him one without internet. If he refuses to live up to his responsibility, you do have the option of having him leave at eighteen. You don't have to do it, but he may just vegetate if you keep providing for him. My daughter stopped drugs and all her bad behavior after we made her leave at nineteen. It broke our hearts but it worked. Nothing else did. And twelve years later she has gone to a two year college, has been in a faithful relationship without drugs for all that time and is a great mother to a great two year old...my granddaughter.

I cant recommend being soft on defiant young adults because in my opinion it backfires.

I feel really badly about this and hope there are adequate plans for the baby. Your son should step up...I don't know him. I hope he gets a full time job and tries for 50/50 custody (this is common now) for the sake of the baby, who deserves a good life. Hugs for your poor hurting heart

 

[Praecepta]

One thing which is helpful for rules/consequences is for them to apply to everyone in the house. Call them "Family Rules".

So instead of saying something like "Kids will not hit each other, kick parents, spit at people, etc."... Instead word it like: Everyone will use their hands and feet safely. (That covers everyone and everything!)

Furthermore you don't need to re-invent the wheel. There are plenty of family rules lists on the internet which you can copy and modify to your needs or use asis. Search google.com for the words...

family rules

Also if you want more strict rules, search for the words...

juvenile detention facility rules

You can get more help by asking your local school counselor about parenting classes in your area. For that the other people in the class have gone through the same things you are going through, and... Misery enjoys company! Also they have MANY excellent ideas for helping you deal with kids.

The first parenting class I went to, everyone else was smiling and happy. I was ready to pull my hair out! Anyway they had me smiling too within just a few weeks!

 

[mof]

Yikes...the stress alone !!!

I have no idea how to handle it..but I agree about the pot, pot is pot..defiance and crazy is usually something else...get a good drug test.

Hugs....you r not alone!

 

[4Crazykids]

Thanks all!
He is no longer allowed to drive our cars because he would take them and not come back for days. He walks everywhere now. Unless one of us is available to give a ride and then only rarely.

His girlfriend has really been better since getting pregnant. She is living with us as well,since her dad is mad about the baby. They have not considered adoption and we are not pushing them either way at this point. She mostly stays here all the time. Not going out partying like him.

He gets in trouble mostly when he is with a specific friend, who after the curfew ticket has not been around. Hoping his dad is keeping him on a short leash as well.

We really have not been tough enough on him and we know it. After he moved out and came back we were just so glad he was home and things went well for a while that we didn't want to drive him out again.
BUT, things have to change and I appreciate all your suggestions!