Finally threw down the gauntlet....

[CAmom]

Just a quick note, Mikey--our son also considered himself above the stoner mentality of some of his friends. He also managed to get hold of pot, even when he had no money.

About the pot houses, I would be making a quick phone call to my local police department to keep an eye on those pot houses, had I known where they were. I know my son had friends whose parents didn't have a problem with pot.

My son also decided life would be better with friends, for about three days, when he sprained his ankle and needed us--he was still 16 at the time.

 

[Mikey]

DDD, re: <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Very often it is not possible to change into recovery mode in the home environment...even when the family loves the addict.</div></div>

Going back over this thread, and this caught my eye because I think you're spot-on when it come to ganja-guy.

I had a friend who was a defense attorney who had a client who was accused of something terrible. Evidence didn't support the charges, and the accusor had backed out of many of her original statments. But somehow the case still went to trial (don't know how it turned out).

Over lunch, though, I asked him how it could ever get that far. He said "sometimes, after these cases get going, they take on a life of their own and none of the original parties can kill the damned thing."

I think your statement - and his - exactly describe what's going on. Regardless of how our current situation started, it's evolved into something else: a power struggle between him and us. There was a time at the beginning where I think he wanted help. But we were in shock, too new, and too inexperienced to know what to do. He then moved on to his current state and we were the ones trying to make things better. Now, it's just a standoff.

The fight has taken on a life of its own, and nothing one side does is accepted or trusted by the other any more. Probably, the only way this has any chance of ending successfully (i.e. pothead decides on his own he needs help) is when he moves out and doesn't have us to blame anymore. Then, the only face in the mirror will be his, and he'll either sink deeper or finally decide to improve.

I just hope that between now and then, we can come to some accomodation that keeps the peace in the house while not allowing him to damage the family any more (and not condoning or enabling any of his favorite illegal activities).

Mikey

 

[CCRidr2]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> No matter how important herb is in his daily diet, he still wants some kind of life after HS (although he doesn't know what it is yet). </div></div>

That is something at least! Maybe there is hope! I had a friend in HS whose mother smoked weed with her! Now she is an accountant, has been married for 15 yrs and has 4 beautiful children. The daughter not the mom.

OK! That didn't come out right, I'm not saying smoke with him :smile: but there is still the opportunity for him to become a productive member of society!

With you and wife fighting for him, he has a chance! Don't lose sight of that.
:warrior: by the way I think you are making more sense than anyone I have ever seen or heard in the situation you're in!

 

[Mikey]

CAMom, re: <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">About the pot houses, I would be making a quick phone call to my local police department to keep an eye on those pot houses, had I known where they were...</div></div>

Thought about it, and told difficult child that I'd thought about it - but then got a reality check. He said his "friends" knew that his parents were neo-nazis bent on the destruction of the Pothead nation. He said that if either of the houses were suddenly "raided", they would probably assume that we made the call, and then react in ways we wouldn't like.

I said "Are you serious? These are people you call "friends", even when they would threaten your family?". Pothead replies "Oh, my family wouldn't be at risk - I'd kill someone if any one of you were touched. But your house, your cars, and anything else that crowd could get their hands on would be completely trashed - repeatedly."

I had to take that seriously. And even though he says none of us would be hurt (and he truly believes that), I don't think he understands the reality of what would probably happen, or the real danger we would be in (regardless of his bravado).

So I haven't called. And even if the threat wasn't there, would it make a difference, since he's dedicated to the stoner life? In the end, those are only two of the many places the Pothead Posse goes to indulge (our county is on the edge of a major metro, but is still very rural). Shutting them down would make me feel better, but wouldn't stop my son, and would only bring more demons into the fray.

Life with a pothead is NEVER dull, is it?

Mikey

 

[Mikey]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I had a friend in HS whose mother smoked weed with her! Now she is an accountant, has been married for 15 yrs and has 4 beautiful children....I'm not saying smoke with him, but there is still the opportunity for him to become a productive member of society!</div></div>

Yes, there is that chance. And for almost a year, wife and I thought we could influence that chance and make it grow.

We were wrong.

Since he's "come out", everything good that's happened, happened because he wanted it to. We can't do anything to make him continue to do good things, nor can we do anything to keep him from throwing those things away on a whim. It took a while, but we realize this now.

I do hope for a change. I pray for it every day. And regardless of the other crud he leaves strewn about in our lives, I am encouraged that he has chosen to make some positive changes on his own. But I'm also now prepared for the fact that he may never "get better".

In the immortal words of Jack Nicholson: "What if this is as good as it gets?" It's the answer to that question that wife and I are trying to resolve now.

Thanks,
Mikey

 

[HereWeGoAgain]

On the question of calling the police on the pot houses: that is a thorny one. I have gone through a similar dilemma and reached a similar conclusion. I have become aware of names, places, and activities that would be of great interest to the PD. But these people could very well trace back the source of info and do something to difficult child or to us in retaliation. I know it is my duty as a citizen and just the right thing to do, but I think about my grdtr and conclude -- selfishly and cowardly as it may be -- not to make the call. I hate that she puts us in this situation in the first place.

 

[Sunlight]

I did tell the cops about one pot house in particular. seems they already knew about it. I finally called the house myself and told off the mother of the kids selling my son pot. she denied it all and he got mad because then they would not sell him anything. lol

 

[Mikey]

Initially, the implied threat got my attention. But ultimately, it was acceptance of the fact that shutting down the houses wouldn't do anything for my son. If anything, it would give him even more reason to act out, and increase his desire to hide what he's doing from us.

While I'm working hard on things like "detachment" and "letting go and letting God", I still try to avoid doing things that give my pot-poisoned son any more reason to act out, especially when the net result will be negative for all concerned.

To clarify, though, I stay away from those triggers to the extent that I can without selling my soul, putting my family or my son at risk, or giving up any more control to him.

But I'm now willing to let him face his own consequences - even if it means he gets arrested with the rest of the lot when one of those houses is raided. It already happened to another house (a boozer hangout before school), and a lot of his friends are now on probation as a result.

For now, I guess that's as close as I can get to the first three steps in any given 12-step program. Slowly, I'm relearning that the change has to start with me.

Mikey

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Mikey,

You are right, calling on the pot house would have no impact on your son. And chances are, cops know about it already. What is important to keep in mind, however, is after the showdown, when you have made it clear exactly who is in charge, is to stay in charge. And if it means calling the cops if he brings anything that does not belong in your house, into your house, then so be it.

I have gone back and read over some of your older threads regarding these problems. You've come a long way. Remember who the Big Dog Daddy is.

Prayers and good thoughts coming your way!

 

[SunnyFlorida]

Wow...look at all I missed :doctor: I must be feeling a little better, at least I was able to read it all. The past month I haven't even been able to read long posts much less reply!

I have to giggle Mikey. I wish I had your sense of humor and your medications!

My biggest input to this whole shebang is the less talking you do....the more difficult child will listen. The time for talking is not now...but when difficult child is ready to change. That may be in a while I'm afraid.

Mr. McWeedie is following along a pretty typical path and saying the same 'ole thang that we've all heard from our own difficult child's. Just keep your and wife's conversations with difficult child to a minimum and don't waiver from what you say. It's difficult child's job to see if he can make you waiver.

You've been given some warnings about watching your stuff, heed those warnings. A difficult child can get quite ingenious when they want $$.

I agree, it's good to be prepared if and when difficult child may need a treatment center.

:devil: keep up the good work.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Mikey

I just have to give some kudos to wife. I read about the "free and breezy" on another thread. Good for her!!

Cap'n Cannabis is getting a dose of reality. Not a particularly delicious side dish to an all-herb diet. WhatEVER will he do?

 

[HereWeGoAgain]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: BigBadKitty</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Cap'n Cannabis is getting a dose of reality. Not a particularly delicious side dish to an all-herb diet. WhatEVER will he do? </div></div> :rofl:

OK, I nominate BBk & Mikey as the official Teen S/A humor act. Keep it up! Laughter is the best medication of all.

 

[HereWeGoAgain]

Say, would a stoner who thinks he's "smarter than the average stoner" be a Yogi stoner? Eh, BooBoo?

 

[Mikey]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: HereWeGoAgain</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Say, would a stoner who thinks he's "smarter than the average stoner" be a Yogi stoner? Eh, BooBoo? </div></div>

Argh. Is it sad that recognize what you're talking about, and actually watched that cartoon?

:rolleyes: &lt;-- Me, thinking that I'm too old for this stuff.

Mikey

 

[DDD]

Sorry, Mickey, you can't claim to be "too old" until after you are older than I am...bummer. You'll know when you are "too old"
when your mailbox is a mix of Medicare mail, SS correspondences,
and various notices from the County Court house/Probation office.

I thought I would grow old receiving Burpee seeds in the mail.
Never did I believe my mail would cause me to be the "burpee".
DDD

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

How did "the showdown" go on Saturday, Mikey?

 

[Mikey]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: BigBadKitty</div><div class="ubbcode-body">How did "the showdown" go on Saturday, Mikey? </div></div>

BBK: started a new thread on that called "Pothead Detent - or Simply Defeated?"

Mikey