First family therapy session a disaster!

[CAmom]

PS...Our expectations, in general, have always been: Attend school full time or get a full-time job. Respect your home, your parents/family, and yourself, and we will support you while you either complete your education or save enough money working to go out on your own.

As far as my son's expectations of us, me in particular, they were quite broad yesterday..."a meal and a bed and I'll do my own laundry!"

As you can see, we all have some fine-tuning to do...

 

[KFld]

I remember how devestated you were when he was first sent away and you didn't know how you were going to survive living without him. Isn't it funny how things work, because I'm sure you've now gotten so used to it that your wondering how you are going to survive with him living home again.

You have come a long way. I knew you would surive. I usually don't like to say this, but I told you so, na na na na na!!!! :smile:

 

[meowbunny]

Just a warning. You need to have some very concrete plans in place for when he gets home. Will he be allowed to see his former friends? If he's not in school, will he have to work and, if so, full time or part time?

I know you don't want to think this but the reality is your son is not a typical teen. He was arrested for drug use. He was court ordered into an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Rather than trying to follow the rules of the Residential Treatment Center (RTC), he tried to skirt around them. Few kids get arrested for drug use (yes, many experiment but your son was doing more than experimenting). Fewer still get to enjoy the comforts of juvie and an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Most who get to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) at least try to work the program -- at least those who have a family behind them.

I understand you have a list of wants and like tos, but you really need more than that. You need to be more definite. What exactly does it mean to respect his family, his home, himself? Playing it one day at a time is asking for trouble.

Your son will think he can go back to old habits. You will have no definite plan of attack if he does. He is almost an adult and it is time he started shouldering some true responsibility. He threw his playtime away.

If he wants to go to college, I would make it with the proviso that he has to maintain a certain grade point average. If he doesn't go to school, I would require him to get a job -- not working with dad but a job where he has to interview and see what kind of a job a high school grad can get -- and pay a nominal amount of rent. (You can put his rent money in a special account to give to him when he is ready to move out on his own.) As to driving, I would make the use of a car fairly restrictive when he first gets home. Make sure his is not just using it to hang out, especially not with the friends he did drugs with.

You also need to decide now what you will do if he doesn't follow the rules of the house and be sure you can stick with whatever consequences you and your husband deem appropriate.

I apologize for sounding harsh but there are some realities you need to face. Hopefully, his Residential Treatment Center (RTC) will help you with specific goals, suggestions, etc. If they don't offer, I'd suggest you ask for their help. You truly can't play it loose. Your son is too vulnerable when he gets home to not have set guidelines.

 

[CAmom]

Karen, go ahead and say it! You're right. I remember walking past his empty room seven months ago and feeling as though I couldn't breathe because of the pain.

Earlier in the week, when the reality of his home coming in several weeks hit us, my husband and I looked at each other thinking, "Oh, SH-T!" Our relaxed, mostly stress-free lifestyle is certainly going to come to an end!

 

[CAmom]

Meow, actually, many of the issues you mentioned were brought up in our second (successful,this time...) therapy session today.

We talked about what was meant by respecting our home, etc., specifically keeping his room and bathroom clean and helping out a bit. Respecting himself encompasses choice of friends, not abusing his body by using marijuana, etc.

No, being court ordered into an group home certainly isn't typical. He wasn't arrested for drugs as he never had more marijuana on his person than he was using at the time. That, combined with his age, is why he was sent to a group home for help rather than being punished in a prison setting. Thankfully, although he's had a rocky time of it, he has basically settled down and is doing well in the program and at school.

Actually, for the first time in his twelve years of school, he is actually completely focused on it and feeling some healthy stress about completing high school. A good sign, we feel.

As far as when he comes home, it is worrisome. He, himself, has expressed fear about getting caught up in his old lifestyle which he doesn't want to do. His therapist is helping him with this issue, and we'll do what we can to support him when he's home.

A car is a huge deal to him, but he knows very well that the car is his to use on a "loan" basis only and only as long as he is either working or going to school and taking whichever option he chooses seriously. There is also a condition that he stay away from marijuana and alcohol. It will take some time, seeing him progress in a positive direction, before we'll be signing it over to him. We're hoping that, between trade school, a job, and maintaining a car he'll be too busy to get into trouble.

 

[Sunlight]

wow I have to say I am so proud of you both! what a long journey to this point. before- absence of hope, now- a bright future is possible!

 

[CAmom]

Ant's mom, thanks! My husband and I feel strongly that we must approach his homecoming from a positive standpoint.

However, in my deepest heart, I must say that I don't believe that people really change, and my son is still the same person he was when he left.

That said, I do believe that he has gotten at least some insight into the negative forces that were driving him when he began his downward spiral, and he has resolved some of those issues.

Also, if nothing else, he has learned one simple but important fact: the negative consequences of breaking the law apply to him as well, and that no one can or will save him from them anymore. He knows very well that, if and when there is a "next time," it won't be a group home where life is actually pretty good--it'll be jail.

We hope and pray that this fact, if nothing else, will be enough
to keep him honest, but only time will tell...

 

[meowbunny]

I'm so glad there is a more concrete plan in place. I gather the comments that caused me to be so concerned was done before the therapy session. :smile:

I agree that people don't change, but they do grow and learn. Hopefully, your son has learned and has some tools available to him that he didn't have before. There is no question that you have. :smile:

 

[BusynMember]

Hi there. I just read the thread and smiled a lot. I do think he will need a very structured environment when he comes home. Most of our kids/young adults (yep, even young adults) do best when their time is not their own to wander the streets, reconnect with bad influences, etc. My daughter actually did well when she left the state and moved in with her straight-arrow brother who told her she could stay only within his rules (and he doesn't even allow smoking cigarettes in his house). Since she had nowhere else to go, she complied. She didn't have a car at all (she'd cracked her car up three times--I'd make your son drive well for three years before signing over a car to him--jmo). Daughter, under his rules and without a car, found a job, walked to work, came home, and had to help with chores around the house, with shopping, with cooking, etc. Son had three roommates too, and all were very straight-laced and serious--there were no parties. When she met her boyfriend, the strain began because the two of them made noise and the roommates complained and a few words were exchanged, but she still didn't go back to drugs or her old ways, even after she finally got a car (an old car) and moved out. She has done well since. J. was lucky. In spite of being on probation twice, nobody ever sent her to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). She was never caught with more than pot either, however she did a lot more than pot, or so she told me AFTER she cleaned up her act :smile: I'd keep a very close eye on him. I don't feel that working for your hub will be a good enough deterrent to him unless hub is REALLY strict and makes him start down low, tow the line, get low wages until he proves himself, etc. If he's not THAT sort of Dad, well, again, these kids need a different approach, in my opinion. I'd have him see that McDonalds isn't a fun or rewarding place to work, but it does pay his rent (which I'd insist on). My daughter did finish tech school and got her beautician's license. She's also smart, but not a scholar. We're proud of her for that, even though she chose not to cut hair, except as a side job. Right now my daughter is the manager of a Fannie Mae Candy Store. She talks about her drug days like, "I was so stupid and ditzy." Your son can do just as well. One big difference between my daughter and your son is that my daughter always worked hard (not at school, but she worked at Walmart even on drugs) and she helped around the house. That gave her a little boost when she cleaned up and moved in with tough love bro. I'd make sure he chips in with those chores. Good luck, and good for your son for graduating :smile: Good for YOU for your own special sort of "graduation" :wink:

 

[SunnyFlorida]

:smile: Wow Camom....your's is quite the success story. I remember when you came, the hurt, confusion, denial etc. Your journey has been great to watch. I'm proud that we, as a group of concerned supportive parents, have had a little part in helping you and husband on your journey. I hope that when difficult child returns you continue to post on his progress. Although a work-in-progress, you are battle tested and have come out on the other side. :warrior:

Keeping difficult child busy is a good idea. Any type of full time school and a part time job will help. difficult child will face the stressors of illegal age drinking/SA like the rest of his peers, but hopefully his time will be so busy and his new found "tools" helpful.

:princess: I'm very happy for your family.

 

[CAmom]

Sunny, thank you for your positive words.

The part you and everyone here have played in my (and my husband's)journey through this nightmare has been immeasurable. I do feel that we have changed and grown.

But, I don't look at where we (including our son) are now as an ending but rather as only the beginning.

I have absolutely no doubt that I will be posting on an ongoing basis because I have absolutely no doubt that there will be problems ahead of us. I know very well that our son is the same person he has always been, and his difficult child-ness is a part of who he is.

I hate to be defeatest, but I fully expect to be in the posiiton of many of you at some point and have to issue an ultimatum about following our rules or leaving home because he's always seemed to be driven to push limits. I also wouldn't be surprised if he were fired from at least one and maybe more jobs before he realizes that he's not the boss, or lose one or more room-mates because his understanding of the concept of "give-and-take" is fairly limited.

Only time will tell how things play out, but, again, I've got no illusions that we have only "sunny" skies ahead...