I see what you mean then. I hadn't thought about those who would abuse the system and would be working and still able to go and get free food. So this son, has no medical diagnosis except by me which is severe anxiety. (he did go through about 2 yrs. of drug use in his early 20's but now if he could have his way would be Non GMO food.) He is still at the point where he is does not see this as his "issue" and until he does at 30 yrs. old, there is nothing I can do to push him to SSI etc. He wants to keep the car because that's what he's living in. I feel obligated to keep gassing him up because then he will be on the streets. He has never expressed to me "why" he doesn't want to stay at the shelters but I assume it's a lot of what you've mentioned. I agree the car is a liability "to me". I've put alternator's in it, new tires, new batteries etc. Whenever he gets angry, he threatens to sell it (oh because I bought it and am still paying on the loan). I've told him go ahead! Sell it, the burden would be off me. I would love to cut my losses.
Since even in his early 20's (he went to college for 1 1/2 yrs. and that's when he fell into drugs etc. and then could no longer continue because academically his grades were too poor). I have been paying his student loans since 2009 and have another 10 yrs. to pay them, just for this short time he went. Anyways, he had a bad "coming out" because of the way his alcoholic father handled it, and unfortunately, at the time (I'm now divorced) I didn't have a backbone to stand up to the alcoholic/i.e., tools given to me now in Al anon. He has blamed all that and so much more on us and has only worked intermittently in the last 10 yrs. Always, quits a job because of one "injustice" or another. He was living with us (doing nothing but playing video games up until the divorce 2 yrs. ago) so all he had to do was listen to us complain about his not working and our demands for him to get a job. He managed to do that most of the time and not work. He lashes out verbally to me (verbal knives) the minute I don't give him something he wants. Food, gas, etc. I block and unblock him like a roller coaster.
The one boundary I have managed to keep is to not allow him or his younger brother to live with me. I cannot and will not go through the verbal harrassement and disrespect they give me in my own home and deal with someone sleeping until 3:00pm while I'm at work all day. Can't do it, won't do it anymore. Of course, they cannot believe how cruel and unkind of a mother I am to not allow this.
I think most of my guilt comes from the fact I didn't realize how much I was enabling both sons through the years, but I was living an insane life with a chronic alcoholic who was also sucking the life out of me and I didn't even know it. I was in survival mode all the time and think I failed with my sons. If they didn't want to do something, like get a job or mow the lawn, I didn't force their hand "enough" because then a "war" would ensue because the alcoholic husband would start a fight and the police would show up. I couldn't win so I pretty much did everything myself, mow the lawn, paint, repairs, take care of kid functions, etc. etc.
So I have a long way to go in the journey but I really, really want peace. I do have this now certainly way more so than I ever did. But I heard someone at my Al anon meeting the other night who said she no longer, forces her answers on others, tries to fix everything and or thinks all her answers are the right ones. I want to have "that". She exuded so much peace. That's my goal.
