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From bad to worse...much, much worse.
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 656971" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Lil, as much as good ole Dr. Spock, that guy from our time, told us that telling our children positives will MAKE them feel positive, it's not true. </p><p></p><p>When I started school, with a nice load of learning challenges, I knew I was behind the other kids. If I had a normal mother who would have told me I was smart and I can do it, it wouldn't have mattered one bit. I was behind because of challenges other kids didn't had so they caught on much quicker than me. Not only did *I* know it, but the other kids in the class knew it too and I got teased for it, along with getting teased for not being able to pay attention and going "What?" when I was called on by the teacher to answer a question. It was hard for me not to daydream. </p><p></p><p>No matter what Dad and Mom say to you that is soothing, and I do think it helps at least emotionally, there is a world of teachers and peers and TV and now the internet out there letting you know if you don't measure up. I knew I wasn't measuring up. In time, I gave up trying. At that time, they had no help for learning differences so it was too difficult for me to keep up with my peers. I'm honestly amazed I graduated high school. Each year I'd flunk one class and have to go to summer school and the only reason I went was because my school crush always was at summer school too. </p><p></p><p>My self-esteem was in the toilet way before high school. The only things I felt I had going for me were my creativity, which even the other kids who didn't like me admitted I had, and my looks. I shudder to think of how much more ostracized I'd have been if I hadn't been pretty. I was so I did what I was good at. Whenever I could do it, I'd drive at night to a library that was in a college and actually sort of a hangout. I could write my novels in silence there and every so often a cute coed would flirt with me. I did not lack for boyfrieinds, although they did not stick around long as I refused to have sex. So my self-esteem points were that I was a very good writer and I was pretty. In spite of my fat ankles, Cedar...lol. </p><p></p><p>Back to you, Lil. </p><p></p><p>You are but a small reason your son has no self-esteem. There is a big world out there and he knows he is different. That doesn't mean he has to wallow in self-pity forever and never learn skills to do better. And that's where he is falling short. When he gives up, he really does give up. I actually did give up on school, but not on life. Your son has given up in all areas and wants you to do everything for him. You can't. He has to get some motivation to improve his life. He is the only one who can do it.</p><p></p><p>But you did nothing wrong to make him insecure. In your son's world, there was much more than you. </p><p></p><p>Lurking in the background is his birthfather who left him at five and never came back. He may never talk about him. He may hate him. But he probably does think about him. If you have a challenged attention span, if something is on your mind, that can make you ruminate and be even less productive.</p><p></p><p>Did you son get good feedback from teachers, peers, sports coaches, girls? If not, that's where this is all coming from. He can make it better, but rght now he won't. I hope he decides to get angry and tell himself, "I can DO this thing called life. It may be harder for me, but I CAN STILL DO THIS!" That's what it takes when you have challenges. </p><p></p><p>Since he is an adult, you've already done all you can and you did well. At least he doesn't hear his mother's voice telling him, "You're stupid!" And that help.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 656971, member: 1550"] Lil, as much as good ole Dr. Spock, that guy from our time, told us that telling our children positives will MAKE them feel positive, it's not true. When I started school, with a nice load of learning challenges, I knew I was behind the other kids. If I had a normal mother who would have told me I was smart and I can do it, it wouldn't have mattered one bit. I was behind because of challenges other kids didn't had so they caught on much quicker than me. Not only did *I* know it, but the other kids in the class knew it too and I got teased for it, along with getting teased for not being able to pay attention and going "What?" when I was called on by the teacher to answer a question. It was hard for me not to daydream. No matter what Dad and Mom say to you that is soothing, and I do think it helps at least emotionally, there is a world of teachers and peers and TV and now the internet out there letting you know if you don't measure up. I knew I wasn't measuring up. In time, I gave up trying. At that time, they had no help for learning differences so it was too difficult for me to keep up with my peers. I'm honestly amazed I graduated high school. Each year I'd flunk one class and have to go to summer school and the only reason I went was because my school crush always was at summer school too. My self-esteem was in the toilet way before high school. The only things I felt I had going for me were my creativity, which even the other kids who didn't like me admitted I had, and my looks. I shudder to think of how much more ostracized I'd have been if I hadn't been pretty. I was so I did what I was good at. Whenever I could do it, I'd drive at night to a library that was in a college and actually sort of a hangout. I could write my novels in silence there and every so often a cute coed would flirt with me. I did not lack for boyfrieinds, although they did not stick around long as I refused to have sex. So my self-esteem points were that I was a very good writer and I was pretty. In spite of my fat ankles, Cedar...lol. Back to you, Lil. You are but a small reason your son has no self-esteem. There is a big world out there and he knows he is different. That doesn't mean he has to wallow in self-pity forever and never learn skills to do better. And that's where he is falling short. When he gives up, he really does give up. I actually did give up on school, but not on life. Your son has given up in all areas and wants you to do everything for him. You can't. He has to get some motivation to improve his life. He is the only one who can do it. But you did nothing wrong to make him insecure. In your son's world, there was much more than you. Lurking in the background is his birthfather who left him at five and never came back. He may never talk about him. He may hate him. But he probably does think about him. If you have a challenged attention span, if something is on your mind, that can make you ruminate and be even less productive. Did you son get good feedback from teachers, peers, sports coaches, girls? If not, that's where this is all coming from. He can make it better, but rght now he won't. I hope he decides to get angry and tell himself, "I can DO this thing called life. It may be harder for me, but I CAN STILL DO THIS!" That's what it takes when you have challenges. Since he is an adult, you've already done all you can and you did well. At least he doesn't hear his mother's voice telling him, "You're stupid!" And that help. [/QUOTE]
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