Gag Me

[Hound dog]

I thought I had detachment 101 down pretty well. In just this short time I've learned there is so much more I have to learn........and it is so hard.

I'd already guessed Nichole was sleeping with bff's husband.........quite a while back, but her bringing him to the movies cinched it for me. But was clinging to the hope that it wasn't true. Pop that hope bubble because she admitted it to easy child today. easy child said she looked smitten. Gag, choke, cough.

easy child warned her not to attempt to bring him to Easter dinner. She was welcome, but that man most certainly is not.

I think my daughter's brain went on Spring break. She most certainly isn't using it at all. easy child pointed out to her that Nichole herself had witnessed quite alot of his abuse of bff........alot of verbal, emotional, mental. What was she thinking?? Just breezed right over the kid's head.

So I have a constant battle going on with myself. I want to handle the situation myself. If I did there would be no more problem. Then there is the rational side that knows she has got to learn this lesson herself. And then I just get so digusted.........I want to vomit.

I thank God above the man can't get her pregnant at least.

BUT (told you there are alot of buts in my life recently) Nichole still has never started her period. She's going to the doctor for another blood test. She hinted to easy child she believes it's Jerk Man's. I told you her brain has left her. If she is, it's ex boyfriend's. How's that for things maybe becoming even more complicated??

She told easy child she is afraid to tell me. Gee? I wonder why that would be?? Hmmmmm. Let me think.....

When she does find the courage..........she will get an ear full. Mom happens to be very unhappy. And she will discover just how unhappy I am. You jump from one jerk to an even bigger jerk who's also dangerous as hades, toss your child aside to take on his two kids.........Nope. Doesn't wash with me. Sure she can do as she pleases, she's an "adult" making her own decisions. BUT that doesn't mean I have to like it or even pretend to tolerate it.

On her fb she was wondering if she should start calling his house "home". Ugh Home it may be......but there won't be anyone moving her belongings to this new home, and bff's husband steps a foot on my property and I'll call the cops. Naw, forget the cops. I'll let Molly have some fun. She's always hated the man anyway. And only I can call her off when I've told her to attack.

Yes, I'm being a *itch. So be it. She was raised better than this. This jerk has no morals. None.

I'm finding it hard to detach, in case you couldn't tell. I keep telling myself she has to learn for herself. She has to grow up. Ex boyfriend was the only real boyfriend she ever had. (I don't count those 48 hr romances of Jr High)

Her naivety is amazing me. I thought she was so much smarter than this. She can't even see that he's already started controlling her. She can't make plans without checking HIS schedule, she can't go anywhere without him. Next, she won't be allowed to go anywhere. Because he'll be certain she's cheating and he'll badger her about it non stop. She'll have to ask his permission to leave the house. I know been there done that with bff.

It's been just over 2 weeks. I know bff's husband too well. It won't be long now before the "honeymoon" phase ends. He can't keep the super nice guy routine going for long. So I'm still hoping Nichole's temper will jolt her back to reality and she'll see him for what he really is.

I wonder how long she's going to keep trying to avoid me? Hmmm.

 

[everywoman]

Ugh, yuck, and d@@@! I so wish it wasn't true. Jana too has broken up with boyfriend---who we all love, and I'm so afraid of where she'll head next. This guy had some growing up to do, but he is a great young man---was raised with a chauvinist father, but had enough youth in him to outgrow it. Now...I'm so worried because she has not had the best taste in men....Hope Nicole wakes up sooner rather than later.

 

[KTMom91]

Hugs.

 

[DammitJanet]

Good grief. Nicole is simply not being rationale. She missed her period and thought she was pregnant well before this whole bff/ex-boyfriend fiasco. Think girl think. Use your noggin. It cant be jerk man. Of course, I dont trust any man who says he has had a vasectomy unless I was there to see the operation. Or see the results of the insurance claim. That better be an original too!

 

[AnnieO]

Just lots of {{{{{HUGS}}}}}.

 

[Suz]

Lord have mercy.

Hugs, L.

Suz

 

[Hound dog]

Janet

I know for a fact bff's husband got a vasectomy. It was shortly after the younger boy was born. Remember, this family lived right across the street and we were there everyday. (think Lucy and Vivian from I Love Lucy) He decided to get it done because he wasn't going to risk having to pay child support for more than 2 kids. I was even present when he showed her the tests results 6 wks later showing his absent sperm count and then again at 6 mos and a year. I saw the darn things myself. Why, cuz he was rubbing it in to bff that she would have no more kids by him.

So if Nichole is pregnant, there is no way it's bff's husband. He did all his follow thru appointments and came up neg for sperm each time. Unlike my husband who refused to do the follow up appointments so we didn't know that it didn't take until I became pregnant with Nichole. I am praying really hard there is no pregnancy. This is complicated enough without that being added to the situation.

How do you move in with a guy that you know is an abuser, that you not just know he is, but you've seen it and heard it over a period of years?? Simply blows my mind. And how on earth do you possibly get past the fact that you looked up to this "man" as a father/uncle type figure during a majority of your childhood to go to bed with him??? ick ick ick ick ick !!!!! I just can't wrap my mind around those 2 concepts. Nichole was not raised in an abusive home. husband (while he can be a jerk in other ways) treats me with the upmost respect because I won't tolerate anything less.............. I might be able to empathize a bit if she'd jumped into a relationship with some guy she just met to discover he was this way.........Happens sometimes. But to deliberately walk into such a relationship?? Her mind has simply taken vacation, along with her morals. ugh

 

[Star*]

Signs of an Abusive Personality

by Lydia Walker
Many women are interested in knowing if there are any warning signs that someone is an abuser. There is no typical victim or perpetrator. Any woman can be battered regardless of age, race, nationality, sexual orientation, educational background, or income. Battering almost always occurs with a man abusing a woman. However, violence can exist in other domestic relationships as well; lesbian battering and older parents beaten by their adult children are examples.*

Below is a list of behaviors seen in people who beat their partners. If the person has three or more of these behaviors, there's indeed a strong potential for physical violence. In some cases, a batterer might have only a couple of behaviors that are quite strong (e.g., extreme jealousy). In the beginning of a relationship, the batterer will try to 'explain' these behaviors as 'love' and 'concern'. However, as time goes on, these behaviors become more extreme and serve to establish, keep, and strengthen power and control over the victim.

*The use of 'he' for the abuser and 'she' for the victim is used to facilitate reading and to emphasize the circumstances of most battering. This wording is not meant to discount the various situations in which domestic violence occurs.

JEALOUSY: At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will say jealousy is a sign of love; jealousy has nothing to do with love, it's a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. The abuser will question the woman about to whom she talks, accuse her of flirting, or be jealous of the time she spends with family, friends, and/or children. As the 'jealous' behavior progresses, the abuser may call her frequently or unexpectedly drop by her home/workplace. The abuser may refuse to let her work saying he's 'afraid' she'll meet someone else, or he may do strange things such as checking her car mileage or asking friends to watch her.

CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR: At first, the batterer may say this behavior is because of concern for the woman's safety and well being. The abuser will be angry if the woman is 'late' coming back from somewhere and will closely question her about where she went, to whom she spoke, etc. As this behavior gets worse, the abuser may not let the woman make personal decisions about the house, her clothing, or going to church/temple; he may keep all the money or even make her ask permission to leave the house or the room.

QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Most battered women dated or knew the abuser for less than six months (many for less than three months) before they were married, living together, or engaged. An abuser comes on like a whirlwind claiming 'you're the only person I've ever been able to talk to', 'I've never felt loved like this by anyone'. The abuser will pressure the woman to commit to the relationship in such a way that later she may feel very guilty or feel she is 'letting him down' if she wants to slow down involvement or break off the relationship.

UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all of their needs; the abuser expects the woman to be the perfect wife, mother, lover, and friend; abusers will say things like 'if you love me, I'm all you need—you're all I need'. She is supposed to take care of everything for the abuser emotionally and in the home. No matter how efficient/good she is, however, she is never good enough.

ISOLATION: The abusive person tries to cut the woman off from all resources and supports. If she has men friends, she's a '*****'; if she has women friends, she's a 'lesbian'; if she's close to her family, she's 'tied to the apron strings'. The abuser accuses people who are the woman's supports of 'causing trouble'. The abuser may want to live in the country without a phone, may not let the woman use the car or have one that is reliable, or may try to keep the woman from working, going to school, or going to spiritual/religious meetings.

BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS: If the abuser is chronically unemployed, someone is 'out to get him', someone is always trying to do him wrong. The abuser may make mistakes and then blame the woman for upsetting him or keeping him from concentrating. The abuser will tell the woman she is at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.

BLAMES OTHERS FOR FEELINGS: The abuser will tell the woman 'you make me mad', 'you're hurting me by not doing what I tell you', 'I can't help being angry'. The abuser really makes the decision about what he thinks and feels, but will use 'feelings' to manipulate the woman. Less obvious are claims such as 'only you can make me happy, and 'you control how I feel'.

HYPERSENSITIVITY: An abuser is easily insulted, claming his feelings are hurt when he is really mad, or taking the slightest setbacks as personal attacks. The abuser will rant and rave about the injustice of things that happen—things that are really just a part of life, like being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being told a behavior is annoying, being expected/asked to help with chores.

CRUELTY TO ANIMALS AND/OR CHILDREN: An abuser often brutally punishes animals, is insensitive to their pain and suffering, and/or may kill them. The abuser may expect children to do things beyond their ability (spanks a two year old for wetting their diaper). The abuser may not want children to eat at the table or will expect them to stay in their room all evening when he's at home.

'PLAYFUL' USE OF FORCE IN SEX: An abuser may like to throw the woman down or hold her down during sex. He may want to act out fantasies during sex in which the woman is helpless and will let the woman know the idea of rape is exciting. The abuser may show little concern about whether the woman wants to have sex and will use sulking behavior to manipulate her or anger to pressure her into compliance. The abuser may start having sex with the woman while she is sleeping or demand sex when she is ill or tired.

VERBAL ABUSE: In addition to saying things meant to be cruel and hurtful, this can be seen when the abuser degrades the woman, curses her, and/or runs down her accomplishments. The abuser will tell the woman she is stupid and unable to function without him. This may involve waking the woman up to verbally abuse her or not letting her sleep.

RIGID SEX ROLES: The abuser may expect the woman to serve him, perhaps saying the woman must stay at home or saying she must obey in all things---even things criminal in nature. The abuser will see women as inferior, responsible for menial tasks, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.

DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE: Many women are confused by their abuser's 'sudden' mood changes---they may think the abuser has some mental problem because one minute the abuser is really nice and the next minute he's exploding. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who abuse their partners; these behaviors serve to intimidate and frighten the victim and are reflections of the abuser's alternate use of threat and manipulation to establish and maintain power and control.

PAST BATTERING: An abuser may say he's hit women in the past, but it was the woman's fault or it was only one time. The woman may hear from relatives or ex-partners the person is abusive. A batterer will beat any woman he is with if the woman is with him long enough for control to be established and violence to begin; situational circumstances do not make a person abusive.

THREATS OF VIOLENCE: This includes any threat of physical force meant to control the woman: 'I'll slap your mouth off', 'I'll break your neck', 'I'll make you sorry you were ever born', 'I'll kill you'. Non-violent people do not talk like this to their partners, but batterers will try to excuse these kinds of threats by saying 'everybody talks like that'.

STRIKING OR BREAKING OBJECTS: This behavior can be used as punishment (breaking loved possessions), but mostly it is used to terrorize the woman into submission. The abuser may beat on tables with his fist, throw objects around or near the woman, or put his hand through the wall. Again, this is very remarkable behavior and should never be minimized---there is great danger when someone thinks they 'have the right' to punish or frighten a partner.

ANY FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT: This may involve a batterer holding a woman down, physically restraining her from leaving a room, or pushing/shoving her. The abuser may hold the woman against the wall and say 'you're going to stand here and listen to me'! Many batterers in an attempt to deny or minimize past abuse will 'tell stories' in which they 'had to sit on a woman or hold her down' 'for her own good'. These behaviors are found in the second level of the progression of abuse in domestic violence.

 

[Star*]

I'm currently looking for my copy of "Why she stays."


The #1 answers are : BECAUSE HE WOULDN'T BE 'THAT' WAY WITH ME - his problems before were because of (his job, his wife, his boss, his girlfriend) I'm not that way so he won't be like that with me.

BECAUSE WE ARE IN LOVE -

BECAUSE I CAN CHANGE HIM -

THEN EVENTUALLY - HAPPENS and there's more answers but I have to find my folder. It's a powerful POWERFUL read for any woman facing what Nicole thinks she is NOT facing, but if she reads it now? It may just stick in her head for later.

I'm so sorry HD. The funny thing (not humorous) is if this guy had himself cut so that he wouldn't have to support any more kids, and Nicole is pregnant? I think this could end up working itself out without you saying much - Know what I mean?? He's selfish, and he's not going to want to hear a baby crying, diapers, and spend HIS dead wifes SSI checks for the 2 boys on HER newborn and Aubrey. That money is for HIM, not Him, 2 boys, Nicole, her daughter and some other guys baby. And as far as his paycheck? Wow yeah - I can't see THAT going too far either and Nicole likes things - so this may just work itself out in the end without you getting all over N and loosing your lunch.

Besides if he's all about the looks and the wild nights and stuff - a pregnant woman's looks arent' going to be what he's after anyway. Trist, trist, trist.

 

[Hound dog]

Starbie......I'm hoping you're right. Honestly, knowing him like I do, I'm pretty darn sure you are.

Nichole sent me a PM confessing all. Obviously not grown up enough to do it the right way. I was in the middle of writing her a scathing one back when sister in law interrupted me. I was invited to the Newport Aquarium with them this afternoon. So I hit cancel and headed out the door. I was mad as heck while writing it so it's probably a good thing I did that.

husband says she called while I was gone and said she'd call back. Guess I'll call her. I'm going to have to rethink all the things I'd like to say, which seriously would cut like a knife true or not. So we'll see how it turns out.

Guess what I learned today??

boyfriend had been saving money secretly for an engagement ring. He was planning to propose to Nichole on his graduation night. (in august) That way it would be the most perfect night of his life.

Talk about Irony.

 

[KTMom91]

How sad for boyfriend and Nichole. Do you think there's any chance they can work things out?

 

[Hound dog]

Mary, honestly at this point.........I haven't a clue. She's devastated him. He could be a class A jerk.......but most of his issues stemmed from a control freak Mom and being spoiled rotten. He at least had the "potential" for change.

I can't seem to pick up the phone to call Nichole. I've been working out what to say by typing it out.......and all the rage I feel at her pure bonafide difficult child behavior comes pouring out. Tact is not coming easily to me this evening. easy child and sister in law think I should tell her that if she'd just been a little more patient that she'd have had her wedding. But I'm not so sure that's a good idea. One, I know how deep that will cut her. Two.......well, what good would it serve?

But as I was working out what to say and how to say it.........I discovered that I'm just as furious over the difficult child way she handled this entire mess as I am who she chose to sleep with. Maybe more. And I'm absolutely enraged that there are 3 innocent children who have be dragged into this "relationship". Bff's boys are continuing to be traumatized by the actions of a parent. Not only did their father hop into bed with another woman right after he buried their mother (doesn't matter a bit they were separated), but it was with a person they've always known as family.......worse yet, someone they used to freakin' PLAY with everyday! Oh, yeah. I'm so sure that's doing their mental health a world of good. And Aubrey who has had her life turned upside down and inside out and now gets a visiting Mommy instead of a Mommy who mothers her. Makes me want to beat the living snot out of both of them for being so selfish and self centered.

Perhaps I'd better hold off on that PM and phone call for a bit.

medications would be such a good thing right now, except I can't think on them. This is distracting the heck out of me at school. I'm not sleeping. I'm going to need a padded room myself if this keeps up.