God grant me the serenity, I need it now more than ever - Update
- Thread starter Nancy
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Ephchap
Active Member
Nancy. Ughh. That was my first reaction. As DDD said, you find yourself more optimistic when they've been sober/drug free for a bit. You're afraid to hope, but you do. We always hope. I know for me, after we thought difficult child was doing okay because he had kicked the drugs but then bottomed out with alcohol, it's such a devastating blow because we've been through it already; we know how things are going to be; we had lived semi-peacefully and knew we couldn't go through it all again.
I know how devastated you must be. It's just so dang frustrating and upsetting knowing they are sabotaging themselves.
Sending hugs, my friend. Wish there were some magic words to take away the hurt. I've been there.
Deb
I know how devastated you must be. It's just so dang frustrating and upsetting knowing they are sabotaging themselves.
Sending hugs, my friend. Wish there were some magic words to take away the hurt. I've been there.
Deb
S
Signorina
Guest
Nancy, I really hesitate writing this. And if it's the wrong thing to write, please use your magic moderator "delete" button and vanquish it from the universe.
I know you are hurt and angry and I know that those feelings are heightened 100x by the anxiety and fear of your daughter spiraling out of control yet again and all the things that go with it. So many of us have walked the walk of things getting worse followed by worse-er and we deal with the knowledge that every downward sign is often the beginning of another big drop. So I am not discounting that in any way. And I acknowledge and honor your feelings of disgust and betrayal and worry.
That said; she's keeping it together. I know that may be just for now; gotcha. But she is keeping it together. And working and doing well at work. And she returned the dog. These are all good things she has done and she owns. And I do not mean to suggest that they outweigh the other - no way. But, you have always been so good about reminding us that rehab is a process, that it often takes repeated treatments, that with each relapse and recovery, they learn a little more, build a little higher ground to start from next time.
So that is what I am reminding you right now. She is on a precipitous path - but it's not the darkness that it was a year ago. And yes, be wary and be ready and DETACH. And lean on us. But it's clear she has learned and grown since then and that growth maybe overshadowed, but it will not be lost forever. Believe in that when you cannot & should not believe in her.
And know I care very deeply.
And most of all, take care of you. Please, pretty please. You are a dear friend,
XXOO
I know you are hurt and angry and I know that those feelings are heightened 100x by the anxiety and fear of your daughter spiraling out of control yet again and all the things that go with it. So many of us have walked the walk of things getting worse followed by worse-er and we deal with the knowledge that every downward sign is often the beginning of another big drop. So I am not discounting that in any way. And I acknowledge and honor your feelings of disgust and betrayal and worry.
That said; she's keeping it together. I know that may be just for now; gotcha. But she is keeping it together. And working and doing well at work. And she returned the dog. These are all good things she has done and she owns. And I do not mean to suggest that they outweigh the other - no way. But, you have always been so good about reminding us that rehab is a process, that it often takes repeated treatments, that with each relapse and recovery, they learn a little more, build a little higher ground to start from next time.
So that is what I am reminding you right now. She is on a precipitous path - but it's not the darkness that it was a year ago. And yes, be wary and be ready and DETACH. And lean on us. But it's clear she has learned and grown since then and that growth maybe overshadowed, but it will not be lost forever. Believe in that when you cannot & should not believe in her.
And know I care very deeply.
And most of all, take care of you. Please, pretty please. You are a dear friend,
XXOO
Sig you couldn't say anything out of place. I wish I could believe what you said but she is drinking/smoking constantly when not working according to what I've read so it's only a matter of time before she doesn't show for work and gets fired. She is very involved with two guys who are friends with this guy in the navy, they are living at her apartment. They drink/smoke pot all day. She returned that dog but brought home another one yesterday, just as big but not pit bull this time. She has been covering up and lying about being sober for quite a while now. She does not go to any AA meetings and has no contact with any of her sober friends anymore.
We got auto insurance rates and will put the car in her name and off our insurance this week. She is nowhere near any kind of recovery program and I suspect she will crash and burn soon.
I have nothing encouraging or hopeful to say, I wish I did.
We are no further now than we were last year at this time.
Nancy
We got auto insurance rates and will put the car in her name and off our insurance this week. She is nowhere near any kind of recovery program and I suspect she will crash and burn soon.
I have nothing encouraging or hopeful to say, I wish I did.
We are no further now than we were last year at this time.
Nancy
Nancy- I am so sorry. I am no expert in this area at all, but I have heard therapists, trained in addictions and recovery (in my Codependency recovery group) mention more then once to those parents whose kids are substance abusers, that once they have some recovery, each time they relapse, the recovery "messes up their highs." My understanding of that is that relapse is the way it goes quite often, but the addict enjoys the highs less because they have some recovery under their belts. Now they know too much. I think what Sig said is really true, but I get how disappointing and frustrating it is for you. I can imagine how horrible you feel right now, having gone through this before. That part I know about, personally. I am so sorry. Sending you lots of nurturing thoughts, kindness, blessings and hugs.
Mattsmom277
Active Member
Nancy, I am so sorry to see this update. Sorry for your daughters poor decision making. Sorry for your pain and disappointment. No move she makes will stop my continued prayers for her to find her straight and narrow and healthy path. However when she is making all the wrong choices, I am saying extra prayers for you. Being a loved one on the sideline is not a place I would want anybody to be. I'm incredibly impressed by all you have done and what you have instilled in her. You have done your part and you can still love her not a wit less and yet I hope you know it is okay to move on in your life. It is okay to let her live her natural consequences. More importantly for you, it is okay to put this in a pain wrapped box and let yourself release it to the universe and let yourself move past the pain of her choices and move back into finding your joy again. Free from her antics or games or promises or set backs. It is not a failure on your part to step right away and put all that attention in finding your own life peace again. In fact, likely it is advisable. I think it must be tough to really release our children under these circumstances. It just seems to be so unfair that while she sinks her ship, she can also sink yours.
You're a wonderful woman. I know you will get through this. Remember it is okay to grieve the loss of your dreams for her. When she gets her feet firmly back on the ground you can always find those dreams ago. My caring suggestion is to love her. But put those energies into things to being yourself peace and balance. He has a ton of prayers from so many of us to work on her behalf so you can permit yourself to release this. You always cope so well. I know that when this fresh pain is given time to lessen its grip, you are going to move ahead in a healthy fashion. You always do, thus the admiration from all of your friends here. Meanwhile, hugs and peaceful healing thoughts
You're a wonderful woman. I know you will get through this. Remember it is okay to grieve the loss of your dreams for her. When she gets her feet firmly back on the ground you can always find those dreams ago. My caring suggestion is to love her. But put those energies into things to being yourself peace and balance. He has a ton of prayers from so many of us to work on her behalf so you can permit yourself to release this. You always cope so well. I know that when this fresh pain is given time to lessen its grip, you are going to move ahead in a healthy fashion. You always do, thus the admiration from all of your friends here. Meanwhile, hugs and peaceful healing thoughts
Nancy - I don't usually post on this forum, because I haven't walked in your shoes as a parent... but... I did grow up with a difficult child bro, who put us all through many layers of this. And I just wanted to add to the others... that really, you don't know where she's at right now compared to a year ago. On the outside, it may look the same... on the inside? only she knows, IF anyone knows. But BRO told us later... each taste of being clean and sober made a difference to the person inside... it's a long battle. And its REALLY tough on Moms.
Look after yourself. Allow yourself to be angry - in private. Allow yourself to cry - in private. Come along here as often as you need to as you work through your own feelings and thoughts.
{{hugs}}
T
toughlovin
Guest
Oh Nancy,
I wish I could just wrap you up in a real life hug!!! I guess a virtual one will have to do. My heart sank when I got on and saw the subject line. It is such an awful feeling to be disappointed again and to know you have been conned once again. As others have said my hope is that the periods of recovery she has had will hopefully steer her in that direction again sooner. She has hit bottom before and she will hit it again. My guess is it won't be long before she does that crash and burn and hopefully now she knows the way to pick herself up and find recovery again.
One thing I have learned from attending theh alanon meeting I go to.... is that this may in fact be a lifetime process. We all hope that our kids will somehow magically get it this time.... and so when they are doing well we hope this is it. I know I do that with my son. However I have met a number of parents at alanon whose kids were sober and in recovery for a good amount of time and then relapsed. I think this will always be a worry for us and they may never truly get it.
That thought is a very scary one for us as their mothers.... but what it means is we need to find a way to take care of ourselves, go on with our lives, to find ways to be happy in spite of the terrible choices our kids make and the terrible consequences they sometimes face. I have gotten hope from parents whose kids are still serious drug addicts who have found ways to still have fulfilling lives.
I was in church the other day (I am not really a religious person) and during one of the hymns it hit me that life is about what I am like as a person, it is about what I give to the world... it is not really about what happens to me or about what other people (including my son) does. It is about what I give and who I am. Not sure if that makes sense as it is still just the beginning of an epiphany for me.
I am thinking of you.......and sending many many good vibes for you and your own healing from the pain of all of this.
TL
I wish I could just wrap you up in a real life hug!!! I guess a virtual one will have to do. My heart sank when I got on and saw the subject line. It is such an awful feeling to be disappointed again and to know you have been conned once again. As others have said my hope is that the periods of recovery she has had will hopefully steer her in that direction again sooner. She has hit bottom before and she will hit it again. My guess is it won't be long before she does that crash and burn and hopefully now she knows the way to pick herself up and find recovery again.
One thing I have learned from attending theh alanon meeting I go to.... is that this may in fact be a lifetime process. We all hope that our kids will somehow magically get it this time.... and so when they are doing well we hope this is it. I know I do that with my son. However I have met a number of parents at alanon whose kids were sober and in recovery for a good amount of time and then relapsed. I think this will always be a worry for us and they may never truly get it.
That thought is a very scary one for us as their mothers.... but what it means is we need to find a way to take care of ourselves, go on with our lives, to find ways to be happy in spite of the terrible choices our kids make and the terrible consequences they sometimes face. I have gotten hope from parents whose kids are still serious drug addicts who have found ways to still have fulfilling lives.
I was in church the other day (I am not really a religious person) and during one of the hymns it hit me that life is about what I am like as a person, it is about what I give to the world... it is not really about what happens to me or about what other people (including my son) does. It is about what I give and who I am. Not sure if that makes sense as it is still just the beginning of an epiphany for me.
I am thinking of you.......and sending many many good vibes for you and your own healing from the pain of all of this.
TL
I'm back among the living 
. I can't tell you all what your words have meant to me. I teared up at each and every post. It's almost a spiritual experience to read your comments and know how intertwined our lives are through this computer screen. The pain doesn't ever end, it lessens a little at times when our difficult child's are doing well and then it becomes devastating when they relapse.
I haven't heard from difficult child since yesterday morning when I texted her to tell her I knew ahe was drinking and using and that I couldn't believe she would allow me to take her shopping and buy her all those things for her apartment knowing we believed she was sober and following the program. I know she is drinking constantly and brags about being f'd up all the time.
I have taken what everyone has said and I am trying my hardest to follow your advice. I am putting this in a box and release it out there where it can't hurt me. I've intentionally pushed thoughts out of my head of what was and what could be and what isn't, I can't let myself go there, it's too dark a place. I know I deserve to have a good life and I'm going to do the best I can to make the most of that. I grew up in an alcoholic home and use to wonder what I did to deserve to live with that chaos and vowed never to allow that to affect my life once I left, and here I am right back into it. So I ask my higher power wasn't once good enough, I have to live this twice?
And I will never give up hope, I will to my dying day hope that difficult child gets sober and stays sober. But I am not going to live my life waiting for that to happen. I have slowly over the past year separated myself from her life, detached I guess, accepting that things will never be the way I hoped and dreamed they would, and somehow putting the pain further and further away. I use to not be able to go out to dinner with husband without crying. husband and I have a favorite little neighborhood restaurant we often go to and we sit at the bar and eat and chat with peope who have been coming there for years. I swear the bartenders think I'm a flake because there was a time when I just cried through my entire meal. But I don't do that anymore.
I suppose relapsing as many times as she has, has hardened me a bit, makes it a little easier each time. The hard part will be when she hits bottom again and reaches out for help. I'm not sure there is any more help I can give. But I will keep hoping and praying. I told husband yesterday that the hardest thing for me is to accept that she doesn't want to live her life the way we do, she has very different standards for herself. I see how she lives, where she lives, and it's what I worked my butt off to get away from, but she is content and so I have to stop thinking she needs me to rescue her, she likes living this way.
So again, thank you all for your kind and loving words. I cherish them all.
Nancy
. I can't tell you all what your words have meant to me. I teared up at each and every post. It's almost a spiritual experience to read your comments and know how intertwined our lives are through this computer screen. The pain doesn't ever end, it lessens a little at times when our difficult child's are doing well and then it becomes devastating when they relapse.I haven't heard from difficult child since yesterday morning when I texted her to tell her I knew ahe was drinking and using and that I couldn't believe she would allow me to take her shopping and buy her all those things for her apartment knowing we believed she was sober and following the program. I know she is drinking constantly and brags about being f'd up all the time.
I have taken what everyone has said and I am trying my hardest to follow your advice. I am putting this in a box and release it out there where it can't hurt me. I've intentionally pushed thoughts out of my head of what was and what could be and what isn't, I can't let myself go there, it's too dark a place. I know I deserve to have a good life and I'm going to do the best I can to make the most of that. I grew up in an alcoholic home and use to wonder what I did to deserve to live with that chaos and vowed never to allow that to affect my life once I left, and here I am right back into it. So I ask my higher power wasn't once good enough, I have to live this twice?
And I will never give up hope, I will to my dying day hope that difficult child gets sober and stays sober. But I am not going to live my life waiting for that to happen. I have slowly over the past year separated myself from her life, detached I guess, accepting that things will never be the way I hoped and dreamed they would, and somehow putting the pain further and further away. I use to not be able to go out to dinner with husband without crying. husband and I have a favorite little neighborhood restaurant we often go to and we sit at the bar and eat and chat with peope who have been coming there for years. I swear the bartenders think I'm a flake because there was a time when I just cried through my entire meal. But I don't do that anymore.
I suppose relapsing as many times as she has, has hardened me a bit, makes it a little easier each time. The hard part will be when she hits bottom again and reaches out for help. I'm not sure there is any more help I can give. But I will keep hoping and praying. I told husband yesterday that the hardest thing for me is to accept that she doesn't want to live her life the way we do, she has very different standards for herself. I see how she lives, where she lives, and it's what I worked my butt off to get away from, but she is content and so I have to stop thinking she needs me to rescue her, she likes living this way.
So again, thank you all for your kind and loving words. I cherish them all.
Nancy
Calamity Jane
Well-Known Member
Well said, Nancy, so moving. I hope she's thinking about your conversation yesterday, and will grab hold of herself before she falls too far. For her sake especially, but also for yours.
T
toughlovin
Guest
Everything you say is so true Nancy....in some weird way every relapse plunges me into despair, but for shorter and shorter periods of time. Maybe it is because my realism is taking over enough that I don't get so hopeful. Of course my difficult child has not had much real recovery out of treatment like yours has.... but still I think it is the same principal.
I am glad you are among the living today.... having that day of despair just makes sense because it is so discouraging... but you are right we cant stay in that dark place. We have to keep living.
TL
I am glad you are among the living today.... having that day of despair just makes sense because it is so discouraging... but you are right we cant stay in that dark place. We have to keep living.
TL
rejectedmom
New Member
Welcome back Nancy. I am glad you are doing better and making an effort to enjoy your self. I too found that each time difficult child#2 relapsed or got into trouble it was less devastating for me. Less down time and more effort into finding joy to conteract the sadness he brought to my life. Am I numb? Maybe but I think it is more than that. I think I have finally learned to love me first. Not what I was raised to do so it was a hard lesson for me but a very necessary one given the circumstances of my life.
DDD
Well-Known Member
Glad to see you back, Nancy. So sorry you got the blocks knocked out from under you. I completely understand how difficult it is to accept their concepts of "good living". difficult child#1 is most comfortable in neighborhoods with extremely low expectations. on the other hand he's spent ten years plus hanging out with judgement free people of all ages and backgrounds. He puts on "his Rotary clothes" when going to easy child functions or out with us. He blends in fine but deep down he's more content in his other world. That's been a big detachment hurdle for me...but I'm getting there.
I think you're doing an awesome job. We all hope for a straight path but our difficult child's are attracted to all the curvy little side roads that come into view during the trip. It's like a giant "road trip" where we fully see the destination and the route to take...while our difficult child's see temptations that blur the goal. Glad you're back and feeling better. Hugs DDD
when going to easy child functions or out with us. He blends in fine but deep down he's more content in his other world. That's been a big detachment hurdle for me...but I'm getting there.I think you're doing an awesome job. We all hope for a straight path but our difficult child's are attracted to all the curvy little side roads that come into view during the trip. It's like a giant "road trip" where we fully see the destination and the route to take...while our difficult child's see temptations that blur the goal. Glad you're back and feeling better. Hugs DDD
