Goneboy update....a sad one for my ex

[BusynMember]

Goneboy, now 41, is a man that ex and I adopted from a foreign orphanage at age six. He had an inability to bond to a family due to his lack of nurturing in the orphanage. But he was/is brilliant and appears very personable. Very handsome too. Has many gifts....just a crap start in life.

It was enough. Being parentless with no steady caregiver in an orphanage for six years means he spent his formative years without love. And that is significant. And very sad. I get why he is the way he is.

Goneboy always felt badly about being an orphan, as he called himself. His self esteem was very low in spite of his gifts. He always needed to be the best, have the most. These are not bad traits. But he was close to Princess for a while and she describes him this way. "He is like a robot. He has no emotions. No feelings."

He kind of uses and, from very young, always used money as his identity. He aced school. He skipped college but started up his own highly successful company and has always kind of looked down on us for not being rich. He used to mostly hang out with rich kids. He admired wealthy toys, big houses, fancy cars. He had two cats that he named Lexus and Mercedes.

But when Goneboy grew up with us, we were just working class. He had bigger plans and probably wished a more financially successful family had adopted him. He was savvy at making money from age 12 and saved every penny. He learned to build computers and had mentors.

And so we went on until Goneboy married. This was also after ex and I had gotten a friendly divorce. I remarried by then and had adopted Sonic and Jumper. All of our lives went on.

Goneboy eventually dumped all of us, except for my ex, who, after his mother had died, inherited a mint. As in lots and lots of money.
Except for ex, nobody has seen Goneboy in over a decade. Or his wife. Only ex met his two boys.

Backing up a little, I met Goneboy's wife but she gave both me and Princess a weird vibe. Hard to explain. She was from Goneboy's country of origin and not very Americanized but that was not it. But the few times we socialized with her we were all very nice to her.

But they both dsappeared soon after the weddng without explaining why.

Time went on. I grieved and got over it, like a death. Very similar. I got lots of therapy. I am fine about it today. He obviously had attachment problems. Life continued and got really good again.

Through the years ex, who is now rich, would be the only person Goneboy ever sees.

But ex would call me sometimes to complain about him. Goneboy was never around him much nor did he call much or see him much or EVER ask him over for any holiday. He didnt even call to wish him happy holidays.

This was ongoing. I never knew what to say. He was looking to me to comfort him over somebody whom I had loved to pieces but whom would no longer talk to me. I mostly listened.

Goneboy was around ex enough, with his two sons, for ex to keep him in his hefty will. In my heart I felt this was the only reason why Goneboy saw my ex at all. He had what Goneboy most admired....money. its not like Goneboy saw anyone else.

Time marches on.

My ex is older now and not healthy and tried to reach Goneboy this year from before Thanksgiving until Christmas with no response. This is after Goneboy had recently called ex to ask for $100,000 to help him buy land for his dream home in a very wealthy Chicago suburb.

Goneboy is a millionaire on his own. But it is never enough. He used the argument to ex that his wife's family already gave $100,000. Ex never believed that her parents did that or even had enough money to gift that. He was upset by the request.
After ex firmly turned him down, he stopped hearing from Goneboy. And it alarmed him and very much upset him.

Ex recently wrote him out of his will. He is very sad about feeling he has to do this. I am sure it is even harder for him than it was for me to lose him and it was HARD for me.

I feel really badly for ex. Although Goneboy only bothered to see him a few times a year, he was ex's favorite for a very long time.

Sometimes ex had warned Goneboy by email that he would disinherit him if he doesnt hear from him soon and Goneboy always called pronto. This time he didnt send a warning and just talked it over with his brother, whom he really looks up to and goes to for advice.

His brother told him that he was being treated like #$&@ and that if it were him he would cut him off. His brother was outraged by the behaviors ex described. I have no idea what they really discussed...not the details. Probably worse treatment than anyone but they know.

Whether ex changes his mind if Goneboy finds out and quickly contacts him, nobody can guess. But this is the first time me and the other kids realize just how little Goneboy sees his father. My ex is very isolated so I feel terrible about it. My daughter Princess tries to see him with Baby at least once a week. She is his only constant visitor.

My ex is very different type of person, but he isnt a bad man. I am so sorry that Goneboy did this to him. Ex's only other close relatives are Princess, his brother who doesnt live that close to him, and Bart and his son who live in St. Louis. He has NO friends. No SO. Very much a loner. And alone. And I am sure he now feels more alone.

I am going to give him a call.

Well....just a sad vent. Thanks for listening.

 

[Nomad]

People who are primarily motivated by money and have blinders on to all else seem very unhealthy to me.

My father was largely like this. Ironically, usually such people make a lot of money, but he had so many other issues that he didn’t do all that well there either. However, when my mother died, he did very well with saving since he was very frugal and didn’t want to spend any money on anyone. So, although he didn’t have “big” money, he did ok. He also didn’t get along with others.

Yes, the story is sad.

 

[BusynMember]

I dont blame Goneboy. Where he came from, and he lived there for six years, not having a DNA family name was a real shame on a child. At the same time back then mothers who raised children unwed were not treated as good people and the kids were ostracized so adoption was maybe the only choice. For both.

However people in that country did not trust non DNA in their families so few adopted, especially boy children. The girls often had loving sponsors. Goneboy didnt.

When Goneboy moved here he decided to make sure he was respected. He figured out quickly that rich people get a lot of status and he wanted status. The town he is moving to, if he ever got the money for land, is one of the wealthiest in the suburbs of Chicago. To many it is a status zipcode.

I did not realize the intractible nature of attachment problems in most kids who never had nurturing early on. I thought we could love him enough and he would heal but that really is not how it works.

He knew he had an attachment disorder and told us. i suppose as time went on he searched the
Internet to figure out why he felt like he did. The internet brought new information. And he decided he had an attachment disorder.

While he said it was easy for him to form bonds witph peers, and it makes sense since he was closest to peers growing up, he added that he could not bond with parent figures or any authority figure. He said he felt as if he eould always have to be his own caregiver. He often expressed he didnt feel like he belonged anywhere. It was sad. He was sad. We tried to help him but was not a talker, would not accept hugs and wouldnt talk in therapy. As a person he wanted to do everything for himself and was very independent and aloof.

My adoptees who came as babies NEVER acted like him. They bonded just fine.

I dont blame Goneboy for his values or choices. Had we known more about attachment disorder we never would have adopted an older child. But you dont get schooled on.this while going through the adoption process and at the time we first adopted him, there was no internet for self learning. You relied on the very few books written about attachment. And I do mean very few. Attachment is still not well understood or studied as much as it needs to be

My ex would never listen to anything I learned. He adored Goneboy. He thought he was his special child. Its not a good thingtbut Goneboy was his Golden Child. The other kids complained that Dad loved him best. With my own background, this really upset me. This did contribute to our divorce.

Anyhow ex never would see the warnings of Goneboy's behavior....ex is very aloof too. For him this is normal.. I feel really bad about that. It sounds like Goneboy has been getting more and more remote from a man who has few people as it is.

Sonic and Jumper are MY kids with my current husband,not his kids.

I never blamed Goneboy for his life choices. I get it. He also went from an.extreme atheist as a young man to a very strong Christian....he is very strict about this and wont even swear or allow swearing in his home. And dont ask him about homosexuality. Our views on life due to his strict adherance to the Bible puts us at extreme odds there. Frankly many Christians would think he is too rigid. These differences surfaced before he took off. He argued with me over these things sometimes, getting red in the face from trying to change my views. I am very open minded and progressive and he felt I had to start going to HIS church which was never going to happen. Ex DID go to his church although ex was not as rigid as Goneboy.

Christianity has helped Goneboy feel a part of something bigger than all the stuff that was out of his control. He and his wife and kids are very active in church. I think this is very good for him. He is not a bad person. He had bad breaks and at least is a thriving as a law abiding person.

The main control over his life though seems to be a desire to be looked up to in the way many Americans do. I am not sure how close he is to his wife and kids. The very last time we spoke he was with his wife and both said Goneboy works 80 hours a week and is never home. Its his own company....I wondered if he couldnt work less to be with the family but just preferred being away. Things we will never know. Unasked. Unknown.

The one real issue I have with him is using my ex.He did and I am sure broke.his heart.

Thanks for your feedback.

 

[Nomad]

Using people is never ok.

Your post made me think again a tiny bit of my father.

His mom got pregnant at age 16. My father was taken from her and raised largely by his very ethnic grandparents on the fathers side. His father lived at home with them and my very young dad. I think he , my dad’s dad, was in his 20s. Sadly and shockingly, his father was killed. His grandparents freaked out and didn’t do well. My father also looked a lot like his father. His grandparents essentially became his parents and felt he could walk on water never disciplining him. To everyone’s shock, his mother when she became older, in her 20s , secured a good job and fought like heck to get him back. Which she did. But, he was a little older by then. She quickly discovered that if she tried to discipline him for any wrong doings/miabehaviors...he would get very angry with her. I think she often felt panicked the other grandparents or their relatives might try to get him back. My father became a narcissist. H also did not seem particularly attached to anyone.

 

[BusynMember]

You dont have to be adopted to have attachment problems, just no consistent nurturing, holding, touching, loving from infant to three. By one at least consistent caregiver. A contentious chaotic divorce when a baby is so little can cause a failure to thrive, which is an offshoot of attachment disorder. Your father may have had it. He was moved around a lot, never good for a child. Or the adult he will grow up to be. They can grow up to be horrible people. Many with attachment disorder sre out and out violent and dangerous with no empathy. The disorder often flies under the radar. Not enough mental health workers know about it so the person gets diagnosed with more well known disorders such as bipolar or Conduct Disorder. CD has similar behaviors. Bipolar is just the flavor of the day diagnosis when people are difficult. Its often not right. There are no blood tests yet for diagnosing.

I am sorry about your father, Nomad. But there is no excuse for abuse.

 

[Nomad]

Thank you SWOT. Wise. True.

So sad to read of these issues with Goneboy. I know you’ve been through a lot of heartache / pain for a long time now. (((Hugs)))

 

[BusynMember]

Yes, but it was so long ago and never met the little boys so dont miss them. I dont miss him either now. Life is good.

I really believe that hard times are lessons that make us stronger.

Thanks for your kind feedback.

 

[Tired out]

SWOT, I feel bad for your Ex. Trying to stay connected by financial strings wasn't a good plan though. Who wants someone who cares about them only because of financial gain? That is sad.
I hope your ex finds someone/thing satisfying to leave his money to. YOU are a good person to care about your ex and his feelings.

 

[BusynMember]

Thank you very much, Tired Out. I keep an eye on my ex because he IS pretty alone. But he is splitting his money between Bart and Princess.

My ex is very naive and I dont think that he realized he was being used for money. He certainly didnt WANT to believe it. And if Goneboy does call hereafter, Goneboy can probably talk him into believing he was just "too busy with work" to have contacted him. It is what he always says and ex wants to believe it. He then forgets that even Goneboy doesnt work on Thanksgiving and Christmas. He has celebrations, like everyone. He just never invites ex to join his family....

 

[susiestar]

It is an incredible shame that any child was treated the way Goneboy was before you adopted him. It always breaks my heart to hear about this. Sadly, we absolutely know that neglect does far more damage than abuse does. It actually creates neurological differences in the brain, from the last couple of studies I read about the effects of child neglect.

I am sorry your Ex is going through this pain. I do feel that it is better for him to have learned this now than later, or for the rest of the kids to learn about this after their father is gone. It would hurt and upset them greatly if Ex were to learn this near his end and be upset by it at that time.

You are a very sweet person to still care about your Ex this way. It is a testament to you and your values that you still care about him and worry about him years after the divorce. Not in a codependent way, but you probably Know what I mean?. I hope Goneboy doesn't cause problems for Bart and Princess after Ex dies. That would be a shame for them.