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Goneboy update....a sad one for my ex
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 744975" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I dont blame Goneboy. Where he came from, and he lived there for six years, not having a DNA family name was a real shame on a child. At the same time back then mothers who raised children unwed were not treated as good people and the kids were ostracized so adoption was maybe the only choice. For both.</p><p></p><p> However people in that country did not trust non DNA in their families so few adopted, especially boy children. The girls often had loving sponsors. Goneboy didnt.</p><p></p><p>When Goneboy moved here he decided to make sure he was respected. He figured out quickly that rich people get a lot of status and he wanted status. The town he is moving to, if he ever got the money for land, is one of the wealthiest in the suburbs of Chicago. To many it is a status zipcode.</p><p></p><p>I did not realize the intractible nature of attachment problems in most kids who never had nurturing early on. I thought we could love him enough and he would heal but that really is not how it works.</p><p></p><p>He knew he had an attachment disorder and told us. i suppose as time went on he searched the </p><p>Internet to figure out why he felt like he did. The internet brought new information. And he decided he had an attachment disorder.</p><p></p><p> While he said it was easy for him to form bonds witph peers, and it makes sense since he was closest to peers growing up, he added that he could not bond with parent figures or any authority figure. He said he felt as if he eould always have to be his own caregiver. He often expressed he didnt feel like he belonged anywhere. It was sad. He was sad. We tried to help him but was not a talker, would not accept hugs and wouldnt talk in therapy. As a person he wanted to do everything for himself and was very independent and aloof.</p><p></p><p>My adoptees who came as babies NEVER acted like him. They bonded just fine. </p><p></p><p>I dont blame Goneboy for his values or choices. Had we known more about attachment disorder we never would have adopted an older child. But you dont get schooled on.this while going through the adoption process and at the time we first adopted him, there was no internet for self learning. You relied on the very few books written about attachment. And I do mean very few. Attachment is still not well understood or studied as much as it needs to be</p><p></p><p>My ex would never listen to anything I learned. He adored Goneboy. He thought he was his special child. Its not a good thingtbut Goneboy was his Golden Child. The other kids complained that Dad loved him best. With my own background, this really upset me. This did contribute to our divorce.</p><p></p><p>Anyhow ex never would see the warnings of Goneboy's behavior....ex is very aloof too. For him this is normal.. I feel really bad about that. It sounds like Goneboy has been getting more and more remote from a man who has few people as it is.</p><p></p><p>Sonic and Jumper are MY kids with my current husband,not his kids. </p><p></p><p>I never blamed Goneboy for his life choices. I get it. He also went from an.extreme atheist as a young man to a very strong Christian....he is very strict about this and wont even swear or allow swearing in his home. And dont ask him about homosexuality. Our views on life due to his strict adherance to the Bible puts us at extreme odds there. Frankly many Christians would think he is too rigid. These differences surfaced before he took off. He argued with me over these things sometimes, getting red in the face from trying to change my views. I am very open minded and progressive and he felt I had to start going to HIS church which was never going to happen. Ex DID go to his church although ex was not as rigid as Goneboy. </p><p></p><p>Christianity has helped Goneboy feel a part of something bigger than all the stuff that was out of his control. He and his wife and kids are very active in church. I think this is very good for him. He is not a bad person. He had bad breaks and at least is a thriving as a law abiding person.</p><p></p><p>The main control over his life though seems to be a desire to be looked up to in the way many Americans do. I am not sure how close he is to his wife and kids. The very last time we spoke he was with his wife and both said Goneboy works 80 hours a week and is never home. Its his own company....I wondered if he couldnt work less to be with the family but just preferred being away. Things we will never know. Unasked. Unknown.</p><p></p><p>The one real issue I have with him is using my ex.He did and I am sure broke.his heart.</p><p></p><p>Thanks for your feedback.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 744975, member: 1550"] I dont blame Goneboy. Where he came from, and he lived there for six years, not having a DNA family name was a real shame on a child. At the same time back then mothers who raised children unwed were not treated as good people and the kids were ostracized so adoption was maybe the only choice. For both. However people in that country did not trust non DNA in their families so few adopted, especially boy children. The girls often had loving sponsors. Goneboy didnt. When Goneboy moved here he decided to make sure he was respected. He figured out quickly that rich people get a lot of status and he wanted status. The town he is moving to, if he ever got the money for land, is one of the wealthiest in the suburbs of Chicago. To many it is a status zipcode. I did not realize the intractible nature of attachment problems in most kids who never had nurturing early on. I thought we could love him enough and he would heal but that really is not how it works. He knew he had an attachment disorder and told us. i suppose as time went on he searched the Internet to figure out why he felt like he did. The internet brought new information. And he decided he had an attachment disorder. While he said it was easy for him to form bonds witph peers, and it makes sense since he was closest to peers growing up, he added that he could not bond with parent figures or any authority figure. He said he felt as if he eould always have to be his own caregiver. He often expressed he didnt feel like he belonged anywhere. It was sad. He was sad. We tried to help him but was not a talker, would not accept hugs and wouldnt talk in therapy. As a person he wanted to do everything for himself and was very independent and aloof. My adoptees who came as babies NEVER acted like him. They bonded just fine. I dont blame Goneboy for his values or choices. Had we known more about attachment disorder we never would have adopted an older child. But you dont get schooled on.this while going through the adoption process and at the time we first adopted him, there was no internet for self learning. You relied on the very few books written about attachment. And I do mean very few. Attachment is still not well understood or studied as much as it needs to be My ex would never listen to anything I learned. He adored Goneboy. He thought he was his special child. Its not a good thingtbut Goneboy was his Golden Child. The other kids complained that Dad loved him best. With my own background, this really upset me. This did contribute to our divorce. Anyhow ex never would see the warnings of Goneboy's behavior....ex is very aloof too. For him this is normal.. I feel really bad about that. It sounds like Goneboy has been getting more and more remote from a man who has few people as it is. Sonic and Jumper are MY kids with my current husband,not his kids. I never blamed Goneboy for his life choices. I get it. He also went from an.extreme atheist as a young man to a very strong Christian....he is very strict about this and wont even swear or allow swearing in his home. And dont ask him about homosexuality. Our views on life due to his strict adherance to the Bible puts us at extreme odds there. Frankly many Christians would think he is too rigid. These differences surfaced before he took off. He argued with me over these things sometimes, getting red in the face from trying to change my views. I am very open minded and progressive and he felt I had to start going to HIS church which was never going to happen. Ex DID go to his church although ex was not as rigid as Goneboy. Christianity has helped Goneboy feel a part of something bigger than all the stuff that was out of his control. He and his wife and kids are very active in church. I think this is very good for him. He is not a bad person. He had bad breaks and at least is a thriving as a law abiding person. The main control over his life though seems to be a desire to be looked up to in the way many Americans do. I am not sure how close he is to his wife and kids. The very last time we spoke he was with his wife and both said Goneboy works 80 hours a week and is never home. Its his own company....I wondered if he couldnt work less to be with the family but just preferred being away. Things we will never know. Unasked. Unknown. The one real issue I have with him is using my ex.He did and I am sure broke.his heart. Thanks for your feedback. [/QUOTE]
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