Guilty.....again

[Cora]

Hi,
I've been reading posts on here for quite a while. Finally signed up and now posting for first time. I've already tried to write something that
makes sense but deleted it.

All this concerns my son, in his early 40's.

There have been many years of lies and "technically" truths, jobless, homeless and petty crimes. Well, last year his "luck" ran out.
He got a six year sentence for B/E and residential burglary. He is up for parole and it was approved for sometime in November.
Since he has to have a place to go to, he wanted to use my address. He said he would change it the first time he met with a
parole officer. Change it to where I have no idea.
When corrections contacted me about letting him come here I refused. I said it would be better for everyone if he went to a reentry
program or transitional living or whatever it would be called. When son found out the refusal, he called to explain that he could
use my address and change it later (like I didn't understand). He practically demanded I change my answer.
I can't take the stress of dealing with him in my house, always waiting for the storm to hit. I really do want things to be different
for him but I don't want to be in the middle of "I can't find a place to go so I have to stay with you" trap.
I know my decision was harsh, but it was the best choice. I just feel guilty.........
":

 

[Deni D]

Cora, I don't think your decision was harsh at all. You can't save him but you can save yourself. What's harsh is that he seems to not be ready to step up for himself. But that's on him, no matter what his difficulties are.

If you were to agree that your home is his residence you very well might be stuck with him living with you while you go through months in the civil court to have him evicted. After who knows how many months, years, of putting up with his abuse. An absolute nightmare for you and no help for him. Even in jail he's demanding you do what he wants, seems he has no insight to his behavior, and thinks he can control you. The trouble with our adult children is they still see themselves as children who need/deserve protection. But they use adult bully tactics to get what they want, because they are in fact adults, as they wreck adult havoc on our lives and others.

I think your first answer was the best one for him and you,. If he's not willing to accept a reentry program then he is not ready to do what's needed of him to actually enter into society. He's asking you to deceive the authorities for him, not good.

We tend to put the guilt on ourselves, as if we take on what should be their guilt we can remove their sins. One thing we need to know is that misplaced guilt is our thing and gets us sucked in. My take is he can take on the responsibility of dealing with putting his life back together or not, but you cannot do it for him., as you know. And that's why you made the decision you did.

I wish I could take the feeling that spreads across your chest of guilt, hurt and despair away. You don't deserve it and you have no control of what a man decides to do about his life. I know you don't deserve it because you would not be here if you didn't care. Those who care do not do irreparable damage to their adult children.

 

[Cora]

Deni D,
Thank you for your reply, I almost cried reading it. It seemed to make more sense when you wrote it.
I saw it written somewhere or heard someone say. People will show you who they are and when they
do, believe them. I know this is true but it's still hard to accept.

 

[DazedandConfused]

Hi Cora,

I replied to your other thread, but in my search for wisdom and support, Deni D wrote this in her response to you that flew off the page and hit me right between the eyes.

The trouble with our adult children is they still see themselves as children who need/deserve protection. But they use adult bully tactics to get what they want, because they are in fact adults,

Your son expects you to allow him to use your address and to lie about it. From my perspective, not a harsh decision in the least. Given his age and behavioral history, it makes very good sense. He's in his 40s. My son is 27 and if I continue my behavior patterns with him, he will be in his 40s continuing to belittle, gaslight, and trash-talk about me. At 27 he believes he deserves my protection (though, he would claim I don't "support" him not "protect" him). He knows my emotional weaknesses and attempts to exploit them whenever he wants something. I am just now recognizing his narcissism rather than him just being immature, which he is very much so.

I am sorry for your struggles, but greatly appreciate you posted about them. It has been very helpful to me as I struggle to change my behavior with my son and break free from him.

 

[Cora]

Hello Dazed and Confused,
Sorry that your still here too. While I know I made the right choice I'm still doing the circle of thoughts and doubts.
"did I do this because it's easier for me? what if this time will be better? has he really figured out that rules really
do apply to him?" They aren't constant thought but still persistent. I haven't heard from him since he found out
I didn't agree with the plan. As far as I can tell from inmate webpage his parole date has not changed.
I hope you find a way to deal with your situation as I try to deal with mine.
Thank you for your post.

 

[WhoseDNAisTHAT]

Hi Cora,

Your story reads exactly as mine. My son is just out of jail, and he just married someone we have never met, in the last month or two. They are currently homeless. The phone calls never stop, from him, and his dad..... who keeps trying to rope me into going in half on a two week stay at an airbnb to get them off the street. I said no. Haven't slept in days. Where will.they go in two weeks? Who pays for it when they trash it? What if they don't leave? What will they eat for two weeks, and who pays for that?

My husband and I are aging out. Every dime we have right now needs to be saved, or we won't make it into retirement. If we aren't careful, we could end up homeless next. I won't risk it all for my uncaring, ungrateful, and abusive son.

But, that still doesn't help me sleep at night. Under my roof, in my comfortable bed, with my full tummy. While my child (40 yr old child), sleeps on the street.

None of us deserves this.

 

[Crayola13]

I think homeless shelters need to have accommodations for families. They usually divide the men and women. The children are kept with the women in most cases. It’s sad that a couple can’t stay together at a shelter, which is probably why your son and his new wife haven’t gone to one.

I hope the new wife is good for him, but it sounds as if she’s got her own problems. I hope she is committed to being drug-free/alcohol free because it might encourage him to do the same. My other concern is if she doesn’t use drugs and stays sober, will she get fed up and leave him if he doesn’t stop using or drinking. That would be enough to make him turn back to substances if he managed to stop.

 

[Carri]

Doing the right thing is often the hardest thing to do. I think you handled it perfectly. Take care of yourself. The last time my son came to live with me after getting out of prison it lasted ~ 3 weeks until he was back at it. Hiding my purse, medications, anything of any value. It’s no way to live in your own home. Stay strong momma!

 

[Cora]

I've tried several times to help son by letting him stay with me. Always the same result, won't/can't keep a job,
ignored all rules about staying here. I've done the hiding game too, it's hard to go to work everyday and worry
about who is in my house and what would be missing. Whenever he's around things disappear, his "friends" got to where
they wouldn't let him stay with them either. I feel relieved that he's not around right now, that sounds awful but it's
still true.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Cora,
I am so sorry for your need to be here, but glad that you have shared your story and received kindness and good advice.

Since he has to have a place to go to, he wanted to use my address. He said he would change it the first time he met with a
parole officer. Change it to where I have no idea.

I have had requests of this sort from my daughter, “supervised release” they called it. I had to say no as well. I had already promised myself that she would no longer be living with me. It would just end up more of the “same ole same ole”. Not going down that road again. It still doesn’t make it any easier to say no. In reality, my adult daughters never got better staying with us. They kept spiraling down and took us all with them.

When son found out the refusal, he called to explain that he could
use my address and change it later (like I didn't understand). He practically demanded I change my answer.

Ugh. The demands. Been there, done that, too. It’s hard Cora. But after so many years dealing with the craziness, I realized someone had to break the pattern. It wasn’t going to be my daughter, so it had to be me. I had to stand firm. Good for you in sticking with your very sane decision.

I can't take the stress of dealing with him in my house, always waiting for the storm to hit. I really do want things to be different
for him but I don't want to be in the middle of "I can't find a place to go so I have to stay with you" trap.

I understand that stress completely. This is your home, your sanctuary. When our wayward adult kids live with us, our homes become war zones. That’s unacceptable.

I know my decision was harsh, but it was the best choice. I just feel guilty.........

Your decision was not harsh. We have to see the writing on the wall and protect ourselves, our peace of mind, our homes. We are also helping our adult children to avail themselves of resources out there that will truly help them, instead of them helping themselves to our resources, taking advantage of us. That level of expectation, entitlement and disrespect does nothing to help them move forward.

Always the same result, won't/can't keep a job,
ignored all rules about staying here. I've done the hiding game too, it's hard to go to work everyday and worry about who is in my house and what would be missing. Whenever he's around things disappear,

Hiding valuables, sleeping with car keys because we locked our wallets and what not in the car. The list goes on. I had two heirloom rings from my Nana go missing. ( Had those since childhood and wanted to pass down to my granddaughter.) It was absolute insanity. Came home from work one day to find my eldest daughters street friends just hanging out. More than once. There are so many more instances where I felt like my home and life were hijacked by my two wayward daughters choices.

I feel relieved that he's not around right now, that sounds awful but it's
still true.

It does sound awful, but I feel the same way. We are not dealing with ordinary circumstances, because of our adult children’s lifestyles. It makes perfect sense to set healthy boundaries for ourselves, and them. One saying that helps me sort through and process the emotions of dealing with two adult daughters making terrible choices is this “What you allow, will continue.” I still have to work really hard at drawing the line. But, as time passes I am learning to cope a little better, to feel less guilt about saying no. Love says no. Strengthening ourselves, shifting focus and changing relationship patterns is imperative for our own physical and mental health. Our children are adults and will do as they please. They have established that with their actions. We have no control over their choices, but we do have control over our own response. Living a life of fear, obligation and guilt is not acceptable. It’s no way to live.
Keep strong Mama. You are on the right path for yourself and your son. Hang in there.
Much love and (((Hugs)))
New Leaf

 

[Cora]

Thank you to everyone who has given me advise and understanding. Unless you have gone through something
similar there's just no explaining it to an "outsider".

 

[Copabanana]

Dear Cora

I am chiming in to say you did exactly the right thing. For so many reasons. But all you needed was one: I don't want you to live with me.

But really, how serious could he be about complying with parole if he is proposing to deceive his parole office? Givemeabreak

Since he has to have a place to go to, he wanted to use my address. He said he would change it the first time he met with a
parole officer.

What he proposes here is to deceive his parole officer. The address he provides to parole needs to be where he actually resides. This is because parole is supervised, and it is contingent upon good behavior. And parole means that he is technically still serving his sentence. He may no longer be locked up, but he could be, with one wrong move. That means even the suspicion of wrongdoing could be sufficient to revoke parole and to lock him up to finish the rest of the time on his sentence. The parole department needs a correct address so that they can come and inspect how he is living (unannounced) and in order to come and get him, if he violates the rules of parole or commits another crime.

So, he is trying to pull the wool over your eyes, to deceive you and to involve you in a fraud.

When corrections contacted me about letting him come here I refused. I said it would be better for everyone if he went to a reentry
program or transitional living

Good job. A re-entry program or rescue mission or the like is equipped to handle your son's reentry. Mothers are not. End of story.
These programs are usually run by recovering addicts and felons. They have a structured, rules-based and neutral program that is designed to work. Our children work us. That is the difference.

I am so glad you found us. You are doing great.

 

[New Leaf]

Perfectly stated, and unfortunately true.

Our children work us. That is the difference.

 

[TerriH]

Copabana's post was excellent. To my surprise, my son became an honest man after dealing with the courts. Because he was young and it was a first offense he qualified for diversion, but it took him several months to pay off his fine.

I do not know what they said to him: the judge spoke to him quietly. But they knew what they were doing.

I realize that does not necessarily work. I hope that with you folk's children that it does.