Had to ask my son to leave on Saturday

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Dear RN
I went back and added stuff at the beginning of my post after I read Deni's post. Please make sure you read that new stuff because I reconsidered what I wrote. Copa

I agree with Deni. Your son has demonstrated that he can stay off the pills, and prosper. This was a relapse, not a collapse. I am still so very concerned, but maybe that is a product of my own weakness. I don't know.
 
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RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Hi

It ends up the charges did NOT go to our card so that is all ok. Of course he was high when he did it.

He said he had some pills left over and knows he cannot take them because they make him do crazy things. Really??

He has an interview today for a pretty good job that would enable him to pay for the apartment on his own. He is still working at Amazon.

I have my boundaries up high and hard. He stopped by today to pick up a polo shirt for his Zoom interview and some other things. I am keeping my emotional distance and am very proud of myself to be honest.

It was a relapse. Will it happen again? I do not know. Husband has asked for his plan on HOW to cope with this. None yet.

This is his journey and we are spectators. He knows he did something bad but he is not on his knees asking for forgiveness as I would like. We only got "sorry".

I will keep you all posted.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
He has an interview today for a pretty good job that would enable him to pay for the apartment on his own
This is the way to go!!
It ends up the charges did NOT go to our card so that is all ok.
How is this happening? Were you able to cancel them? OMG. This is so hard. I am reduced to moaning. And he is not even my child.

I think you are doing great RN. We are all of us proud of you.

He seems to be stepping up. You need not be the ones to step up. It's his life to make. I am so encouraged he is seeking a better job in order to do this on his own. For you, it is like a high-wire act. Or it would feel so, for me. But Deni is your guide here. To stay self-contained. To let him figure it out. And try to breathe.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
We have not given him a definitive answer yet on the apartment but I believe we are moving forward. We are not going to let him be on the streets even though he relapsed and isn't exactly saying what we want to hear. We can supplement for one year and then he will be on his own completely financially.

What is the price of peace? We are fortunate we are able to help him out and we are doing it as much for us as we are for him. I know many of us here get that. Neither one of us can live with that and even if he was using heavily we'd force him into treatment and I'm sure he'd go rather than not having a place to live. This is a guy that can't even stand it when his sox don't match.
 

brokeninside

New Member
Welcome to my world RN. I can't believe I didn't see your thread until now. I am very sorry this has happened, that you have to deal with this (again) and that I missed your thread until now.

Dear RN
I just read Deni's post and I so admire the attitude and the stance that she describes. If I had the strength to act like her, I think this is what I would do. I think that her attitude about the credit card makes so much sense. I love the idea of a repayment plan. She is, right. You do not have to make this bigger than it is. You could respond, in such a way that you realize he has an addiction and maybe a mental illness (the anxiety) and that you normalize it. Hold him responsible without over-reacting. OH. I love this idea so much. I do not believe I am totally wrong in what I wrote, but I DO panic and overreact. I get brittle. My poor son.

I will leave what I wrote, but I will think about it and write again.

OK, RN. This is a crime. I don't see how you can walk away from this, let alone involve yourself financially in a lease and co-sign an apartment if you are still considering this. Whether or not he was high when he used your card without consent, he is still responsible. I am not saying to involve the police, I am only asking, do you think he has to be held responsible for his actions, for his own good, his own recovery?


I like this idea. But of course, only he can decide.

Are you sure he is?


Because G-d can only do so much. Your son has his part to play, too.

Yes.

How in the world can you guys be responsible for his apartment when he is still active in addiction?
His addiction (and he) are responsible for his behavior. This is not just an out-of-body experience. He needs more work. He needs a reset. He may need psychotherapy. He is the one who has to do this. Not his parents.

Although relapses happen five years out they don't HAVE to happen. I always wondered about marijuana and beer. But I don't get a vote. HE gets a vote, but he also holds the responsibility. I am very concerned about continuing along this plan, subsidizing the apartment, and his continuing to work, AS IF nothing happened, a do-over and all is well. It is not all well.

I realize there is a harm reduction view of treating addiction and continuing to support the addict.
But the thing is, they are adamant that the family not be in a position to be hurt.

There are two ways to look at this. We can look at it that he did these things when he was high. Or we can see it, as he was the one who decided to get high. If we have an illness, we are responsible for ourselves and the people who love us, to take care of ourselves in ways that promote healthfulness. Is he saying, no big deal, or is he concerned that his recovery may be in danger? It is sounding like the prior.

I am worried that we may be missing the forest for the trees here. The job and the apartment are the trees. The forest is the addiction, his life, and recovery.

I don't know. Maybe I am wrong. I know how I would feel. Taking away this chance from him, to be independent, to succeed, etc.

Except that would be a dangerous view, I think. There are signs in the forest that all is not well. I am only suggesting that we can't focus on the two trees (job and apartment) when not is all well in the forest.

I am worried. And I wouldn't know what to do either. I would be heartsick and frantic. But I feel confident for all the years that I have been here, in what I write.

I am so so sorry. I feel heartsick.

He can right this ship, and I believe and hope he will. But he has to be the one to do it. And I believe that will come from going back to the drawing board: the work of recovery. I really liked the part about going back to Memphis. But how does this happen? He is the one who makes the choices, here.

We as parents have to step back and allow them to live the lives that are theirs to have and to make, not the ones in our heads. (This is after reading Deni.) This is the piece I have been unable to let go of. I cannot seem to accept the son I have, as opposed to the son I would want. And it totally breaks my heart, really hurts him, and is unfair to him. It's as if I cannot mourn. How is this all so hard? I am so sorry that real life happens. (I am serious here.) Unfortunately.
Copa, you offer such good advice. Sometimes it helps just to re-read these post. Thank you so much.
 
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