Happy Mother's Day---She wants to come home

[AliceLee]

Spent Saturday with my girls for mom's day. husband went fishing while we went to a nice restaurant for lunch (I paid, but that's ok...I just wanted a pleasant lunch with them).

We had a lovely lunch---delicious food, plus we laughed a lot and got along well. On the way home, difficult child drops the bombshell: "I'm probably going to have to move home soon." (Very long story...but difficult child has been living in various places over the last 3 months). We did, however, think she had gotten into a good living situation with a responsible young single mother---husband just moved all of her stuff into the apartment two weeks ago! She now says that roomate has lost her job---ok, but why does difficult child have to move? I don't get it.

I did not say nay or yay. I did say that if she did end up back home, maybe we could finish off the basement to give her a private entrance (That was probably a mistake---to difficult child "maybe" means "yes"). Told her that dad and I would discuss it and get back with her.

Anyway, husband and I agree that we will have to sit down with her and work out a plan together. Problem is, she's never been able to do that in the past...always gets mad and storms out. I KNOW that if she is unwilling to at least agree to a plan, this will never work...been there done that. She will not be allowed home if we can't agree on how we will attempt to live harmoniously together. AARRGHHH!!!

 

[dlgallant]

Where do you stand with your daughter now? My difficult child came over on Mother's Day and we had a nice dinner. She made up a story as to why she couldn't stay long but she did say she wanted to discuss moving home and had lots to tell me. She promised to call me that night and talk to me and I haven't heard from her since. Well, I'm not counting the 1 text message telling me to stop spreading rumors about her, and then a few minutes later one telling me she loved me. I would love to hear a success story to give me some hope.

 

[Suz]

Sounds like a nice lunch, AliceLee. :thumb:

I know what you mean about "maybe". I had to remove it from my vocabulary because it always meant "yes" to Rob, too.

I sure wouldn't spend a penny on creating an apartment for her until she proved she could be a good tenant......and paid rent...and followed rules...and was pleasant....for at least 6 months.

I hope things work out so that she can stay in her apartment and this becomes a non-issue. Fingers crossed! :smile:

Suz

 

[KFld]

Yup, a maybe to a easy child means maybe, but to a difficult child it's a definite yes!!

 

[HereWeGoAgain]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: KFld</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Yup, a maybe to a easy child means maybe, but to a difficult child it's a definite yes!! </div></div>And "no" never really means no.

 

[Scent of Cedar I]

I hope she does come home. If it were me, I would use this time before the decision is finalized to get on the same page with husband about your expectations where difficult child is concerned. Then, right after you tell her how pleased you are that she is coming home, tell her what the rules and consequences are.

Right now, when she wants to come home but isn't there yet, you have a power you will no longer have, once the move has been accomplished.

We always wished we had done that, but were always so filled with hope, and so trusting that difficult child wanted to improve his situation (or why would he be coming home?).

And it was really awful (for us ~ and I hope your situation is different). Without knowing what our own rules or expectations were, difficult child took over like a steamroller. Little by little we found ourselves in one unbelieveable situation after another.

Every time, just to reclaim our own lives, we wound up paying for everything difficult child needed to go live somewhere else.

How DO you feel about her coming home?

Do you see any problem areas that could be addressed now?

Barbara

 

[Sunlight]

so she is hopping around and moving in two weeks from place to place. ant has done that since March. I am not letting him move home again. at what point is enough too much?

 

[AliceLee]

My fantasy is that she would come home, work and save her money, be pleasant, respectful, and clean up after herself. The reality is that it doesn't work that way!

It turns out that I don't have to worry about that, for a while, anyway.

Her boyfriend's mother has invited difficult child to move in with her. (Boyfriend, however, is in jail until the end of May for beating up difficult child). I think this is a terrible idea because I think they'll start right back where they left off...fussing and fighting and hurting one another.

However, being a recent graduate of detachment 101, I am learning not to voice my opinions. I simply said, "How do you think you'll be able to get along differently than before he went to jail?" She said he will be going to court-ordered counseling. I asked if SHE was considering counseling...she said she was gonna try to go with him. I think she needs extensive therapy and medications herself, but at least she's thinking about counseling more these days.

difficult child did say that if things didn't work out, she would come home. I told her that our door is open, as long as we can agree in advance, and stick to a plan for living together.

She also said she wanted to get her credit report this weekend and start getting serious about cleaning up her credit :smile:

To be honest, I'm relieved that she's not coming home just yet. I am looking for another job and don't need that extra stressor.
Also, the boyfriend's mother is a lovely person---I have spoken with her extensively and I like her very much. She will be a good influence on my difficult child, I think.

 

[hearthope]

I like Suz and Barbara's ideas. Before investing any money let her prove herself. I wouldn't go out on any limbs for her to have a more "comfy" place with her own entrance.



the smallest detail I left out of what was expected from my son always became a huge arguement. You did know you can't win an arguement with a difficult child? You were just wrong or mistaken or you said no but meant yes!

I made the mistake of thinking somethings were just common sense and common courtesy, don't make the same mistake, spell it all out.

It is very true what Barbara said, you have the power BEFORE she moves in, after that she is home free in her eyes.

Move slow and take your time, this could be wonderful or horrible, remember ~ you are the parent. It is your home. Set YOUR rules

 

[KFld]

I'm so relieved for you that she isn't coming home yet!! You know your vision of what you would like it to be like if she moved home and the reality of what it will be like, are two very different things.