Happy New Year 2021

[newstart]

I want to wish everyone a happy and more peaceful year.
I have been wanting to make a post but my stuff is pale compared to Tishthedish losing her husband to COVID. I am so sad to read such news.

Since my husband is now retired, he is getting to see our daughter's behavior more clearly. I have watched him turn white as a ghost after being around her. He did have a stressful and demanding job and needed a clear head so I would take the blunt of crap from our daughter. I too had to be able to think clearly when I went to work but I had some very compassionate co workers that understood and had problems with their children. I can remember breaking down at work many times, crying in the bathroom and trying to hold things down, I spared my husband the blunt of her crap and I sure don't want to burden him with the magnitude of it now in our retirement years. Since Christmas, the magnitude of her lies are unreal.. Yesterday she came over, we had dinner and busted her in lie after lie. She put so much energy into trying to make the lie look like the truth that in the end we all were so wore out. Dear God it is wearing us out completely.

On Christmas day we got invited to my daughter house. We drove up and did not see the boyfriend's car so we came in. His car was hidden in the garage. It was horribly stressful and the food tasted horrible, I think he makes sure the meal tastes awful on purpose. I will not allow myself in his presence ever again. 2021 will be the year for changes. The boyfriend knows that my husband and I mask up everywhere and he was telling us how dumb the mask up people are and how they are all 'sheeple' he was saying this after his own mother died of COVID last year. He has talked my daughter into not wearing a mask. .
God hear our prayers.

 

[BusynMember1]

New start, I am so sorry. I won't be around people that don't wear masks as my husband and I are considered vulnerable. My kids wear masks and socially distance. This is our demand, us taking care of our health. My two not difficult kids get our feelings, whether right or wrong. They honor our wishes. Kay would not if she was still around. These adult kids seem to hear what we would like and they do the opposite. Like adult ODD. If we told Kay the sky is blue she used to argue it was red. Just to be contrary. Just to make us feel small. Her beliefs matter but ours do not.

Kay is a minority yet I am ashamed to admit makes horrible comments about all minorites, even her own, and Jews to her are a special favorite. I refused to listen to that from her. So she would say I won't listen. I said "no, not to that." Was I wrong? Should I listen even when offended, because she is my daughter?

I drew the line at that. There are lovely people of all types and we are part black. My husband is anyway. And my other two kids.

Your daughter's boyfriend sounds horrible. I am so sorry. You don't need him in your life in my opinion. Your daughter may at get angry but too bad.

Prayers and hugs to you, my dear virtual friend. We are all in this hell together.

 

[Copabanana]

Dear newstart:

I think I am where you are. Weary. I hang onto to the .01 percent of my son that I can recognize. But the reality is that even speaking to him the other .99 of the time is exhausting, painful, and triggering. It seems that any relationship with my son, any proximity to him, ensures that I feel violated, or that I tolerate that my space or dignity or humanity be violated.

I have come to accept that this is unacceptable and that there is no resolution that is within my power or control. There are substances that are forever and always incompatible, like oil and water. For oil, there can be no compromise with water. If they can co-exist it is only as antagonists.

I find this to be so with my son, for now. My love for him is 100 percent. I can hold in my heart that his love for me is 100 percent. But in proximity to each other, we are antagonists. I can't tolerate who he has become and how he lives. And he can't or won't tolerate any limits or compromise with me. There is only for me at this point acceptance of the reality of where we are.

I wish it wasn't so but it is.

 

[newstart]

Dear BusyNmember, I understand about the ODD too well. It is horrific to be around someone that is high on the ODD spectrum..
My family all got DNA tests, there is not room for prejudice, we are so mixed. I recently found out I had Jewish DNA. I had always felt at home with my Jewish friends, like I was part of that tribe. I had a best friend that died from cancer in 2000, she was Jewish, we were like sisters, we even looked a like. So wish she was here to tell her, guess her spirit knows now.
I never could understand prejudice. All of us humans come from the same color spectrum, some darker, some lighter and to dislike someone because of their color is very narrow minded.

Copa, The word antagonists, if perfect for explaining my daughter and her thug boyfriend. Grief givers are another word for them. My daughter is one, her boyfriend is a major one. I understand about the love, I love her deeply, and I know she loves me depending on the stage of her mania. I think the oil and water explains it perfectly. Your words ring perfect to where I am with my daughter.
My husband has several people in his immediate family with bipolar. His mother, sister and brother. They are highly successful, intelligent people, successful with their high level jobs and very unsuccessful in their main relationships. In the past when they were abusive they would buy us a gift as if that would balance out their abuse. When we would call them on their abuse they would say 'well, we bought you that gift' and I would say what does that have to do with anything? We would much rather be treated with respect and kindness over anything material and we have so much stuff anyway I am always trying to downsize. It is so weird because his mom, sister and brother have always done that and now I see the pattern with my daughter. She knows that this does not work with us because I have talked about it in length with her. She tried doing that at Christmas. Abuse does not equal a gift. It is frightening to see that particular trait pass down. WTH.

Thank you both for your continued input and guidance. Sending love.