Happy New Year 2022

[newstart]

My 39 year old daughter continues to act weird. She went through another major breakup, this is probably number 20 with the same guy, the type of breakups to where she kicks her boyfriend out, throws away or sells all of his stuff that he leaves behind at her house and then just like that he is back living with her like nothing has happened.

I keep telling myself if she was not my daughter I would not have that type of person in my life. I have written about how I had to disconnect from my Cluster B sister in law.. After 20 years of not talking to my sister in law, I saw her at a family reunion and we reconnected and I thought she was done with her BS but what a mistake I made.
Having my toxic sister in law back into my life has been a HUGE mistake.. From now on no more back tracking and letting these lethal demons back in. This sister in law has caused me another bout of grief. I gave it my best and tried but I think I have learned the ultimate lesson, get tons of distance with the Cluster Bs.

I start buying my daughter Christmas gifts starting in Oct. I let her pick out things that way she gets exactly what she wants. I do the same with my husband. Most holidays I tell her that her dad and I have too much of everything so we don't need anything else.
I had my eye on a turquoise jacket. My daughter asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I told her about the jacket, showed her the picture, size and where to get it. She said ok that is what I am giving you for Christmas.
I patiently wait for this jacket. Each week I get an excuse that it got lost in shipping or sent to the wrong house or some other excuse. I understand because shipping is not like it used to be and things have been very mixed up. Then my daughter said she got a notice that said I will receive the jacket on Jan. 7th.
I called the company yesterday and found out she never ordered it. I went ahead and ordered it.
My husband said to not say anything about it, just have it on when you see her next.
I am truly sick to my stomach.

 

[Nomad]

I’m so sorry.
Good for you for ordering it fir yourself.
If you are absolutely certain she never ordered it and I think you are, I would wear it, calmly tell her you had checked, it wasn’t ordered and she had been dishonest snd unkind. The key is calmly.
I would pull back or stop seeing your sister in law completely.
And I would consider reducing your contact with your daughter as well. And absolutely not engage in or alter xmas gift exchanges in the future . Perhaps keep it very simple like a $20 maximum (both ways) or some such thing. Or offer to make her a favorite meal or dessert instead of a gift.
I think It’s not worth this sorrow.
She doesn’t get it.
Best part is you are getting the jacket.

 

[BusynMember1]

Hi, new start. I missed you and am glad you showed up for a check in! So daughter is at it again (sigh).

I want to tell you what helps me when I think about Kay, or before she took off in her motor home. Maybe it will help you.

My 12 step program in Nar Anon, which has helped me a lot, tells me to accept what I can't change and to change only what I can (myself). Kay is in her mid 30s now and I know who she is and that it is unrealistic of me to expect her to suddenly feel grateful for what we have done for her. Before she totally left us, I let go of my expectations of her. If I gave her a nice Christmas gift, as we always did, we never spoke of her giving anything at all to us. It was given to her with the expectation that Kay liked to receive but not give and we just accepted what we could not change. It made things easier on us and I stopped feeling badly about what she doesn't give. She does what she does and people her age don't change overnight and suddenly behave in kind and socially acceptable ways. Kay doesn't care like other people care. Or feel badly if she hurts us (in fact with Kay she never pretends a gift got.lost....she will say we don't deserve one). Then it.is up to us to either keep acting.in a generous way or not, but we stop expecting her yo do what Amy or Rick do.

We don't send her anything now and don't even know where she is. They move the motorhome a lot. I actually feel better not knowing than when we knew. We had too many unrealistic (not Kay like) expectations of a person who does not value our relationship like we did. Not enough for her to even buy us or make us a card of loving thoughts. Only Kay can change Kay. My hoping she will change can't change her. My expectations hurt ME. I have none now. Everything in the world is a book without an ending. Kay will write her story. I have to write mine. I can't write hers.

I know how your daughter hurts you and I am so sorry. It is really up up to us how much we invest into being sad that our kids are not how we want them to be. We have power to change our thoughts and expectations. We decide how much to let our "differently wired" children upset us.

Maybe next next holiday don't discuss gifts with her regarding you and husband. Give her all you like without expecting anything.in return. It feels unfair, I know but I learned life isn't fair. What Kay should do she doesn't always or usually do. I don't use the words "she should" much anymore. It is what it is. I know who she is. I know who i am too. No matter how Kay trashes me, I love her and always tried my best. Her words are untrue. I see them that way now.

Much love and hugs and great to hear from you. Sorry you had a hard time with some family. Praying.

 

[newstart]

Hi Nomad & BusynMember, Good to hear from you. I agree just blow off my Cluster B sister in law. I have read that some Cluster B people do get better with age and I was hoping this was the case with her. My husband, her brother had warned me about 'opening that bag of worms' because he was truly done with her. I opened them because I though not talking to her for 20 years would let her know we were serious. It did not make one bit of difference, she is still the same nasty vile person.

I think the reason I feel so much hurt is because I told my daughter that her dad and I have enough of everything and we do not expect her to get us anything. I had first showed her the turquoise jacket picture, not for her to buy it for me but to ask what she thought of it, her opinion. She was the one that said she will be giving me that jacket for Christmas.
The reason it hit so hard is because there are times when she is ok, and I relax thinking she is older maybe her higher thinking will kick in but no Cluster B is Cluster B. It maybe easier if she was nasty all the time and did not have these small windows of time when she is actually enjoyable. So this off/on thing is truly awful and hard to predict.

I have read your posts, and Nomad your daughter has caused a major nightmare.
A few years ago our town flooded. My daughter took in a bunch of people that got flooded out and their dogs. Such a nice thing to do in our rent house. I did not say much because we all were helping each other but when it was time for them to leave they did not want to go. I think she thought we would pay the bills since she was doing such a good deed. She would complain to me about them not leaving, I stayed out of it because I thought if it gave her enough grief maybe she would think twice about letting a bunch of people live off her. They were not the best of people and did not contribute with anything just took everything. She ended up giving them most of her furniture, not thinking that maybe she will need that furniture in the future.
I have no idea how she finally got them to leave. She later got a male roommate that helped out a little bit but put more wear and tear on the house. He helped with food a little and a few bucks here and there and but he also stayed way too long. He did not pay rent.
The house will be paid off in a few short years. I hope she can hang on that long. Each year is a challenge. She will be 40 in April. No way would she even be living in a house if it were not for us. We put a large down payment on the house so her monthly bills would be doable. She has looked into moving several times and realized she would be living in a slum compared to her nice home in a nice neighborhood.
Happy New Year.