Hard to know what to do

Tanya M

Living with an attitude of gratitude
Staff member
SWOT, leaving our son out of our will was one of the hardest yet easiest decisions I have ever made.

When husband and I met with our lawyer I felt kind of strange telling her what our decision was and I told her so. She put me at ease and said many of her clients have left their children out of their wills for various reasons. She shared with us that one client was very wealthy, worth several millions, had 4 children and had a good relationship with all of them but left each of them only $5000. His reason was that he did not want them to become lazy and complacent with unlimited funds.

People leave their children out of their will for many different reasons. It really helped me to know that.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Thanks, Tanya.

Long ago I decided that if you want to be in my life in a healthy way, I will welcome you. If you don't want to be in my life, I will never again belittle myself and grovel like I did with Gone Boy. So he wants out, he is out. But it's good to know I'm not the only parent. If he were financially struggling I'd have more to think about, but he was a millionaire before 30. My conscience is clear.

I appreciate all the good feedback.
 

TheWalrus

I Am The Walrus
No, you are far from the only parent. And no, my husband has no other children. I think that is why he has such a hard time moving on. You're right - he has to grieve his child over and over each time he is pushed aside again. I also understand how even thinking about your son brings up such emotional turmoil - even after six years, step child does the same to me. I never even say the name if it can be helped. It is easier to pretend non-existence, but that is interrupted often with moments of "teasing" my husband into believing this time will be different. I wish step child would just shut the door completely and let him grieve the loss so that he could move on if there is never going to be a true desire to include my husband or allow him to be part of his grandchild's life.
 

Scent of Cedar *

Well-Known Member
My decision to leave him no money is firm. He is almost 40. The time for excuses is over. I have never seen his kids. I am nobody to him by his word and deed. It was not my decision. I can't offer him what I do the kids who have been there through thick and thin. They care. He does not. My integrity tells me to treat him as he wishes, to not be in the family. He asked, in the church mediation center, to be absolved of all family responsibility. His words.

Ouch.

I think you posted something once about a support group for parents who adopt from overseas, SWOT. Or maybe I only saw that on television. The families would gather for picnics and so on throughout the adjustment period, and some would continue coming for years after.

Maybe, a donation to that group or a similar one in his name would bring you a sense of closure?

Thank you for this thread, SWOT.

Cedar
 

Lil

Well-Known Member
I'm sorry I missed this discussion. As always, a disclaimer: Laws differ and it's not my main field.

I just need to decide if it is legally necessary to inform him.

I'd be shocked if there's any law in your state that requires notification of any bequest or lack thereof until the person passes away.

Not only that, but say, out of kindness you DO tell him. Then, say 10 years from now, he's wracked with grief and remorse over having cut you off and tries to re-connect. Would you ever be able to tell yourself it was for any other reason than to get back in the will?

No...unless it's a requirement (which I greatly doubt) I would not notify him.

I will mention shortly that he is deliberately not included. Nothing else.

This is generally what's required.

You don't have to be mean. You can be quite gentle. "To my son Gone Boy, who I always loved, based upon his great success financially, no monetary bequest is made. He shall receive [fill in the item], in memory of happier times."

In any estate-planning, a lawyer is always the way to go.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Thanks, cedar. I was in a group, yes. I was in a group specific to that country. I am not sure it exists anymore. Thanks for the suggestion.

Lil, I appreciate your feedback. I won't tell him. And I have no intention of being mean.

Thanks to all. This was healthy for me. Got it all out. Bless you, one and all.
 

Lil

Well-Known Member
Lil, I appreciate your feedback. I won't tell him. And I have no intention of being mean.

Oh, I never thought you did! Goodness, that is how that sounded now that I read what I wrote! I'm so sorry if I insulted you...I didn't mean to. I just meant that disinheriting a child can seem like a cold-hearted thing, but it isn't necessarily and can be done lovingly. Again, I'm sorry for how that sounded.
 

Echolette

Well-Known Member
SWOT, I have been following this with interest. IN my own family of birth, my mother was very clear and firm that at all times all things had to be distributed evenly. She spent the same amount of money on each of us for holidays, and the same number of presents. She offered identical support for college, for housing later, for grandchildren. We were all in different financial positions and sometimes those of us who were better off tried to demur, but she insisted. IN her own life her parents had given her younger sister, who was single after a short and unfortunate young marriage, a lot of financial support. My mom was financially secure...while her marriage lasted. When she had a midlife divorce she was dead broke, and turned her home into a rooming house to make ends meet. By then her younger sister had remarried well and was travelling the world. I do think that advice (all things equal regardless of need) was wise...but we all had a loving relationship, and so your story is different.
I can't speak to the legalities, but I think gone boy is gone...of his own volition. He has declared himself, for a very long time and as an adult, to be not a member of your family. I think you should divide your assets up among the ones who have chosen to remain family. I know they have issues too, but they retained a relationship with you. He didn't just walk out for a month or a year...he left your life. That seems extreme. I wouldn't let him know. He is just...not family anymore. If you want to leave him a letter in your will to be given him after your death, something kind, I think that would be enough.
My two cents, a little different from others.
 
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