I'm with Lil. I've been around several family situations where the kids were raised or shared-parented by grandparents (such as on a farm situation). And the most common non-confusion names for grandma and grandpa in that situation is Nana and Papa. It's close enough to Mama and Dada, and yet different.
He was leaving
- Thread starter PatriotsGirl
- Start date
PatriotsGirl
Well-Known Member
We call eachother gamma and gampa but he has begun saying mama and dada. Not sure if he is exactly referring to us or just saying it. He has started saying words here and there. 
I hate to say it, but I think he has always felt that me and husband were "mama and dada". He loves holding both our hands and just being together. <3
This was no blindside, either. He has always been very vocal about his unhappiness of her being here. I just didn't know it got to the point of him talking to lawyers, but after the way she was on vacation and I was just trying to keep the peace, I do understand it...
I hate to say it, but I think he has always felt that me and husband were "mama and dada". He loves holding both our hands and just being together. <3This was no blindside, either. He has always been very vocal about his unhappiness of her being here. I just didn't know it got to the point of him talking to lawyers, but after the way she was on vacation and I was just trying to keep the peace, I do understand it...
PatriotsGirl
Well-Known Member
I do like Papa. I will have to ask husband how he feels about that one. Connor has also started saying Nana so that may be an easy transition.
I know I am finally done with difficult child. I have no desire to help her in any way - for the first time ever. I know that I have cared way more about her life than she has and that will never benefit her. I know that I have done all I could and have done my "duty" when it comes to her. She has been given every opportunity - she was given the world - all she had to do was be a mother and get a job (oh and not do drugs!!). My help does not help. I know that now.
But to be perfectly honest for the past two years, ever since I found out that Connor existed in her belly, it has been ALL for Connor. I worked with the court to have her jailed for her pregnancy to keep HIM safe. I put money on her jail account so she could eat extra food for HIM. After he was born, I let her come back home so HE could have his mother with him.
Now that I am his legal guardian and he is safely with me, I feel she can do what ever she likes at this point. Either she is going to do everything she can to earn her son back or she will go off and be lost in the drug world. I am at peace with what ever decision SHE makes because I know it is HER decision to make. Not mine. I have come to terms with the fact that I may have legal custody until he is 18 and I am okay with that. It would be nice if she did get it together, but I am not holding my breathj waiting for that to happen, either.
I have always, always been the softy. I have been her cushion her whole life. I have always come to the rescue. The fact that I am not even the slightest bit wanting to rescue her in any way is definitely a turning point for me.
I know I am finally done with difficult child. I have no desire to help her in any way - for the first time ever. I know that I have cared way more about her life than she has and that will never benefit her. I know that I have done all I could and have done my "duty" when it comes to her. She has been given every opportunity - she was given the world - all she had to do was be a mother and get a job (oh and not do drugs!!). My help does not help. I know that now.
But to be perfectly honest for the past two years, ever since I found out that Connor existed in her belly, it has been ALL for Connor. I worked with the court to have her jailed for her pregnancy to keep HIM safe. I put money on her jail account so she could eat extra food for HIM. After he was born, I let her come back home so HE could have his mother with him.
Now that I am his legal guardian and he is safely with me, I feel she can do what ever she likes at this point. Either she is going to do everything she can to earn her son back or she will go off and be lost in the drug world. I am at peace with what ever decision SHE makes because I know it is HER decision to make. Not mine. I have come to terms with the fact that I may have legal custody until he is 18 and I am okay with that. It would be nice if she did get it together, but I am not holding my breathj waiting for that to happen, either.
I have always, always been the softy. I have been her cushion her whole life. I have always come to the rescue. The fact that I am not even the slightest bit wanting to rescue her in any way is definitely a turning point for me.
2much2recover
Well-Known Member
One more thing to watch - difficult children can be so frustrating - maybe ask husband how much he wants to "talk or advise" about situations with difficult child. omen, by nature have much more of a need to talk things through. So even if you don't let difficult child back into the house, there is a possibility that she can come through the "back door" where all your thoughts, time and attention becomes focused on what she is or isn't doing. It would be a wise decision to ASK him how much he wants to participate in those conversations.
2much2recover
Well-Known Member
You CAN go to court when she goes and ask to speak to the judge and then voice what you feel with the judge. People are so frightened of Judges but they are HUMAN BEINGS and really want to make the right choices. Tell him/her the things the family has been going through, the fact that she won't work or take care of her son. It is a bold step but sometimes we can step forward to do the right thing forcing the addict to their bottom - especially when they see the family, especially mom, isn't going to cover for their bad choices anymore.
2much2recover
Well-Known Member
Also ask the judge to ask her if she is willing to go on long term birth control - the last thing you need is for her to try trap you by getting pregnant again!
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
I'd let Connor decide what to call you, with always being transparent about the story to him. This is hard as I've adopted one chld who seriously came from a bad situation. Just to give you an idea of what you can tell Connor from early on, "Your mother is too sick to take care of any child. She is not going to die, but she is sick." I'd explain to Sonic that drug addiction is a mental illness and that she did the best she could. I don't know if she did do the best she could because I never met her (and, frankly, I doubt it), but I always wanted him to feel positive about his DNA. If you feel more comfy, I love nana too, and I am hoping that Julie's baby calls me nana as her other grandma is grandma!
I am so glad your husband was only upset because of your daughter. difficult children are terrible on marriages. 37 tried my new husband's patience back when he was 16 and husband WAS new. Once hubby actually went after him for calling me some horrific names (use your worst imagination) and I had to stop him or he would have gone for his throat, and my husband is very easygoing. My husband couldn't stand how he treated me. It really made things hard at times. My darling son would bait him nonstop.
I am so glad your husband was only upset because of your daughter. difficult children are terrible on marriages. 37 tried my new husband's patience back when he was 16 and husband WAS new. Once hubby actually went after him for calling me some horrific names (use your worst imagination) and I had to stop him or he would have gone for his throat, and my husband is very easygoing. My husband couldn't stand how he treated me. It really made things hard at times. My darling son would bait him nonstop.
AnnieO
Shooting from the Hip
Sweetie, I have seen your posts on fb as well as here and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt what your husband meant. There were times, dealing with Belle, that I wasn't sure I could stay. I wanted to run, run, run far far away!
Then she left for almost a year. I thought it was going well. In fact that is when I got pregnant. She did come to visit and I could handle most of that. But then husband allowed her to come back. And Butch moved in, and back out. And honestly I was SURE that I was going to take Rose and leave. I only stayed because I couldn't save Pat, too.
Then Belle left again and we cut out toxic mother in law, then toxic father in law, closed the business, dealt with ex-partner and... It is SO much more peaceful now. We talk to Belle, go visit, send pics and recently a box of clothing but... I told husband that she was welcome to visit us as long as she had her life together, but she would NEVER live with us again, and if he allowed her to even spend a night without my OK I was gone and so was Rose. Pat is old enough, big enough, and has blossomed enough, to defend himself now. (FWIW, husband told me if I allowed Belle in, that HE would leave...)
Then she left for almost a year. I thought it was going well. In fact that is when I got pregnant. She did come to visit and I could handle most of that. But then husband allowed her to come back. And Butch moved in, and back out. And honestly I was SURE that I was going to take Rose and leave. I only stayed because I couldn't save Pat, too.
Then Belle left again and we cut out toxic mother in law, then toxic father in law, closed the business, dealt with ex-partner and... It is SO much more peaceful now. We talk to Belle, go visit, send pics and recently a box of clothing but... I told husband that she was welcome to visit us as long as she had her life together, but she would NEVER live with us again, and if he allowed her to even spend a night without my OK I was gone and so was Rose. Pat is old enough, big enough, and has blossomed enough, to defend himself now. (FWIW, husband told me if I allowed Belle in, that HE would leave...)
PG, I know things are busy and right now you are SOOOOOO sure that difficult child won't ever live with you, you won't put up with her koi ever again, yada yada yada. I am BEGGING you to either work with a therapist or go to 12 step meetings on a committed and regular basis.
difficult child did not develop a drug problem all on her own. Family dynamics had a HUGE role in her choices. This does NOT mean her drug use was your fault, but it does mean that the entire family, ESPECIALLY YOU, developed very unhealthy habits of codependency. Don't give me that, "But I know I won't do that again, my mind and feelings are so different now" song. You have to understand that the change in your feelings, etc... are all very much to be expected with codependency.
If you go back and read the entire history of your time on the board, whatever is archived, you will see a real pattern in behavior - yours, husband's an difficult child's. I think that right now your feelings really have changed because you saw how difficult child harmed her child with her koi. It means that right now is the time that some hard work on your part could play a HUGE role in little C not learning the patterns that are so ingrained in your family and parenting style. NOT that you are a bad mom, but that addiction permeates every facet of your life and has a huge impact on all of it. If you truly want little C to have a real chance in life to avoid his mom's mistakes, you will go to meetings and/or a therapist on a committed and long term basis. Not for a few weeks or months - go for a couple of years.
I know how hard it is with a small child. I went to alanon starting just before I got pregnant because my mother was facing her father's addiction and how it impacted our family. Now my Gpa NEVER lived near us and never ever drank around us. I never saw him drunk. But I started going to meetings because it was important to my mom and because at first she did not want to go alone. Then I found out I was pregnant and I did NOT want my child to learn my Adult Grandchild behaviors Plus I admitted that my bro had a real problem and I wasn't 'just' an adult grandchild - I was the sister of an alcoholic. To my husband's credit, he not only didn't mind that I went to meeting, he went to some also and admitted to a similar family history. It was NOT easy to find the time or energy to go to meetings, esp as we liked separate meetings, but it helped SOOOO much. I think you will find the same thing a few months after you start going to meetings.
I very much am a better person and parent because I got help. I think you are not aware of the things your difficult child may do if she thinks you will not continue to be her 'cushion'. She knows that getting pregnant got you to give her a whole lot of support and that one grandchild was enough to get you to turn a blind eye to her drug use for quite a while. What will you do for the next child she has? What is to stop her from getting pregnant again as soon as she is out and learns that you won't let her come back home? How will you keep a firm boundary?
You are feeling very strong in your desire to protect little C and give him a safe and happy addiction free childhood. You will NEED support to keep that determination, esp when his mom starts tugging at your emotions.
Please, for little C's sake if not your own, work with a therapist or a family group like alanon to give little C the absolute best chance in life that he can have. He needs you to do this.
difficult child did not develop a drug problem all on her own. Family dynamics had a HUGE role in her choices. This does NOT mean her drug use was your fault, but it does mean that the entire family, ESPECIALLY YOU, developed very unhealthy habits of codependency. Don't give me that, "But I know I won't do that again, my mind and feelings are so different now" song. You have to understand that the change in your feelings, etc... are all very much to be expected with codependency.
If you go back and read the entire history of your time on the board, whatever is archived, you will see a real pattern in behavior - yours, husband's an difficult child's. I think that right now your feelings really have changed because you saw how difficult child harmed her child with her koi. It means that right now is the time that some hard work on your part could play a HUGE role in little C not learning the patterns that are so ingrained in your family and parenting style. NOT that you are a bad mom, but that addiction permeates every facet of your life and has a huge impact on all of it. If you truly want little C to have a real chance in life to avoid his mom's mistakes, you will go to meetings and/or a therapist on a committed and long term basis. Not for a few weeks or months - go for a couple of years.
I know how hard it is with a small child. I went to alanon starting just before I got pregnant because my mother was facing her father's addiction and how it impacted our family. Now my Gpa NEVER lived near us and never ever drank around us. I never saw him drunk. But I started going to meetings because it was important to my mom and because at first she did not want to go alone. Then I found out I was pregnant and I did NOT want my child to learn my Adult Grandchild behaviors Plus I admitted that my bro had a real problem and I wasn't 'just' an adult grandchild - I was the sister of an alcoholic. To my husband's credit, he not only didn't mind that I went to meeting, he went to some also and admitted to a similar family history. It was NOT easy to find the time or energy to go to meetings, esp as we liked separate meetings, but it helped SOOOO much. I think you will find the same thing a few months after you start going to meetings.
I very much am a better person and parent because I got help. I think you are not aware of the things your difficult child may do if she thinks you will not continue to be her 'cushion'. She knows that getting pregnant got you to give her a whole lot of support and that one grandchild was enough to get you to turn a blind eye to her drug use for quite a while. What will you do for the next child she has? What is to stop her from getting pregnant again as soon as she is out and learns that you won't let her come back home? How will you keep a firm boundary?
You are feeling very strong in your desire to protect little C and give him a safe and happy addiction free childhood. You will NEED support to keep that determination, esp when his mom starts tugging at your emotions.
Please, for little C's sake if not your own, work with a therapist or a family group like alanon to give little C the absolute best chance in life that he can have. He needs you to do this.
PatriotsGirl
Well-Known Member
Oh therapy is most definitely in my future!!! I have been wanting to go for a while - it is just as you said - time...
comatheart
Active Member
Wow, that must have been so hard to hear and I would be incredibly hurt as well! I hope that the two of you can perhaps talk to someone together to help sort out all of these feelings. If anything, definitely go for yourself. ((((Huge hugs)))))
nlj
Well-Known Member
It can be hard to be a step-parent.
My husband is my son's step-father. He mostly doesn't offer any opinions and rarely questions anything I do regarding my son. I think he's still waiting for my son to grow up (he's 27) and doesn't really take any of his issues seriously. He doesn't have the pain and sadness that I have.
I am fulltime step-mother to my husband's youngest daughter (she's 10). I have been her stepmother since she was 1 year old, but she still calls me by my christian name, not 'mum'. As Shakespeare said "what's in a name, a rose by any other name would smell as sweet". It's not important.
What is important is that as members of a step-family you have to recognise and nourish the primary relationship. That is the relationship between you and your husband. I hope you and your husband can talk through everything and come out as a team and draw strength from it together.
My husband is my son's step-father. He mostly doesn't offer any opinions and rarely questions anything I do regarding my son. I think he's still waiting for my son to grow up (he's 27) and doesn't really take any of his issues seriously. He doesn't have the pain and sadness that I have.
I am fulltime step-mother to my husband's youngest daughter (she's 10). I have been her stepmother since she was 1 year old, but she still calls me by my christian name, not 'mum'. As Shakespeare said "what's in a name, a rose by any other name would smell as sweet". It's not important.
What is important is that as members of a step-family you have to recognise and nourish the primary relationship. That is the relationship between you and your husband. I hope you and your husband can talk through everything and come out as a team and draw strength from it together.
