Help for Myself

[Wendy23]

Hi,

I am a 57 year old mother of three adult children. One, a forty year old daughter that is doing fine, married with four wonderful children. Two, a thirty-four year old son who was addicted to meth; now sober for 10 months in a residential program for that length of time doing good. Third, a twenty five year old herion addicted son living at home.

Me, a fifty seven year old single adult with a twenty five year old son living at home that I an enabling and can not find the courage to stop. He becomes violent when I try. My life has become unmanageable and I need help. I am at a point where I realize I can not help anyone else, until I help myself. I am on the verge of losing my house, everything due to the fact that I give all my money or spend all my money on him trying to save him and doing all the wrong things. Any suggestions as to where to find it?

Thanks,

 

[ksm]

You have taken a huge baby step...you realize you need help! Can you contact AA or NA and see when there are meetings for families of addicts? A good book is Co-dependent No More. Also, the Substance Abuse forum at this site has other parents who will have advice. Would your other two children help support you with setting limits on your son who is still at home?

Is there an affordable way for you to see a therapist? Even a trusted clergy? Don't ignore the bills, return phone calls, make a plan, follow it...most places will work with you if you are taking the iniative.

Stay strong, find little moments of peace, have some hot tea, listen to music, go for a walk, work in the garden...

Stay connected to the parents here, they will lend support, advice, sympathy...we know how hard this is!

KSM

 

[InsaneCdn]

Also consider contacting a domestic violence support team. This isn't spousal abuse - but it IS domestic abuse. You are being controlled by his violence and/or threat of violence. They may be able to help you come up with a workable plan.

 

[TheWalrus]

in my opinion you need to get him out of your home. Your home is your sanctuary. Stop spending a cent on him, for anything. Every time he gets violent, call the police. If he has drugs in your house, call the police. If he is obviously high or using at home, call the police. They will remove him and may save you an eviction process if he won't leave on his own. Accept this is not the son you cuddled as a boy. Drugs rob us of our children. Until he hits rock bottom, he has no reason to stop, and your enabling acts as the safety net that allows him to continue living the way he does.

 

[CrazyinVA]

Families Anonymous is another great group to seek help from. Here's their site so you can see if there's a group near you:
http://www.familiesanonymous.org/

You are so strong just to take the step of posting here -- give yourself a huge hug for that. You're not alone.

 

[AppleCori]

Hi and welcome, Wendy.

You have taken the first step, Wendy.

You have started asking for help, reaching out, looking for options.

You know in your heart that you can't live this way anymore. Things have to change. This is the first step.

Stay with us, Wendy.

We will help you through this.

Apple

 

[Tanya M]

Hi Wendy,

I am so glad you reached out to us. You have taken that first big step in realizing that you cannot help your son and that you need to help yourself first.
This is not an easy journey and you will need to draw on strength that is deep within you. As hard as it may be, if your son becomes violent you should call the police. Your safety has to be your first priority.

You are not alone in this. We are all here to offer our support.

Something else I will suggest is that you find and attend Al-anon meetings. You will also find wonderful support in those groups.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It's so heartbreaking to watch our children spiral out of control.

I'm glad to hear your other son is doing well in his recovery and I hope that can be an influence on his brother.

((HUGS)) to you.....................

Stay close and let us know how things are going. We Care.

 

[so ready to live]

Hi Wendy. A big hug from those of us who have been there. We get it. Please protect yourself even if that means calling police, it is not the worst thing you can do-it may be best for you both.

You know in your heart that you can't live this way anymore.

A huge first step today to admit you are so done with this. You deserve better. You are strong.

I am on the verge of losing my house, everything due to the fact that I give all my money or spend all my money on him trying to save him and doing all the wrong things.

We found al-anon to be such a good starting place. Although everyone's situation is different, the basics are the same. We learned that our support ($, emotional, physical) was simply allowing our son to continue the lifestyle we were fighting against.
Keep posting as you are able, you can only save you. We are here. Prayers.

 

[worried sick mother]

A good starting point is Al-anon meetings, this will help you to detach with love and provide support for you. As long as you are enabling your son , he will never get help. It's good that you realize that you need help. As hard as it will be , you need to get your son out of your home immediately and if he becomes violent, call the police. Never allow drugs in your home. Enabling your son is not helping either of you. Post in the substance abuse forum and you will get good loving advice. You are not alone.

 

[Carri]

Alanon is great, but I found Naranon better for me. If you can't find a meeting in your area, you can order literature which I have found extremely helpful. http://www.nar-anon.org

My 31 yr old son is also a heroin addict. I'm not sure where he is? I do know that he knows I love him very much, but that I won't enable him and have the chaos in my home. If he decides he wants help he knows I'm there for him. I always have been. I "let go and let God" as best as I can. It's a constant struggle but does get easier with time and practice. If it gets bad enough for him and he wants to change his life, he knows what he needs to do. In the meantime, I stay out of his way.

Hugs,
Carri

 

[savior no more]

Hi,

He becomes violent when I try.

the only way I got my son to quit tearing my house up - breaking windows, doors, threatening me - was to call the police when he started doing this. It was hard but it set the firm boundary with him that I would not tolerate this. They also talked to him about his anger and tried to help him with services that were available. I must admit that the way I gained courage to do this was from my new boyfriend at the time giving me encouragement which felt a lot like controlling. I had become so insulated to the abuse that I didn't even know it was abusive. It took an outsider to help me see it for what it was. I recently allowed my son to slip back into smashing a wall in - he said he did it in his sleep, come on now - and I bought it. I also let him get away with stealing from my house and not calling the cops on him. At that point I'm sure they were thinking, " lady why did you bail him out."
It's easy for people to tell you what you need to do, but until you have the strength and support to carry through, It's hard to break free from abusive situations. I second the suggestion to get help through the domestic abuse support group. I'm glad you found us - I have been there and it's been a long road out but so worth it for the peace.

 

[savior no more]

He becomes violent when I try

the only way I got my son to quit tearing my house up - breaking windows, doors, threatening me - was to call the police when he started doing this. It was hard but it set the firm boundary with him that I would not tolerate this. They also talked to him about his anger and tried to help him with services that were available. I must admit that the way I gained courage to do this was from my new boyfriend at the time giving me encouragement which felt a lot like controlling. I had become so insulated to the abuse that I didn't even know it was abusive. It took an outsider to help me see it for what it was. I recently allowed my son to slip back into smashing a wall in - he said he did it in his sleep, come on now - and I bought it. I also let him get away with stealing from my house and not calling the cops on him. At that point I'm sure they were thinking, " lady why did you bail him out."
It's easy for people to tell you what you need to do, but until you have the strength and support to carry through, It's hard to break free from abusive situations. I second the suggestion to get help through the domestic abuse support group. I'm glad you found us - I have been there and it's been a long road out but so worth it for the peace.[/QUOTE]