Help!! I'm new here, my adhd/autistic son refuses to use the toilet at night!

[mommabear34]

I have to say that I really admire your goal of making him a "healthy happy productive member of society". In my area the parents have always been so determined to make their kids "happy", meaning that the kids get what they want, period. It drives me nuts to hear parents whine that kids are not 'happy' at school because they have to do work, and can't they just not do this or that. Especially when this or that are things like addition or history! As far as being productive members of society? Not really a consideration to MANY parents. It is all about HAPPY. Especially when the child is little. Then when the child is a teen, the program changes to get a job, contribute, get good grades and the teen rebels because that does NOT make them HAPPY. Not one little bit. I think this causes a LOT of problems, and leaves a lot of kids without important life skills. It drives me crazy, too. It is really nice to see another mom who openly states this goal when her child is young.

I think what you are doing is a bit different than what many of us thought was going on. I originally thought you had a child who was just toilet trained and was having trouble staying dry at night. . As the rest of the story came out, it seems he has a habit that he needs to break to be well adjusted and to be able to do the things he wants without embarrassment. That is a TOTALLY different thing. At least it is to me. I think your reward of a trip is a great thing. I certainly can see giving up sleep for a couple of weeks or a month to break a bad habit that is keeping your son from developing the way he needs to develop. These are the things parents do for their kids when it is needed. I don't think it will take a month because he will see that it is likely that you won't give in, and that he gets more for making progress than he does for staying in the same old ways.

Thank you Susie, that is so nice to hear for once... I'm a believer that children need to be taught early on how to appreciate hard work... that's what I was taught and it worked ok for me... Before having my son I worked as a practical nurse and spent a lot of time with both the elderly and younger children so I guess that may be where that idea stems from. I should probably have been more clear in my initial post but I suppose I didn't think I had to be...

 

[mommabear34]

And I wanted to add that I've been dealing with some teenagers lately who act exactly the way you are describing Susie... they don't feel like they need to go to school or even do the work but expect everything will be handed to them.. I really do not want my son to have that mentality when he grows up... all the more reason for me to instil this "hard work pays off" attitude for my son because I really do think that it is a very important lesson everyone needs to learn in life.

 

[BusynMember]

Well, I can't argue on the entitled adult kids thing. All my kids were raised to be independent, independent and able to stand alone. Not one got a car from us or free unnecessary anything and they all grew up to have amazing work ethics and do not ever spend time unemployed. We had high expectations for even autistic son and he works hard...sometimes seven days a week.

From being here I am often glad we never had much extra money. My kids worked without complaint, even my most difficult son, for cats, college, name brand clothes, whatever they wanted. Yet they are not materialistic kids, except for oldest son and he makes a lot of money.

So in the end all three of us are on the same page

 

[mommabear34]

Thanks... it's been really hard with my 5 year old... he was diagnosed about two years ago but honestly he behaves like a completely different child since then. At that time he was not yet potty trained and he barely spoke... we were extremely concerned... of course after we received his official diagnosis we were a little heartbroken but it runs in his dads side of the family so it's not a completely new thing for us. And with early intervention and a lot of hard work my son has made some drastic improvements... the majority of people don't even think he is autistic which is kind of nice in some ways but he does have some sensory issues and anger issues so we still have some things to work on. But I really must say in the last two years alone my son has done a lot of hard work and has come a really long way.... and I couldn't be prouder of him for it. The night time diaper thing... he told me that he was embarrassed about using them and asked for help to stop actually... it's just now that I'm having him actually do the work (like get up and walk to the toilet) in the moment he's tired and doesn't want too. Then after he's fully awake he feels bad again that he used the pad or diaper or whatever. He knows that his friend is likely to sleep over again... I think he wants to be able to prove that he is a "big boy" too in this way.. (his friend is 7 years old, so two years older than him) but thank you for your response and I appreciate you taking the time to respond to me.

 

[BusynMember]

You and your son are heroes, mommabear. Your son is getting help now and is embrace g it. He will continue to do great

 

[mommabear34]

Thank you for saying that As you know it's a hard road but for me it's also a very rewarding one as well

 

[susiestar]

You are definitely heroes! And it IS a hard road, but a totally rewarding one - and so many people are just not privileged enough to get to travel on this road!

This hard work WILL pay off. There were times I thought it was hopeless, especially when dealing with the anger when my son was a teen. Now he is an adult, living on his own, few people know he is on the spectrum, and he is AMAZING! It was ALL worth it, every single minute.

 

[mommabear34]

Thank you Susie I am so proud of all that he has accomplished so far... I am however very nervous for him being mainstreamed into public school for grade one next year... and his anger is quite worrisome... a couple months ago he hit me with a hockey stick... gave me bruises... I already have issues with my back so we're really trying to get these temper tantrums under control before he gets to big for me to be able to be able to physically defend myself... that was the worst incident so far... since then his father and I have been more united in his discipline... which is extremely helpful for me because before there was a kind of "fun parent, strict parent" situation going on so now that his dad realizes that he needs to follow through with what he says consequences will be (the same way as I do) and as often as I do my son is slowly becoming less bossy and his temper tantrums are happening fewer and with less intensity. As I said before even with me taking his precious TV shows away the past few days he's been amazingly well behaved. So I think that we've been spoiling him up until recently... because we really didn't know the difference between a meltdown and a temper tantrum. But now that I know the difference (I can hear it in the way he cries and when he's having a tantrum and he thinks he's going to get what he wants he will calm down in an instant) I can act accordingly. The first few weeks were pretty rough lol... he really fought back and tested those limits but I must say that since he's been back in school and in his regular routine again he's never been this well behaved. And happy. And without the TV on all afternoon. I couldn't be more pleased! He's still working on peeing at night... last night he decided to pee BEFORE we even went to sleep and his reasoning was that he thought he wouldn't have to wake up later... so we're still working on it but as long as he's trying that's all I'm asking of him.

 

[susiestar]

I am sorry you have to deal with the rages/tantrums/meltdowns. Consistent discipline works wonders for the tantrums. Kids on the autistic spectrum usually do extremely well with very set rules. The Love and Logic books are amazing if you haven't read them. (Parenting Your Child With Love and Logic by Fay and Cline, and they have a lot of other books and things. you can learn more at www.loveandlogic.com)

My hubby and I had the fun parent/strict parent thing going, and in many ways still do. But I can count on him when I need him, which is why we just had our 25th anniversary. When Wiz was off the rails, my husband worked almost 90 min away and didn't see a lot of the violence at home. He truly didn't understand a lot of it. The L&L books really helped him get on the same page as me as far as discipline. It was a program he could understand where a lot of others just didn't seem to make sense to him. That helped a lot. It is based on a lot of common sense and logical consequences, even the programs designed for young children. It also values hard work and teaching life skills, which I think you will like.

You have helped your son learn and grow so much, and it is amazing. Are you doing sensory things? Do you have The Out of Sync Child Has Fun? We actually wore several copies of the book out because it simply is fun for everyone. But it is also good therapy and the author has notes to make activities less expensive, which is super helpful. I found that some of the activities could really cut down on the frustration my kids felt, and that really reduced the fighting and violence. Which activities helped? That depended on the child and the day.

One other thing that we found that HUGELY helped cut down the violence for our son was to watch his protein intake. Making sure that his snacks had a good amount of protein and less carbs, especially sugar/simple carbs, made a big difference. I always had an after school snack with protein for the ride home, even if we were not going anywhere after school. I encouraged my kids to choose Balance bars instead of candy bars if we were at a store looking for a snack or treat.

By always having a protein bar or beef jerky or some sort of snack with protein that my difficult child liked in my purse, I could give it to him when I noticed him start to get moody. Or when he told me he was starting to get grumpy. It worked out well in reducing the both the tantrums because he didn't get his way AND the meltdowns because he couldn't cope. As my youngest grew, it also worked very well with him, though he was not prone to be violent with his meltdowns, he just went into sensory overload and couldn't cope with the world.

 

[BusynMember]

Hon, maybe you should try to get an aide for your precious son in school...a man perhaps who can help him get back in control if he loses it. Does he have an IEP?

My own son learned the most in a small classroom as all stimuli distracted him. He had an amazing Special Education teacher for math and reading until middle school, which helped him get ready for mainstreaming. He had an aide when he went to his mainstream classes in elementary school, such as science class, and he shared her with two other kids. She hung in the back of the class. If he needed her help to do his work he could quietly get up and walk to her or just turn around. The mainstream kids would go up to her too...lol.

In his smaller class my son was a star. He was the most intelligent so he liked to help the other kids. He gained confidence and leadership skills that he retains today. His compassion for others is over the top. He is very happy in his own skin.

Like your son, nobody thinks he is on the spectrum just to look at him and he has learned to do some things he has to do, like not blurt things out loud and making steady eye contact. He has good self control and does not burst into song as he used to do alone in his room...lol. My daughter and I used to laugh. He has a beautiful voice. He would also talk to his video game characters in his room...it was funny...but never do this when playing games in front of his peers. He does not act out, although he did at home when he was young.

They learn. Autism is a neurological difference and a developmental delay. They can learn appropriate behavior and catch up


My son was a hyper little man when we first adopted him. We didn't sleep for two years because he didn't sleep for two years .

But he kept improving. As your son is. Once my son, like yours, got help he took off, like yours is.

Your son is eager to learn.
I love that! He will learn
High functioning autistic kids tend to continue to improve as they age. I am so happy your son is going forward. He will do well.

 

[mommabear34]

Thanks Susie, we have looked at the love and logic books, actually his dad does a lot of research and reading on how to help our son better... it's just following through with consequences that he's still having some trouble with... but as our little guy gets older and becomes more obviously defiant (especially towards his dad) he's realizing how important it is to stick to our rules and stay united in front of him. But The Out of Sync Child Has Fun book I haven't heard of so I will look into that as well. We currently have a bunch of books and videos coming from Australia from a doctor who has specialized in autism spectrum disorders since 1971 and are eager to receive them. We've also ordered "buzzers" Which you have your child wear like watches on both wrists that give tiny electrical impulses to help children with autism and other disorders calm down, get better sleep, reduce anxiety and so on. It's a bit of a different type of treatment than what is conventional but studies so far suggest drastic improvement in the areas I've previously mentioned and we actually have to wait until the end of January until the company that makes them can process our order... as they are in such high demand. So for a couple hundred bucks why not give it a try right? We also have added vitamin D and Omegas into his diet. I also find it interesting that you mentioned protein... he's a very fussy eater but absolutely loves anything that's protein... meat, peanut butter, sausage so we give him as much as he'll eat lol... he's not really allowed much sugar because it sends him bouncing off the walls and makes him very irritable... it's funny because we held Christmas dinner in our home this year so I bought pop (which is usually not in our house) and he was so excited about it lol... but it wasn't even the pop itself I think because I kept finding full open cans for a couple days afterwards lol...

-- do you happen to know what kind of protein bars are safe for young children that are sold in Canada? I'm going to try that...

SOT... This year my son is in kindergarten, but in a special school for children with special needs. He's been going there since pre-k... They have Occupational Therapist (OT), Speach, Physio and all of that right there in the school and every child gets an assessment weekly by each of them. There are 9 students in his class, with two full time aides and one that floats between two classrooms. Next year he will be transferring into a mainstream public school (which is why I'm nervous) but he will have an aide available to him. I think It would be beneficial for his aide to be a male but his dad prefers a female... this is because there was an incident in my fiancée's childhood that makes him leary of men having access to young children... especially with special needs. Before attending his current school my son was in a "pre-pre-k program... and he was not yet very verbal. He was also not quite potty trained yet. There were a couple incidents (one one the bus and I think one at school with a female staff member) that caused us great concern. So much so that I ended up pulling him out of the program and putting him into the other program at his current school.

When something happens to my son that makes him sad or embarrassed he shuts down... and will not tell us what happened. It's a lot better than it was but at that time he barely spoke as it was... and unfortunately the adults that were involved took advantage of that.

And you know what? It wasn't until after he was out of that school that he started to really improve. It may be coincidencial, but I don't think so. Yeah and now I believe he is doing amazingly well... we just have a few things to work on. Even before he started kindergarten he could write his name... he is able to recite our address and phone number, (plus we just moved in September) can count to 110 without getting mixed up.. basic addition and subtraction between 1 -10 and is on the verge of reading. He recognizes many words and can read two and three letter words, knows his abc's, left from right (I even still get that mixed up lol) and is very eager to learn new things. The issue we are having at school is that he's bored of the curriculum so he and another child that can read are pulled out of class while the other children are doing abc's and whatnot my son and the other child are starting to read! I'm definitely a proud mom! He's doing so well it's like he's a completely different child now... compared to two years ago. Two years ago I was told that he would likely depend on me for the rest of his life... now... I don't think that's necessarily true.

 

[BusynMember]

Great job fof you snd son. My son was also early with reading and numbers. He has a great memory.

 

[mommabear34]

Yeah mine does too... but he misplaces things all the time lol, and thank you... he's doing all the work... I'm so proud of him!!... and my son always bursts into song at home lol! And we have music/dance parties all the time!

 

[mommabear34]

Well I am so happy to report that today my son woke up and WALKED to the toilet and peed IN the toilet today!!! I am so happy and proud of him!!! Mostly happy that I am able to give him his tv shows back and getting to see how he reacts when he gets the "reward" of the trip once he has no accidents for a while... I'm so proud of him!!! He sure put up a fight tho... wow... lol... but I'm hoping that this is the beginning of a new chapter in our house... rewarding good behaviour and not simply ignoring bad behaviour (that wasn't working) yay!! So happy today!!!