Help Me Get Through The Day

[Catmom]

So I am leaving for work today and saw my son who I made leave my house a few weeks back. He was walking around, said he doesn't know what became of his car since it broke down, he doesn't have a job and doesn't have a place to stay. I told him I would take him to his dad's house since he said my son could stay there under very strict rules. My son said "no" not right now. He said he is going to a friend's to take a shower. Also, he says, although I don't believe anything as he has been lying to me for years, that he sleeps at the grocery store by my house since he is homeless. I have to admit, it does embarrass me, and makes me feel bad n sad. Too many emotions to deal with...I just left him and went on my way to work. I now have to get thru this day and put on a happy face when I just want to cry and go home. I feel like he will only accept me letting him move back to my house or nothing. I guess he wants to go to my house bc in the past, I put up with so so much. Just feeling down and out today.

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

Be strong and stay strong. You are doing the right thing even if it seems cruel.

 

[so ready to live]

I'm so sorry Catmom. Many of us have been through similar circumstances. You did the right thing...you offered assist to his Dad's but he chose not to go. Yes, probably because of the rules. But HE chose this and you respected his choice as an adult. That's the hard break for us all because we know there's better out there for them and they refuse to grasp it. I personally know the heartache of stopping in my car to talk to my son (cold and backpack on him) in the park...where he was staying. If I had a dime for every time I have said "I don't get it", I could send all our sons to private rehab! But I had to go on to work, that's what grownups do, and leave him there. Yes, put on a happy face and engage in something else, anything else. That will be better for you, he has to decide what's better for him. You've done all you can. You are strong. This is so hard. Prayers.

 

[BusynMember]

He doesnt have to be homeless. He is choosing homelessness over following rules. It is his own decision. It is typical that an adult child who brought you to this forum is so defiant against sensible rules that he'd choose to have nowhere to live over complying with house rules.

Always remember that it is his decision to be homeless. Even shelters have rules.

I know it will be very hard, but try t have a nice day!!

 

[bluebell]

Our son left around the same time yours did. We have allowed our son to come in and take a shower and get his bearings occasionally. I don't know if it is the right thing, but it fulfills a need in us to stay connected. BUT he has a place to live. I think that makes all the difference in this situation. I'm sure he will wear out his welcome and then the drama will start. Stay strong and yes, please do have a nice day!

 

[RN0441]

Catmom:
I agree with the others. He isn't ready to stay at dad's and follow the rules. It's really on him. That should help you deal with your feelings.

OMG it's all so hard. Not minimizing that at all. But if you can say over and over that it's HIS choice that may help you.

Not sure if you're seeing someone to talk about this but it will help.

Hugs and stay strong.

 

[Catmom]

Thanks so much all of you. I see a therapist and coincidently I was there yesterday but I have come to rely on you guys right now as you truly understand. Thank you, I felt like crawling into a hole and crying, but I came to work and between you guys and a few close friends, and funny enough, my ex-hubby, I feel like I am back to being the tough mom I have to be. And yes, it hurts like heck, especially when I am to be cheerful at work! Ugggg.

 

[Tanya M]

Hang in there Catmom!!

Our difficult children are very good at tapping into our emotions and they have no problem using them against us. It's my guess that he's hoping you will feel so sorry for him that you will let him come back home.

What @SomewhereOutThere said is very true, your son is choosing to be homeless over following rules.

You have nothing to feel embarrassed about. Your son has made his choice to live the way he is. Please don't let his choice be a reflection on you. Sure people may see him and know he's living on the streets and that he's your son but do not let their opinions or whispers get to you.

I think Dr. Suess says it best.

 

[Lost in sadness]

Thinking of you today xx

 

[Crayola13]

So I am leaving for work today and saw my son who I made leave my house a few weeks back. He was walking around, said he doesn't know what became of his car since it broke down, he doesn't have a job and doesn't have a place to stay. I told him I would take him to his dad's house since he said my son could stay there under very strict rules. My son said "no" not right now. He said he is going to a friend's to take a shower. Also, he says, although I don't believe anything as he has been lying to me for years, that he sleeps at the grocery store by my house since he is homeless. I have to admit, it does embarrass me, and makes me feel bad n sad. Too many emotions to deal with...I just left him and went on my way to work. I now have to get thru this day and put on a happy face when I just want to cry and go home. I feel like he will only accept me letting him move back to my house or nothing. I guess he wants to go to my house bc in the past, I put up with so so much. Just feeling down and out today.

Nobody is forcing him to sleep at the grocery store. You did the right thing by offering to take him to his dad's house.

 

[Carri]

My son is also homeless, so I can totally relate to your pain. There's nothing more heart wrenching than seeing my son wearing his backpack walking down the street. He looks like a complete stranger to me. Thank God we have jobs to go to, to keep our minds busy. I think I could win an academy award for showing up to work each day and appearing to be happy and positive. If only my colleagues knew... Hang in there Catmom. This is a great place to come to. Also, Alanon and Naranon have really helped to keep me centered. Maybe one day our sons will want more for themselves.

 

[Echolette]

He looks like a complete stranger to me.

I thought I knew my son--all of my sons--but I could never ever have imagined that he would sleep under a bridge and sit on carboard in front of the McDonalds 1/2 mile from my house, begging. So...as it turns out, I don't know him. I love him, and there are parts of him I see clearly and know,but there is much I cannot and will never know. He is, in fact, a stranger to me.
I think a lot of us struggle with the belief that we know them, that we can help them, that we will uncover the path to making them better BECAUSE WE LOVE AND KNOW THEM SO WELL. But, as is often pointed out, they aren't our babies any more, not the sweet huggy things with the wide smalls, not the promising young musicians or students. At some point they went underground from us, and it is unlikely that we know them or understand them anymore.
My son is a stranger to me. I don't know when he is lying, or why. I don't know what his goals are. Oddly, that is OK. ONCe I could let go of the split that that belief caused, the frustration at the seeming irrationality of his decisions (because if I knew him, then his decisions should make some kind of sense in the framework of what I knew, right? but they never did) I became more peaceful. I love him. I don't know him. I don't know what motivates him. So I have no expectations. And it is better for both of us this way. We have more peace between us.
My heart hurts for you, Cat. But I hope you have hope that you will feel better at some point.
Echo

 

[bluebell]

I keep saying over and over 'I don't understand his life.' husband is sick of me saying this but it's all I can think anymore. I had a dream about my son the other night, one of those vivid dreams. He was little and had his big smile and was stuck to me like glue. I could feel him. I don't know where he went. I wanted to reach out to him and ask him, but what kind of answer would I possibly get? And I know kids grow up, yes I get that. But I still know my daughter as I knew her as a baby, she is the same person, I don't know if that even makes sense to anyone else, but it does to me...

I love him. I don't know him. I don't know what motivates him. So I have no expectations. And it is better for both of us this way. We have more peace between us.

I love this. The expectations that I have held on to for so long, inner peace is really about managing expectations. And we have so many for our children. We kind of set ourselves up for a lottery when we bring them home, don't we?

 

[Copabanana]

My heart is with yours. You are doing this. It is not easy. You are not alone.

 

[BusynMember]

None of us are the same as we were as children. Life changes us, one way or another.
Again, i know how this hurts and I am so sorry. My son (goaded by his wife) cut contact too.
She will come back if boyfriend leaves or she leaves him. She is young...unlike my son when he did this. Time is on your side. I know you are a great mother.

 

[Catmom]

My son hasn't been in contact with me for over a week. He still doesn't have a phone so I don't know how to reach him. I believe he is still staying at a friend's house but not sure exactly. It's kind of sad that on one hand I feel down and out and yet on the other hand our family is doing so well without the constant drama. I guess for now I will take it one day at a time and if I feel sad, I just pray.

 

[bluebell]

I wish I could say the same about the no contact right in this moment catmom. I'm fielding texts from my son now, he's wanting to change his cell phone number. I won't do it without the cash first. It's ridiculous. He must be in trouble with someone or something. He's lucky I pay for the phone at all - the only reason I do is so I can locate him (don't tell him that), now he's wanting me to pay the number change fee on credit. Just more of the same crap...

 

[RN0441]

Catmom

Like I've learned here and just told an old friend that just kicked her son out and then found needles, they have to FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE in order for them to change. We don't want them to feel uncomfortable. We want to make everything good and comfortable for them. This is a hard habit to break.

This forum is really a Gift from God.

 

[Echolette]

This made my heart ache, in a way that I have to say I try to avoid...

I had a dream about my son the other night, one of those vivid dreams. He was little and had his big smile and was stuck to me like glue. I could feel him. I don't know where he went.

but at the same time there is something nice about remembering that little boy with the wide smile. I too, can feel his warm wiggly body sometimes. I'm glad I had that. I'm glad he had that. Its good to remember that.

We kind of set ourselves up for a lottery when we bring them home, don't we?

We do. Some of my kids are quite overt about not wanting to have children, and I remain silent. I am glad I had my children, all of them, but still. My sister has an extremely large adult disabled child, completely dependent upon her and big enough that if he sits in a chair it will splinter. She would not say this but I would say it has ruined her life. He will be with her till she dies and he is a financial and emotional and physical disaster. Our society is not prepared for that at all, and she is substantially on her own dealing with him. Yes, a lottery. But then I guess that is true of much of life.

None of us are the same as we were as children.

Yes, SWOT, that is so. I also think, when I write about not knowing my son, that my mother didn't know an awful lot of things about me (and was happier that way! and so was I!) but still...they way we don't know these kids is different. The chasm is deeper. There is more loss there. But yes, the perspective that we all change is helpful. And whatever the degree...it is what it is. It is a thing in our lives to accept. We don't understand. We cannot change them. But we can change ourselves, and our relationship to them to something healthier and better. That is where this forum helped me so very much.

Echo

 

[BusynMember]

Well, any drug is a game changer, pot included, since people take drugs to blur reality. They are not happy in their own skins and that hurts. in my opinion that is more often caused by insecurity and poor social skills than because of us, but of course we blame purselves. And some of them like to blame us too.

It is so hard, when things are at worst, not to remember beyyer memories of a loving, sweet child who had not yet been jaded by the world...