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Help with my 13 year old step daughter.
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 723502" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I am sorry you have had to go through all of this. Sorrier still that your children have had to. I am willing to bet that as soon as the other children truly believe she isn't going to come back to live with them, they will tell you other things she has done to them. Things that will upset you even more. This won't be the first time she wandered in the night.</p><p></p><p>I would bet that you are looking at a combination of fetal alcohol effects and Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Reactive Attachment disorder is incredibly hard to diagnose. Almost every psychiatrist and psychologist will get it wrong, largely because people with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) are so manipulative. The fetal alcohol probably interferes with that, so people get a sense that something is wrong with her, but they don't know what or how to deal with it. The way she grabs on to just any old person and is overly affectionate with them is Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) happens when major trauma happens to a child before the age of 3. That can be abuse, especially sexual abuse, or neglect. Neglect really seems to break something in children. Given her mother's problems, she probably had a combination of traumas that your husband couldn't do anything about. Now he can only keep her away from the rest of the kids so that she doesn't damage them irreparably. </p><p></p><p>He can help her get into residential help if she becomes a danger, but that is just incredibly hard to do. Keeping her in an inpatient setting is pretty much impossible a lot of the time. She will probably do something to someone and get caught though. It is sad, but it is also reality. She seems to like to hurt animals, and that is a precursor to hurting people. You simply must keep her away from the other children and the animals. You have a duty to protect them, even from her. </p><p></p><p>No, it is not wrong to want to take a vacation without her. You know you cannot keep everyone safe from her if you are staying in a hotel. Not even if she is in a separate hotel room can you keep everyone safe. It would be the PERFECT opportunity for her to find a little alone time with one of the other kids and hurt them or sexually abuse them. The main reason a child sexually abuses another child is that they were sexually abused. Given that she most likely was sexually abused at some point at her mothers, given her behavior, she just cannot have alone time with the other kids. So she cannot go on the vacation. It is that simple. Go on the trip without her. Tell her that because of her behavior, you don't feel it is safe to take her. None of you want to sleep in a room with her, and you won't take the risk that she will harm one of you in your sleep. She assaulted you in your sleep. That is what cutting your hair that way is, an ASSAULT! It wasn't some childish trick. She meant it to be threatening and it was. How could you even think of taking her to Disney with you? Who would sit on her in those dark rides? Who knows where her hands would be? I am sorry to be so blunt, but yuck!</p><p></p><p>You are a great mom. You have great instincts and you are listening to them. Continue to do that. They tell you that she is a huge danger and that something is seriously wrong with her. You have protected your children, because you knew you needed to. Keep up the good work! </p><p></p><p>At some point CPS is going to throw a fit about N being back in her mother's house if her mother is using drugs or suspected of it. You need to document the hair cutting as an assault. See if you can still file charges against her, even if the cops don't want you to file them. Insist that it is an assault. (It actually it, she severed part of your body!). This is the first step to making CPS rehome her rather than forcing you to take her back into your home. Whatever CPS does, protect your son above all.</p><p></p><p>Keep posting and reading here. We truly understand. We have been there and we won't judge you, no matter what. When my oldest was 14, I had to make him leave our home and live with my parents. He kept trying to kill his little sister, he had been trying for years. I have health problems and Wiz was finally big enough that I couldn't stop him. It was so bad that someone was going to end up dead or maimed and someone was going to end up in prison if my son didn't move to my parents. My parents spoiled him rotten, but they also somehow managed to civilize him. And to socialize him. Wiz has a type of autism and pretty much hated me. Now? I have my son back. He has a good relationship with his siblings and family gatherings are fun. </p><p></p><p>I don't know if you will have that outcome with N though. Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) doesn't really go away and doesn't tend to have great outcomes. Plus animal abuse can be a sign of really nasty things to come. Does she start fires or play with fire? Has she ever? Does she wet the bed? Did she ever wet the bed after age 6 or 7? Ask her dad.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 723502, member: 1233"] I am sorry you have had to go through all of this. Sorrier still that your children have had to. I am willing to bet that as soon as the other children truly believe she isn't going to come back to live with them, they will tell you other things she has done to them. Things that will upset you even more. This won't be the first time she wandered in the night. I would bet that you are looking at a combination of fetal alcohol effects and Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Reactive Attachment disorder is incredibly hard to diagnose. Almost every psychiatrist and psychologist will get it wrong, largely because people with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) are so manipulative. The fetal alcohol probably interferes with that, so people get a sense that something is wrong with her, but they don't know what or how to deal with it. The way she grabs on to just any old person and is overly affectionate with them is Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) happens when major trauma happens to a child before the age of 3. That can be abuse, especially sexual abuse, or neglect. Neglect really seems to break something in children. Given her mother's problems, she probably had a combination of traumas that your husband couldn't do anything about. Now he can only keep her away from the rest of the kids so that she doesn't damage them irreparably. He can help her get into residential help if she becomes a danger, but that is just incredibly hard to do. Keeping her in an inpatient setting is pretty much impossible a lot of the time. She will probably do something to someone and get caught though. It is sad, but it is also reality. She seems to like to hurt animals, and that is a precursor to hurting people. You simply must keep her away from the other children and the animals. You have a duty to protect them, even from her. No, it is not wrong to want to take a vacation without her. You know you cannot keep everyone safe from her if you are staying in a hotel. Not even if she is in a separate hotel room can you keep everyone safe. It would be the PERFECT opportunity for her to find a little alone time with one of the other kids and hurt them or sexually abuse them. The main reason a child sexually abuses another child is that they were sexually abused. Given that she most likely was sexually abused at some point at her mothers, given her behavior, she just cannot have alone time with the other kids. So she cannot go on the vacation. It is that simple. Go on the trip without her. Tell her that because of her behavior, you don't feel it is safe to take her. None of you want to sleep in a room with her, and you won't take the risk that she will harm one of you in your sleep. She assaulted you in your sleep. That is what cutting your hair that way is, an ASSAULT! It wasn't some childish trick. She meant it to be threatening and it was. How could you even think of taking her to Disney with you? Who would sit on her in those dark rides? Who knows where her hands would be? I am sorry to be so blunt, but yuck! You are a great mom. You have great instincts and you are listening to them. Continue to do that. They tell you that she is a huge danger and that something is seriously wrong with her. You have protected your children, because you knew you needed to. Keep up the good work! At some point CPS is going to throw a fit about N being back in her mother's house if her mother is using drugs or suspected of it. You need to document the hair cutting as an assault. See if you can still file charges against her, even if the cops don't want you to file them. Insist that it is an assault. (It actually it, she severed part of your body!). This is the first step to making CPS rehome her rather than forcing you to take her back into your home. Whatever CPS does, protect your son above all. Keep posting and reading here. We truly understand. We have been there and we won't judge you, no matter what. When my oldest was 14, I had to make him leave our home and live with my parents. He kept trying to kill his little sister, he had been trying for years. I have health problems and Wiz was finally big enough that I couldn't stop him. It was so bad that someone was going to end up dead or maimed and someone was going to end up in prison if my son didn't move to my parents. My parents spoiled him rotten, but they also somehow managed to civilize him. And to socialize him. Wiz has a type of autism and pretty much hated me. Now? I have my son back. He has a good relationship with his siblings and family gatherings are fun. I don't know if you will have that outcome with N though. Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) doesn't really go away and doesn't tend to have great outcomes. Plus animal abuse can be a sign of really nasty things to come. Does she start fires or play with fire? Has she ever? Does she wet the bed? Did she ever wet the bed after age 6 or 7? Ask her dad. [/QUOTE]
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