My two are off the radar. For now. I don’t know what they are doing. Sigh. There are good days and sometimes hard days for me. When it gets hard, I give it to God and pray for them to find their potential. I have to rely in faith that whatever they are doing, one day they will realize that life has so much more to offer.
I find it helpful to keep moving, early morning walks and finding ways to strengthen myself.
After so many years of up downs and sideways, it is essential for me not to allow myself to get caught up in the choices my two make.
I have no control over what they do with their lives.
The only thing I can control is my reaction and my forward momentum. Staying stagnant and enmired in despairing over their lifestyles is not an option. It does nothing for them, and just drags me down the rabbit hole along with them.
In a sense, that is what got “better” for me. Acceptance that nothing I do, or say will change their choices. I have hope for them, but know that it is not my job to house them, or to try to fix them. They have to figure that out, and I have been through enough rounds with them to understand that having them in my home allows them to continue as is, and brings drama, chaos and misery up close and personal. That is unacceptable.
It is not an easy road we are all on, but one can get through it with faith, hard work in self care and realizing that our grown children will forge their own way.
In this, I am learning to guard my heart and not allow myself to slide down that slippery slope to feeling desolate. If I feel myself slipping, prayer helps. I gave my two back to God a few years ago, asking Him to take on the task of softening their hearts and helping them find their way out of the darkness. I know it is a job way too big for me. I have to keep the faith.
In the meantime, I feel what is my job, is to work at regaining my peace and my joy. This is how it got better for me. Not basing the rest of my life on how my two choose to live theirs. After years of riding their roller coaster, I decided I just had to get off. For my own sanity. Of course, there were lots of “in your face” lessons I had to learn to get there.
One big one, was when hubs passed.
It changed nothing for my two.
That’s when I began to correlate my emotional downfall with their choices as a waste. Life is short, and I realized that no matter what I was feeling, it was just another Tuesday, for them. It was as if I was feeling their consequences more than they were, you know? Then I started to think that I had placed my life and happiness on hold for so many years, as if a bargaining for them to get better. That saying, “I would give an arm and a leg” for them to be safe, stop drugging, be responsible. They would have both of my arms and legs.
It does get better Camom. For us. It gets better with the realization the kids will do what they do and we have no control over their choices. It gets better when we know life is short, and we strive to live the best rest of our lives.
At first, that feels selfish. “How can I live well when my d c is out their struggling?”
Then, I realized that the best thing I could do is model what I wished for them, to really take care of themselves.
So, that is what I strive for. To take good care of myself. Me falling to pieces along with them, helps nothing.
You got this Camom. Keep building your toolbox, strengthen yourself.
You matter. You have the rest of your life to live.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
