Here we go again

[ThreeShadows]

Well, I tried very hard to treat difficult child 2 with respect and did a lot of the things Mr Matlem suggests, including finding mentors. Then, at age 16, difficult child met a hypersexual, manipulative druggie who informed him of his "rights" in the State of Maine, including his right to report me to CPS and consequently help endanger all the really abused kids in our community (husband testified in child abuse cases). She took him on a three year long rollercoaster ride.

In a span of a few months both husband's parents were found dead at home, my mother was found dead at home after being talked into changing her will the day before she died. difficult child 2 tried to blackmail me into taking the girl into my home and mother her, DURING this conversation I got a call from abroad informing me that my three cousins had recently died. I put my head on the table and begged difficult child to reconsider his life choices because we had experienced so many losses. He said "I DON"T CARE ABOUT YOUR LOSSES", then had the nerve to demand a ride.

I want to know where is the MUTUAL respect when a family is in such a position? We did everything we could to protect him and he only wanted to live a life of boundaryless sex, thieving, and drug filled adventure with an out of control gorgeous teen.

We tried to get the law to impose consequences but were, once again, informed of the rights of difficult child 2 even though we were still legally liable for his behavior.

Please don't feel bad about revealing your family's behavioral difficulties. Those who are wearing blinders will never create change.

Tough love and the US Army helped our difficult child to understand that that girl had done him no favors.

I'm sorry for your pain and turmoil; many warm and heartfelt hugs.

 

[meowbunny]

Let's see, I've seen posts here where a child murdered another child; where a girl was prostituting herself for drugs; where several children of both sexes have beaten their parents, threatened them and their siblings with weapons; destroyed houses; and so on and so forth. Sadly, nothing you have post is new to us. I honestly wish it was. It would be nice if many of us haven't faced exactly what you're going through. But we have and we do understand. We'll be here for you as much as we can. Take our strength when you need it, our comfort when that is what is needed, sometimes even our advice.

Okay, now that the maudlin stuff is done, did you google Child in Need of Services or Person in Need of Services (that's CHINS/PINS)? Hopefully, you'll find some answers.

I would have been calling the police when he first started breaking into the house. The odds are they won't arrest him -- it is his home -- but they might just come and talk to him, especially if you call every time he gets violent. When they tell you to call social services, I'd simply reply that things are too dangerous and volatile to wait for social services to do anything. You need help now. Don't let them try to foist things on another agency. Tell them you are in fear of being harmed, that he is threatening you. At this point, lie if you have to.

Don't give up hope, though. Our kids do grow up. Some of us are lucky and discover there really is a decent human being under all of the garbage. While my daughter never went the drug route, she did hit me. She did lie. She did steal. She did break things when she couldn't have her way or just because it was something to do. I've actually to like the person she is today. I always loved her but rarely liked her or her actions. So, there is hope.
by the way, craigslist is a great place to sell a dirt bike.

 

[maril]

Please don't feel bad because you don't have a Brady Bunch home...not many of us do! You would be surprised by the number of families who are touched by the chaos of a child. This is one place, however, that you can open up, unload and not feel judged. There is strength in these women (and men) here that I and many others have drawn upon.

Oh, thank you so much for the support!!! I am grateful beyond words to be able to express myself here and receive the wise, helpful, and kind responses. Truly, even with husband on board (we have tension between us now, and even though we're trying to align/work together, end up at times playing the blame game; so speaking to others is a better choice sometimes), I feel those not emotionally involved can give insight or ideas when husband and I are clueless; well, not really clueless but emotionally drained and numb and (I feel) in need of constructive suggestions from you all.

Thanks, again.

 

[maril]

Please don't feel bad about revealing your family's behavioral difficulties. Those who are wearing blinders will never create change.

Tough love and the US Army helped our difficult child to understand that that girl had done him no favors.

I'm sorry for your pain and turmoil; many warm and heartfelt hugs.

Reading your whole post, I am so sad for you and hope that your son is in a safer place now. How did you ever survive? How did your son do after his experience in the Army?

I do understand wearing blinders is counterproductive and you make a good point.

Thanks for your kindness.

 

[maril]

Take our strength when you need it, our comfort when that is what is needed, sometimes even our advice.

Okay, now that the maudlin stuff is done, did you google Child in Need of Services or Person in Need of Services (that's CHINS/PINS)? Hopefully, you'll find some answers.

I would have been calling the police when he first started breaking into the house. The odds are they won't arrest him -- it is his home -- but they might just come and talk to him, especially if you call every time he gets violent. When they tell you to call social services, I'd simply reply that things are too dangerous and volatile to wait for social services to do anything. You need help now. Don't let them try to foist things on another agency. Tell them you are in fear of being harmed, that he is threatening you. At this point, lie if you have to.

Don't give up hope, though. Our kids do grow up. Some of us are lucky and discover there really is a decent human being under all of the garbage. While my daughter never went the drug route, she did hit me. She did lie. She did steal. She did break things when she couldn't have her way or just because it was something to do. I've actually to like the person she is today. I always loved her but rarely liked her or her actions. So, there is hope.
by the way, craigslist is a great place to sell a dirt bike.

Wow - how encouraging you are.

I still have gotten no further with the CHINS/PINS; I did some searching and couldn't find specifics about the state in which I live (PA). I was hoping the case manager could shed some light; maybe he is not the right one to provide info? I was thinking of discussing that with him but have to wait until he is back in January ... which brings me to your point about the police and needing action in the here and now ... there are instances where it really does get out of control around here, I truly am concerned for our safety, and the police know this. Over a period of months, I have talked to them at the station, on the phone, and they have been to our home a number of times; basically keep telling us to get psychiatric help/social services help, and I keep responding that I am, I am, I am.

I am glad things worked out for you and your daughter and you all made it through the rough times!

As far as craigslist - thanks for the info. That is one of the sites difficult child visits ... can just imagine his dismay if he found his dirt bike listed there.

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

I'm another one who believes in the tough love approach. difficult child 1 is 17, actually closer to 18 now. While he hasn't been involved with drugs (at least not that I know of), he has consistently created chaos in our home. Life with him has been, for the most part, a living HE77!!!

husband and I have done everything we possibly can to help him. Unfortunately, he continues to make poor decisions. While he claims he wants to be totally independent and free from us, all of his actions state otherwise.

When he turned 16, he REFUSED to put any real effort into finding a job. Gaming is his life. He REFUSED to do anything that would interfere with his precious gaming time. We put an end to that. He is limited as to how much time he can spend gaming. However, when he isn't gaming, he does everything he can to create chaos.

Last year he wanted us to buy him a car as soon as he got his license. He said he needed one. Our response was to get a job. To date, he still doesn't have his license. He isn't interested in driving. All he is interested in is gaming.

At the end of last summer, difficult child 1 could have had a job pumping gas for a friend of husband's who owns a gas station. difficult child 1 REFUSED to go and talk to husband's friend. Pumping gas was beneath him. We were furious!!!

He is extremely bright academically and has a very high IQ. However, his grades are poor. He decided he wants to go to a private tech college. This particular college, while accredited, doesn't care about grades. As long as you're a computer "geek" and can find the funds, you can go.

We told him he would have to apply for as many scholarships as possible. We told him we will not co-sign any loans for him. (He is notorious for starting things and NEVER completing them.) My husband has been trying to light a fire under his to get him moving on this. difficult child 1 continues to put it off. He REFUSES to write the paper he needs to submit in order to apply for scholarships. In fact, the college he claims he wants to attend more than anything, has lots of available scholarships. (My husband looked into this.) difficult child 1 hasn't even applied for one of them!!!

So, to make a loooooooooong story short, difficult child 1 knows that one way or another, when he graduates from high school this Spring, he has to move out of our house. We told him he better start seriously thinking about his future because we are not going to support him while he sits on his gaming.

Yes, I definitely believe in tough love. Unless difficult child 1 has to suffer the natural consequences of his poor choices, he will NEVER become self-sufficient. Yes, I'm going to worry about him. However, he will not be allowed to come home.

We will give difficult child 1, as part of a graduation gift, first and last month's rent plus the security deposit on an apartment if he doesn't go to school. I've been putting aside some pots and pans, towels, etc. that he'll be able to take with him. After that, it will be up to him whether or not he sinks or swims.

My heart goes out to you... And, please NEVER feel embarrassed about discussing your difficult child here!!! Unfortunately, nothing I've heard here shocks me. We understand. There is no way anyone could possibly not understand who is a parent of a difficult child.

Thinking of you. WFEN

 

[maril]

WFEN: I admire you. You have a plan in place and are making your son very aware ahead of time. Good ideas to put things aside for him, too, and plans for the grad gift to go towards expenses.

Isn't it a shame that our guys are so intelligent and capable but the immaturity (I would guess that is part of the whole picture) is compromising their ability to use those gifts. Maybe we'll look back in a few years (hope it is sooner than that) and this will all be but a memory...we can only hope.

Good luck, WarriorMom, and thanks so much for your support and kindness!

 

[TerryJ2]

Marilynne, I am so sorry he kicked in the kitchen door and was aggressive yet again. The fact that he packed his bags reveals a tiny bit of planning, which, in a sense, is a good thing. So many kids just take off with-nothing. At least he'll have clothes and necessities.
I hope you can reassure yourself that he is safe in the next few days. You all need a break.
I wish I had better advice, but you've gotten some good ideas here, and since you do have a plan in place, I hope it goes well.
I've got my fingers crossed.

 

[maril]

Terry: Thank you so much. He did text me last night, telling me where he was staying (amazing that he would). I haven't seen or heard from him today but, suprisingly, I am not terribly worried. A little bit of detachment here. Peace and quiet for awhile, anyway.

 

[ThreeShadows]

Actually, Marilynne, difficult child 2 never made it to active duty. He got 18 hairline fractures in one leg and a badly messed up knee during basic. When he enlisted ALL I could think of was "oh, Lord! Please let me be the fly on the wall the first time he tells his drill sgt. to go bleep himself!". I believe he had the poor man in tears!

Please keep posting, sharing helps...

 

[maril]

ThreeShadows: "...had the poor man in tears!" LOL

How awful about the fractures as well as his knee!!! Hope he doesn't have continued problems due to those injuries.