Here we go again :(

[scaredofhim]

Just an update...the last week of school was last week, and SS refused to go almost every single day. And he didn't go the last day of school. He threw a fit and bio mom caved in and let him stay home. The plan for the summer is for him to stay home with his older brother during the day. A camp for troubled kids has been suggested by his therapist, but he says he won't go unless he gets to come home every evening, so I don't think the camp will be happening, because his mom won't make him go. So far this week, we are told he spends all day in his room on his laptop playing video games, from the moment he wakes up until bedtime. He is not showering or brushing his teeth and eating junk food all day long. He weighs over 200 pounds now. husband and I are supposed to have him for 30 days this summer, from mid July until mid August, but I don't want to do it. I am filled with fear and dread. Because husband is working second shift and lots of overtime, to include Saturdays. So he will be sleeping part of the day and then going to work. He won't be here the majority of the time and I don't think it is fair that I have to deal with SS for 30 days. He is not my child, visitation is for him to spend time with husband, who will barely be here. But I know I won't have a say so in this, I will have to deal with the 30 day visit. Ugh. Prayers appreciated.

 

[unc tarheel]

What do you mean you won't have a say? I am sorry, but I would tell husband point blank that I wouldn't do it. I can't believe that with all the history that you have shared with us, husband is not taking your feelings into consideration. I would make arrangements to stay with family or friends for those 30 days if husband is not being more reasonable. How old is SS again? He does not want to go to camp, because he knows that they will not let him do whatever he wants-- like play videogames all day.

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[unc tarheel]

Sorry, just saw how old ss is

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[jugey]

I agree with unc, you can and should refuse to live with him for 30 days. You're right....he's not your child and therefore, not your responsibility. I take it you are trying to keep peace with husband but he is asking too much of you! I hope you can come up with an alternative. Wishing you well.

 

[KTMom91]

My first husband would pick up his kids, then take off with his brother, who also dropped off his daughter, leaving me with four kids to take care of. I would put my foot down and tell husband not just no, but h3ll no! The purpose of visitation is to spend time with the non custodial parent, not the stepmom. You have valid concerns, and are not being heard. Make it clear to husband.

Hugs and good luck.

 

[scaredofhim]

A little update about the camp that has been suggested for SS. Apparently bio mom has made some plans to be away, so she is telling him he has to go and he is still flat refusing. If she tries to force him he will have a psychotic break, there is no doubt about it. But bio mom is adamant that he is going, because we think she has made plans to be away. She told us some huge lie about needing to be away for work not only the week that SS is at camp, but also the week after. I will not go into detail here, but we know for a fact that the reason she gave us for needing to be away for two weeks is not work related at all, it is a total fabrication. She has planned a little getaway, which is fine. I understand that it is difficult for her to deal with SS and her other son since they both have mental issues and she needs a break. But she hinted that she will need "someone" to keep SS the week after camp, and there is no way in you-know-where that I am going to agree to babysit him. She can have her mother come and watch him or take him to her brothers. husband will not be here the majority of the time due to his work schedule, the very same reason I don't want to do SS's 30 day visit this summer. The 30 day visit is the regular summer visitation, but bio mom's little getaway is not. We are not obligated to keep him. He is not my child, and I am not doing it, period. Bio mom told us that SS is becoming more and more anti-social, like a hermit. He stays in his room almost 24 hours a day, comes down to eat and goes back up and gets back on the computer to play games. His hygiene continues to be atrocious. We did get him to shower while he was here visiting last weekend. I picked up the clothes that he had been wearing to wash them and the smell of the clothes was absolutely horrible. I asked him when he showered last and he couldn't remember, and I asked how long he had been wearing those clothes and he couldn't remember that either. His toenails are long and dirty and he won't cut them. And he got urine and feces all over the toilet again this past weekend. Ugh! This is all just too much for me...it's too much stress. I was just diagnosed last week with a underactive thyroid and a huge painful cyst on my right ovary. Dr. thinks it's benign so they are going to follow it with repeat ultrasounds to make sure it stays stable or resolves. But I am in pain, stressed, dealing with menopause symptoms too...plus my oldest daughter's liver is failing and my younger sister just had a stoke last month and she was just told yesterday that her kidneys are failing as well. I just feel so overwhelmed right now. I am not up to dealing with SS too. God help me....Prayers appreciated.

 

[jugey]

Sorry to hear things are still so difficult and really sorry to hear you and yours are struggling with health issues. You really are in an impossible situation. How long have you been married to difficult child's dad?

I feel like you're in a similar situation to us. I'm waiting for an "event" to take place to change things up. I expect it to be stressful but something has to give!

Sending good wishes your way

 

[unc tarheel]

I am so sorry to hear this. Prayers going for you......

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[BusynMember]

Scared, tell your husband no, you are afraid of him and that the visit is supposed to be with HIM, not YOU and he won't even be around. Then plan to visit somebody or book a hotel, if you can afford it, for his entire visit. Your husband is still in denial and apparently is more concerned with not ticking off his clueless ex or else pretending SS is halfway normal and not dangerous than protecting YOU. Because you are in danger from him, you should be his first concern.

If he will not take care of your health and well being, YOU have to step up and be good to yourself and do it. This kid will eventually probably end up in some locked facility where he won't be able to do his laptop all day, but, until then, I really don't blame bio. mom for not forcing him to do anything. He is probably pretty big and strong now and, as you have said, he is dangerous. I would not force a dangerous twelve year old to brush his teeth or get off the laptop. Let's face it, in the back of her mind, bio. mom knows and she is not a fan of having a laptop bang her in the head and give her a concussion, which he very well might do if she tries to discipline him in a normal way.

Both of his bio. parents will probably get a wake up call by the police and in a very unpleasant and unexpected way. You, however, are the smart one and won't be surprised. You have plenty of my prayers. Have you ever thought about divorce? This man is not the guy you probably thought he was before you moved in with him. He doesn't seem to care about you at all.

This is not your average, every day step child.You did not create his issues and you can't fix them. And the bio's won't fix them. If he went to camp, he'd just be sent home. He wouldn't listen to their rules either.

Please don't put yourself in harm's way.

 

[scaredofhim]

MWM,

No, I have never thought about divorce, I love my husband more than words can say. While it is difficult to deal with SS, I will not throw away my marriage because of those difficulties. No way I am doing that. husband loves me very much, I have no doubts whatsoever about that. We have a wonderful relationship. husband just happens to have a blind spot where SS is concerned. Like you said, husband and bio mom will be getting a wake-up call by the police in a very unpleasant and unexpected way eventually. In any event, staying in a hotel is not an option financially, I wish it were. I am just going to have to try and talk to husband about this and help him to see my side of it. Thank you so much for the prayers......

 

[PirateMom]

No, I have never thought about divorce, I love my husband more than words can say. While it is difficult to deal with SS, I will not throw away my marriage because of those difficulties. No way I am doing that. husband loves me very much, I have no doubts whatsoever about that. We have a wonderful relationship.

Heh, I was just about to hold up a stop sign as it sound like things were spiraling out with the suggestion of divorce. People come here to rant and vent frustrations but readers need to remember that there is another side they don't see; The love and commitment and good times. We all get frustrated with our partners and want to ring their necks or smack them up side the head (figuratively) it doesn't mean they don't love us or that we don't care about them. We are all just here to let off some steam really. To feel there are others out their like us, dealing with the same thing and take comfort in that.

*hugs*

The next few years might be difficult but it will pass, everyday is a step closer.

 

[TerryJ2]

Ohhh nooo, I am so sorry. Custody with-biomom is the clincher. You are stuck. And so is he.
So so so very frustrating. I wish I had some advice.
Sending hugs.

 

[scaredofhim]

Well the camp thing happened last week, sort of. First of all, bio mom lied to SS and told him he would be allowed to take his laptop and cell phone to camp, so he was willing to go. We had him that weekend and were to meet bio mom at the camp on Sunday evening. We get there, and the house parent sees the laptop and cell and says, "oh I am sorry sweetie but you are not allowed to have those things here." SS immediately went into meltdown mode, with bio mom lying through her teeth saying it was her understanding that he was allowed to bring them. The house parent tried to calm SS down and he was screaming and swinging his arms and stomping. She told bio mom and us to go ahead and leave and she would get him calmed down. Bio mom couldn't leave fast enough, she practically ran to her car and was out of there! But SS latched onto husband's arm and wailed "please don't leave me!!!!!! I don't want to stay here!!! But the house parent said go, so I pulled husband away from SS and led him to the car. husband was furious that bio mom lied to SS about being able to have the laptop at camp. Anyway, soon as we got in the car SS started calling husband's cell. He put it on mute and didn't answer. SS stayed at camp a day and a half and then the house parent called bio mom and told her to come and get him, he was causing too much disruption with his constant outbursts. As for the summer visit for SS at our house, it is not going to be 30 days because I refused to do it that long. So he will be here 19 days starting on the 16th of July. I am furious that I have to deal with this for even 19 days. As I mentioned before, husband is on second shift and will only be here around 4 hours a day and he is working Saturdays and overtime as well. Which means I am stuck having to deal with SS all day every day and until late at night. I am not happy about it, and a matter of fact I am very upset. I can tell you one thing, I don't intend to make SS's time here pleasant. I am not going to sit here and have SS online from the time he opens his eyes until he goes to bed late at night, not showering or brushing his teeth and only coming downstairs to ask for food. I will disconnect the router for several hours a day if I have to. And if I do that he will probably beg his mom to let him come home so with any luck he won't stay the whole 19 days. Ugh. I hate this so much. All I do is cry.

 

[PirateMom]

Ugh! I'm sure they gave her the rules of the camp and what was and wasn't allowed. I'm guessing she thought fibbing to him would keep him calm and willing to go and then hope it all worked out in the end, when in fact it only made it worse. I think unplugging the router is a GREAT idea! Be prepared for a fight and a fit but if you do it everyday and make it routine he'll get use to it.

 

[scaredofhim]

I could care less if he gets used to the router being unplugged. I hope that by not being able to be online all day and half the night he will beg his mom to let him come home.

 

[BusynMember]

If you are unwillihg to tell your husband he stops this nonsense or you will leave, there is really nothing that will change or anything that any of us can tell you that will help. I'm not sure why you want to stay with such a selfish man, but if you do stay with him, expect him to continue being selfish and putting you at risk and we can't offer you much since you are willing to accomodate him and stay with him no matter how shabbily he treats you.

I'm sorry, but this is something you are doing to yourself. You may love the man, but the cost is very high and may hurt you physically and emotionally if you stay with him. As long you you are married to him, and never threaten to go (and mean it), he will continue these games.

The ball is in YOUR court now. You act or you agree to status quo.

 

[PirateMom]

Why is this the husbands fault? Some of the advice you give MidWest seems to randomly attack the males in peoples lives. You are pretty quick to judge them and tell people to divorce or leave. She's made very clear that she loves her husband. The problems here seems to be the child's biological mother who has cultivated her son into getting what he wants, doing what he wants and then leaving other people to have to 'deal' with him when she doesn't want too.

And there is something WE can offer her and that is a place to vent, support, love and sometimes tough love. But trying to tearing relationships and marriages apart is not what we are here for.

 

[BusynMember]

The husband is his father. The stepmother is not the child's mother. That's why. He is sticking her with a dangerous child while he works shift work. This child should never be alone with her. Apparently you need to do some back reading and get back to me. In this case, it is both their faults in my opinion. Stepmother is unwilling to force the issue by telling her husband she will leave if he forces her to care for a child who is almost as dangerous as a gown man and the husband wants her to do all the caretaking of this violent child who is probably as big as she is and is not against fighting.

in my opinion they are both guilty of allowing this situation to continue. You are free to have another view after you read all the posts she has posted here. You can read older posts.

"The definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." I forget which great person spoke these wonderfully true words.

This is not just the bio. mother's fault nor is it just a child who is undisciplined. This child is heading for prison and is way beyond just normally undisciplined. Get the story before you attack. Thank you.

Whether or not she loves him, he is treating her like dirt and putting her in danger. Sorry, but I have offered her tons of support, but she never does anything to change the situation. Thus insanity.

 

[pasajes4]

The person posting has made it clear that she does not want to end her marriage because of this issue. MWM shared her thoughts on the situation. I believe that the point being made is that if things do not change, for her safety, she may have to make that decision. She has some very valid reasons to be concerned and her husband is totally disregarding those concerns.

People have responded to her request for advise. It appears that at this time she is having difficulty in standing up for herself and is unable to use most of the suggestions. Our concern is always for the safety of the people who choose to share their lives with others. She is under no obligation to use any of the suggestions given.

 

[scaredofhim]

Speaking of attacking, what you said is very hurtful MWM. Yes I have stated that I love my husband and don't want to end my marriage. That is a fact. And I do appreciate all the advice I have been given. But I refuse to let ANYONE insinuate that I am insane or weak just because I choose to stay in my marriage. I came here not only for advise, but to vent and get some support for this difficult situation. And regardless of how I choose to handle MY life, that is MY decision and no one else's business. I definitely won't be coming back here. For those of you who treated me with kindness and understanding while I posted here, thank you so much and God bless you. I wish you all the best.