He's ready for the next step

[rebelson]

He never has a dime, but works 5-7 times per week. I have my homework cut out for me to find out all this stuff. How does one contact social services?

I'm curious why you say that you 'have your homework cut out for me'? Enabling is doing for someone things that they could, and should be doing themselves. I am learning that when we do things for our addicts that they can do on their own, for themselves...it sends them the message that they are incapable of doing such things. Most addicts have low self-esteem, so this message just adds to that.

As for social services....Maybe there is someone there that your son can contact who can help him.

I like what Sister's Keeper said....

I get what you're going through. Totally get it. My son is (9 days) fresh out of 5wks of inpatient residential, he entered on his own. He is in a sober living environment now, doing IOP. After that, he will need to find another sober living or halfway house. I would help him with 1st month rent, if needed. But hopefully he'll have a job come that time-he is searching. So, my help will just be motivational, supportive then.

This is a hard road we're on. Nobody does it perfectly. I am scared to death that I will get sucked back in. So, I am trying to keep very fresh in my mind, what I learned during Family Session that I attended with son 2wks ago.
DO NOT ENABLE. DETACH. During this family session, the addiction therapist who ran the 3 days referred to what often occurs when our addicts are in recovery. It (relapse) is usually induced or 'hastened' by us, their 'well-meaning' enablers. There was a special name for it, but I cannot remember it. I do remember thinking..'oh, my! I could see myself partaking in that!' It was where our addicts are doing well, time is passing...and we start getting sucked back in. We begin to 'help' or 'enable' them again, but it's too soon. Because we do this, they can really regress quickly...I remember thinking 'that's a fine line'. I am going to email her and ask her what the term was!

Anyways, my advice (not from experience, but from recent learning!) is to let your son figure this out. When he does figure this out, then you can say what your help will be (financial? 1st month rent? etc) and tell him how proud you are of him. They need these self-confidence boosts that come from problem solving!

I hope and pray everyday, that I can, myself, stay on course with this! It is HARD. When my son is good and not calling, it's easy. But, that can change in one phone call ring, and I can find myself caving in, being sucked in! UGH.

 

[Sister's Keeper]

SK:

I appreciate your input but as you know I cannot control how my son sees himself. I cannot keep him sober. It's all up to him. I don't think he feels he is better at all but different. Some of the people he is housed with are middle aged men and he has a hard time identifying with them. I get that. I don't think he's mature enough to really understand it all. We are being supportive parents to him as he is sober now and working and he wants to continue to be productive. I know that he means it. He is looking for a better paying job but continues to work at current job. He is doing everything we want him to do. He is doing better than he has ever done living at home. We continue to guide him in the way we want him to go and he asks our advice often.

I do not discuss things with him that I mention on here. I say very little to him about any of it. It's not about me. Everyone has their own struggles with their own addiction and has their own thoughts and I don't think any one person is pure textbook on how things are going to play out. Like most of us I imagine, I don't care HOW he gets to where he needs to be but I just PRAY that he does get there!!

No, you exactly said "he isn't the same as hard core drug addicts." Not that he is having trouble relating to middle aged men. 2 entirely different things.

This is not the 1st post, just the 1st one that has bothered me to this extent, that I have read a definite attitude that your child "isn't one of them." You may not say it, but it comes across, and it probably comes across to him, too.

We are all in pain and we all struggle and we have all done a lot of the same, stupid crap in the name of enabling and addiction. It is very hurtful to feel like our loved ones are being put down or marginalized for the exact same choices as others have made, especially in a forum which is supposed to be for support.

Just from my point of view, if you want to feel as if your son is "not as bad" or not a "hardcore drug addict" because his drugs of choice are more socially acceptable or prescribed that is your choice and your opinion to have and make. However, it is very hurtful to hear, especially when you are struggling to live with this pain.

 

[RN0441]

SK
Sorry if I offended you or anyone. Obviously I cannot put every single detail here and maybe I left out an important part.

I don't have the energy to defend myself and you don't know me or what I meant so I'll leave it at that.

 

[AppleCori]

I took the comment more as the son thinks he is not like the other men in the program.

I think many of our young addicted adults think this about themselves. And, as stated, it is faulty thinking, and not conducive to their long-term sobriety.

 

[AppleCori]

LMS1--

Your son is doing great!

We are rooting for him!

Apple

 

[RN0441]

Apple; yes that is true. I have seen many others say the same thing about their children too.

It's not good but it is what it is as they say.

 

[AppleCori]

RN,

I regret that I put the last part in "not conducive to long-term sobriety".

There is no knowing how this will turn out. It wasn't a commentary on your son, in particular, more just a general statement. It takes a long while for our addicted young people to come to understand their situations.

 

[RN0441]

Apple;

No worries. I wasn't offended by that. I pour my heart out here because I like to hear others' views.

I worry about his thinking too and I'm waiting for him to mature and think like I want him to think. Ha!

 

[rebelson]

He says he doesn't want to stay there all summer, feels like it is a prison with all the rules. He is struggling with the program he is in now though. Doesn't feel he's the same as hard core drug users and he is not exactly like them but he is still an addict.

It is very hurtful to feel like our loved ones are being put down or marginalized for the exact same choices as others have made, especially in a forum which is supposed to be for support.

I can see how the verbiage that RN used could be confusing, and/or perhaps hurtful. None are better than the other. An addict is an addict is an addict, is how I feel. Any drug addict who feels he is better than the one next to him, needs to eat some humble pie. Well, actually ALL addicts need a heap-ton of humble pie. Lol.

RN, from reading your posts..both our sons seem to have that 'entitlement' mentality. Not sure about you, but I think this was sort of my fault in the way that I raised him. Entitlement is very common in this genre. I've been realizing some behaviors that I unknowingly encouraged, with regard to raising him, where I helped him to feel entitled. It didn't help either, that I was young....AND felt guilty, sad for him, as his dad was MIA from partaking in his life as a little boy.

 

[RN0441]

I think the generation that our boys are from has a sense of entitlement.

I have many friends whose children do not use drugs but their kids think like that too. I'm not so sure it's anything that we did or didn't do right/wrong.

JMO

 

[rebelson]

I think the generation that our boys are from has a sense of entitlement.
I have many friends whose children do not use drugs but their kids think like that too. I'm not so sure it's anything that we did or didn't do right/wrong.

I'm pretty sure, in my case, that I was a factor in his sense of entitlement. I was a helicopter parent. If one of his teachers complained about him, I was sure it wasn't him, it was her. I intervened when I shouldn't have. This put the idea in his mind, 'ah...I can pit ppl against my mom and she'll side with me! I didn't do anything wrong, even my mom says so!' I take lots of blame.

I think helicopter parenting was 'the thing' to do in those days of the mid-1990's to mid-2000's. Now, look what type 'attitudes' we are dealing with, with this generation of millennials.

So, yeah.

 

[lovemyson1]

Rebelson, I agree that my son should figure this out on his own without my enabling. However, the home he's in doesn't allow Internet, phone calls, leaving the house.. So it's extremely difficult for him to research and plan his next path. I believe working "with" him and consulting with his house leader together we can come up with a positive & healthy plan. I want him to feel love and support. I totally agree he needs to grow and build his skills and that will give him encouragement to become a successful adult. Great insight on your part.. I actually thought the same as I wrote that statement.

 

[AppleCori]

I think one of the most problematic parts of all of this is that drug-use has become so accepted in mainstream society.

 

[rebelson]

However, the home he's in doesn't allow Internet, phone calls, leaving the house.. So it's extremely difficult for him to research and plan his next path. I believe working "with" him and consulting with his house leader together we can come up with a positive & healthy plan. I want him to feel love and support. I totally agree he needs to grow and build his skills and that will give him encouragement to become a successful adult. Great insight on your part.. I actually thought the same as I wrote that statement.

If he's been in a 'sheltered' environment for the past 9+ months where he's never really been allowed freedom as in 'internet access, a phone, going out in to public', in my humble opinion, he definitely needs a semi-structured environment for next living situation (i.e. halfway house). Maybe I am mistaken and he's had these freedoms?

I find it odd that they'd be encouraging him to transition out of there but are not helping him with this? Again, maybe I misunderstood some of your posts. I haven't re-read them. So, if this IS the case, I can see why you need to 'help'.

• Helping is doing something for someone else that they are not capable of doing for themselves.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Helping is doing something for someone else that they are not capable of doing for themselves

I prefer to add one word to that statement:

Helping is doing something for someone else that the are not capable of independently doing for themselves.

I find it useful to have them involved as much as possible - do it with rather than for.

 

[lovemyson1]

Hi all! Here's an update! I spoke with my son in detail about the transition process. I guess I was way off. He tells me that they are already beginning his transition in the home. Giving him the bigger responsibilities, etc. Next step is they allow him to work 3 days per week getting paid. After he proves himself doing that for a time, they help him getting into a Sober Living home. So all that is very comforting and excellent news to me. Also, he has several recommendation letters and is going to court to see if they will allow his probation to be dropped so he can serve in the military. He is very positive and hopeful at this point. I'm so glad there's a process that I don't have to assist with and he can grow, mature and be more independent. His 1 year anniversary is August 26th!

 

[rebelson]

Hi all! Here's an update! I spoke with my son in detail about the transition process. I guess I was way off. He tells me that they are already beginning his transition in the home. Giving him the bigger responsibilities, etc. Next step is they allow him to work 3 days per week getting paid. After he proves himself doing that for a time, they help him getting into a Sober Living home. So all that is very comforting and excellent news to me. Also, he has several recommendation letters and is going to court to see if they will allow his probation to be dropped so he can serve in the military. He is very positive and hopeful at this point. I'm so glad there's a process that I don't have to assist with and he can grow, mature and be more independent. His 1 year anniversary is August 26th!

Love this update!!

 

[lovemyson1]

Thank you rebelson! Thank you all! Time will tell what becomes of my boy.. but for today, I celebrate!