I'm trying to find him a job, which he will quit within a month or 2. I
Look. I will tell you what I think. (You posted on another thread that our sons seemed alike.) This is what I have learned. I tried very hard for years to micromanage my son's life. I fought him to go to college. I fought him to get 2 different job trainings. For 15 months he worked at a reasonable job as a certified nurses' aide in a mental hospital. I do see the irony.
He quit the job because of depression. And wanted to lay around doing nothing, which I get. He was hostile, too. That is what some people want to do when they are depressed.
But he would not get treatment. That I would not abide. I believe each of us has the mandate to deal with our life. Only the most profoundly ill or disabled people get to escape this responsibility.
I've quit hoping he will snap out of it, that's never going to happen.
Snapping out does not happen. People work to change their lives. They are forced by necessity to change.
What I did was make my son leave. He was gone four years. For 2 years he found places where people let him stay without making any changes at all. He got worse. He went on SSI, which is disability for the mentally ill. This removed any necessity or obligation to work.
But then he ran out of "easy" places to stay. He became homeless. This was the beginning of any incentive to change. He showed up at my door 13 months ago. I was reluctant to let him stay, but I did.
We have insisted he not use marijuana and that he do productive work, not necessarily for pay. He has worked for us for the majority of the time helping remodel a house that we bought for him to live in--because I have a hard time living with him. He tries to impose his rules on us, and bucks any rules that we try to impose on our living space. This is tiring.
Despite our no marijuana rule he has flaunted it. Twice at least we kicked him out and he went to residential treatment. On his own, of late, he seems to be curtailing the use.
We have really, really been sitting on him to seek out constructive activities and actions that will improve his life. It was a constant, unrelenting battle of wills, but we were sure it was our way or the highway despite the fact that neither one of us had the will to kick him out again.
A few months ago we stopped him from working for us. He was half-hearted and half-asxed. He really, really begged us and for this week he has worked for us again. He tried to impose his rules, and dawdle and we had none of it.
This is what it took: constantly sitting on his head, and demanding that he live by our rules if he lived with us or in space where we control. I have sat on him about paying rent, and I volunteered to put the "rent" money in a trust account for him to use to pay college tuition or some other constructive goal, as he chooses.
If you read my posts you will see the price I paid for all of this. Sometimes, I felt trashed and without value. I felt hopeless and like any life force I had was being sapped. But this sense of despair comes and goes.
My son is demonstrating to himself that he can take responsibility to make a life. He is learning that life is not given to anybody full-grown. We have to earn it through work and struggle. He is learning that emotions can be controlled, that they must be controlled. (We used to have property damage like busted cabinets, doors, walls, dents in refrigerators. I would say that last happened maybe 8 months ago.) He is learning that impulsivity must be controlled...and that he is responsible for seeking out support to learn how to do this.
I have to sit on him to follow through. Yes. That is true. But he is doing it. He is choosing to do the things that he needs to, to stay in the game with us. This is enormously gratifying to me. I believe it makes him proud too.
How many times have I told him this, I cannot count: This is not a homeless shelter or a treatment program. Here, with us, you need to work, be productive and to act according to rules. If you choose not to, you leave.
My son will be as lazy, indolent, apathetic, dependent and helpless in my house as I allow. His only chance is if I stand up to him and say no more.
I think your son may be too old for Job Corps but it is worth checking out. Job Corps is a free government training program where they are well-supervised and get free room and board.
From my perspective, if he is depressed, he needs to get treatment. End of story. If he has a drug program, he requires treatment. A 27 year old man needs to pay for his housing (or arrange for government subsidy if he is eligible) and his food and upkeep. If he cannot work he can apply for SSI.
This is my point of view and only mine: The time is now, for him to help himself and help you, by no longer being a burden, for starters, and by helping you out...not worsening your load. This will go on as long as you allow it to go on. It is to show him love and respect, that you demand that he step up.
If it is hard for you to do this, keep posting and post some more. That is what I did and still do. Other mothers go to Al Anon or Coda groups. Some go into psychotherapy.
If I sound like I know what I am doing, I don't. I have crises of faith, one after the other.
This is only what I have worked out for us, with my significant other, M, and with my son. Some parents here, I think, believe I am too enmeshed, still, with my son. Others may feel I am too hard on him. Others may feel I did not support him enough. Still others may believe I support him too much.
My point here is this: I am only one voice here. We are going this route because of who we are, and who my son is. You will choose what works for you and your son and your family. But that said: You deserve better, and so does your son. He will do better if and when he is forced to by your choices. Even if he does not do better, you deserve a life. My son did not do better for years. Even now it is a struggle. I still deserve a life.
