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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 747188" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Momma and welcome to CD. So sorry for your need to be here, but you have come to a good place where the kind folks here understand your story and the need to disengage.</p><p>I am blessed that my own family encourages me on that path. There are a few people in my late husbands family who can not comprehend why I would allow my two adult daughters to live in the streets, but the answer is quite simple, <em>it is their choice. </em>Oh, we tried for years to “help” them, but as their lifestyles denegrated to heavier drug use and all of the consequences, it became painfully obvious that we were dragged along with them in a slow motion, chaotic, drama filled train wreck. One of my two wayward daughters has three children, I quite understand the horror of watching grandbabies in the mix of the turmoil of their addicted parents choices. They have seen way more than they should have. I, too know the frustration of reporting to CPS, and feeble attempts, if <em>any</em>, to right the wrongs my grands suffered. That’s what kept us involved in the circus for so many years, our grands.</p><p>Sigh.</p><p>I am sorry for the pain of it.</p><p>My dear hubs passed nearly three years ago and I was left to raise my son and work through the grief of losing my mate and two <em>living</em> addicted daughters. Yes, I have thought more than a few times that I may not see them on this earthly realm.</p><p>I gave them to God, because it is too much for me to bear, with that, many prayerful moments and the help of the loving folks here, I am able to slowly pull myself out of the quicksand.</p><p>These are not little children we are dealing with. They are grown adults, making their own choices. When the consequences of their choices threaten to drown us, it is time to pull way back, strengthen ourselves and forge new pathways to living the best rest of our lives. It makes no sense to lose the blessings of health, peace and joy, because of these situations that we have absolutely no control over. But, we do have control over ourselves and our choices.</p><p>One thing that is so apparent through the testimonies on this site, is that our drug addicted, mentally compromised adult children are experts at manipulating our hearts. They know the right words to say, that touches the core of us, to get what they want. When that doesn’t work, they will go to the next listening ear. In my case, it was my husband, yours, your family. I agree with Copa that boundaries can be set, and if that doesn’t work, less contact or none. We suffer enough to have uneducated loved ones needling us, they have no idea of what we have been through unless they have walked the miles in our shoes.</p><p>Bottom line, you have value, you have worth.</p><p> No matter what you look back upon as parenting mistakes, Lord, I made plenty, that is a part of the F.ear O.bligation G.uilt that a loved ones addiction envelopes us in. I look at addiction as a huge ugly spider that weaves a web to capture all within its grasp, to enable the user to keep using. It is devastating to everyone involved, more so parents, as we twist and turn to try to make sense of it all.</p><p>It makes no sense.</p><p>What does make sense is that we did the best we could as parents to raise our children to be responsible. There was a time when I could not look at photos of the smiling faces of my two when they were young, it was too painful. Now, I am thankful of the blessings of raising them. They grew up and made their own decisions.</p><p>I have no control over that.</p><p>None.</p><p>I am not responsible for their choices, and if I try to lessen the blow of consequences, I am not doing them any favors.</p><p>I confess, I had a backslide to the edge of the rabbit hole over the holidays when my Tornado was in jail, calling me almost daily, quoting Bible verses, admitting to her drug use, saying she wanted rehab, that she missed her kids and family. The hook was, that she wanted to “come home” for supervised release, the rehabs were full and if they let her out, she would go right back to the streets. That sent me into the swirly whirly, my heart and mind juggling the empty promises, what if’s, and the horrible memories of the many times we went down that road.</p><p>I mustered the strength to say no. But, I struggled with depression.</p><p>She lied to the judge, gave our address, and fulfilled her words of ending up on the streets. Missed her probation appointment, is now back in jail on drug charges. I know because I have an automated alert on her. A friend studying for the bar, volunteered to attend her arraignment, closed caption tv from prison, my daughter laughed through the whole proceedings.</p><p>Huh.</p><p>She must have been high.</p><p>I refuse to believe any of it is my doing, because I would not cave to her wishes.</p><p> Been there, done that.</p><p>Now, I have to work really hard at reprogramming myself to not fall victim to her words. I am sure the calls will start. That’s the hard part. The communication. “I need money in my account.” I am learning that drugs can be bought in prison and that is most likely her motive. So, no, not going there. When I don’t comply, I foresee her sending nasty letters, or trying to manipulate me over the phone. So, I have to bolster myself and be ready. </p><p>Sorry, I’m hijacking your post!</p><p>The thing is, Momma, these kids will strip us to the bone, if we let them. There is no ordinary relationship to be had with a using addict.</p><p>We have to be on our guard constantly, work diligently at building ourselves up, whether it be through prayer, working through our woes on these pages, journaling, exercise, hobbies.</p><p>I have come to look at living my own best rest of my life as a breathing testimony, that they can, too.</p><p>I don’t want to languish in despair, and when I do backslide, it is a reminder to me of how far down the tubes I can go, if I am caught off guard.</p><p>You have come to a place where people understand this struggle. We are not experts, just folks who are on similar journeys, walking our own pathways through. Take what advice works for you, leave what doesn’t.</p><p>Please know that you are not alone. You are right to want peace in your life, and to seek ways to find it.</p><p>I, too cannot take my grands. I think we do them justice by knowing this. It is not easy to bear, but it is the truth.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 747188, member: 19522"] Hi Momma and welcome to CD. So sorry for your need to be here, but you have come to a good place where the kind folks here understand your story and the need to disengage. I am blessed that my own family encourages me on that path. There are a few people in my late husbands family who can not comprehend why I would allow my two adult daughters to live in the streets, but the answer is quite simple, [I]it is their choice. [/I]Oh, we tried for years to “help” them, but as their lifestyles denegrated to heavier drug use and all of the consequences, it became painfully obvious that we were dragged along with them in a slow motion, chaotic, drama filled train wreck. One of my two wayward daughters has three children, I quite understand the horror of watching grandbabies in the mix of the turmoil of their addicted parents choices. They have seen way more than they should have. I, too know the frustration of reporting to CPS, and feeble attempts, if [I]any[/I], to right the wrongs my grands suffered. That’s what kept us involved in the circus for so many years, our grands. Sigh. I am sorry for the pain of it. My dear hubs passed nearly three years ago and I was left to raise my son and work through the grief of losing my mate and two [I]living[/I] addicted daughters. Yes, I have thought more than a few times that I may not see them on this earthly realm. I gave them to God, because it is too much for me to bear, with that, many prayerful moments and the help of the loving folks here, I am able to slowly pull myself out of the quicksand. These are not little children we are dealing with. They are grown adults, making their own choices. When the consequences of their choices threaten to drown us, it is time to pull way back, strengthen ourselves and forge new pathways to living the best rest of our lives. It makes no sense to lose the blessings of health, peace and joy, because of these situations that we have absolutely no control over. But, we do have control over ourselves and our choices. One thing that is so apparent through the testimonies on this site, is that our drug addicted, mentally compromised adult children are experts at manipulating our hearts. They know the right words to say, that touches the core of us, to get what they want. When that doesn’t work, they will go to the next listening ear. In my case, it was my husband, yours, your family. I agree with Copa that boundaries can be set, and if that doesn’t work, less contact or none. We suffer enough to have uneducated loved ones needling us, they have no idea of what we have been through unless they have walked the miles in our shoes. Bottom line, you have value, you have worth. No matter what you look back upon as parenting mistakes, Lord, I made plenty, that is a part of the F.ear O.bligation G.uilt that a loved ones addiction envelopes us in. I look at addiction as a huge ugly spider that weaves a web to capture all within its grasp, to enable the user to keep using. It is devastating to everyone involved, more so parents, as we twist and turn to try to make sense of it all. It makes no sense. What does make sense is that we did the best we could as parents to raise our children to be responsible. There was a time when I could not look at photos of the smiling faces of my two when they were young, it was too painful. Now, I am thankful of the blessings of raising them. They grew up and made their own decisions. I have no control over that. None. I am not responsible for their choices, and if I try to lessen the blow of consequences, I am not doing them any favors. I confess, I had a backslide to the edge of the rabbit hole over the holidays when my Tornado was in jail, calling me almost daily, quoting Bible verses, admitting to her drug use, saying she wanted rehab, that she missed her kids and family. The hook was, that she wanted to “come home” for supervised release, the rehabs were full and if they let her out, she would go right back to the streets. That sent me into the swirly whirly, my heart and mind juggling the empty promises, what if’s, and the horrible memories of the many times we went down that road. I mustered the strength to say no. But, I struggled with depression. She lied to the judge, gave our address, and fulfilled her words of ending up on the streets. Missed her probation appointment, is now back in jail on drug charges. I know because I have an automated alert on her. A friend studying for the bar, volunteered to attend her arraignment, closed caption tv from prison, my daughter laughed through the whole proceedings. Huh. She must have been high. I refuse to believe any of it is my doing, because I would not cave to her wishes. Been there, done that. Now, I have to work really hard at reprogramming myself to not fall victim to her words. I am sure the calls will start. That’s the hard part. The communication. “I need money in my account.” I am learning that drugs can be bought in prison and that is most likely her motive. So, no, not going there. When I don’t comply, I foresee her sending nasty letters, or trying to manipulate me over the phone. So, I have to bolster myself and be ready. Sorry, I’m hijacking your post! The thing is, Momma, these kids will strip us to the bone, if we let them. There is no ordinary relationship to be had with a using addict. We have to be on our guard constantly, work diligently at building ourselves up, whether it be through prayer, working through our woes on these pages, journaling, exercise, hobbies. I have come to look at living my own best rest of my life as a breathing testimony, that they can, too. I don’t want to languish in despair, and when I do backslide, it is a reminder to me of how far down the tubes I can go, if I am caught off guard. You have come to a place where people understand this struggle. We are not experts, just folks who are on similar journeys, walking our own pathways through. Take what advice works for you, leave what doesn’t. Please know that you are not alone. You are right to want peace in your life, and to seek ways to find it. I, too cannot take my grands. I think we do them justice by knowing this. It is not easy to bear, but it is the truth. (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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