Okay, thank you so much for all your replies!!! I have so much to say I don't even know where to start, I have never been in the company of people with similar difficult children before, sad to say, but OMG WHAT A RELIEF!!!
Some background: I was hospitalized at 16 weeks gestation for pneumonia, received influenza vaccine at that time. As I had delivered a stillborn son prior I was at higher risk and did have frequent ultrasounds throughout the pregnancy. He was born at 37.5 weeks gestation via cesarean following a failed induction. He weight 8 lbs 3 oz. He was jaundiced, but his bili levels were low enough that he did not require bili lights. He had hiccups constantly and was a very screamy baby in the hospital, but I attributed his agitation to the shock of delivery. He came home approx. 3 days later, still screamy, awake every 1.5 hours at night, typical newborn stuff (but he did scream more than my others...). Exclusively breastfed, began solids at 8 months, whole foods, avocado first. His sleep never improved beyond 2 hour stretches at night, he was the hardest baby to appease by day. Seemed late to smile, but he wasn't really. He started smiling around 7 weeks, later than my other kids but not "late" developmentally. He just seemed grumpier. All physical milestones were within normal limits. I went back to nursing school when he was 18 months old and he started daycare. From that point on life became hell. He had near constant ear infections, which always resulted in profuse vomiting. He had so many antibiotics that he eventually developed C-diff. Finally he got tubes placed, and then he started talking (almost 2). Still not sleeping more than two hours at a time, we had a sleep study done prior to getting his tonsils and adenoids out. I don't remember the exact results, but basically he had an irregular REM-cycle. Then later he needed a second round of tubes. He was physically aggressive in daycare from day one, but he started out as a toddler in a room full of crawling babies because they didn't have room in the toddler room right then. I assumed he just "seemed" rougher because of the age difference. I did work-study at the campus daycare he attended and it hurt my heart to hear him being scolded time and time again from that room. He hit, he bit, he choked the other babies. Finally the teacher had had enough and they moved him up with older kids, he seemed to do a little better at first. After awhile those teachers were frustrated, too. He hit other kids, bit them, threw and smashed toys at them, never napped or even laid down at nap time. At home his temper grew and grew, while his sleep never improved, against every fiber of my being, I tried just ignoring him at night but he'd scream for hours and hours, throw up and keep screaming. My two older kids were in tears come morning because no one could sleep and everyone struggled to function during the day because of it. I kept this up for a week, and then caved. I was just exhausted, we all were. I really thought if he could just sleep his temper would improve. He was so mean. He used to choke me and with hate just burning in his eyes snarl "I'm gonna kill you in your FACE mom!" - this is where my mom first pointed out that he seemed possessed, because WHERE does a 3 year old come up with that??? He also began to really, reeeeally fixate on blood and gore violence, guns, knives, etc. We don't watch tv at all and we don't watch movies of that nature - the worst movies we have are Harry Potter (the older ones), Ninja Turtles, etc. I remember driving and watching in the rear view mirror as he crouched sniper-style in his car seat and pretended to shoot people on the sidewalk with his fingers as his 'gun'. The sickest feeling just washed over me. That is around the time I started taking seeking out psychiatric help for him. First our pediatrician referred us to a play therapist which was utterly worthless and accomplished nothing. He did recommend melatonin for sleep, and that did help a little. His rages grew right along with his little body, bigger, stronger. His daycare called me to leave work and come get him more and more often. Finally the director said that basically he seemed like a sociopath. He struck with fists or hard objects/toys, choked, shoved and brutalized his peers so frequently, often seemingly for sport or pleasure, whichever, and never, ever showed remorse. She was going to kick him out but I burst into tears and begged her not to - this was his 3rd daycare in as many years and I was running out of options. When I pled with the pediatrician this time he had him admitted to the psychiatric hospital. Thus began the cycle of stronger and stronger medications and hospitalizations, all to no avail. He is very big/tall for his age and quite strong, he's torn a door from its hinges, chased his older brother with a knife, took said knife out of the trash where I threw it, hid it to use again (I caught on and he did give it to me), smashed his older brother in the face with his toy laptop on a roadtrip out in the middle of nowhere causing blood to gush out everywhere and then completely came unglued raging full force as we're all trapped in the van with him speeding trying to get back to civilization without anyone else getting hurt when he decided to to open the sliding van door on his side. It's just craziness. Insanity. And I don't want to do it anymore. Most of the time. And then there's this other side of him, so sweet and loving and affectionate. He loves us, I know he does, very much. And we love him. But we don't like him very much.