michelenicole
New Member
Oh, she claimed she was locking them in the bedroom because they would get out of the apartment when she was sleeping and start walking around the neighborhood, and she didn't know how else to keep them in the apartment.
Hi, New Member!
- Thread starter michelenicole
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keista
New Member
NO, it makes you honest and realistic. And to be 100% honest, if you were not yet married, I and several others on this board would be telling you to run, not walk in the opposite direction. Reality, is, you are married - for better or worse. It's no one's place to advise/interfere in that bond. So we we can support you through whatever decision you decide to make, but we cannot in good conscience help you make that decision.
DDD
Well-Known Member
I'm a little "off" this week so am not positive if I welcomed you or not. I don't think so because when I read your post I recall thinking this is like the old V8 Commercial...flat handed slap to my own forehead. Sigh. You are one of at least three young Moms who have posted almost identical words. All married men who somehow had damaged children from their first spouse and yet didn't take positive action on their behalf, each met a lovely kind and caring younger woman and married for the second time still not facing the existing issues with the first children, each having a much loved biological new baby with wife number two and then whammo! ending up with custody of children with mental health issues from wife number one. In the other cases the 2nd wives "inherited" the responsibility for the older children, the young child, the care of the home, the preparation of the meals etc. as the husband "worked so hard to support everyone".
I suggest with genuine caring and supportive thoughts that you seek a therapist to help you analyze your situation in 2012 and your projected situation in future years. Working with a professional you can make sure that all possibilities are explored. Hope my post isn't too blunt. Sending hugs your way. DDD
I suggest with genuine caring and supportive thoughts that you seek a therapist to help you analyze your situation in 2012 and your projected situation in future years. Working with a professional you can make sure that all possibilities are explored. Hope my post isn't too blunt. Sending hugs your way. DDD
Malika
Well-Known Member
Just to be clear, though... michelenichole's son is from a previous relationship and custody of these children was obtained before the marriage:
"My name is Michele. I'm 28 years old, and got married in June of last year. I have one son, Gavin, who is five, and shortly before I got married my husband gained custody of his two children who are four and three due to neglect allegations against his ex-wife. So, now we have custody of all three boys. "
Of course she couldn't have any way of knowing that the children would turn out to have such difficulties and presumably the husband is just doing his best by stepping up to the plate (as you say!) in terms of his responsibilities?
I do echo the thought that therapy sounds like an excellent suggestion to help get some clarity and strength in truly a heartrending situation.
"My name is Michele. I'm 28 years old, and got married in June of last year. I have one son, Gavin, who is five, and shortly before I got married my husband gained custody of his two children who are four and three due to neglect allegations against his ex-wife. So, now we have custody of all three boys. "
Of course she couldn't have any way of knowing that the children would turn out to have such difficulties and presumably the husband is just doing his best by stepping up to the plate (as you say!) in terms of his responsibilities?
I do echo the thought that therapy sounds like an excellent suggestion to help get some clarity and strength in truly a heartrending situation.
ready2run
New Member
i definitely feel for you!! my step-son came to us quite damaged when he was 2 and since then has caused us to go to hell and back. i have 3 other kids, one mine from a previous relationship and 2 younger kids. my oldest is also autistic but she does not have the violent problems and the angry destructiveness my step son came with. i have been working with him since he came here and he is still a big ball of issues most days. he is 7 now and takes medication to help control the anger, it has helped but he is still much more difficult than an 'average' child. i used to worry alot about how he was affecting my other kids. they learned alot of bad behaviours from him and it is an ongoing struggle. i see a light at the end of that tunnel now though, the other kids being 3 and 5 are able to distinguish now for the most part that their half-brothers behaviour is not the right choice for them and are able to point out when he is 'not thinking right' as we phrase it. i still carry alot of guilt for what they have seen and been through because of this little ones problems and try to block them from seeing it as much as i can. i also make sure they know they can go to their own areas and close the door to get away from him if they feel like it. i made them each a cabin that is their own space to get away. for the longest time we did not allow difficult child to go near any of the other kids unsupervised. this was brought on by him pouring nail polish on my sleeping baby and trying to smother him. yeah, i tried to send him to foster care at that point but they would not take him. that was 3 year ago and we are just now venturing into letting him play unsupervised with the other children for short periods of time if he is in a good place. as for the door issue, why not be honest with the landlord and tell him what has happened to the kids in the past and why you want to take the doors off. offer to give him the doors to store, it is not difficult to take off doors or put them back on so i don't see why they would be against it as it wouldn't damage the doors or anything. anyways, i would definitely go talk to someone about it if you are thinking of leaving or worried that you are damaging your son too much by exposing him to his step-brothers. how you are feeling is valid. the main reason i chose to stay was because i realized that if i did not step up and find a way to make things work for my step-son it was not likely that anyone ever would. his bm is unfit, his dad has good intentions but lacks direction and lives in denial of the real issues, refusing to be educated. i am his only chance and so i feel like i have no choice but to find a way. if you are consistent and loving with your own son he will grow to see the error in their ways and try to help them make the right choices, but it will be a long road until then. if you haven't already, you need to talk to him about their behavior and let him know they aren't thinking right but you will be there to always protect him, then you need to put steps in place to make sure his safety is your main concern. one thing i have found to be helpful(slow but helpful) is to always point out what would have been a better option for behaviour after an issue. my 5yo now does this when he sees something wrong or has done something he shouldn't have. someday, difficult child may catch on as well.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
I would be one of them. If you didn't have a younger son, I may not say so, but your son could be in a lot of danger. Although we adopted our seriously sick child at age 11, when he was put into a juvinile detention center for young sexual predators (none of which anyone knew about before my kids admitted it after he was gone), he admitted he had been perping on younger kids since he was five years old. Please don't underestimate what he could be doing to your son, especially since he is a target.
There is no shame in leaving a relationship to save your child. You are going to have a hard time helping these two kids, if t hey can ever be helped. Nobody knows exactly what they went through before you got them and I wouldn't count on BM to tell you what he lifestyle was really like...she may have had strange men in and out of their lives constantly, and one of them or more could have sexually abused him. It is traumatizing for any child to be afraid of a larger sibling. It is easy to feel sorry for those kids, but they are you sig. other's responsibility. in my opinion your child comes first. If you are prepared to watch this stepson 24/7, stay. If not, you are endangering your own child because you don't know what he is capable of doing...and it is sad and scary to find out after the fact. IF you are willing to watch him all the time and put an alarm in his bedroom even at night so that he can't leave his room without alerting one of you, then DO STAY. They need kind of an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) setting at home. Know what I mean??
JMO (((more huggz)))
michelenicole
New Member
Again, thank you so much everyone! It is very comforting just to hear your own stories, and knowing that there are others out there that understand what I am dealing with, and that I can begin to reach to some of you for support. I very much appreciate all of the hugs, too. I need it.
Oh, and when I said got custody shortly before our wedding, I mean we planned our wedding for June 1st, and he got custody on May 20th.
Oh, and when I said got custody shortly before our wedding, I mean we planned our wedding for June 1st, and he got custody on May 20th.
michelenicole
New Member
Oh, and the child has been out of the hospital since Monday evening, back at preschool/daycare, and was already spitting at everyone today, and they couldn't get him to stop. Then, the younger one started it in the afternoon.
michelenicole
New Member
I feel like I'm banging my head against the wall. Last night, my husband and I reworked the kids' rooms, and the child having the most problems is no longer sharing a room with anyone, and he is now gated in the bedroom. But today after taking him to daycare, we weren't gone for twenty minutes when we got a phone call saying that he was hitting other kids and wouldn't stop, and they put him on the phone with my husband. He yelled at his dad and hung up on him, so we stopped by the daycare to make sure things were stopping. My husband had the nerve to say something is wrong with the daycare that is making the kid act up. This is a really good HeadStart Center; can't get a better daycare around here. When we got there, he was smiling and laughing about the fact that he was hitting kids, smarting off to his dad. My husband didn't say much on the drive home. He really doesn't want to admit there is a problem. He wants the doctor to give the kid medication to help him sleep because the child doesn't sleep like a normal child (Goes to bed super late and wakes up super early), and he thinks the sleep problems are causing the behavior problems. UGH!!!
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
You have a serious problem on your hands since hub is not seeing what is plainly there to see. Im appalled that he took your stepson's behavior out on the daycare center. I work at a Head Start and we take behavior problems and try to help. There are some that do not respond anyway, as much as we try, even if they have their own aids. Sometimes OTHER kids get hurt because of them (we have a biter and many who just go around, say, poking eyes and laughing, etc). This is NOT the fault of the day care. Most of the kids who attend the center are perfectly nice, normal little kids. It is the same kids who hurt other kids, over and over again, and some seem to be doing it viciously. I don't know if they mean to be vicious, but some laugh when they make another child cry...
I learned something about the three big red flags for children who have no conscience and may end up as antisocial as adults. We learned this when we adopted our child who could not safely live in a family: The triad of behaviors are 1/peeing or pooping or both inappropriately 2/ cruelty to animals 3/a fascination with or playing with fire. One of those alone is not on the triad, but put them together and they are very serious. (I hope you actually don't have pets...our adopted son used to abuse the pets and even killed two, but he didn't do it around us. He acted loving toward them when we were around).
If you want to stay with your hub and help the boys, in my opinion he has to get on board that something is very wrong with this son's and be willing to take strong measures to try and help them...and not blame other people. Also, you have to realize that you will probably never live The Brady Bunch family and that the boys will continue to have issues, although maybe they will improve with intensive treatment.
You are in a terrible situation and I don't envy you. And nobody can make the decision about what you do except for you, however I don't t hink most of us would judge you regardless of your decision. You do have a son who is going to live in this chaos if you remain...and, if it were me, I'd be thinking about him first. (((Hugs)))
I learned something about the three big red flags for children who have no conscience and may end up as antisocial as adults. We learned this when we adopted our child who could not safely live in a family: The triad of behaviors are 1/peeing or pooping or both inappropriately 2/ cruelty to animals 3/a fascination with or playing with fire. One of those alone is not on the triad, but put them together and they are very serious. (I hope you actually don't have pets...our adopted son used to abuse the pets and even killed two, but he didn't do it around us. He acted loving toward them when we were around).
If you want to stay with your hub and help the boys, in my opinion he has to get on board that something is very wrong with this son's and be willing to take strong measures to try and help them...and not blame other people. Also, you have to realize that you will probably never live The Brady Bunch family and that the boys will continue to have issues, although maybe they will improve with intensive treatment.
You are in a terrible situation and I don't envy you. And nobody can make the decision about what you do except for you, however I don't t hink most of us would judge you regardless of your decision. You do have a son who is going to live in this chaos if you remain...and, if it were me, I'd be thinking about him first. (((Hugs)))
What you describe here is NORMAL when you live with kids who have issues...
It DOES stress you out - it DOES make you tired - it DOES make you wonder if you can even cope one minute longer...
My difficult child is my own bio child...and I can't tell you how many times I've fantasized about running away and leaving my family behind and just striking out on my own. So what you are going through right now is normal and perfectly understandable.
We can't predict the future for you....or make recommendations for your marriage....or even speculate about diagnoses...
So my advice would be to get those kids evaluated and find out what kinds of issues you are dealing with. See if you and your new husband and formulate a plan for everyone's well-being. And then just take it one day at a time. That's all you can do...
michelenicole
New Member
I do have a cat 
I've only ever seen the child mess with his tail in funny ways. My friend is probably going to take the cat though, so that would be great before something horrible happens.
And I love, love the HeadStart center. They are doing the absolute best things they can do in order to deal with the child's behavior. They go to so many trainings in order to deal with problem children, and, as far as daycares go, he is in the absolute best one that we can put him in. My husband is just so far in denial that he's looking for every possible thing to blame other than face the reality that this son is really sick. I thought he was getting better at coming to terms with it all since he actually voluntarily entered the child into the treatment facility (better to do it voluntarily than be forced if he actually really hurts someone and we're forced to do it). But we told him that if he kept hitting other children that he would have to go back, though the child didn't seem to care
One day at a time...yeah, I think that's good advice, and the only thing I can do right now.
I've only ever seen the child mess with his tail in funny ways. My friend is probably going to take the cat though, so that would be great before something horrible happens. And I love, love the HeadStart center. They are doing the absolute best things they can do in order to deal with the child's behavior. They go to so many trainings in order to deal with problem children, and, as far as daycares go, he is in the absolute best one that we can put him in. My husband is just so far in denial that he's looking for every possible thing to blame other than face the reality that this son is really sick. I thought he was getting better at coming to terms with it all since he actually voluntarily entered the child into the treatment facility (better to do it voluntarily than be forced if he actually really hurts someone and we're forced to do it). But we told him that if he kept hitting other children that he would have to go back, though the child didn't seem to care
One day at a time...yeah, I think that's good advice, and the only thing I can do right now.
Malika
Well-Known Member
Hi Michele. Does "the child" have a name? I do feel... we are all getting into blaming this child's behaviour on him personally. He is four years old and has been through what sounds like severe neglect and abandonment by his mother. Which does not mean that you have to take responsibility for trying to make it better for him, or that you should be judged or blamed for the feelings you have. As Daisy Face said, every parent of a difficult child (and of "normal" children too, I suspect) knows what it is to feel that you just can't cope a moment longer...
But this is not an evil child. He is expressing some deep distress in the only way he knows how, which is a way that is doing him no favours at all and upsetting all around him. He does indeed need help, as does the family.
But this is not an evil child. He is expressing some deep distress in the only way he knows how, which is a way that is doing him no favours at all and upsetting all around him. He does indeed need help, as does the family.
Busywend... I think you're both right.
No, we don't want to use real names.
Most of us on this site don't use "the child" as a term of reference, though... we personalize it somehow. I haven't come up with a good alt-name for my difficult child, so I use difficult child... but many on this site have "names" - Oynxx and Jett, Sonic, Jumper, Ant, etc. Something that still makes this child sound like/feel like a "real" child.
No, we don't want to use real names.
Most of us on this site don't use "the child" as a term of reference, though... we personalize it somehow. I haven't come up with a good alt-name for my difficult child, so I use difficult child... but many on this site have "names" - Oynxx and Jett, Sonic, Jumper, Ant, etc. Something that still makes this child sound like/feel like a "real" child.
keista
New Member
I'll play devil's advocate and say that your husband might have something there with the sleep issue. If this child is not getting enough sleep, that can greatly contribute to poor behavior. It could be due to bad habits, or the abuse, or some organic disorder, but if he's not getting enough sleep, yes, that is a great first place to start.
ready2run
New Member
The first thing to try with trouble sleeping is probably melatonin. He is pretty young so i would probably ask for a doctors blessing before trying it, although it is a natural horomone and much safer than anything else for sleep as far as i know. We used to use that with difficult child, and still do sometimes. we started with 1 mg. i buy the chocolate strips because they all seem to come in 3mg and they were easy to rip, plus kids don't like pills. we don't use it often anymore, difficult child still has sleeping problems but he falls asleep from his other medications and gets a good 6 hours in. he still wakes up WAY too early though. i often get up a 5am with him and he has already been up playing for some time. there are some natural things that can help with some kids, my 5yo has greatly benefited from a morning dose of Jameison Omega 3 Calm. It helps my daugter too, but she refuses to take them and i'm not fighting her on it. She is 13, so we pick our battles with her wisely...lol. That is the only one i found that had the right levels(i forget what they were now) Our psychiatrist had recomended we try it for difficult child, it didn't help him but she said it was safe to try on all the kids if i wanted so that is what we did.
You have seperated the one with the most issues, and that's a good start. we have an alarm on difficult child's door but since you are avoiding doors you might be able to find some other type of beeper or something to let you know if he is out of his room. i'm not sure what is available. that has given me the peace to sleep at night again. i still sleep with my other boys though, i worry about not hearing the beeper but i always do. another good thing to start doing is putting anything that could be dangerous, pointy or whatever and lock it up. poison and things you don't want messed with, for instance i lock up my make-up and perfumes. we have a lock on the basement door and the utility room, have locks high up on the outside doors. i keep my knives in the upper cabinet which is locked, plus skewers, scissors, graters, ect. we sold our sword collections(what a bummer that was!). i have a kitchen pantry shelf in the bathroom and EVERYTHING goes in there except soap, 1 roll of tp and towels. it's padlocked. i know it seems extreme but in the long run it will save you so much stress, and money, plus you will always know where to find them! keep coming back, there are alot of experienced people here with alot of great knowledge to share. i would not have been able to make the little progress i have with difficult child if it were not for these peoples advice and i think i would have lost my mind long ago!!
You have seperated the one with the most issues, and that's a good start. we have an alarm on difficult child's door but since you are avoiding doors you might be able to find some other type of beeper or something to let you know if he is out of his room. i'm not sure what is available. that has given me the peace to sleep at night again. i still sleep with my other boys though, i worry about not hearing the beeper but i always do. another good thing to start doing is putting anything that could be dangerous, pointy or whatever and lock it up. poison and things you don't want messed with, for instance i lock up my make-up and perfumes. we have a lock on the basement door and the utility room, have locks high up on the outside doors. i keep my knives in the upper cabinet which is locked, plus skewers, scissors, graters, ect. we sold our sword collections(what a bummer that was!). i have a kitchen pantry shelf in the bathroom and EVERYTHING goes in there except soap, 1 roll of tp and towels. it's padlocked. i know it seems extreme but in the long run it will save you so much stress, and money, plus you will always know where to find them! keep coming back, there are alot of experienced people here with alot of great knowledge to share. i would not have been able to make the little progress i have with difficult child if it were not for these peoples advice and i think i would have lost my mind long ago!!
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Malika, I think you are stepping on pebbles that you haven't walked on. No offense meant.
Nobody is blaming the child because his mother abused him and his father, for some reason, didn't k now and didn't step in and take him earlier. That does not change the fact that he is doing uber-dangerous things and is not likely to change any time soon and that the father is still in serious denial AND that there is this woman's son to think about here. I would never subject my kids to a damaged child again. It is not worth the possible consequences and once they happen, you can not take them back. This is not like J. He is not like these kids and he has no siblings. This is a situation where her son has to try to exist with two damaged children who have a long way to go to get better...and they maybe never will.This woman should make a decision based on what s he feels she can handle and what is best for her son. The father ultimately has to decide to help his k ids and to do it soon and fast. It sounds like you are condemning some of us who have been through this...it's touchy to me. You do not know that you would be up for this either. It is not something you can imagine until you are living the nightmare. It is not this woman's fault either that his man did not get custody of his kids early on or that he refuses to see that their behavior is potentially dangerous.
This is very difficult. Did you read what this child has done? Do you see that consequences don't matter to him? Sadly, this is the reality of many kids who are abused early in their lives. With intensive help some can can get better. Some never do get better. It's not pretty, but it's definitely true.
If she did not have a son maybe I'd think a little differently, but that's a moot point. She does and he is being badly affected by all of this. If she stays, she will have to treat her house like a mini-Residential Treatment Center (RTC). This is beyond just normal childhood chaos.
Malika, my child was an evil child. He did not start out that way nor should it have happened. But by age five he was sexually abusing other kids in his foster home and scaring them with knives, scissors, etc. and he scared them all so much that none of the children told on him. When he left our house, he did not care one bit about leaving us and said he didn't miss us and he had no idea why he had done what he had done. To be more graphic than I ever have before, this child forced my kids and another child to all have sex with one another. My daughter stopped being a virgin at around age five. The kids tell me he even touched my breasts and vaginal area when I was sleeping on the couch and he'd laugh. Then he'd play with matches and tell the k ids that he was the devil and if they told on him, he'd kill us all. They believed him. They did not tell.
Now this child that we adopted did not act out. He was an angel in front of us and in school. But his early years of neglect and obvious abuse turned him into a monster. It was not his fault, but he still almost destroyed our family and had sex and forced my kids to have sex by pulling a knife on them. My daughter has a light scar on her neck from that knife. At the time, she told us the cat scratched her.
It is true that R. was older when we got him. But he told his caseworker, when he was finally caught, that he had been doing stuff like this as far back as he can remember. When asked why, he had no idea. He is out on the streets now. He still has our last name. It would not shock me to hear that he has killed somebody. It does not really matter anymore what started him on the wrong road. I do not know if these kids are in that bad shape as he is, but they're sure headed in the wrong direction and their father's attitude is just plain scary.
I again will respect any decision this woman makes. If she stays, I will consider her a saint.
T
TeDo
Guest
I don't think Malika meant to actually use the child's name. I can see where continuing to call him "the child" is a very detached and unkind way to refer to a 4 year old. To me, it says alot about how this little boy is being viewed.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
The oldest one has been having problems, mostly at school, the entire time he's been living here. I tried and tried to get my husband to do something about it, but my husband didn't see the problems until we received a report from daycare that the child was threatening to shoot his teachers and attempted to stab a teacher in the arm. In August, he hit a pregnant teacher so hard in the stomach that she threw up. He has these "meltdowns" at daycare for not much of a reason at all, which causes him to throw items and furniture, physically assault other children, physically assault teachers, rip posters off the walls, etc. They have a difficult time getting him to calm down, but once he's calm, he's fine until the next "meltdown" happens. At home, he's constantly instigating trouble with my five-year-old by picking on him and arguing with him until my five-year-old reacts (usually through hitting), and he's quick to "tattle tell" after the reaction. He lies constantly; even if you see him do something, he'll lie to you about doing it. Just this morning he woke up at 6am, before all the other kids, and was singing loudly enough to wake me up.
This child's behavior is ruining my marriage and my relationship with my own son. I am worried that I did the wrong thing getting married and trying to help these kids, and I am very scared.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX That is her description of this child and what he is doing to the family.
in my opinion her reaction is normal. I think a lot of women would have walked out already, and she isn't doing that. She has absolutely no authority to get these kids into any sort of serious therapy. It's all on her husband and he isn't even seeing the problems!
This child's behavior is ruining my marriage and my relationship with my own son. I am worried that I did the wrong thing getting married and trying to help these kids, and I am very scared.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX That is her description of this child and what he is doing to the family.
in my opinion her reaction is normal. I think a lot of women would have walked out already, and she isn't doing that. She has absolutely no authority to get these kids into any sort of serious therapy. It's all on her husband and he isn't even seeing the problems!
