How do I go about getting my son to move out

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PatriotsGirl

Guest
You are not a bad person AT ALL! He doesn't see it now, but this will help in the long run. The police can inform him of shelters and food pantries that he can go to.

Just keep saying to yourself, nothing changes if nothing changes.

I feel for you. Our daughter ran away when she was expelled from school for selling drugs. She called us on Christmas Eve crying to come get her. I hadn't bought many gifts for her because she was gone and in trouble. She expected this fairytale Christmas! When she didn't get it, she threw a tantrum and we had to physically drag her out the door and call the police. It was a nightmare!!! One of the worst times we had but we got through it. You will, too. (((HUGS)))
 

Elsieshaye

Member
Wow, PatriotsGirl - the lack of awareness of what the situation really is kind of blows me away. My son is in the same place, I think. He seems to believe that I'm just making a point, and hasn't really grasped the reality yet. I've already gotten the "so let me get this straight - you don't care what happens to me?" text.
 
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PatriotsGirl

Guest
Oh their manipulative ways......they know just how to tug at our heartstrings....he will be just fine and hopefully be a better man for it.
 

busywend

Well-Known Member
That is right - you are actually parenting the best way possible in this situation. So, stop the guilty feelings and accept and believe that you are parenting him the way he NEEDS to be parented right now. This is parenting! It is not neglecting or giving up on. These are the hardest parenting moments there are! And you are doing great!
 

buddy

New Member
:bravo:
Wow, I am so totally impressed by you! Heck on a much smaller level I have gotten the "you dont even care how I feel" kind of thing. I always respond, it is because I care so much about you that I am doing this. In many ways it would be easier just to let them have their way. But that is not for the best and certainly not easier in the long run. I have also said that I would be a bad mom if I let him do whatever you wanted. etc. I know my son has limited abilities, but he does learn things and so I have to try. We just plug on. Your son will learn at some point, but it may be a long road to get there. For now he is not thinking clearly anyway so what he says is probably not what he really knows deep down. Of course it is manipulation. And the allowance is all done right? :faint::winks:


Feel better!
 
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PatriotsGirl

Guest
Buddy - you are SO right that the easiest thing to do would let them do what they wanted, live at home, etc. But it is NOT the right thing. The right thing is hard. Very hard work. But no one ever said parenting was easy, right? :)
 

CrazyinVA

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Hang in there.. I know this is SO hard but you are doing great. Listening to a barrage of insults about what a terrible parent you are is hard to take, I know (wait till he starts trying to tell you how terrible everyone *else* thinks you are!). I got through it by (1) keeping my sense of humor (I have a pretty dark one when I need to), and (2) reminding myself of all the stuff difficult child did to ME, and what I have tried in the past to no avail. Oh, and keeping busy :)

Hugs... keep us posted!
 
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Signorina

Guest
Good for you for standing so strong! I am afraid that is the road we are heading down...and I will keep your strength in mind.

Mommy hearts (coined by Nancy) are not wrong for wanting to provide food and shelter - it's how we are wired. I am glad that your LL and the PD were so understanding. Maybe a little kismet is at work. I wish you peace in the days and weeks ahead!

And I hope you are feeling better!!

PS_ make sure you put the "alarm" stickers on the windows, door. They should have come with the sensors you purchased. The stickers are a better deterrent than the alarms themselves!!
 

Elsieshaye

Member
I got to urgent care and actually saw DS as I was walking back from the pharmacy. He had his back to me and was talking to someone, arms waving. Haven't heard from him, though. Which, right now, is ok. I've been trying to prep myself for a situation where he doesn't contact me, or where I get criticized by other family for the way I handled it. I do know that it's the right thing to do. Yes, it would definitely have been easier on some levels to let him keep staying here and doing whatever. But I was getting more and more resentful and depressed, and liking him less and less. I don't know what he's going to end up doing with his life, but I hope there's a time at some point where we have a good relationship.
 

Elsieshaye

Member
Sometimes you just have to laugh, because it's less likely to result in a trip to the ER than punching a wall will:

So, DS calls me while I'm at a work meeting. I ignore until I'm done, then checked the message. Superficially-polite-but-really-entitled-and-snotty message about needing his glasses/contacts and deodorant. I had packed all that stuff up for him anticipating such a call, so called him back and arranged to have him come over at around 7 to pick it up.

I plan on just handing it to him through the barely open door and asking him when he anticipates that he'll be able to have someone pick up the rest of his stuff. (He wants a friend to store it for him.) I'm ok with storing some of his things for him, like the dresser, desk and books, for up to 6 months, but want my dining room back fairly soon. There's no room down in our building's storage units in the basement.

There are Al-Anon meetings on Mondays near my house, and I have therapy on Saturday mornings. I definitely will use both to make sure I don't cave in, and that I can make consistent decisions about how to handle things as they come up. (I predict that my therapist is going to get whiplash from the speed of events between last Saturday, when I told him that I wanted to use therapy to work on setting limits with DS with the end-goal of getting him out of the house, and tomorrow. Last week already feels like a parallel universe.)
 

Elsieshaye

Member
I packed up his glasses, contacts and deodorant in a bag and hung it on the front door (which I double locked). That's all that was in the bag - no sympathy money, no food, only the specific things that he'd asked for. Then I took myself out to dinner. Just got home and the bag was gone. I did call him to let him know where the bag was and that I was willing to store his stuff for 3 months (down from the 6 I was thinking about earlier), but he then had to figure out something to do with it or it would be gone. Lots of angry comments in a fairly cold, somewhat menacing tone. He claimed to have forgotten that he was going to talk to his friend about storing the stuff. Actually, I believe him when he says he forgot - it just reinforces my belief that he was high when I asked him to leave. He's very angry, and I admit to being a bit scared of him. This is uncharted territory, and I'm not sure what his responses will be. I'm also not sure how much of my own fear reaction is genuine intuition about what's in front of me, and how much of it is programmed responses to verbally aggressive male. Looking forward to therapy tomorrow.
 

buddy

New Member
YOU ROCK! So strong. You are going to be a role model for him, for other parents and you hopefully will be able to look at yourself someday and be so proud! (if not already). I have never had this situation and I am so inspired by your strength and how you reach out then just move forward when you have the decision you are set on.

Congrats! Love, Buddy
 

Elsieshaye

Member
So, he came back and rang the doorbell, asking to talk. I talked though the door, and told him (in response to his asking "why can't I stay here?"), it was because he did drugs, and lied, and was disrespectful and contemptuous. "Well, you lie too!" I asked him repeatedly to leave, and he did. The whole thing took about 5 minutes. I feel like throwing up.
 

buddy

New Member
So, he came back and rang the doorbell, asking to talk. I talked though the door, and told him (in response to his asking "why can't I stay here?"), it was because he did drugs, and lied, and was disrespectful and contemptuous. "Well, you lie too!" I asked him repeatedly to leave, and he did. The whole thing took about 5 minutes. I feel like throwing up.

You are not alone, you are not alone, you are not alone....you are doing a good thing here. Yes, I get the stomach symptoms too when I am so emotionally punched by something. Take deep breaths and if you like hulu on the internet (I like the old time shows) or can find a comedy on tv ...go for it! Something that will distract your mind if that helps. That's what I do or else i think about the situation and replay it over and over in my mind. Just makes the nausea worse. I actually have to replace thoughts.

You did the right thing, this is his big chance to learn and you are being a good teacher. You are the one giving him a life lesson that will benefit him forever. Even if it doesn't work right now, it will help build the concept. You can do this, you have come so far.
 

Elsieshaye

Member
Thanks, both of you. I'm doing a bit better - watching Hawaii 5-0 and playing with the cat. Thank goodness for the cat - she's been following me around all week and snuggling. I can't be a total monster if the cat loves me, right? :p
 

buddy

New Member
Oh, I think it says in the rules for this site that all monster posts disappear! So that is PROOF you are not a monster, haha!
 

Elsieshaye

Member
Thanks for asking. I'm in the middle of the following text exchange with DS:

DS (voice mail): Mom, can we meet at the cafe across the street to talk? I've been thinking and thinking, and I don't understand what I did.
Me (txt): DS, I've already explained it was the pervasive disrespect as well as the booze and drugs.
Me (txt): Please don't contact me again unless it's to make arrangements to pick up all your stuff.
DS (txt): yeah, i know, and i've been thinking about why I was disrespectful, contemptuous and lying. i've also been thinking about why i was using drugs.
Me (txt): I can't help you, DS. I'm done.
DS (txt): I know you're done. I just wanna talk cause right now I feel like absolute sh!t. i f###ed up sporadically throughout my life. And I'm sorry.
Me (txt): I can't help you. I'm done talking. Please go to the police or the shelter. Try job corps.

No response yet. I predict he'll show up outside the door again, at which point I'm calling the cops. Maybe they can steer him towards the shelter or some other place.
 
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