How to choose between two children-help me please

[BusynMember]

Hon...your daughter can not peacefully live in your home. It doesnt really matter why. If she is sick enough, you need to insist she apply for Disability. If she gets it, she will be assigned a caseworker who WILL help her move out of your house and into somewhere more appropriate, such as a group home for adults with mental illnesses. I know people who live in homes like these. They are not hospitals but staff can help. You cant help and this daughter is not able to happily live with the family.

This is not cruel. It isnt good for your daughter to get away with her behavior without doing anything to get better. Even if she seeks help it will likely be years, maybe a decade, before she is stable and you and tje rest of your family need to live at home without fear.

After the first shock of it, shemay like her freedom too. Disability will give her spending money. Caseworker will also help her find a suitable job so she can feel useful.

She needs to leave but I would not pay for rent if she can not behave properly in her own place. Obviously she needs supervision. But you are not physically strong enough to restrain her if she gets violent and, as her mother, you cant bear to set strict boundaries that she will keep. Let other people do it now. You have done all you can.

I wish you luck.

 

[mamato3]

To A dad
She says therapy makes it worse and refuses to go. About 4 months ago she stopped taking her medications. The side effects and weight gain were horrible. She did ok for about 3 months. Now it is crashing hard. All she wants now is weed and to surf to feel better. She uses CBD oil but this is way more severe to have any impact She is an amazing person who when balanced can do anything. But is hell on earth when so tangled. I know she is sick. I know she needs love and support. I know she could have not been born into a worst family. I am all alone in this now. I need her to to get to the point to fight for her life or totally quit.
She is afraid. She is afraid of herself and of becoming 18. She is afraid nothing will work. She says she tried "everything" and it only made it worse and of course blames me for making her take the medications, sending her to the hospital or sending her to a residential program. I have spent well over $80,000 this last year alone.
Her sister and father have giving up on her. I am her sole survivor and I am bruised (literally) and exhausted. Something has to change.

Lynn, I wish I could say or do something to make it better for you! I am going through a very similar situation as I shared earlier. And I feel like my son doesn't have the best mother or father for his 'condition'. I (mom) have a hard time engaging/not engaging and holding my temper. Dad is in the home, but quiet and not real involved. It's how he grew up and he's trying.

We, too have holes in the wall, doors, dents in the refrigerator, you name it.

My son cycles and when he's good, he wants help and admits he has a problem. When he's in a bad place, he is ready to give up and die. I, too had tried to scream it out if him, beg him calmly, pray, ignore, but mostly try to 'talk' him out of it and I end up saying the wrong things.

I will be in constant prayer for our children. And sending big hugs your way.

 

[susiestar]

Enough is enough. If she cannot behave, the reason why is irrelevant. Sorry to be so harsh, but it is what it is. I also have a difficult child, and this is HIS opinion. He has to get his act together also. If she busts a hole in the wall, why can't she fix the wall when she calms down? Directions exist on youtube and in books? She can spend her own money on the supplies. That is how you learn not to do things like that. They are a PITA to fix, so you don't want to do it again. Or you pay someone to fix it out of money you had to go earn, or stuff of yours that you had to sell to pay the person who fixed it. That is simple logic and a basic logical consequence of life.

Your daughter needs to apply for disability if she cannot work and is so bad off. Or else she needs to go and get a job. This is life and it applies to us all. Not just some of us.

I know this is hard for you, mom. But you cannot fix her. You never could. It simply isn't your job. You raised her, now she has to go fly out of the nest. It is hard. Your job is to focus on the one still in the nest and on yourself.

Have you ever been on an airplane? Remember what they tell you if the plane goes down? To put the oxygen mask on yourself first and then on your child? There is a reason for that. if you go down, you cannot help your child. If your child goes down but you are ok, you can revive your child. Your child isn't supposed to have to revive you.

Right now you are going down and so is the rest of the family. You forgot your oxygen mask. You simply have to take some resources and time and recharge you. Then you can go and help your daughters. Focus on the 16yo and then the adult one. Yes, the adult one is sick, and just 18. But she has had a lot of attention. Why not see what she does without the attention. What she can do on her own? Aren't you just a little bit curious?

Get the ball rolling for disability, and then get her out of your home. I know that is harsh, but she cannot live with your peacefully so she cannot live with you. You have a right to a peaceful home, period. You have a right to not have the police come to your home to deal with someone out of control, regardless of why they are out of control. Given that your daughter won't take her medications and won't go to therapy, there is NOTHING you can do for her. So she cannot live with you. If she will do what the doctors say, that is different, but as she is noncompliant, and violent, she needs to go and figure this out on her own. She can get disability and she can get her own place to live. If she wants to use marijuana, that is her choice, but she can choose it somewhere else. I don't say it is good or bad, just that her behavior is not acceptable and you cannot tolerate it.

You have to be okay and you clearly are not. Save yourself first, and remember that she is an adult and has to live with the consequences of her actions. Your role as her parent is to create a contributing member of society, not a happy person. Her happiness is her business, not yours. Even the Constitution only guarantees the PURSUIT of happiness, not happiness itself. It is time she took some responsibility here, and you need to take some responsibility for your younger daughter and her life. Spend time with her and focus on her. Make her a priority because she is a minor. Your older daughter is mentally ill, but that is NOT AN EXCUSE. My oldest child has a form of autism SO WHAT? He still works a full time job as a manager in a grocery store. Then he goes and cleans his apartment so that it doesn't get bugs. Then he plays role playing games and helps my parents with chores. He has to do the same things everyone else does. His autism doesn't change that. Neither does his ADHD. He has to figure it out.

So does your daughter. She may need some help, but part of that help is letting her flounder and fail. If you don't let her fall, she won't ever figure out how to get back up. She is stronger than you think. Stand back and let her prove it. Even if she says she hates you now, she will get over it.

 

[A dad]

NOw that I know the full story I agree with the other posters if she refuses to get help its on her and she must deal with consequences.
BUt of course for adults only for not yet adults well still the parents responsabilty for better or worse.

 

[Lynn34]

Enough is enough. If she cannot behave, the reason why is irrelevant. Sorry to be so harsh, but it is what it is. I also have a difficult child, and this is HIS opinion. He has to get his act together also. If she busts a hole in the wall, why can't she fix the wall when she calms down? Directions exist on youtube and in books? She can spend her own money on the supplies. That is how you learn not to do things like that. They are a PITA to fix, so you don't want to do it again. Or you pay someone to fix it out of money you had to go earn, or stuff of yours that you had to sell to pay the person who fixed it. That is simple logic and a basic logical consequence of life.

Your daughter needs to apply for disability if she cannot work and is so bad off. Or else she needs to go and get a job. This is life and it applies to us all. Not just some of us.

I know this is hard for you, mom. But you cannot fix her. You never could. It simply isn't your job. You raised her, now she has to go fly out of the nest. It is hard. Your job is to focus on the one still in the nest and on yourself.

Have you ever been on an airplane? Remember what they tell you if the plane goes down? To put the oxygen mask on yourself first and then on your child? There is a reason for that. if you go down, you cannot help your child. If your child goes down but you are ok, you can revive your child. Your child isn't supposed to have to revive you.

Right now you are going down and so is the rest of the family. You forgot your oxygen mask. You simply have to take some resources and time and recharge you. Then you can go and help your daughters. Focus on the 16yo and then the adult one. Yes, the adult one is sick, and just 18. But she has had a lot of attention. Why not see what she does without the attention. What she can do on her own? Aren't you just a little bit curious?

Get the ball rolling for disability, and then get her out of your home. I know that is harsh, but she cannot live with your peacefully so she cannot live with you. You have a right to a peaceful home, period. You have a right to not have the police come to your home to deal with someone out of control, regardless of why they are out of control. Given that your daughter won't take her medications and won't go to therapy, there is NOTHING you can do for her. So she cannot live with you. If she will do what the doctors say, that is different, but as she is noncompliant, and violent, she needs to go and figure this out on her own. She can get disability and she can get her own place to live. If she wants to use marijuana, that is her choice, but she can choose it somewhere else. I don't say it is good or bad, just that her behavior is not acceptable and you cannot tolerate it.

You have to be okay and you clearly are not. Save yourself first, and remember that she is an adult and has to live with the consequences of her actions. Your role as her parent is to create a contributing member of society, not a happy person. Her happiness is her business, not yours. Even the Constitution only guarantees the PURSUIT of happiness, not happiness itself. It is time she took some responsibility here, and you need to take some responsibility for your younger daughter and her life. Spend time with her and focus on her. Make her a priority because she is a minor. Your older daughter is mentally ill, but that is NOT AN EXCUSE. My oldest child has a form of autism SO WHAT? He still works a full time job as a manager in a grocery store. Then he goes and cleans his apartment so that it doesn't get bugs. Then he plays role playing games and helps my parents with chores. He has to do the same things everyone else does. His autism doesn't change that. Neither does his ADHD. He has to figure it out.

So does your daughter. She may need some help, but part of that help is letting her flounder and fail. If you don't let her fall, she won't ever figure out how to get back up. She is stronger than you think. Stand back and let her prove it. Even if she says she hates you now, she will get over it.

 

[Lynn34]

Susiestar- You are more than correct. I am in awe in your inner strength. I know I was weakened by an abusive exhusband and this difficult child. But I am smart enough to know i have to find a therapist to support me and hold me in check with reality no matter how much I want to cave and hold her. I can not pretend or justify any more. Your son is so blessed to have you as his mother and role model. I will keep you words in my heart as I begin the most difficult journey of my life- one step at a time. Mahalo-

 

[BusynMember]

My autistic son whose birthmother took drugs while pregnant (he had crack in his syem at birth and had open heart surgery) has two part time jobs, gets a little social security and lives on his own and supports himself and is the kindest human being I know. He has a tough history, but in no way feels sorry for himself.

I think if he can be such a good person and be self sustaining and kind hearted, your daughter can do those things too. I think Susies post was spot on.

We always treated Son like he could do things. He washed his own clothes by twelve, could cook, cleaned his room, did school well, mowed the lawn, shoveled the snow, did other chores. Feeling sorry for him would have made him think he couldnt do things. He does not choose to drive so he rides his bike, walks or takes cabs on his own dime. He doesnt ask us to drive him anywhere, even in winter.

Your daughter has to find a way to do life herself. And you are afraid she cant. And you put her above all else. This hurts her and the rest of you too.

Maybe if you make her live without you she will refuse to seek help or be productive. That doesnt mean she cant do it. It means she wont do it. And that is her choice. There is Disability and services if she truly cant work. I explained group homes. My son has many friends with various disabilities, including some with brain damage and some with sevete mental illness (but they comply with treatment). They all have jobs. The Dept. Of Workforce Development will find you a job if you are disabled. She can find a life outside of you. Or not. Its up to her.

And you and your family need space from her chaos too. And she needs space from your constant presence and pity and unfounded guilt. As adults we all need to learn how to move on from bad experiences, including you and your daughter.

Many of us got very good support in therapy. Why not you?

Love and light!

 

[Lynn34]

Thank you Somewhere out there. There is no doubt I wish I had done things differently. My ex and I were at opposite extremes. He was loud, aggressive and sometimes abusive and I over compensated by being too soft. This served no one. I did see a therapist (mft). Mindfulness, take care of your self and your inner wisdom will come out. All is true. But also true is that I need more. Monday I will try a new psychologist who has lots of experience with bipolar and the havoc it can spread. I am so happy for you son. Truly, you are his angel and he is blessed to have your insight and wisdom. I know she is capable of great things. I just need to figure out how to get out of the way.

 

[BusynMember]

Oh I am soft too. I was not one to yell (much...haha) r spank or even discipline. All my kids say this. But I just did not do for them what they could do for themselves. I valued tbeir indepedece as adults and that paid off. They got part time jobs at sixteen, except autistic son who did at eighteen, and paid for their part of car insurance, gas, if they wanted expensive name brand clothing, nothing was handed to them. I am always amazed that some parents buy their kids cars saying they are a necessity, even if they abuse drugs or get into crashes or get tickets. I think this sort of giving actually gives them a sense of entitlement and helplessness. Giving for free does not make strong character or teach them how to solve problems. It tells them Mom will rescue and buy them things, although they are adults.

No mattee how good it may feel to us, I have always believed that supporting our kids beyond a healthy age or giving money or things to them keeps failure to thrive adults even more childish as they do not have to be adults if we pay their ways. The more we pay, in my opinion the worse our "leg up" to help turns into adult kids who are needy yet ungrateful and they dont know what to do with the leg up. So they take the easy way and dont change, expecting you to rescue them out of any mess. in my opinion money at them is for us to feel better, not for their growth. We never did that.

Not enabling bad behavior could make them more motivated, they may blame us and ask for more or say we are supposed to "help" them (no law that we do, legal or moral) or they may not change for a long time.

I have been reading the boards for over ten years. I have read nothing to indicate that we can love them enough or pay them enough to get better. I have read many success stories but the adults were already in the hands of parents who were done supporting their bad choices and they were on their own without our money and toys.

You might want to read the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Great book. Woth the costof three therspy sessions although I think therapy is very helpful to us as we hike a tough path. Many here are in therapy.

Take care!!

 

[pigless in VA]

Lynn,

I am reading along and wishing for you to find wisdom and strength on this difficult journey. My late husband was severely mentally ill. I learned that no matter how much I loved him, it did not help with mental illness. The person who has it must help themselves. He or she has to recognize that they are ill, seek help and most of the time embrace medication as a tool to help manage their condition. You cannot do any of that for your daughter. Please don't allow her to abuse you or your other daughter for any reason.

We are here for you.

 

[Lynn34]

Update
Sent the Difficult child away for a couple of nights so I could get her sister ready for a school trip. She comes home tonight. I plan to tell her tomorrow that I am moving out of the house. Father will move back in to take care of 16 year old.
Her choice will be to move in with me but she has to go to doctor and get on medications or to move out on own. If she cycles I will call 911. I am done with the violence, drama and meanness.
She is not going to like the reality check. But literally my entire life is in a spin. I can't sleep and my head is spinning. I know she is going to fight, scream, beg and pled. I have to make sure it is different or I am just bringing her and all her problems to a new home. I wish I could just say screw it and run far away.
Trying to prepare my self for the battle and I already feel so overwhelmed and weak. At least the two girls are separated because I can't deal with both at the same time.

I want a do over. Sorry for the pity party. I am just so sad of all that is gone.
Lynn34