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How to handle moving boundries
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<blockquote data-quote="Blindsided" data-source="post: 755401" data-attributes="member: 23811"><p>Skittles, at first I thought to answer your question with "boundaries aren't flexible". Thing is, boundaries are not flexible, but what we choose to set boundaries for is. Does that make sense? The world is not black and white and I too struggled with boundaries, but what I found when I stuck to them is that they work. Our DCs (and their counterparts) need black and white, facts not thoughts and emotions. </p><p></p><p>I recently had a conversation on the phone with my Difficult Child, alcoholic couch surfing, knock out gorgeous 41 year old daughter. I started sticking to the boundaries of no more money almost 2 years ago now. My Difficult Child has been abusive and had sent yet another outrageous text just a week before the phone call. I had not heard her voice for a year. She was sober, but made it clear she would not be later. She started manipulating. Turns out her liver biopsy did not show cirrhosis, but now she has a lump under her arm (her grandfather died at 45 from lymphoma). I was measured and kept my whits. Eventually, she asked for $100 because she needed gas to get to doctors. I kept reminding myself, don't send a confusing message. I reminded her I had sent a link on medical transport in her state. I stayed firm on no more money, period, and if that is why she called, it made me sad because I appreciated hearing her voice and having a conversation. She said no, that's not why she called, we spoke a few more minutes and then she said she had to go. That was a new one. In the past I have allowed her to keep me on a phone call for hours to do nothing but swim in a dark chaotic abyss. Boundaries work, but only if we stick to them.</p><p></p><p>We have to ask, If we help someone once, does it mean we are committed to doing it forever? The logical answer is no. I now know I must stay firm, because I can be easily manipulated due to my past enabling. It takes a while before they get the message that this time is different. </p><p></p><p>I hope you can find a boundary that works for you, because those are the easiest to enforce. </p><p></p><p>Sorry it took so long to answer, we had out of town guests for a week.</p><p></p><p>Love and light, Blindsided</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Blindsided, post: 755401, member: 23811"] Skittles, at first I thought to answer your question with "boundaries aren't flexible". Thing is, boundaries are not flexible, but what we choose to set boundaries for is. Does that make sense? The world is not black and white and I too struggled with boundaries, but what I found when I stuck to them is that they work. Our DCs (and their counterparts) need black and white, facts not thoughts and emotions. I recently had a conversation on the phone with my Difficult Child, alcoholic couch surfing, knock out gorgeous 41 year old daughter. I started sticking to the boundaries of no more money almost 2 years ago now. My Difficult Child has been abusive and had sent yet another outrageous text just a week before the phone call. I had not heard her voice for a year. She was sober, but made it clear she would not be later. She started manipulating. Turns out her liver biopsy did not show cirrhosis, but now she has a lump under her arm (her grandfather died at 45 from lymphoma). I was measured and kept my whits. Eventually, she asked for $100 because she needed gas to get to doctors. I kept reminding myself, don't send a confusing message. I reminded her I had sent a link on medical transport in her state. I stayed firm on no more money, period, and if that is why she called, it made me sad because I appreciated hearing her voice and having a conversation. She said no, that's not why she called, we spoke a few more minutes and then she said she had to go. That was a new one. In the past I have allowed her to keep me on a phone call for hours to do nothing but swim in a dark chaotic abyss. Boundaries work, but only if we stick to them. We have to ask, If we help someone once, does it mean we are committed to doing it forever? The logical answer is no. I now know I must stay firm, because I can be easily manipulated due to my past enabling. It takes a while before they get the message that this time is different. I hope you can find a boundary that works for you, because those are the easiest to enforce. Sorry it took so long to answer, we had out of town guests for a week. Love and light, Blindsided [/QUOTE]
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