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[overcome mom]

Triedntrue- sounds like our sons are very similar, only mine is 26 years old. Just found out that he may get out of jail in a couple of days as they may drop the charges. He was all excited but found out that he may get extradited back to where he was before as they now have a warrant out for him for not showing up to a court date . He couldn't show up as he was in jail . The court that he didn't show up to was the one who sent him to the jail he is currently in. Boy the system is so messed up. If that jail did not put their warrant in the system he may get out, only to deal with that and his other problems later. He was so upset when I told him of the new warrant. He was very snotty on the phone telling me how to handle people. He has been locked up since April awaiting court dates, has not been found guilty of anything yet. I understand why he was so upset because he finally thought he was going to get out and then I told him of the warrant. I can't imagine what it is like to be locked up without being able to go outside except in a concrete block two times a week. I REALLY hate to see him locked up but in a way if he gets sent back to the other place to deal with that and gets it over with I think it would be a good idea. The only problem is that it takes forever between court dates- months. I just am so tried of dealing with his crisis's and depression. He brings on his circumstances.
I do worry like you ,triedntrue, that his dad and him will get into it and we will have to have the cops come. It has been a few years since he was living here and I think the neighbors are just now starting to talk with us (except one).

 

[Beta]

Dear Busy--I'm sorry for the stress you're dealing with in regard to the welfare of Jaden. Having a grandchild in the mix just heightens the anxiety and worry. May G-d give you wisdom and discernment as you navigate this unpredictable and scary situation with Kay.

 

[Crayola13]

We bought the house. Kay not only didn't sign up for utilities and wouldn't pay taxes (we did) she didn't clean it or fix things that were wrong with it and Lee and Kay sometimes did not even pay attention to signs that things needed fixing. On top of that her neighbors saw their altercations that spread to outdoors and a few of them became their enemies, trying to start trouble so they would move. Kay is incapable of ignoring anyone who calls her names or ridicules her so there were further altercations with neighbors and the police were often called. We paid many fines.

By the time we ended up selling the house, it was a piece of junk. We lost money on a short sale.

In order to be home owners you need to take care of your house, pay your taxes, and pay your bills. It is a bad idea not to mow the lawn and to have your friends park old cars in the grass. It fuels dysfunctional neighbors into challenging your kids. And when Lee and Kay had shouting matches in the yard, replete with foul language, nobody liked it. They also had a few physical altercations outdoors.

This behavior repeated itself when we bought them a mobile home and after that when we paid part of their apartment rent. We tried so hard. My husband and I would clean after them, eventually cut the lawn etc. But they would do nothing in between our cleaning sessions. And they would never pay their part, although we made the fees very nominal.

I suspect the camper that Lee and Kay plan to live in will be destroyed and no longer running in a jiffy. They will be one of the homeless families living somewhere in CA in a camper that is filthy and won't drive. That's what they do. If Lee works, it will be in fast food. That is all he has ever done. That won't cut it in CA. You'd think they would at least want to move to a state where the cost of living is lower. Nope. Lee and Kay have seen the RVs on the streets of SF and love it. Other places mentioned by them are Arizona and Seattle, Washington.

They don't want to go south. I won't offend anyone here by saying what Kay does about the beautiful south and it's friendly weather and places with nice costs of living. Nope. She wants to live in an (cough) enlightened state that gives good benefits. Yep.Good benefits. She wants nothing to do with conservatives (we are on the conservative side).

I needed to vent early this morning. As Kay hints on FB more and more about taking off in a camper, my peace is shattered and all of us are focused on saving Jaden, if we can. So I did not sleep well and I am awake for the day.

My thoughts on buying housing for the kids who bring us here is due to my own experiences. Maybe your kids would step up and appreciate. But we lost a ton of money trying to keep Kay off the streets and now Jaden is at risk.

Amy desperately wants custody of Jaden and may be willing to pay Lee and Kay for custody. Would Kay sell her child? Part of me is horrified by the thought. Part of me wants Jaden safe at all cost. Amy makes enough money to offer them a lot and still be okay. But wow. Who does that?

The saga continues.

Sorry I went off topic and highjacked the thread!!

God be with all of you. Prayers for everyone.

As bad as this sounds, it might save your grandson. I don't believe they are qualified to home school him. I don't want him living in poverty. If a loving aunt wants to take custody,it's the best we can hope for. Jayden loves his parents, so I hope he isn't traumatized by this. Kay could fight this if she decides. I really hope she lets the aunt have custody.


could change

 

[BusynMember1]

Crayola, taking him out of his home will just mess him up more. I care less about school than his mental health. But if she is homeless I want him safe and Amy can do that and he knows her and her kids and she will get him vaccinated and put him in school. He probably needs Special Education.

Jaden is delayed in general. Crayola, Kay is not qualified to homeschool a cat. I am very upset. About many things, including how hard it is to get anyone to care about what is going on in Jaden's life. CPS needs a lot of change.

Sorry. Am stressed.

 

[newstart]

I haven't posted on here in awhile. I feel like I don't have anything worth saying. I have been reading some of your posts and am glad to see some new people as well as familiar people.
So update thought my son was doing better has been controlling his temper with me anyway. Had a good job but for various reasons missed too much work got fired. Got a new job even better thought everthing was going well. Lost rights to his son but ex still continues to harass him. On and off with new girlfriend. He was able to walk to work but then she kicked him out and he found a place to stay but couldnt get to work no vehicle no licence. Lost that job. Found another after a while but cant get there. The issue with me is constant favors usually involving buying him things or rides or phone bills and on and on. He is 37. I feel bad that since he is not yelling at me but i cant keep handing him money. Funny part i sent him an email telling him i was blocking him because the only thing he ever contacted me for was a favor and i had to stop so i could get my finances straightened out. His reply was that family was a support system and we were supposed to help each other out. I cant remember last time he did anything for me or his father. He never has money for christmas or birthdays for his daughter. No child support. So how is he part of the give and take. Anyway i blocked him and got a nasty email in return and feel like i have set things back. However he just got kicked out again and girlfriend let him come back temporarily. Where he was staying she said he was using. I cant call him out on that without getting her in trouble. Thanks for letting me vent.

Hi Triedntrue, I am sorry to hear that your son is still not acting right. I remember your posts from a while back because your son is the same age as my daughter. 37 years old... So close to 40 and you would think by this age they would have straighten out. I think in one of your posts you had mentioned that he tried to run you off the road. If you can think of this each time he asks you for money, it maybe easier to say no... There came a time when my daughter would call and ask me for money, instead of getting all stressed out I would make weird monkey noises, she would say 'Are you crazy' and I would say yes so leave me alone. It seemed to work the best. I tried to reason with her, I tried to explain that I cannot keep paying for her wicked life style but it went into one ear and out the other.. Then I tried the monkey noises and it shut her up quickly and she finally quit asking me for money.

 

[Triedntrue]

Triedntrue- sounds like our sons are very similar, only mine is 26 years old. Just found out that he may get out of jail in a couple of days as they may drop the charges. He was all excited but found out that he may get extradited back to where he was before as they now have a warrant out for him for not showing up to a court date . He couldn't show up as he was in jail . The court that he didn't show up to was the one who sent him to the jail he is currently in. Boy the system is so messed up. If that jail did not put their warrant in the system he may get out, only to deal with that and his other problems later. He was so upset when I told him of the new warrant. He was very snotty on the phone telling me how to handle people. He has been locked up since April awaiting court dates, has not been found guilty of anything yet. I understand why he was so upset because he finally thought he was going to get out and then I told him of the warrant. I can't imagine what it is like to be locked up without being able to go outside except in a concrete block two times a week. I REALLY hate to see him locked up but in a way if he gets sent back to the other place to deal with that and gets it over with I think it would be a good idea. The only problem is that it takes forever between court dates- months. I just am so tried of dealing with his crisis's and depression. He brings on his circumstances.
I do worry like you ,triedntrue, that his dad and him will get into it and we will have to have the cops come. It has been a few years since he was living here and I think the neighbors are just now starting to talk with us (except one).

It all sounds so familiar. Prayers to you.

 

[Triedntrue]

Triedntrue- sounds like our sons are very similar, only mine is 26 years old. Just found out that he may get out of jail in a couple of days as they may drop the charges. He was all excited but found out that he may get extradited back to where he was before as they now have a warrant out for him for not showing up to a court date . He couldn't show up as he was in jail . The court that he didn't show up to was the one who sent him to the jail he is currently in. Boy the system is so messed up. If that jail did not put their warrant in the system he may get out, only to deal with that and his other problems later. He was so upset when I told him of the new warrant. He was very snotty on the phone telling me how to handle people. He has been locked up since April awaiting court dates, has not been found guilty of anything yet. I understand why he was so upset because he finally thought he was going to get out and then I told him of the warrant. I can't imagine what it is like to be locked up without being able to go outside except in a concrete block two times a week. I REALLY hate to see him locked up but in a way if he gets sent back to the other place to deal with that and gets it over with I think it would be a good idea. The only problem is that it takes forever between court dates- months. I just am so tried of dealing with his crisis's and depression. He brings on his circumstances.
I do worry like you ,triedntrue, that his dad and him will get into it and we will have to have the cops come. It has been a few years since he was living here and I think the neighbors are just now starting to talk with us (except one).

I agree it all sounds so familiar you need to keep your home as a sanctuary where you don't have to deal with him.

 

[Barbaro]

Lost rights to his son but ex still continues to harass him. .

Why is this? Have his parental rights and responsibilities been terminated?

 

[Blindsided]

I thought I was the only one who thought about this. But I too realize that if we did do that he would find a way to mess it up. He can't even sign up to get electric and gas around here as he owes them money. When I helped him get in a place before he never paid the water or electric. I don't see it being any different now.
I am trying to not stress as he is probably going to get out of jail on Wednesday and has no place to go and no belongings. (long story) My husband and I have talked about letting him stay with us for a short while,(10 days) but I am VERY leery of this. Don't know how he and my husband will get along and son has no way to leave if things get heated. He has 3 warrants out on him for a variety of things all in different states. Mostly for missed court dates because he was locked up when they happened. He has so many things to get straighten out before he can become a little stable it is just amazing how much trouble he has gotten him self into again. My husband suggested we pay off some fines but I am totally against it as I just see him getting in more trouble. Has been more respectful of me lately , will ask for money but when I say no he hasn't been aggressive with me like before. Seems to be taking a little more responsibility for his actions but not yet changing his behaviors.

It sounds like the boundaries you have set are starting to work, but not quite there. My suggestion, after giving far more money than I ever should have, dont give in. When we let up (thinking things might be different, this time), the boundaries break down, and the cycle starts all over again, from the beginning. I cant go there.

My daughter tried again recently after 2 yrs of no. I have given my daughter (41) the boundaries. If and when she gets help for her behaviors and alcoholism, a job or if truly sick, apply for disability, we will be here. I have not told her exactly what that looks like because she would use it to manipulate, but my thoughts are to pay the first couple months of sober living.

Trust has been broken and our adult children must earn it back.

I am thinking of you. It is hard. But I can say, having boundaries helps me. Working at emotional detachment helps me make better decisions. That's not to say I am good at it 100%, but my days in what I call the black vortex are fewer.

Love and light.

 

[Triedntrue]

Well the poop hit the fan. I am slow to anger but son is still in jail and is back to fowl language. i hung up once and ignored phone for awhile. He continually comes up with things he cant take care of in there. I tried to keep it to a minimum but today i had enough. When he got into custody issues with his ex i told both of them i would not be involved. So since his arrest was based on back child support he wanted me to talk to his ex. I repeated that i would not get involved. Partially because it is very stressful and partially because i am still allowed to see my grandson. So he decided that the only reason that he was still in there is because i won't talk to her about it. I ran around all morning doing stuff for him and have made numerous phone calls ( not to ex though) trying to make sure he didn't lose his phone or tools among other things. So he gets nasty and I LOST IT. i know we are supposed to stay calm but....i did. I told him i was done! Don't ask me for anything i was tired of being treated like dirt while running around doing things for him. Talking to her was the only thing i wouldn't do. I screamed and swore totally unlike me. I was just fed up. I then blocked the number from the jail. I have no plans to unblock it anytime soon. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. I am sorry i lost it and yelled but not sorry i told him enough.

 

[BusynMember1]

Don't feel bad. He doesn't feel bad and keeps treating you without respect. If he had paid his child support he wouldn't be in jail. It's not up to you to solve this and risk his ex not letting you see your grandson. You have a right to lose it once in a while. We are all human and sorely tried by our kids.

I am very sorry that you are dealing with this. Hard as it is to do, put yourself first. You do not have to run interference for a grown man.

God bless and love.

 

[WiseChoices]

I agree with Busy. You are human and you had had enough. Sometimes, we have to push back. And sometimes we get angry. And it's ok to express that anger and sometimes it doesn't come out all that elegantly.

Unfortunately, some people only learn from the consequences of their actions, and that is why he is in jail. The more he has to do for himself , the more the lesson will be able to teach him.

 

[Triedntrue]

Don't feel bad. He doesn't feel bad and keeps treating you without respect. If he had paid his child support he wouldn't be in jail. It's not up to you to solve this and risk his ex not letting you see your grandson. You have a right to lose it once in a while. We are all human and sorely tried by our kids.

I am very sorry that you are dealing with this. Hard as it is to do, put yourself first. You do not have to run interference for a grown man.

God bless and love.

Thank you