I am DONE!

[UphillClimbMom]

Update: I think it has been 2 weeks since my son got fired, lost his room/board and chose homelessness vs. coming home, getting help and having rules. He is homeless in Arizona. Yesterday, he told me his plan for getting a job and a room wasn't working, (He refuses to apply via electronic platforms such as Indeed or Simplyhired, just walks in, inquires about a job and hands them a resume. He also refuses to clean up. He is a very handsome young man but has long, wild and curly hair and a big scruffy beard, and that was pre homelessness and how all the employers were f*ing es for not hiring him! )I just listened but then said, "How is coming home going to be any different? You don't want help with anything. If you come home and we help, you will need to help pay for your room, get a job, get help with your mental health" He immediately said that he wasn't coming home and seemed really close to saying if he ended up homeless, jobless, without money and broke down on the side of the road it would be my fault but he said, "It is what it is."

The last 2 weeks, he's blocked and unblocked me numerous times, so I re-iterated that the offer stands, help to get home and help getting a room, in exchange for living by our boundaries and told him not to bother blocking me, I was logging off for the night and quickly left. I am still hopeful that he might change and come home but I know that is really magical thinking, he has not changed, ever and if anything, he has gotten worse as he go older and life got harder. Like I said, I am DONE. Done being a door matt, done babying him, done rescuing.

I am proud of not caving, it was hard but felt good. I am hoping life gets hard enough on him to help him see the light? Just not too hard! I didn't used to be able to say it out loud because it was too awful, I am afraid he is going to end up a missing person, murdered and tossed in the desert! It makes me angry that he has screwed up so royally and tries to make it my problem!!

Not sure, why I posted this, but I feel like this is the only place where people know what it's like to be a good parent but have a rotten child. Thanks for listening!

 

[Beta]

I am afraid he is going to end up a missing person, murdered and tossed in the desert! It makes me angry that he has screwed up so royally and tries to make it my problem!!

UCM,
I'm so sorry that your son still refuses to get help or to put himself under your authority in your home. Your son's refusal to look for a job through the ways and means that most people do today (Indeed, etc) remind me of our son. There are only certain types of jobs he would be willing to even consider, no matter how badly he needed a job. He wouldn't accept any advice or counsel from us at all.

You mentioned your son is homeless in Arizona. That's where our son is too (Phoenix). This month is five months since I last heard from him through FB messenger. Every so often, I put out a missing person's report just in the hope he will be seen and I'll know he's still alive and maybe someone will be able to convince him to contact us. (I have the same fear you mentioned above in your quote). It makes me furious that someone that we have loved and cared for for 34 years could just callously walk away without so much as a backward glance. No concern for us whatsoever. For all he knows, WE could be dead or injured or whatever. Yet, no effort to get in touch with us. Today is Father's Day, which makes it harder for parents like us.

I come here too for the same reason: To reassure myself that it's possible to be a good parent and still end up with a mean, selfish adult child who brings you nothing but grief.

 

[Copabanana]

I come here too for the same reason: To reassure myself that it's possible to be a good parent and still end up with a mean, selfish adult child who brings you nothing but grief.

In my faith our motivations can come from beyond the self we feel ourselves to be. What I am saying here is that we can be motivated to take on responsibilities and make attachments from a force that is beyond our choosing and consciously knowing why.

My choosing and bringing home my own son (he's adopted) I could not have stopped if I had at my side all the armies of the world. I knew he was mine. Nothing would have stopped me. Nothing did. Soon after I brought him home I learned his birth parents were dying of AIDS. I had known his birth parents used drugs. I had not known their health status. I had fo face my son could die.

I ask now, when I have suffered so much more than I could have ever imagined, why would G-d want me to suffer so? My Rabbi told me, that maybe it was not about you, what you would gain from being a parent, but what you could give. Maybe it was about service.

It is possible for good people to parent children because it is the right thing to do. Our children needed us. We gave them a shot. Gave them a chance. Let's pray.

 

[Dad34]

I agree, let’s pray. I haven’t heard from my 34 yo daughter for 6 months, which was on FB messenger on my birthday, but heard nothing from her today on Father’s Day. I wasn’t expecting it but it still hurts. Thanks for sharing your stories. I’m sorry you all are going through this but it’s strangely comforting knowing I’m not the only parent on this journey. I’m glad you held your ground Uphill.

 

[Nomad]

I'm so sorry. First off, many here can relate. The mention of blocking phones really struck a chord with me at this particular time.

My husband never blocks our daughter, but did after being treated VERY rudely and he just couldn't take it any more. The man as been a saint for decades. She responded by threatening suicide and sent me a bunch of nasty texts. Then blocked us for a bit. It's absurd. Our daughter is an adult (although one would NEVER guess this by her behaviors).

Situations might be similar, very similar, somewhat similar....but it's the same overall feelings that great efforts were poured into our adult children for perhaps decades with continued, often non stop turmoil with little to NO improvement or effort on their part for positive change. WTH? There is NO need to feel guilt. This isn't your fault.

It was only a few years ago that I came pretty much to the same conclusion after our child betrayed us in a major way and then didn't show remorse. For me, it was a horrible wake up call. When I told friends "I'm done," they all said they were waiting for me to say this AND several said something like "well, it's about time!" That sort of surprised me.

For me, it was a painful realization that is was extraordinarily unlikely that things would get better AND perhaps more importantly, there was absolutely NOTHING I could do that might make things better. AND she was making pretty much ZERO effort to get better. (Yikes!) I had turned it over to my Higher Power and that helped. But, of late, I realize more and more how vital it is for me to do this fully and consistently. To let go more fully. To more fully disengage and to embrace life fully.

Hubby just retired and a friend just passed away. I have other friends very sick. It's all been a wake up call. Life moves on. It is precious. My suffering over my child does not help that child one bit and certainly does not help me. She is an adult. I did the best I could and somehow eeked out more. This going beyond the beyond is dangerous to the body, mind and soul and there is the horrible realization that it is all a waste.

Don't get me wrong...I hope for the best. I try my very best to treat her with kindness. But, I have let go a LOT. It is very good that you held your ground.

I have found support in groups like Families Anonymous and there is another one called Help for Hurting Parents. And the parents here are so wise and helpful. I agree with the others, prayer is of great comfort and help. Please keep on posting.

 

[Fairy dust]

Oh I so agree with you Nomad. I know everyone on this forum has gone above and beyond. by letting go we can stop the spin cycle, focus on our own healing and sanity. Maybe this is what our journey is telling us. And maybe, just maybe our adult children will step up and follow suit. Hugs to you all!

 

[LetGo]

Hello all, I read all of your posts from yesterday beginning with UpHillClimbMom saying "I'm done." I soooo know this feeling. I can't speak for all of us, but I believe you'll share my sentiment in that we have given, given and given only to be told how "it's all our fault". No, it's not. But getting myself past the magical thinking (if only I did...if only I would do...) is the hardest part. I don't want to give up on my adult child but truthfully, her behavior has existed since she was very young. On her own, as she has chosen, it has gotten much worse and because she is an adult, the consequences much more severe. My lifestyle is completely opposite to hers. I deserve, we all deserve to take care of ourselves and to have some peace. I still check everyday to see if she is in jail. I have found some peace here, amongst all of you. Thank you so much.

 

[Beta]

In my faith our motivations can come from beyond the self we feel ourselves to be. What I am saying here is that we can be motivated to take on responsibilities and make attachments from a force that is beyond our choosing and consciously knowing why.

My choosing and bringing home my own son (he's adopted) I could not have stopped if I had at my side all the armies of the world. I knew he was mine. Nothing would have stopped me. Nothing did. Soon after I brought him home I learned his birth parents were dying of AIDS. I had known his birth parents used drugs. I had not known their health status. I had fo face my son could die.

I ask now, when I have suffered so much more than I could have ever imagined, why would G-d want me to suffer so? My Rabbi told me, that maybe it was not about you, what you would gain from being a parent, but what you could give. Maybe it was about service.

It is possible for good people to parent children because it is the right thing to do. Our children needed us. We gave them a shot. Gave them a chance. Let's pray.

I agree Copa. In fact, when I think about the "why" of the situation, there are two reasons I can come up with: 1) God wanted to give Josh every opportunity to have a home with love and security, if for no other reason than He is good and kind. 2) That He wanted to use Josh in our lives to build our trust in Him and the discipline of perseverance in the face of suffering, as well as other character traits I can't think of at the moment. I believe that God does not waste suffering, but we have to cooperate and do what we are responsible for. But it is still hard to let go of the "what might have been" that you dreamt of when they were little.

 

[LetGo]

I agree Copa. In fact, when I think about the "why" of the situation, there are two reasons I can come up with: 1) God wanted to give Josh every opportunity to have a home with love and security, if for no other reason than He is good and kind. 2) That He wanted to use Josh in our lives to build our trust in Him and the discipline of perseverance in the face of suffering, as well as other character traits I can't think of at the moment. I believe that God does not waste suffering, but we have to cooperate and do what we are responsible for. But it is still hard to let go of the "what might have been" that you dreamt of when they were little.

Excellent point that your Rabbi made, Beta. Maybe it was not about me but about the service that I could offer. I gave my best. It has been hard. Let's pray.